AIBU to be upset at mother in law for saying i put DH under too much pressure?

[Ideas22]

Firstly mother in law is great we have never had any issues in the last 10 years. DH has been very stressed and hasn’t been enjoying his job lately. He has a history of seizures periodically throughout his life since he was a child. He has had a couple in the last few months after not having any for many years so its been stressful all round and we have young kids. The aibu comes when talking of holidays i say i was telling dh that we need to take kids on holidays and we need to give them more memories while they are young and I don’t want them to be the only ones not doing anything during the holidays as they will be left out at school if friends are talking about stuff they did. Mother in law then says i put dh under a lot of pressure. Am really upset by this as it felt like she was saying i am the cause of his stress therefore the seizures. Aibu to feel this way? By the way this isnt true at all instead am the one who has supported him throughout this and he has consistently said to me that he is so happy at home and loves how supportive i have been. But now i think his family are blaming me for his illness and they think am the cause of the stress. She also said if I wanted to take kids out i should do it by myself and leave dh but thats not a solution to me why cant we do stuff as a family.

Based purely on this - I haven't read any other posts - I agree with her!

'we need to take kids on holidays and we need to give them more memories while they are young and I don’t want them to be the only ones not doing anything during the holidays as they will be left out at school if friends are talking about stuff they did'
This is such a weird view of the world. Very instgrammy mum vibes. Do you work/pay for holidays/plan them? Or is it all on DH?

Her husband is free to discuss his private health issues with whomever he chooses. It would be quite sad if he didn't feel he could open up to his own parents.

Like i have said many times it isn’t about money at all as that’s not an issue but of course i can understand that mother in law has no idea about our finances especially mine as i would never discuss that with her or anyone for that matter so maybe assumes i need dh to continue in his job which I don’t at all and he knows that. The conversation was just a general chat between me and her and SIL where i just mentioned to them that i had said that to him And she immediately made assumptions when she doesn’t know our finances at all.

Absolutely this ! As a Mum I can still show concern for my children ,whatever their age and circumstances .

To be fair, this is how your post comes across @Ideas22

Maybe i phrased that wrong. Neither me or dh has an instagram account so that’s nothing to do with it. I have a facebook but I don’t put my kids on the internet. Maybe that comes from my own childhood where i never did anything but cleaning and watching tv all summer long and struggled when i went back to school and had to listen to others talking about their fun summers. But it is not all on dh husband i work and have done well for myself and happy to swap roles if he preferred where he works part time and look after the kids which he doesn’t want to do so is not forced or pressured into anything. Maybe pressured by his feelings of wanting to be the bread winner when he doesn’t need to be especially if it’s stressful for him

It sounds as if it was you who started talking about this with your MIL.
Don't tell her things if you don't want her opinion.
She's probably worried about her son.
You have given her some information i.e. you think your kids are missing out and need to go on holiday- but you think other information i.e. that you're earning enough yourself to pay for it and you have suggested that your husband takes a less stressful job, is none of her business.
She's probably got the wrong impression, but that's down to how you worded it.
She's going off what you said to her.

You need to forget all that nonsense, focus on your husband getting better and stop badgering him about this sort of stuff. Holidays can come later.

I think be careful about talking to your MIL about your DH if you don’t want to here her opinion.

Yabu. I thought you wanted him to have a holiday so he can relax. you lost me when you talked about making memories for the DC.
Your DH isn't well. My priority would be to get it medically assessed and treated. Holiday isn't really a priority right now esp if it's about 'making memories'. There are a million times to 'make memories' tbh, I don't even have a clue what on earth that means. I was never able to take my DC on a holiday - we have still plenty of memories of all sorts of stuff. I really think your priorities are wrong to pressure DH about a hol at that point.

He was not badgered it was a general conversation about why i liked doing things with the kids not just holidays by the way just them being out the house and doing fun things. He did not feel pressured or badgered as were not even looking at holidays at the time hence when the conversation about kids and holidays came up i mentioned it and mother in law understood wrong.

Oh my goodness how many times do i have to say that he was looked at and seen by specialist and its all under control and he is on medication and has been on it for 2 months already. Do people think the first he had a seizure we just left it? Ofcourse an ambulance was called at the time and the process started immediately to find out what the issue was. And i know kids can make memories anywhere but if i want to take them on holiday and i can afford it then i will. And it wasn’t just holidays people have run with that like i want to take my kids on holiday every month or something. It was just in general why i liked to do stuff with them including taking them on holiday that i can afford by the way and dh doesn’t need to stay in his job but i can’t force him to leave it. He has worked hard in his chosen career path over tje last 15 years including doing endless exams i can understand why he is reluctant to completely pack it in.

