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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate him?

81 replies

iSiTmE123123 · 10/02/2025 18:10

Sorry this is a long one, I'll condense as much as I can.

I was with my ex 3.5 years, we didn't live together but had a nice relationship.
I have PCOS and regularly don't have periods for 3, sometimes even 6 months. I was told, like my sisters, if I wanted to conceive I'd need meds to induce ovulation.

In 3.5 years my ex NEVER came inside me ... until one night, he did.
I asked him why? He said he just couldn't stop. I found it strange as it was something he never did, didn't really think much of it though, 4 or so weeks later, I started feeling sick and very tired, i though, although unlikely I'd better do a pregnancy test, I was beyond shocked that it was positive and I knew straight away that I wanted to keep it.
He demanded an abortion, get rid of it etc threatened to have someone kill me if I didn't.

Anyway, I had the baby and he has no contact and seemingly never will.

I was round my parents last week and I said that I hate ex for what he's done and how could he be so cruel to his own son, my dad said, well you've ruined his life by having a baby he doesn't want and I'm sure he hates you too, perhaps he is even more entitled to hate you, I left the conversation there as I don't want to argue with my dad.

This man done what you do to possibly create a baby and that happened, this part was all him.

Aibu to feel hate towards this man?

OP posts:
Original poster
iSiTmE123123 · 10/02/2025 20:16

@whatawonderfultime funny you should say that, my mum swears he has a child slightly older than my eldest brother. He denies it completely

OP posts:
Original poster
iSiTmE123123 · 10/02/2025 20:20

I really can't help but hate him, I try so hard to not even think about him. After 3.5 years I thought I knew him but I really did not, I never thought I'd be printing off messages where he is threatening to kill me and putting them in an envelope marked "open if anything happens to me"
I am due to go back to work soon and I'm a little worried about someone attacking me when I leave but that's another issue.

OP posts:
thepariscrimefiles · 10/02/2025 20:25

AlloaintheMiddle · 10/02/2025 18:21

Why is the dad a bastard?
The father/ex clearly didn’t want the baby so yes he must be unhappy you went ahead with the pregnancy.

But you wanted your baby, that’s all that matters so live your life, enjoy your child and don’t waste your time hating his father.

The father of the baby is a bastard because, after having unprotected sex with OP, he told her that if she didn't have an abortion, he would find someone to kill her.

Twaddlepip · 10/02/2025 20:28

Your ex threatened to have you killed unless you had an abortion? Who the fuck are these people around you that are in total support of him?

My god. I am so shocked. Your father and your ‘friend’ are utter cunts.

paradisecityx · 10/02/2025 20:30

Wow.
Ex aside, your dad sounds like a class A c*nt.

thepariscrimefiles · 10/02/2025 20:30

pompey38 · 10/02/2025 19:03

I’m with your friend on this one, he didn’t want the baby, you did, so why your wish is above his? you chose to have the baby, raise him well and be happy, forget about the man , you knew you’ll be a single mum from the start.
The conception was 50/50 fault

Show quote history

He had unprotected sex with OP which he knew could result in pregnancy. He did tell her to get rid of the baby and threatened to find someone to kill her if she didn't.

Legally OP is entitled to maintenance and so she should claim. Why on earth should she take her ex's feelings into consideration considering how he has treated her?

Twaddlepip · 10/02/2025 20:30

Also did the handmaiden posters miss the part where the OP told us, in her first post, that her ex threatened to have her killled?

Viviennemary · 10/02/2025 20:31

You have a perfect right to hate your ex. He sounds vile.

Ketzele · 10/02/2025 20:32

Your ex is a dick, your dad is a dick.

Slightly shocked by those on this thread lecturing you about contraception, and implying it's important to establish you were at fault. CM is what the father owes the child, you don't get a rebate if 'it was her fault too'.

