Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate him?

81 replies

iSiTmE123123 · 10/02/2025 18:10

Sorry this is a long one, I'll condense as much as I can.

I was with my ex 3.5 years, we didn't live together but had a nice relationship.
I have PCOS and regularly don't have periods for 3, sometimes even 6 months. I was told, like my sisters, if I wanted to conceive I'd need meds to induce ovulation.

In 3.5 years my ex NEVER came inside me ... until one night, he did.
I asked him why? He said he just couldn't stop. I found it strange as it was something he never did, didn't really think much of it though, 4 or so weeks later, I started feeling sick and very tired, i though, although unlikely I'd better do a pregnancy test, I was beyond shocked that it was positive and I knew straight away that I wanted to keep it.
He demanded an abortion, get rid of it etc threatened to have someone kill me if I didn't.

Anyway, I had the baby and he has no contact and seemingly never will.

I was round my parents last week and I said that I hate ex for what he's done and how could he be so cruel to his own son, my dad said, well you've ruined his life by having a baby he doesn't want and I'm sure he hates you too, perhaps he is even more entitled to hate you, I left the conversation there as I don't want to argue with my dad.

This man done what you do to possibly create a baby and that happened, this part was all him.

Aibu to feel hate towards this man?

OP posts:
Coconutter24 · 10/02/2025 19:14

pompey38 · 10/02/2025 19:03

I’m with your friend on this one, he didn’t want the baby, you did, so why your wish is above his? you chose to have the baby, raise him well and be happy, forget about the man , you knew you’ll be a single mum from the start.
The conception was 50/50 fault

Show quote history

The conception was 50/50 fault

therefore everyone needs to face financial responsibilities, if you don’t want a baby you use protection and if you don’t use protection then you face the consequences

Itsfiiiine · 10/02/2025 19:23

You seem to be surrounded by cunts.
I hope there are other more supportive people in your life? Raising a baby alone is hard. If you genuinely have no-one I'd fuck off somewhere else, start afresh and leave the lot of them behind. Your dad should be supporting you, he's just as bad, clearly a misogynist.
Oh but absolutely claim maintenance, it's your child's legal right to be financially supported by both the people that made him/her.

MyrtleLion · 10/02/2025 19:24

iSiTmE123123 · 10/02/2025 18:40

Thank you for all your replies, I think I'm questioning whether or not I'm in the right or not, is because as well as my dad, my friend a few weeks back told me, I shouldn't claim cm as he didn't want a baby and she said if I do it's immoral and she could never do that. I'm thinking maybe I'm just bitter and twisted and not seeing things clearly

If he didn't want a baby he should have taken steps to make sure he didn't get anyone pregnant. It takes two.

Nanny0gg · 10/02/2025 19:30

iSiTmE123123 · 10/02/2025 18:40

Thank you for all your replies, I think I'm questioning whether or not I'm in the right or not, is because as well as my dad, my friend a few weeks back told me, I shouldn't claim cm as he didn't want a baby and she said if I do it's immoral and she could never do that. I'm thinking maybe I'm just bitter and twisted and not seeing things clearly

You absolutely DO claim CM

He's the father and it seems a bit of a deliberate act

Ignore your friend

gamerchick · 10/02/2025 19:32

boulevardofbrokendreamss · 10/02/2025 18:15

Well you should have used contraception but that horse has bolted.

Your father doesn't sound very nice.

Or he could have if he didn't want to breed Hmm

DaisyChain505 · 10/02/2025 19:34

call me stupid but if a man doesn’t want a child HE should be using contraception.

Your Dad is a misogynist and so is your dirt bag ex.

crankytoes · 10/02/2025 19:36

He threatened to have someone kill you?
😶
😶
😶
And your father's first line of thought was that the man was hard done by? 😶

Beggars belief

thestudio · 10/02/2025 19:37

If they don't want a baby, use contraception.

It's really that simple.

And in fact, in England and Wales, 'stealthing' - where a condom is removed without the consent of the woman - is rape.

That's not quite what happened here - although there is a precedent - but you should absolutely regard him as an aggressor in that encounter.It's worse than just 'not bothering to pull out' - he's forced you to be pregnant against your will because your agreement and habit was that he would not ejaculate inside you, and you did not consent to any change to that agreement.

