Disposable, imperfect friends.

[potatopaws]

I’m seeing this attitude on here more and more.

Friend has been unreasonable? -Ghost them.

Friend hasn’t “been there” for you in the way that you wanted them to be? -They are not a real friend.

Friend is too needy? -Block them.

Sometimes a ‘frenemy’ comes along that really does need to go, but friendship like any other relationship needs good communication, compromise, understanding, a willingness to make allowances and work through tricky patches. Nobody is perfect!

Is it just me seeing an increasing intolerance on here?

I see more women being assertive and not people-pleasers. In friendships and relationships. I don’t think that’s a bad thing.

Yep. Same with family. I understand that abusive family members do exist, and that shouldn't be tolerated - but for foibles, a little effort and tolerance goes a long way.

I think a lot of these situations have been built over a long period of time. I had a couple of friends who ended up ignoring my messages to meet up (maybe I was being ghosted) but they were friendly if I bumped into them. I don’t give it any headspace now

People will no longer have the piss taken out of them. The problems I see on here, on not for minor slights. It's about one sided friendships, hurtful things people have done to them, like purposefully leaving them out.

I don't know about you OP, but I certainly wouldn't put up with being treated like that. And why should I?

I’m all for being assertive, but that doesn’t mean you have to ditch the relationship. Just tell the other person how you feel and why. What I see on here is people just cutting relationships dead because they don’t want to communicate.

But I don't have to tell the other person. I don't have to do anything. Quite often on here you get a summary of all the negatives. Those of us reading do a cost benefit analysis - is it worth saving this relationship? And most of the time on the info provided it isn't.

Essentially people are highly unlikely to change, they are what they are. Selfish friends won't become unselfish, rude friends won't become polite etc. From my reading on here many posters have made efforts, gone above and beyond, tried to communicate but have got little or nothing in return. Users will carry on being users because that is who they are.

Silence is the best communication sometimes for people who annoy you

Having to tell someone how you feel and why isn’t always fair or appropriate.

eg. If you ask me to look after your child 9-11am because you have an important appointment, but you actually end up arriving at mine at 5pm to get your child back, without offering any apology or reason, or even acknowledging your extreme lateness/deviation from agreement, well it’s pretty logical to deduce that I’m going to be at the very least miffed, and probably very pissed off with you. I shouldn’t have to tell you.

I have ghosted someone. A complete piss taker. No regrets. She 100% deserved it.

The problem is with people who take the piss/hurt/don’t support in times of need, they are usually the type of people who don’t care how it makes you feel. They wouldn’t hurt you or leave you unsupported etc etc if they cared. Once you realise someone doesn’t care about you, you can’t unsee it, and the relationship becomes unsaveable .

I agree with not tolerating rude behaviour and not being a doormat but in real life it's seldom as black and white as "She is a selfish friend so I'll cut her off completely".

No one is perfect and we can all be a bit selfish or thoughtless on occasion. If we all discarded friends at the slightest affront, no one would have any!

Mumsnetters are often quick to advise "just get some new friends" as if there is a choice of friends waiting under a gooseberry bush or something. Yet apparently it's not acceptable to make friends at work (they are just colleagues don't you know) or in the school playground (people have their own friends don't you know) etc. So most of us tend to stick with the friends we've got, within certain limits of behaviour.

“People are what they are. Rude people won’t become polite, selfish people won’t become unselfish”

Maybe for some people these attributes are immutable parts of their personality (in which case I’d wonder how the friendship developed in the first place).

But for most people it isn’t, and we have all been guilty of the odd selfish act, or rudeness at some time or another, particularly in times of stress. You say that people can’t change, but I disagree. I have had some of my friends for over 30 years bow and they have changed a great deal in that time.

When you are young out and about having fun you have lots of so called friends as it is vital for a social life .

As you move into adult hood some friends drift away , some use and betray you, life lessons.

When you marry or get into a LTR your social circle changes and shrinks When children come along you make other friends usually situational , that fade as your children get older or change schools .

Work friendships are simply that and usually fade or end when you leave that workplace.

As you get older time becomes more precious and your friendship circle gets tighter and tighter .You have no tolerance for bullshit or drama.

You are then left with a couple of people you can truly say are your friends.

No, obviously, but I don’t think that’s what the OP is referring to. I think she means people who tolerate unpleasant behaviour from ‘friends’ without ever saying anything, and then suddenly go non-contact out of the blue. Rather than only befriending people you actually value, and communicating with them about misunderstandings or patterns of behaviour.

Yes, there are some unhealthy to be around people that ot would make sense notcto be around

There is also the idea that people have a list and if someone does not tick that exact list they will disposed of

So who is right? The people making the list of not being everything on it?

"Is it just me seeing an increasing intolerance on here?"

Well the mumsnet crew are all getting older and with that comes experience...and therefore less tolerance.

I’m less tolerant of the people who are users, never make an effort, or monologue constantly about themselves.
maybe there are simply more of them around, but I don’t want to waste my time on them.

I have had a lot of friends over my life as sociable. In all that time I have been dumped once unjustified I felt but overall I hated her abusive partner and I did call him out to her so she didn’t like it. I miss her but would do the same again. Even DH noticed his behaviour and he doesn’t comment on others usually. This was with some drama due to her reaction. I have dumped a mate, no drama as just distanced when she became over invested and spent a lot of time trying to work out my financial situation, I retired early and she wanted to know fine detail about savings, pension, you know the actual amounts. She has overall become obsessed with money. She lives in a huge incredibly expensive house in the next road, mortgage paid off.

They develop because most women, when they are younger, conform, please and stay small / quiet. Then you grow up, wise up and realise you don’t need to do this and no longer need to put up with bullshit from other ppl. By this point you realise said people are unlikely to change - as you’ve experienced it long term - and you are quite happy to put your needs first for once, without caring that others perceive you to be intolerant, as OP put it.

So who are the friends behaving badly to an OP then? If all women start out conformist, ‘small and quiet’, who are the ones continually cancelling at no notice, using someone as free childcare, not paying back loans etc and all the friendship issues frequently posted about on here?

I said most women, not all.

I haven't read every thread on mumsnet so I'm not sure about on here but in my experience in real life most people have tried communicating until they're blue in the face before they end a friendship. I often find the person who is cut off is disingenuous and claims to not know why the friendship ended but most of the time they have been told, they just had been pushing at whatever boundary so long that they couldn't understand why it mattered now.

I'm sure some people are capricious and drop people for little or no reason but with most long term friendships I've seen it's been a long time coming.

Over recent months I have massively cut down my friendship group but only because I’m not having people pick me up and down when it suits them, making me feel bad or seeing my previous problems as ‘entertainment’.

It took years of me putting up with people before I’d reached my limit. This is my life - People only exist if I want them to.

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that there’s a loneliness epidemic.

@RubyRedBow
good for you. And now you’ve made space for nicer people in your life.