Original poster
iSiTmE123123 · 10/02/2025 20:34

My dad "knows everything" and won't be told otherwise and that's about absolutely everything!
My 'friend' had a baby with someone she was with that left her whilst pregnant, he does see the baby and he does pay cm, she is on benefits and her parents pay her rent and council tax,( she still claims the housong part tho) if her ex didn't pay cms she could probably afford to live, unfortunately my parents do not pay my rent and ct

OP posts:
Lostcat · 10/02/2025 20:37

choccytime · 10/02/2025 20:08

Your Dad s a prat and so is your 'friend '

This is the sum of it

Hiccupsandteacups · 10/02/2025 20:42

Tbh I hate your dad more than your ex

Housemartinfeather · 10/02/2025 20:57

Nevermind "in case anything happens to me". You get that envelope out and take it to the police. You do everything in your power to make sure nothing happens to you. Especially if you are going to go for CM. You don't want to leave that beautiful baby boy to be potentially raised by your vile excuse of a father.

If you have evidence, USE IT.

Roofofdoom · 10/02/2025 21:03

thestudio · 10/02/2025 18:13

I'm surprised you don't feel hate towards your father, who is a vile misogynist.

I expect he has form, doesn't he?

HRTFT but this was my immediate reaction too. No wonder you ended up with a vile and abusive man if that was the model of men that you had from your father.

Im so sorry OP. Your feelings are absolutely valid!!! Enjoy your wonderful child, the good thing to come out of all of this. Focus on the two of you and building your life as a mother and also for yourself. You are both well rid of that awful man and I’d consider ditching your dad too! Toxic. You deserve better.

TwigletsAndRadishes · 10/02/2025 21:03

PandaTime · 10/02/2025 19:03

PCOS doesn't mean you are infertile. Irregular or not, you were still having periods. One or both of you should have been using contraception to prevent pregnancy. I'm not sure why you hate your ex for not being involved when he made it clear that he would not be involved. You chose to continue with the pregnancy knowing this. But, regardless of who hates who, there is a living child here now and the two people who created him should be supporting him. Go for CM.

That's what I was thinking. The OP said she was told (by her doctor, presumably) that in order to conceive she'd need to have meds to stimulate ovulation.

I'm not sure a doctor would ever categorically tell someone they would not be able to get PG full stop, except in certain circumstances, like you have no womb or no ovaries or some condition which definitely renders you completely infertile.

I suspect what the doctor said was 'your PCOS may mean you have trouble conceiving and you may need meds to stimulate ovulation.'

It's not the first time I've heard someone declare themselves unable to have children without medical intervention and while that may be a legitimate fear, it's not a medical fact. It certainly shouldn't be something you are telling the men that you sleep with, as if they have absolutely nothing to worry about and needn't bothing using BC or worry about whether you are.

I've lost count of the number of times on MN I've read of people saying 'I didn't use BC because I was told I couldn't have children and then I got accidentally PG.' Or 'my partner told me she couldn't have children and now she's PG and I feel tricked.'

PandaTime · 10/02/2025 21:40

TwigletsAndRadishes · 10/02/2025 21:03

That's what I was thinking. The OP said she was told (by her doctor, presumably) that in order to conceive she'd need to have meds to stimulate ovulation.

I'm not sure a doctor would ever categorically tell someone they would not be able to get PG full stop, except in certain circumstances, like you have no womb or no ovaries or some condition which definitely renders you completely infertile.

I suspect what the doctor said was 'your PCOS may mean you have trouble conceiving and you may need meds to stimulate ovulation.'

It's not the first time I've heard someone declare themselves unable to have children without medical intervention and while that may be a legitimate fear, it's not a medical fact. It certainly shouldn't be something you are telling the men that you sleep with, as if they have absolutely nothing to worry about and needn't bothing using BC or worry about whether you are.

I've lost count of the number of times on MN I've read of people saying 'I didn't use BC because I was told I couldn't have children and then I got accidentally PG.' Or 'my partner told me she couldn't have children and now she's PG and I feel tricked.'

Edited
Show quote history

It happens a lot. Women are told they may have trouble conceiving, but they hear "infertile" so tell their boyfriends that they can't have children who stupidly don't question it until one day a 'miracle' happens and everyone is shocked when they really shouldn't be shocked because having sex without using contraception causes pregnancy.

TwigletsAndRadishes · 10/02/2025 21:47

PandaTime · 10/02/2025 21:40

It happens a lot. Women are told they may have trouble conceiving, but they hear "infertile" so tell their boyfriends that they can't have children who stupidly don't question it until one day a 'miracle' happens and everyone is shocked when they really shouldn't be shocked because having sex without using contraception causes pregnancy.

Show quote history

Yes, exactly.