Scales of justice

Sex consent could still lead to rape charge, judges say

A woman who agreed to sex might still be a victim of rape, the High Court rules in a case where a man ejaculated - against the wishes of his partner.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-22281457

Onlyvisiting · 10/02/2025 19:38

iSiTmE123123 · 10/02/2025 18:10

Sorry this is a long one, I'll condense as much as I can.

I was with my ex 3.5 years, we didn't live together but had a nice relationship.
I have PCOS and regularly don't have periods for 3, sometimes even 6 months. I was told, like my sisters, if I wanted to conceive I'd need meds to induce ovulation.

In 3.5 years my ex NEVER came inside me ... until one night, he did.
I asked him why? He said he just couldn't stop. I found it strange as it was something he never did, didn't really think much of it though, 4 or so weeks later, I started feeling sick and very tired, i though, although unlikely I'd better do a pregnancy test, I was beyond shocked that it was positive and I knew straight away that I wanted to keep it.
He demanded an abortion, get rid of it etc threatened to have someone kill me if I didn't.

Anyway, I had the baby and he has no contact and seemingly never will.

I was round my parents last week and I said that I hate ex for what he's done and how could he be so cruel to his own son, my dad said, well you've ruined his life by having a baby he doesn't want and I'm sure he hates you too, perhaps he is even more entitled to hate you, I left the conversation there as I don't want to argue with my dad.

This man done what you do to possibly create a baby and that happened, this part was all him.

Aibu to feel hate towards this man?

You would be totally entitled to hate both of them! That is a vile and unforgivable attitude from your dad.

crankytoes · 10/02/2025 19:38

@pompey38

I’m with your friend on this one, he didn’t want the baby, you did, so why your wish is above his?

The monster threatened to have the OP killed. I'm amazed you would have skipped past this little nugget

Original poster
iSiTmE123123 · 10/02/2025 19:40

I never told ex I couldn't get pregnant, not once, like I said he always would "pull out" i never said, it was safe or ok to ejaculate inside me, I never even thought of it as it wasn't something he ever did.
I do get he didn't want to have a child and he didn't have to have a child had he not done what he did.
He put the situation on me and I had to make a decision, he didn't like it but he still could have 100% avoided it.
I do feel bad my son won't have his dad but best to start as he means to go on, for the sake of consistency.
I do have other friends and family that are 100% behind me and would be even if they didn't agree with me they'd still support me, I appreciate all your replies and If this was someone else's situation I'd know the answer!

OP posts:
ASimpleLampoon · 10/02/2025 19:43

iSiTmE123123 · 10/02/2025 18:40

Thank you for all your replies, I think I'm questioning whether or not I'm in the right or not, is because as well as my dad, my friend a few weeks back told me, I shouldn't claim cm as he didn't want a baby and she said if I do it's immoral and she could never do that. I'm thinking maybe I'm just bitter and twisted and not seeing things clearly

If he didn't want a baby he should have had a vasectomy, kept his dick in his pants, or worn a condom.

Take every penny you can from him

And go NC with your vile father.

Dramatic · 10/02/2025 19:48

pompey38 · 10/02/2025 19:05

or she should have been on the pill?? why it’s always the man’s fault? especially when she told him she can’t get pregnant?

Show quote history

Because clearly he was the one who was dead set against wanting a child, op has pcos so a lot of contraception may have been out of the question for her. Plus condoms are extremely easy and don't have any side effects on the user. He should have taken all the precautions if pregnancy was such a no-no for him.

Dramatic · 10/02/2025 19:50

Also you are absolutely not being unreasonable to hate him, he threatened to have you killed! Vile man.

Dweetfidilove · 10/02/2025 19:52

So he went from being 'careful' to playing contraceptive roulette, tried to coerce you into an abortion by threatening to kill you; and your dad and friend think he's right and you're immoral?

Feel free to hate all of them.

TemporaryPosition · 10/02/2025 19:59

AlloaintheMiddle · 10/02/2025 18:21

Why is the dad a bastard?
The father/ex clearly didn’t want the baby so yes he must be unhappy you went ahead with the pregnancy.

