Apparently I'm being OTT with his hobby?

[RainbowRead]

DS had found a new hobby. I've tried him in lots of things and none have stuck. Fine, no point if he doesn't enjoy it. He has ADHD and really struggles in school. Am part of a network of parents who have kids with ADHD and ASD. Lots have advised to help son find something he can be really good at, which helps with the fact that he feels 'rubbish at school'. Lots of support in school but he just struggles with it.

He's found BMXing, and is obsessed. He's been doing it a few months and has won a couple of races already. He's always beaming after. Constantly asking when his next race is. Actually wants to clean something (his bike!) and he's only 7!

I'm entering him into a race every 3-4 weeks or so. Practice every Saturday and Wednesday. Coaching every other Sunday. All require me to freeze my arse off for hours at a time but I've never, ever seen him so happy. He's strangely doing better at school for it too (any idea how that works?!)

Well, I've just got off the phone to my mum who thinks I'm doing too much, I'm going to wear him out, and I should focus on his school work (he's 7, he doesn't have school work!). He is behind a bit at school but not worryingly so.

He categorically will not tolerate any continuation of school at home. The only thing we do is reading, then a bike ride most nights.

Am I really going to wear him out? I genuinely think he could do well at BMXing. What's more is that he loves it. I don't have to push him at all. I'd be mad to cut down, right?

The fact that doing this has helped him improve at school, is absolute proof that it's good for him (in my mind anyway). And the fact that ADHD meltdowns can be cured by offering to help him clean, well that's just win win for both of you. You are a brilliant mum and don't let your mother make you think otherwise!

Oh god your mum would hate to hear my sons timetable Monday - Krav Maga Tuesday - kickboxing and football Wednesday - Krav Maga Thursday - football Friday - Maui Thai and Saturday - football match (anywhere with in a 40 minute drive away) he needs it or he gets sooo board!! There are week when he won’t do so much on the MMA side because he’s tired but we pick up more classes the week after. If your son’s happy then she should be happy. Well done to him for finding something he loves!! And is good at. Xx

@RainbowRead this is a great suggestion on how to channel your DS’s enthusiasm and interest in his biking into a task that should also help him improve some fundamental skills for school. Hopefully if he’s writing about a topic he loves, he’ll find the whole undertaking easier. Plus as it’s just for his sake (so he can track personal bests, finishes an such), with nothing riding on it in terms of school, being graded etc, he will hopefully feel comfortable enough that if he does make any mistakes, it’s no big deal and it doesn’t shake his confidence.

Sounds like you’re absolutely doing the right thing by your boy. But I’d personally steer clear of the cycle related dating pool - I will never be convinced a grown man looks good in tight, Lycra shorts. 😂

Ha! Thankfully BMXers don't wear lycra!

This is absolutely the wrong approach for kids with autism or ADHD, because if he doesn't manage the school work you will just destroy his enjoyment of it and make him feel like a failure again.

OP, keep doing what you're doing and ignore your mum, the is absolutely brilliant for your boy's mental health.

Gosh a bit emotional reading this. Other mum's to kids with ADHD will likely understand why. It's been a long 7 years of life for him. I could cry with happiness sometimes that he has his little friendship group that all share the same hobby as him.

As an x-BMXer (my joints are too crumbly now lol), I think it's a fantastic thing for your son to be doing. It's a fantastic community, filled with such a variety of different people - who unify over the love of it. It sounds like it's benefiting your son enormously. I've always been a big believer of encouraging any hobbies my children show an interest in (our garage is heaving with cricket, boxing, football, hockey, rugby etc. equipment - and lots of bikes. Is it all used now? Nope! But their bikes still are. Keep going for as long as he loves it and you're able. You're doing a great job! I've still got a BMX that I built from scratch and spent a small fortune on - it continues to be one of my most treasured possessions in my 40s xx

As long as he keeps enjoying it, you won't wear him out. I have ADHD and could do my hobbies forever. I'm into board gaming, and before I had my little girl, played Monday evening, Wednesday, and all day Sunday socially, and whenever in the week when I could convince my wife to play too haha. So while ever he's keen, go for it. It probs gives him a lot of joy and confidence. And friends!