Original poster
iSiTmE123123 · 10/02/2025 22:09

As I've said before I never once told him I couldn't get pregnant, If I had or he thought that was the case he never would have used the pull out method.
I wasn't thinking about having children yet and I'm not naive enough to think it could never happen.
I never put us in the situation but I had to make a decision, if he'd kept to our usual routine there would of been no decision needing to be made

OP posts:
PandaTime · 10/02/2025 22:40

Not using contraception was your usual routine. You've been playing Russian roulette with pregnancy for years. Pulling out on time is never guaranteed. You also had the backup option of getting the MAP afterwards but you chose not to for whatever reason. You did nothing to prevent pregnancy all this time despite being the sole person who has to bear the burden of pregnancy and childbirth. Instead you left it down to him to pull out on time. You're equally to blame for this.

TwigletsAndRadishes · 10/02/2025 22:46

I never put us in the situation but I had to make a decision, if he'd kept to our usual routine there would of been no decision needing to be made

Yes you did put yourself in the situation. You were not using any BC so you are jointly responsible for the situation. It's not solely his fault that a notoriously unreliable method eventually failed. Why did you opt to not be on any BC yourself? And why would you not ask your BF to use condoms? If you genuinely had no hope or intention of getting pregnant then it seems unbelievably naive and irresponsible of you to rely on your BF pulling out just before ejaculation for 3.5 years.

Teamcullen23 · 10/02/2025 22:52

AlloaintheMiddle · 10/02/2025 18:21

Why is the dad a bastard?
The father/ex clearly didn’t want the baby so yes he must be unhappy you went ahead with the pregnancy.

But you wanted your baby, that’s all that matters so live your life, enjoy your child and don’t waste your time hating his father.

If he didn't want the baby he shouldn't have ejaculated inside her since that is how babies are most commonly made.

Threatening to kill her because she wouldn't abort the baby is abhorrent.

Her father is abhorrent for defending this behaviour. Towards his own daughter too, shows what he thinks of women.

Yanbu to hate him op but you are better off without such a toxic prick in your life. The same could be said for your father too.

Roofofdoom · 10/02/2025 22:53

TwigletsAndRadishes · 10/02/2025 22:46

I never put us in the situation but I had to make a decision, if he'd kept to our usual routine there would of been no decision needing to be made

Yes you did put yourself in the situation. You were not using any BC so you are jointly responsible for the situation. It's not solely his fault that a notoriously unreliable method eventually failed. Why did you opt to not be on any BC yourself? And why would you not ask your BF to use condoms? If you genuinely had no hope or intention of getting pregnant then it seems unbelievably naive and irresponsible of you to rely on your BF pulling out just before ejaculation for 3.5 years.

This man threatened to kill her. Let’s not forget that and let’s may be lay off her a bit. It takes two to tango and he is equally responsible but may be had the power here so I’m guessing she was coerced into not using contraception. Just a guess though.

Faz469 · 10/02/2025 22:57

iSiTmE123123 · 10/02/2025 18:40

Thank you for all your replies, I think I'm questioning whether or not I'm in the right or not, is because as well as my dad, my friend a few weeks back told me, I shouldn't claim cm as he didn't want a baby and she said if I do it's immoral and she could never do that. I'm thinking maybe I'm just bitter and twisted and not seeing things clearly

If he didn't want a baby he should have worn a condom. Babies happen when condoms and other forms of contraception are not used. Simple case of FAFO. Claim CM.

Mrsknowitall · 10/02/2025 22:59

Your dad is a arsehole the same as your ex. Don’t go for cm, not for the excuse that your friend has come up with but you could open up a can of worms here at the moment your ex is ignoring his child (fantastic in my opinion) but once he is paying for your child I bet you any money he will want to see exactly what he is paying for and then start lording it over you and then want regular contact and do you really want a man who threatens your life back in it. Trust me move on and be happy with your little boy x

SwerveCity · 10/02/2025 23:03

PandaTime · 10/02/2025 22:40

Not using contraception was your usual routine. You've been playing Russian roulette with pregnancy for years. Pulling out on time is never guaranteed. You also had the backup option of getting the MAP afterwards but you chose not to for whatever reason. You did nothing to prevent pregnancy all this time despite being the sole person who has to bear the burden of pregnancy and childbirth. Instead you left it down to him to pull out on time. You're equally to blame for this.

wtf