But you wanted your baby, that’s all that matters so live your life, enjoy your child and don’t waste your time hating his father.

Didn't want a baby so much that he ejaculated inside you. Tough. If he didn't want a baby he shouldn't have participated in its conception. I'm so sorry these 2 men in your life are such losers. Wrap your baby in love and protect him from these two horrors

pinklilys · 10/02/2025 20:01

iSiTmE123123 · 10/02/2025 18:40

Thank you for all your replies, I think I'm questioning whether or not I'm in the right or not, is because as well as my dad, my friend a few weeks back told me, I shouldn't claim cm as he didn't want a baby and she said if I do it's immoral and she could never do that. I'm thinking maybe I'm just bitter and twisted and not seeing things clearly

I was in the exact same situation (except the threatening to kill me bit) - I too kept the baby, he buggered off and no, I claimed nothing. I told him I couldn't conceive (had been told by a consultant after years of trying) so I would have felt guilty taking money.

Son now 35, haven't set eyes on ex for 32 years. It's been brilliant, no interfering in the way I raised my son.

But you do you, no one is living your life so no one can say you're right or wrong

JudgeBread · 10/02/2025 20:04

Good grief you've got some arseholes in your life haven't you? Dickhead father and dickhead friend and all, fancy saying that to you after the way your ex behaved towards you (after finishing inside you with what sounds like questionable consent to do so, "just couldn't stop"???)

Hating someone who threatened to kill you if you didn't abort is completely justified. Hopefully one day that hate can fade to indifference, which will be much healthier for you. For now hate him, I'll hate him too, maybe if enough of us have a little hate for him this evening he'll stub his toe on something really hard or step on a plug or something. Prick.

Gettingbysomehow · 10/02/2025 20:04

I still hate my ex husband who I divorced 40 years ago but it's more contempt than hate now. He is the one who has no relationship with my wonderful son so in the end he's the loser and so is your ex. We are the lucky ones.

DoYouReally · 10/02/2025 20:06

Well they do say we end up with men like out fathers!

I think hate is a wasted emotion. It's draining. It might be worth reframing it as while I don't have much time of the man, I'm grateful for the child we concieved. With him, you may not have your children and I'm sure you wouldn't exchange your child for anything.

thepariscrimefiles · 10/02/2025 20:07

iSiTmE123123 · 10/02/2025 18:40

Thank you for all your replies, I think I'm questioning whether or not I'm in the right or not, is because as well as my dad, my friend a few weeks back told me, I shouldn't claim cm as he didn't want a baby and she said if I do it's immoral and she could never do that. I'm thinking maybe I'm just bitter and twisted and not seeing things clearly

Your friend is as horrible as your dad. Most fathers would feel protective about their daughters who have been left to bring up a child on their own, but your dad seems to be on the side of your feckless twat of an ex-partner.

choccytime · 10/02/2025 20:08

Your Dad s a prat and so is your 'friend '

whatawonderfultime · 10/02/2025 20:12

Sounds like your dad has a secret child tbh

BlueMum16 · 10/02/2025 20:13

You both could and should have used contraception. I hope you do for any further relationships.

You have gone ahead with a pregnancy that your ex did not want. That is your choice. But obviously he's entitled to not to have wanted the child. He is entitled to choose not to see the child or be involved as sad as that is for the child.

Unfortunately as he chose unprotected sex he now needs to pay for his decision on the form of CM.

sugarandfudge · 10/02/2025 20:13

Immoral to claim support for his biological child? How about the morality of destroying a baby? If we want to talk morals, I know which I think is worse.

Bottom line is it doesn't matter if he wanted a baby or not. He had sex and a baby resulted from it. If you can get support from him and need it, that's his consequence for having sex.

He threatened you, so of course you hate him. I'd hate your father, too, after what he said, but for the sake of keeping the peace I'd probably just never discuss this in his presence again, unless this is the tip of the iceberg, in which case I'd stop seeing him.

All that said, life is short and we only hurt ourselves by dwelling on feelings of hatred, however well deserved they are. I'd try to stop thinking of him at all, as far as is possible. He's in for a life of misery, most likely, and you're better off without him.