Explain your bed / mattress set up to prevent waking each other up all night?

[NattyBeaker]

I'm turning in to a really bitter and angry person due to severe lack of sleep. Have a baby, who doesn't sleep great but when she does sleep through it doesn't matter anyway because dh moves and the whole bed shakes, or snores and wakes me up even if I've managed to drift off. We wake each other up so the feeling is mutual!
Have a king size bed frame and can't work out if I can just put two singles on it? Does the gap get annoying? Would zip link be better or will I still feel him move? Or just get a memory foam mattress? I had one before but didn't like how hot I got.
Since having a baby everything wakes me up.

I found the memory foam one too hot. We got a pocket sprung mattress, a fairly expensive one. And I don't get bounced around as he or the dog moves around at night. Well I do but that's because we really need a new bed frame...

I think he just thinks it's another way we'll get further apart. It's not been easy since having a baby.

Maybe if he's that bothered about the state of your relationship he could try listening to what you're saying and prioritising your health and well-being?

There is no reason separate bedrooms should have a negative effect on your relationship, many, many couples sleep apart very happily. There are lots of reasons why poor sleep and resentment on your part will have a negative effect though.

We have an expensive mattress and it doesn't move or make the other person move at all. You need a million pocket springs... well, the more the better. Then ours has a top layer of memory foam which I think is about 2 inches which also has some sort of 'cooling technology'. Best money I've ever spent.

Out mattress was really expensive and is pocket sprung, is yours maybe a super king? He weighs like double what i weigh so maybe that's it too. Even feeling the slightest bit movement is annoying me. I think I'm just such a light sleeper now since the baby.

We have a super king with two separate divans and mattresses which can be zipped together. So they could be moved completely apart if needed. My mattress is softer than DH’s. It is fantastic not being rolled into the middle by his heavier weight or shaken awake by him heaving about. We don’t zip them but have a full sized fitted sheet to cover both. Single duvets of different tog’s which is also a game changer as I overheat easily and he gets cold. No hanging onto the duvet for dear life as he wraps it around himself!
Watch out for the length of the mattress if you are switching to twin as some are longer. If you get a better mattress for the spare room you will also have a refuge. Tell your DH that this is actually an investment in your marriage. His contribution could be to resolve his snoring. Fortunately, I can use earplugs as I don’t need to listen out for a baby.

Or just insist that you get the veto tonight and you're sleeping elsewhere until he goes and gets his probable sleep apnoea sorted with the doctor.

Nothing is more important than sleep. Put DH in the spare room temporarily

You'll probably sleep better in the spare room even with the mattress you don't like than in the same bed as a snorer who moves the whole bed.

Decamp there till your DH comes up with an alternative that works for both of you. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture!

We've had separate rooms for years, on holidays we take earplugs, some hotels have a split mattress which helps with the movement and last year loved Switzerland where they provide 2 duvets as standard - elsewhere I sometimes end up just covering myself with a bathrobe.

OP, I was coerced in a similar way into sleeping in the same bed as my H. I basically was in sleep deficit for 33 years. between the heaving about, the snoring, the duvet rolling & his multiple trips to the loo, or to the kitchen for sodding bottled water. It makes a huge impact on energy levels, & I was constantly irritable & knackered.
I now have a handicapped H, as he didn't take care of his diet, weight & cholesterol & had a stroke, even though I had fought him daily to wear his CPAP machine, (which also hissed & woke me up when not worn correctly, ie. nightly.)
Initially I had small kids & couldn't wear ear plugs. then there was no spare room.
Now I do have my own room, it is simply Bliss. but I spent more than half of my life in a sleep deprived shroud.
You need to double down on how important it is to be healthy, rested & happy.

Separate rooms

I agree with separate rooms, there are ways to stay close even when you're not sharing a bed but chronic sleep deprivation is absolutely killer

If you do decide to get a new mattress we recently got a Tempur and I can't feel my DH moving at all (he's a big guy). That doesn't help snoring and getting up and down tho

Me Kingsize bed main bedroom, OH double bed spareroom. Highly recommend 😃

A king size frame won't fit two singles - that's superking size.

I second this! Best thing we ever did!

This!

We had a super king with separate single mattresses and separate duvets and even that wasn't enough to prevent DH from constantly disturbing my sleep.

In my experience you get what you pay for. Our previous mattress was £200 off Groupon, it was crap. We've just bought a 2800 pocket sprung mattress for £725 and it's much nicer. Actually got money off in the Black Friday sale, which brought the cost down to around £580.

I thought separate rooms was just for old people. Surely young people aren't advocating this? Slippery slope imo.

Slippery slope to where?

I am not young now but we have had our own beds since I was 33. Still happily married 2 kids and more than 20 years later.

Remember people on Mumsnet sleep in separate bedrooms and shower before sex

My husband snores and I am like the princess and the pea—every tiny noise or movement wakes me. We tried everything over the years—bigger bed, better mattress, then single mattresses and duvets on a superking. Now we are lucky enough to have separate rooms, and it's just brilliant.

My DH used to work shifts so either coming to bed around 1 pm or getting up around 4.30. When my son was a baby I used to sleep in the single bed in his room whist he was in the cot. Meant I could shut the door and not be disturbed by DH's comings and goings (and the twitching and the snoring). Twenty odd years later I am now back in DS's old room as he's now left home. The years in between had me spending more than a few desperate nights on the sofa. If we had had a spare room I would certainly have spent many nights sleeping in there.

American here. We have a king-sized bed with a Saatva mattress. It's an American company and the mattresses are made in the US. I don't know if they ship to where you are, but it's worth a look. Expensive but amazing, and dh and I don't wake each other up.

Essentially two singles pushed together but like a zip lock without the zip. We've had separate duvets since we met in our early twenties. I just cannot understand how people share a duvet. We had a king size then superking size until about 5 years ago when I decided we needed to go with a zip lock. Initially he wasn't keen but it makes no difference to anything other than the fact that we both sleep better. Only disadvantage is that when we go away I really cannot share a bed with him - everytime he moves it feels like I am being shaken awake.

Sleep deprivation kills marriages! He doesn't get to dictate whether you sleep in the same room as him or not. It's like marriage itself - either party can veto. You don't need his consent to sleep apart any more than you need his consent to split up entirely.

When our babies were at their worst points sleepwise, one of us had the baby in our room and the other had a few hours off in the spare room. We very quickly both learned to sleep through anything when we were the one in the spare room and trusting the other to handle it. It doesn't have to be forever (though I would recommend it) but it really helped us get through difficult times together. Your husband could think of it as supporting you to get enough sleep, because he loves you, rather than the rather more selfish "she must be with me, no matter the cost to herself".

Two single mattresses on one frame are a good idea but unless they come with earplugs you're still going to have a very disturbed night.

It's a slippery slope to a happy and lasting marriage for sure!

I desire my DH far more when I'm not subjected to his farting, snoring and duvet-hogging every night, and I know he feels the same plus I like to read in bed before sleep and he can't stand it.

It's a sign of a couple who can communicate effectively without taking offence or feeling abandoned!