I think you are right in that i think i have fallen into telling her too much but then she does ask a lot of questions about dh as he isn’t really good at keeping her in the loop about anything.

She knows i have told him to take a less stressful job but he has refused but maybe she thought he refused because we need the money as she doesn’t know about our finances.

Can’t believe these replies. As if OP hasn’t already sought medical advice.
YANBU. A holiday might be just what he needs if the job is causing him stress. I’m sure he will know whether it stressed him out or not.

And i know kids can make memories anywhere but if i want to take them on holiday and i can afford it then i will.

The way you phrased it was rather bizarre though.

I would say, 'we are off to x this year on holiday-we are all really looking forward to a break from work and spending time together' rather than anything about the kids being left out at school if they don't have a holiday!

Did she actually say that you putting him under pressure was causing seizures, or did you make that link because you were feeling defensive?

I guess it depends on whether a holiday would help him relax, or make him more stressed. You could maybe be take the kids to do some exciting things without DH so they get the experiences without him feeling under pressure?

Lesson for you here OP and you're not alone.

Be mindful of what you share of your marriage with other people. Everyone has an opinion.

You shouldn't have said anything. It's none of their business but you made it their business. Sadly that is how it works when you share any information.

If you said it how you said it in your post about the kids needing memories and comparing them to their friends etc then I completely understand why she thought that and I agree with her.

How was the holiday idea presented? Who is paying for it? If you'd said, I've found an appt/villa in X for a week in August, we can easily afford it and I would love us all to go, then that clearly is not adding to the stress. However, if he is struggling with his MH as well as coming to terms with the seizures and sorting things out with HR (could he be deemed unfit to do his job?), then anything extra beyond getting through the week will add to his stress. Get him down the doctors, get him some therapy or ADs, and then ask him to book a week off work in the summer, which will be your treat - you book it, you pay for it, you do the packing and the paperwork and he just needs to come along. That would work nicely.

Lots of insane replies to the OP. The woman was talking to her husband about taking their children on holiday, some most families do. People who have seizures can go on holiday Wtf.

we don’t have separate finances everything is joined including savings. I already do all life admin anyway including booking his hospital appointments if there is a holiday pr anything i would have been the one to do everything for it. At home he literally has no stress apart from getting involved with the children and maybe making one meal a week. I do everything for him and the family. He comes home everyday to a nice home cooked meal and clean house children bathed and waiting for him to read a story this despite the fact i work 3 days a week. Mayb thats why the insinuation of me pressuring him or stressing him upsets me. But i want to stress that I don’t mind this and i also wouldn’t mind if he wanted to swap roles either and he worked part time and i did full time but he doesn’t want this even though i have suggested it and even gone as far as speaking with my hr about it

Has anyone actually talked to him properly about why he is feeling stressed?
You say financially things are good, and that he doesn't have to work if he wanted to give up. Is that part of the issue in that you do everything and he then lacks purpose? I think it's not just the seizures but actually what is triggering him to be so stressed right now that needs to be looked at (counselling maybe)

Just to also note the point about kids comparing what they did in the summer, lots of kids forget as it's such a long time and gone are the days of teacher asking each child as schools are aware that for many reasons the holidays are not always good and many children are not making wonderful memories.

MIL isn't right and neither are you. OP has said:

'Nobody ever said he needs to continue in his job. I have repeatedly said he needs to leave he has refused. What am i supposed to do ? Call his employer and resign for him ? And no i can fund myself and more than happy to and he knows that. Money isn’t the issue here so he can leave his job whenever he wants but refuses to and says he will move company instead'

OP has also said:

'He is getting proper treatment don’t you think that was the first priority? Do people think we would just watch him have a seizure and then go back to our day like nothing ever happened? Obviously now he is stable and has been seen by the specialist and being treated before anything else is even a thought'

Thank you for this reply. He says work is stressful at the minute since the company is under new management. Unrealistic targets and generally bad management but says in another company he will enjoy his job as he used to for years before thats why he doesn’t want to give it up and he was giving a good few months to see if things changed so hopefully he will try and move to another company soon. He doesn’t think stress is the cause of seizures he thinks they would have happened anyway but his mother believes it is stress because he once had them during his exam period when he was 16 and at the time stress was blamed. I personally think stress has probably contributed to an already existing problem rather than being the main cause.