Weaponised Incompetence

[LoveSandbanks]

Things have not been great between DH and myself for some time but I think the straw that broke the camels back was a load of laundry. We both work full time and, in my view, household chores are not split evenly. I do all the laundry, always have done. Wash, dry, fold and put away. If there's a load of laundry on the washing line and it starts to rain, NOBODY would think to bring it in.

On Friday, DH put a load of laundry on - a never event in itself - then I realised he'd put a load of laundry of his own stuff, not a single item of mine. When I brought it up with him, he doubled down (I fucking hate that) and we're barely speaking.

I've been out all day because I just can't face being at home with him. I've come home to find the load of laundry I left in the washing machine in the tumble drier. It was woollens! The man is almost 50 and so fucking thoughtless that he puts wool in the tumble drier. It's not like he's never seen my woollens drying on hangers or that they don't have a care label inside.

The fucking hours I've spent paring his socks and he puts a solitary wash load of his own shit on. He picked through my dirty laundry to get to it and just left it there!

Never, ever, put his laundry in again til he gets the message and apologises

I would be furious OP. Time to stop doing his laundry ever again I think. And not just threatening but actually following through.

Well at least it's his own stuff he's ruined. Do not fix this for him.

What on earth was his “reason” for washing just his things??

Weaponise it back. Do bits of his laundry but only a couple of easy T-shirts.

No it was MY woollens!

I've already told him I won't. I didn't even dry the shit that he left in the washer. I told him it was there for him to put in the tumble drier. Fuck THAT.

Good for you! He hasn't shrunk your woollens has he?

Time to go shopping for new woollens and he pays. My DH has tried to be helpful with the laundry and managed to shrink a couple of my items and give him his due he's always tried to replace them!

He was going away Friday evening to see a band. First of all it was stuff he needed for that, then he said it was a full load and there wasn't room for anything of mine, then it was the stuff he needed for the next working week (because clearly I don't need anything for the next working week!)

In the event, he'd put it on a long wash so it hadn't even finished the washing cycle before he left - safe in the knowledge that everything offspring related would be taken care of. Whereas when I go away I come back knowing that i'm going to have to start washing the kids laundry for the week ahead as soon as I get in.

There will be no chance of an apology - he will start telling my I'm overreacting soon. I've shut up for years, knowing that one day I'll reach my breaking point. I'm pretty sure it's here, I'm not really sure what he can do now. I don't even care if he thinks I'm unreasonable, actually I don't even care if he's heartbroken of the end of our marriage. I'm just filled with utter fucking rage.

Of course YANBU, but It sounds like a war of attrition might have started. (ie, a prolonged period of conflict during which each side seeks to gradually wear down the other by a series of small scale actions)

don't even care if he thinks I'm unreasonable, actually I don't even care if he's heartbroken of the end of our marriage. I'm just filled with utter fucking rage.

@LoveSandbanks

Is there a friend or family member you can stay with? Get a break?

I think it depends on the desired outcome. I'm not, not doing his laundry to win, I'm not doing his fucking laundry because I'm done. Whereas he wants to win. And I've told him time and time again that that is the way to ruin our marriage. He's going to win his final fucking battle and I hope it feels good for him.

Earlier in the week I nipped out to the supermarket, while he was in the bath (early evening). When I came back he was pissed off because I didn't ask him if he wanted anything. He was right, I didn't. I was tired and I just didn't think, so I owned it and apologised. I didn't double down or make excuses. I might have been able to move on if he'd said, "fuck, you're right I'm sorry" but no he just doubled down because it was imperative that he got his weeks worth of laundry done (which I'd have probably done at the weekend if he hadn't put it on on Friday)

YANBU there is often something minor that breaks the camels back and you sound like this is the end of the tether. Get him gone.

What's worse is, he will tell everyone you ended your marriage because of this one incident !
I have been married over 20 years and can count on two fingers the number of times DH has used any of the washing machines we have had over that time. He has slowly but surely ensured that all household tasks are now mine, he literally does nothing.
I feel your rage

This is not even about laundry, this is about the fact that he did not even think of what you might need or what might make your life easier. He only thought about himself and what he needed and gave you and your DC not a second thought. That’s the reason that this is fatal, because when it comes down to it, you ensure everyone is taken care of and he makes sure HE is taken care of 🙄

You know, I could forgive ruining my clothes, even my favourite things (assuming not deliberate). I couldn't forgive picking his own stuff out of the laundry basket to only wash that. That is the very definition of selfish.

He will, he will tell everyone that I threw away our marriage because he washed his own clothes. But I don't give a shit. Anyone that believes that has got no business being around me.

Maybe agree to both adult separately.. He can do his own cooking and washing and you do yours..
And your own washing up also..

My husband does wash his own work overalls without my stuff - only because they have tiny bits of metal in them, tiny little microscopic needle like bits,
Because he works in a metal shop.

He will do a wash of both our stuff, but he's not very good at taking out and hanging it up nicely- in fact everything gets really creased so I prefer to hang it up myself.

I do agree your husband was being selfish and I would have been incandescent with rage. If he had put my woolens in the tumble dryer. I agree that is weaponised incompetence.

Maybe agree to both adult separately.

Genuine question, but how does that work when there are children involved ? one gets to 'just' adult themselves and the other gets to do all other adult tasks related to themselves and the children ?

If he's got any woollens of his own I'd put them in a boil wash.

Well, maybe 😁

You know what, I bet you that the people who will believe you left because he washed his stuff once will be all blokes, and all the women will KNOW that it's been yeaaaaaars of him doing fuck all! Let that rage drive you out of this, you deserve better!

How would it work with rubbish and recycling ? separate bins for each adult ? Designated toilets/bathrooms ? their own stash of toilet rolls/coffee/tea/milk ? Maybe labeling items in the fridge ?

This!

@LoveSandbanks I am sorry. You are definitely NBU to have reached the end of the road here. Can you go away for a few days and stay somewhere else to just get a break, then decide what you’re going to do more long term?

Reminds me of this: https://matthewfray.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/

And this: english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/