Weaponised Incompetence

[LoveSandbanks]

Things have not been great between DH and myself for some time but I think the straw that broke the camels back was a load of laundry. We both work full time and, in my view, household chores are not split evenly. I do all the laundry, always have done. Wash, dry, fold and put away. If there's a load of laundry on the washing line and it starts to rain, NOBODY would think to bring it in.

On Friday, DH put a load of laundry on - a never event in itself - then I realised he'd put a load of laundry of his own stuff, not a single item of mine. When I brought it up with him, he doubled down (I fucking hate that) and we're barely speaking.

I've been out all day because I just can't face being at home with him. I've come home to find the load of laundry I left in the washing machine in the tumble drier. It was woollens! The man is almost 50 and so fucking thoughtless that he puts wool in the tumble drier. It's not like he's never seen my woollens drying on hangers or that they don't have a care label inside.

The fucking hours I've spent paring his socks and he puts a solitary wash load of his own shit on. He picked through my dirty laundry to get to it and just left it there!

then he coughs up to replace them

I find men inherently selfish, men compete even in small ways to benefit themselves and women are more likely to collaborate to get things done for the benefit of the whole household, men will invariably take advantage of that especially if they feel their needs aren't being met.

I would leave your husband also op, he sounds very selfish.

He’s now telling me that im being childish. He’s got absolutely no interest in finding out why I’m so upset or making such a big deal out of it.

I don’t understand how he thinks this would help. This is what pisses me off the most. Just bullying me into compliance. It’s not working.

My blood is boiling on your behalf OP

Grrrr, he is making me want to pour cold custard in his shoes and I've never even met him!

Take turns feeding /bathing /bedtime with dc. Then you both get some down time. Lock yourself in the bathroom while he sees to bedtime or go for a walk. He needs to manage them alone.

Fuck that OP.

I had similar for years. Doing his own laundry and leaving my stuff and the kids’. One day I got so fed up, I threw all his damp clothes off the airdrier into a pile and left them there. ‘Why are clothes on the floor in the landing?’ he whined. I told him why and didn’t do his laundry for nearly two months. Snickering when he ran out of pants and socks. Not my problem mate. I’m not your cleaner.

Over the last few months things got a busier for me. I went from 4 days to 5 days at work and lost that extra day to do house stuff. I found myself ironing school uniforms at ten at night, because who else is going to do it? So two weeks ago he wanted to watch some football match on telly on a weekday.I suggested he irons whilst watching because that’s how I watch telly right? I rarely just slob on the couch resting. He was surprised, but I took out the board and iron an set it all up for him. I patted his back ‘killing two birds with one stone’ and all that. I’m now calmly waiting for the next game he plans on watching.

A while ago I realised that when DH puts a load on it's only ever his things. Since then I haven't washed a single one of his things and haven't put any of his stuff away either.

He’s now telling me that im being childish.

What he is actually doing is projecting, he knows his behaviour has been less than adult like, so he is turning this onto you in the hope you back down and revert to previous behaviour, which includes doing what he wants.

I have never done my husband's laundry.

Many people are surprised when I say this. But I witnessed my mum being a slave to the laundry basket and when my dad used to whine 'where are my socks 'it made me feel ill that a grown man would be so pathetic.

I vowed I would never be responsible for a man's underwear.

Don't iron either.

Hope you're getting him to pay you £££ to spend on new woollens.

What always gets my goat is when they are so proud that they are “helping”; with an “I put a wash on for you!”. And expect a sticker! So, if it’s just for me, then none of your stuff is in there, none of our children’s stuff is in there, just mine? Thought so.

Why on earth would I want to be with someone who calls me childish? I don’t get it, why does he think this is the way to resolve something. It actually blows my mind that this is what he’d rather do than actually try and understand my point of view.

my answer to him telling me I’m childish was to tell him that I don’t care so he’s stropped off now the victim.

ffs, I’ve got no ducks in a row.

During lock down DH was on furlough, I was working 10-12 hour days as other employees were on furlough. I was also the only parent supervising 3 kids doing school work at home.

DH complained about how long it was taking me to do the laundry, get it ironed and back to him. Since then, he has done his own. He doesn’t get stains out. If he realises there is a stain, he will ask for help, but he still has to wash it.

It's not really about the laundry, it's about the disrespect and the disregarding of you as a partner. It's about the lack of appreciation. And unfortunately chances are he'll never 'get that'.

You say you have no ducks in a row. But you can get them in a row. Doesn't mean you have to actually leave. Just gives you mental leverage in your thought processes. It takes you from 'what would I do???' to 'I know what I would do!'

www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288

This has nothing to do with laundry at all.
Yanbu.

Is your stuff ruined op?

I get it's the wider picture too as pp have said