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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be upset at mother in law for saying i put DH under too much pressure?

80 replies

Ideas22 · 10/02/2025 14:33

Firstly mother in law is great we have never had any issues in the last 10 years. DH has been very stressed and hasn’t been enjoying his job lately. He has a history of seizures periodically throughout his life since he was a child. He has had a couple in the last few months after not having any for many years so its been stressful all round and we have young kids. The aibu comes when talking of holidays i say i was telling dh that we need to take kids on holidays and we need to give them more memories while they are young and I don’t want them to be the only ones not doing anything during the holidays as they will be left out at school if friends are talking about stuff they did. Mother in law then says i put dh under a lot of pressure. Am really upset by this as it felt like she was saying i am the cause of his stress therefore the seizures. Aibu to feel this way? By the way this isnt true at all instead am the one who has supported him throughout this and he has consistently said to me that he is so happy at home and loves how supportive i have been. But now i think his family are blaming me for his illness and they think am the cause of the stress. She also said if I wanted to take kids out i should do it by myself and leave dh but thats not a solution to me why cant we do stuff as a family.

OP posts:

rubyslippers · 10/02/2025 14:35

I think you need to get him to the GP and look at getting his stress etc under control

taking the kids away when your DH isn’t in full
health is not ideal especially when it’s acute - that’s the priority right now

having said that it’s unreasonable your MIL suggests you go away without your DH

Moonnstars · 10/02/2025 14:37

I can see both sides.
If DH is starting to have seizures because of stress that is not going to be good in the long term or even enjoyable on a day out, especially if this adds to the stress.
What sort of days out and holidays are you thinking of? As is this something adding to him feeling stressed.

SapphireOpal · 10/02/2025 14:40

So you want your DH to continue working hard in his stressful job so you have enough money to take the kids on holiday?

I'm not surprised your MIL thinks your priorities are all wrong FFS.

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/02/2025 14:40

Sounds like the priority is getting him medical attention for what sounds like a serious condition?

Children are making memories constantly, you don’t need to do anything big, complicated, showy or abroad for them to have happy exciting childhoods. You certainly don’t need to be going abroad with a husband who’s having seizures, I doubt you’d get insurance.

MIL is worried about her son and hearing you talk about holidays when her son isn’t coping well with the day to day seems fair enough. You’re focussing on the wrong things. The kids need a healthy dad.

Favour237 · 10/02/2025 14:40

I think saying we should go on a family holiday - perfectly normal. The way you’ve worded it is quite highly pressured actually and feels really unnecessary when your husband isn’t well, I don’t agree with the whole making memories trope anyway but having to go away because otherwise they won’t have anything to talk about at school is ludicrous. It sounds like you’re trying to pressure and guilt trip him into a holiday he is hesitant about.

AffIt · 10/02/2025 14:40

I think getting to the bottom of your husband's medical condition and hopefully solving or alleviating it takes precedence over 'making memories'.

MumChp · 10/02/2025 14:41

No you dont need to take young children holiday.

Focus on your husband's wellbeing and health.

Tagyoureit · 10/02/2025 14:41

Well read the room, your dh is unwell to the point of having seizures, stressed at work but knows he can't just quit his job and you're blithering on about going on holiday to "keep up with the joneses" which can be a unnecessary financial burden. It's a bit crass!

MistyF · 10/02/2025 14:41

I voted YABU.

manly because people often time need some time away from their kids and it sounds like you're not accepting that.
Take him to doctor, if he wasn't to doctor already.

MissUltraViolet · 10/02/2025 14:42

What’s the financial set up? Do you earn or is DH the sole/main earner? If so then I can understand why she reacted how she did. He has been stressed at work lately and his seizures are returning as a result…and you are complaining about wanting to go on holiday.

Maddy70 · 10/02/2025 14:44

She has known him all her life. Stress triggers seizures. She isn't saying you're causing them but family stress added to work stress doesn't help. Work stress you can't do anything about but family stress can be eased does he have to work harder in order to pay for a holiday? Is it another task he will have to do .. booking, planning etc ?
If money isn't the issue. Why don't you book it , take the decision making off him , or maybe a holiday is something he really can't cope with at the moment. (They can be quite stressful!)
I think you need to encourage him to go to the doctor's and seek advice

BruFord · 10/02/2025 14:45

What you need to remember is how that your MIL still views her son the way you view your children, I.e., his health and well-being are her priorities. She may care about you too, but mainly because you make her son happy, iyswim.

