Disposable, imperfect friends.

[potatopaws]

I’m seeing this attitude on here more and more.

Friend has been unreasonable? -Ghost them.

Friend hasn’t “been there” for you in the way that you wanted them to be? -They are not a real friend.

Friend is too needy? -Block them.

Sometimes a ‘frenemy’ comes along that really does need to go, but friendship like any other relationship needs good communication, compromise, understanding, a willingness to make allowances and work through tricky patches. Nobody is perfect!

Is it just me seeing an increasing intolerance on here?

I think what you're seeing is a load of tough talk that only a small minority actually implement in real life. Most people in reality respond to their friends and family annoying them by saying nothing at all, mildly challenging them, balancing their faults against their good points, and maybe having a little moan to a trusted other. Which is the sensible and proportionate response for anyone who wants a life that is not full of unnecessary drama and conflict and that has other people in it.

Yes I think everyone on here must be perfect! The way they all cut people out, even family for misdemeanours they are heading for a very lonely old age

This is my life - People only exist if I want them to.

People objectively exist apart from you, even if you choose not to think about them. From the children making clothing in sweatshops to the people being bombed by weapons provided by our government.

Main character syndrome much?

Friendships come and go depending on what you/other person gets out of them surely? They're not disposable, but I'd say most friendships are not for life and knowing when to move on is healthy.

“This is my life - People only exist if I want them to.”

That actually sent a chill down my spine, and I’m not sure I’m articulate enough to express why.

I think I must be more of a collectivist than an individualist. I value community and like the feeling of living for more than just myself. It gives my life purpose and meaning.

If friends behave badly then they deserve to be ghosted IMO. Life is too short to make time for people who give you more aggro than pleasure and just because you were friends once doesn't mean that that person will or should always be in your life. Friendships come and go and that's okay. If someone used me for childcare or didn't return money or property they'd 'borrowed', then I'd have no qualms whatsoever about dropping them!

Watching 'Miss Austen' made me think how much shit women used to have to put up with, for the sake of politeness and social convention.

I mostly lose friends due to them drifting away or just being flaky. No drama. I just get tired of making all the effort.

And becoming grumpy intolerant old women

You see I think it's quite natural for friendships to ebb and flow and I don't see it at all like they are discarding me when they go through a period of having a less active social life. I think if you are generally a grounded person you can deal with these types of things without feeling slighted. I think I have gained so much in life by being an understanding and forgiving friend who doesn't expect my friends to always be 'on'. Most of my friends I have had for decades and I have gone through this with all of them at one point or another. Doesn't mean they are bad friends or doesn't like me.

When it comes to the "people only exist if I want them to" statement, that's just a little odd.

I was very good friends with someone for years. Met up with her, had a good time and left on what I thought was good terms. The next time I messaged her a few days later, she ignored me. I gave her the benefit of the doubt. Messaged her a a happy birthday a few weeks later. Ignored again. Asked her via another platform if she was ok. Said she was. But ultimately I have cooled off. I must have annoyed her but I don't know what I have done. She seemed friendly in person. I am not desperate enough to keep begging

Until social media, if you outgrew friends or moved away, the friendship would naturally drift. The past 15-20 years have seen an era where it's easy to keep collecting people and then it's a thing to "unfriend" them years after it ceased to be a properly functioning friendship.

Often in groups, you can like the majority of the group but struggle with one or two individuals. It might be negative traits, it might be just being incompatible. Challenging them directly will affect the whole group dynamic whereas cooling off on people is least likely to cause drama and conflict.

Ghosting has always been a natural conclusion to friendships. It's just now a thing that occurs less naturally than it used to because of the way communications have changed.