He may drop it at some point as I have many ADHD hyperfixations lol, but equally he might not!!!

Your mum has all her priorities wrong.

You sound like you’re doing just fine, OP! Your DS is getting good exercise out in the fresh air, and you’ve said he’s even improved at school… what’s not to love?

Just a teeny word of warning tho - my DS was a mad keen stunt BMX rider, and was really good at it… til the day (aged 12) he went over the handlebars and knocked his adult teeth out!! Also skinned his face and split his chin open 3 inches!
It didn’t put him off!
As long as your DS has “all the gear” keep cheering him on!!

ADHD does not work like that (any reward needs to be immediate). And the exercise and regulation he gets from the BMXing will be helping his schoolwork* (as his mum has seen) plus the confidence he is gaining will further help him in the areas of life including school. Not sure why on earth you'd make something so effective and helpful a "treat" for completing schoolwork. Sounds completely counterproductive and arse about face.

*aerobic exercise is the next best thing for "treating" ADHD after medication. Aerobic exercise is also very effective for emotional regulation.

Yes be prepared, he could very suddenly and without warning lose al interest! If this happens though just find him something else, and let him know that no hobby needs to be gone forever, they can be picked up and put down and picked up again. It can be good for ADHDers to have a set of hobbies they can cycle.

Or he might just keep going which would be great as this sounds so good for him and you sound like a great mum!!

I’m not as convinced as everyone else. Every Wednesday and Saturday, alternate Sundays plus the competitions at least once a month sounds a lot to me.

I think your mum is just saying “don’t sacrifice your own life for this”. It’s sort of in the mum’s job description: you’re prioritising your son’s needs, she’s worried about yours.

Oh ouch. Thankfully if he went anywhere near the track without his full face helmet the coach would send him off for a 10 minute time out!

I've never been so happy. I've gained friends and a social life. If one of us ever becomes unhappy I'll reassess. This is my plan anyway!

So much of a neurodiverse person's life is spent feeling "not good enough" (you mentioned this in relation to school already).

If he's found something he loves that's such an important part of his life - absolutely no way I would take it away from him. And I wouldn't ever start putting conditions on it like poster upthread suggested ("you can do the race if you do the homework").

Yes, it needs to stay totally separate from school, I agree!

All this driving and standing around freezing your arse off is building a relationship with your son. You’re showing him that you’ve got his back, that you will support him. He’s doing something that is building his confidence, helping to manage his ADHD and is healthy! He’s SEVEN and he’s winning races. No doubt he’s also building friendships.

adhd people really need hobbies, our brains are critically short of dopamine and exercise increases levels of dopamine, winning at that really ups the dopamine level.

It doesn’t matter how long this lasts but being good at this at 7 years old will almost certainly make a difference to his long term confidence. But, realistically, how many people give up something they win at?

As fellow parent of an adhd kid, I think this sounds brilliant and very supportive of you!

Amazing story! Kids with adhd have such a hard time in school which often gets progressivey worse as more and more is expected of them. You are giving him the opportunity to have something which builds his confidence and esteem and that will be worth all the time in the world in future because he knows he can succeed in things even if he doesn't necessarily carry on with the bmx-ing.

children should ideally be doinng hours of physical activity daily

in our strange fucked up society we think they are 'tired' after sitting down all day.

I agree with the majority on here that you should lean into his passion as much as possible.

Making it conditional to schoolwork is terrible advice.

Trying to incorporate schoolwork - particularly maths - into the hobby sounds like a great idea. Lap times, splits etc. are all important to understand and a great way of "applying" knowledge in a way that he'll probably prefer to classroom maths.

DS is only mentally exhausted after school. It's easy to mistake this gorgeous physical exhaustion. He seems shattered, but will then go for 3 hours on his bike at the track after school and moan when we have to go home. You're so right, they need more physical activity than they get at school.

All the exercise is probably helping him self regulate which will be why he's doing better at school. Ignore your mum.

You have to have a passion in life. If anything it gives you more energy rather than wearing you out. I was in my 30s before I found my passion. (Horses)

Be happy he is happy, his confidence is up, he is doing better in school and maybe invite your mum to watch him so she can see the difference it makes in him.