If his current stress levels may lead to seizures, he needs medical help. Perhaps also think of some family-friendly activities that can help reduce stress-walking, cycling, swimming, etc.

Pigeonqueen · 10/02/2025 14:46

rubyslippers · 10/02/2025 14:35

I think you need to get him to the GP and look at getting his stress etc under control

taking the kids away when your DH isn’t in full
health is not ideal especially when it’s acute - that’s the priority right now

having said that it’s unreasonable your MIL suggests you go away without your DH

All of this.

JonSnowedUnder · 10/02/2025 14:47

She is his mother and I'm sure she worries about the seizures. He might be an adult but he's still her son. I think if you haven't had any issues with her in 10 years, gives her some grace. Maybe she over stepped, maybe she has a point, it's hard for us to know from what you've written but I would definitely prioritise health above holidays.

VoodooRajin · 10/02/2025 14:50

That sounds v annoying, it will just be used as an excuse not to do anything, holidays as a family are important

CandidRaven · 10/02/2025 14:50

He is her son and she wants to make sure he is not stressed as she knows that causes more seizures and I think his health is more important than holidays to be honest

Miley1967 · 10/02/2025 14:50

Does mil think the additional stress is form dh thinking he has to work harder to pay for holidays or the actual stress of taking them away on holiday? To be honest I don't think there's anything more stressful than going on holiday with small kids so she may have a point ! I imagine it's stressful if he can no longer drive etc. I would just have a quiet summer, low key with local days out. Kids can get just as much from these.

Dror · 10/02/2025 14:53

Are you employed? If not, it would be pressuring your husband to fund a holiday to keep up with the Joneses.

How did your MIL know you told your husband you want a holiday?

Obviously the only important thing is getting the man's seizures under control. He must be terrified.

CulturalNomad · 10/02/2025 14:53

First things first: your husband having several seizures after having been fine for many years is a red flag. He needs to see the doctor as soon as possible. This takes priority over taking the kids on holiday.

It really is odd to be banging on about how you absolutely must takes the kids away or they'll be at some kind of disadvantage at school. That's actually pretty silly. Strongly encourage your husband to get himself to the GP, then sit down as a couple and figure out how you can alleviate some of the stressors that may be contributing to your husband's health issues.

LifeExperience · 10/02/2025 14:53

You can make memories with your dc in your local area while your dh gets proper treatment for his seizure disorder.

Original poster

Ideas22 · 10/02/2025 14:55

He is getting medical help and has seen the neurologist and is getting treatment obviously that was the first priority but everything is under control in that sense. His job is a different issue i have said many times he needs to leave it as there is no issues financially but I can’t force him to i have said many times.

OP posts:

toomuchfaff · 10/02/2025 15:00

we need to take kids on holidays and we need to give them more memories while they are young and I don’t want them to be the only ones not doing anything during the holidays as they will be left out at school

Because holidays are the most important thing in a child's life... YES YABU

Holidays are the bottom priority of a long list when critical health issues are also on that list...

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 10/02/2025 15:01

But holidays aren’t important? They aren’t necessary.

Original poster

Ideas22 · 10/02/2025 15:07

Yes i work currently part time and he doesn’t need to stay in his job. I have said many times he needs to leave if it’s causing him stress and find something else or even go part time then i can up my hours back up and he has categorically said he doesn’t want to do that as he doesn’t think its the job thats the issue but the company and management so if he leaves he will go to another company and keep things as they are. Am happy to up my hours and for him to go part time but just doesn’t want to and he is a grown man I can’t force him to do anything he doesn’t want to

OP posts:

Original poster

Ideas22 · 10/02/2025 15:10

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 10/02/2025 15:01

But holidays aren’t important? They aren’t necessary.

I know that but we can afford it and he has never said he doesn’t want to go before and in fact he has said he likes to have something booked as that always gives him something to look foward to.

OP posts:

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