I think everyone is much busier now and has many more friends in general than 30 years ago simply because keeping in touch is so easy. I came to a point where I had a lot of “friends” but was spread too thinly and decided to cut down my friendship group to spend more time with the ones who really mattered to me, and less with those who had become friends of convenience.
there were some local school mums who I didn’t really enjoy their company, I often came away really deflated from evenings with them, but habit had meant we did coffee, drinks, walks etc. but I wasn’t enjoying it and it wasn’t making me feel good about myself. And I don’t mean that like - they didn’t shower me with compliments etc! I just felt I wasn’t a valued friend to them, they didn’t give me a chance to speak / I often felt belittled. They liked the sound of their own voice though and it felt so one way. So I just retreated, made excuses, “forgot” to answer the question about meeting for a coffee etc.
I feel SUCH a sense of relief. I have more time for my family, more time for myself and more time for my real friends.
less is definitely more as far as I’m concerned.

people can become “friends” by habit without actually being your friend in the true sense of the word. I’m turning 40 this year and I’m determined to only spend my time with the people who I think are true friends.

I can't do social media friendships. Unfortunately many of my friends seem to be content with those, never having time to meet but just liking stuff on social media. I need to meet at least every couple of months to sustain a friendship.

I think most people are perfectly tolerant of their friends' minor failings and quirks. But you're getting a skewed picture from Mumsnet, where people are posting about friendships that are causing them sufficient unhappiness and stress that they've needed to ask for advice - and those sorts of friendships generally are the ones that should be ended.

If anything, I'm always stunned by how many people on Mumsnet seem to have friends that they don't actually like, but think they have to continue spending time with solely because they've assigned them the role of 'friend' and seem to believe that's somehow legally binding for all eternity whether you actually enjoy their company or not.

There's a big difference between someone being 'imperfect' and someone making your heart sink with dread every time you get a text from them. Those are the kinds of friendships that people get told to end on Mumsnet, not the kind where your mate's a bit annoying about splitting bills in restaurants or goes a bit quiet sometimes.

I think Mumsnet (and possibly the internet in general) attracts a different balance of personality types to the real world as a whole.

On here I frequently see people taking great offence at everyday things, I see people very intolerant of others, people who won't answer the front door, who won't take in a package for a neighbour, who won't give a lift to a friend and won't do anything that doesn't directly benefit them. Also lots of people bemoaning the fact that they don't have a "village" and they don't have any real life friends or any support. IMO the actions cause the consequences.

In the real world, I generally find people are nice to each other. They happily do small favours and help each other out. They're quick to provide support when needed. They're understanding of each other's mistakes and aware they aren't perfect themselves. They don't point score and don't need everything to benefit them. They act as a community. And most people I know in the real world have a solid group of supportive friends and have a "village" around them which they've both given to and taken from.

I think it's something about online communities. I suspect a big chunk of the people who post the angriest posts and who shout the loudest online are those who don't have healthy, functional relationships and friendships off line. And often anyone trying to gently post a more reasonable view point is shouted down.

people are just fed up of others using them , competing with them and comparing and wanting to know all your personal details like finance plus there’s a lot that want to tell you what you are doing wrong even if your perfectly happy
I don’t think people end friendships for no good reason and when they do it’s probably long overdue

but when you find the really good people value then and treasure them and hang on to them
be interested in what’s going on in their lives not in a nosey way
in a genuine way
support their dreams for their lives and understand what they want in life may very well be different
basically live and let live

I’m not having people pick me up and down when it suits them

This is my life - People only exist if I want them to

The irony.

My mom is 75 and has always had a large circle of good friends from different things like jobs, volunteering, raising children.

She’s very social. I don’t think age means less friends.

For some people their circle grows as they get older.

My mum's 80 and has a huge.circle of friends, some 20 years younger.

@Lentilweaver same with my mum. I really think older generations valued community and friendship more.

I love that!

Agreed.
I think sense of community was more of a priority.

all depends. I’ve been ghosted and therefore my friend wasn’t there for me during hard times. I haven’t cut him off but I certainly think he hasn’t been a good friend.

Really interesting, I think you may be onto something there.

Oh wow I totally agree with you and have thought this myself. Makes a lot of sense.