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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Weaponised Incompetence

67 replies

LoveSandbanks · 09/02/2025 19:00

Things have not been great between DH and myself for some time but I think the straw that broke the camels back was a load of laundry. We both work full time and, in my view, household chores are not split evenly. I do all the laundry, always have done. Wash, dry, fold and put away. If there's a load of laundry on the washing line and it starts to rain, NOBODY would think to bring it in.

On Friday, DH put a load of laundry on - a never event in itself - then I realised he'd put a load of laundry of his own stuff, not a single item of mine. When I brought it up with him, he doubled down (I fucking hate that) and we're barely speaking.

I've been out all day because I just can't face being at home with him. I've come home to find the load of laundry I left in the washing machine in the tumble drier. It was woollens! The man is almost 50 and so fucking thoughtless that he puts wool in the tumble drier. It's not like he's never seen my woollens drying on hangers or that they don't have a care label inside.

The fucking hours I've spent paring his socks and he puts a solitary wash load of his own shit on. He picked through my dirty laundry to get to it and just left it there!

OP posts:
WisePearlPoet · 09/02/2025 19:53

I've come to the conclusion that 95% of men are just shit. On the rare occasion DH ventures near the washing machine he throws black things in with white, the rationale being that black is apparently colourfast. The resulting dirty grey that emerges would suggest otherwise. He breaks something every single day but writes it off as an accident. It isn't, he's just a blundering fool. Hasn't cleaned a bathroom in years and wanders right through the house in muddy boots. It makes me murderous that men are still like this and do not see an issue..

Lozzq · 09/02/2025 19:55

How infuriating! His behaviour is also a little bit gaslighting making it out you are being unreasonable. I would die on this hill. My husband once fucked up my favourite cashmere jumper… he needs to buy you new woollens. As for the washing up his own things, that is the height of selfishness. Go on strike. See how he likes it.

Original poster
LoveSandbanks · 09/02/2025 19:58

Lmnop22 · 09/02/2025 19:35

This is not even about laundry, this is about the fact that he did not even think of what you might need or what might make your life easier. He only thought about himself and what he needed and gave you and your DC not a second thought. That’s the reason that this is fatal, because when it comes down to it, you ensure everyone is taken care of and he makes sure HE is taken care of 🙄

This is exactly the issue. All he ever does is put problems at my door. He never ever asks what would make my life easier. It’s always about what I can do for him.

OP posts:
failingrocks · 09/02/2025 20:03

WisePearlPoet · 09/02/2025 19:53

I've come to the conclusion that 95% of men are just shit. On the rare occasion DH ventures near the washing machine he throws black things in with white, the rationale being that black is apparently colourfast. The resulting dirty grey that emerges would suggest otherwise. He breaks something every single day but writes it off as an accident. It isn't, he's just a blundering fool. Hasn't cleaned a bathroom in years and wanders right through the house in muddy boots. It makes me murderous that men are still like this and do not see an issue..

95%

I’m so glad I’m not in the UK, because I don’t know anyone like this.

Weddingbells6 · 09/02/2025 20:06

failingrocks · 09/02/2025 20:03

95%

I’m so glad I’m not in the UK, because I don’t know anyone like this.

Show quote history

Where are you? Because I would go as far as saying 98% of men I have known / loved / lived with are useless and selfish including my own father who has since passed.

failingrocks · 09/02/2025 20:06

@WisePearlPoet Do you work too? How did you end up like this? Such a low bar, I do not get it..

Dymaxion · 09/02/2025 20:06

He never ever asks what would make my life easier. It’s always about what I can do for him.

Mine sometimes does the whole 'is there anything you need doing whilst you are at work and I am sitting here doing sweet FA' spiel , and in its own way is as annoying as not doing anything at all, because it puts the onus back on me, as though I am the only person who can think about or see what needs doing !
And then it needs to be something easy that won't cause him to feel overburdened !

failingrocks · 09/02/2025 20:08

Weddingbells6 · 09/02/2025 20:06

Where are you? Because I would go as far as saying 98% of men I have known / loved / lived with are useless and selfish including my own father who has since passed.

Show quote history

Scandinavia. There is no way anyone I know would have such a low bar. No way. My dad is 80 and he wouldn’t know what you were talking about.

bigboykitty · 09/02/2025 20:08

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 09/02/2025 19:01

Never, ever, put his laundry in again til he gets the message and apologises

This, but only the first 7 words

WisePearlPoet · 09/02/2025 20:10

failingrocks · 09/02/2025 20:06

@WisePearlPoet Do you work too? How did you end up like this? Such a low bar, I do not get it..

How did I end up like what?. We are both retired and apart from his domestic failings we are very happy and my bar is much higher than you seem to think. Not that I need to justify it

Original poster
LoveSandbanks · 09/02/2025 20:12

failingrocks · 09/02/2025 20:06

@WisePearlPoet Do you work too? How did you end up like this? Such a low bar, I do not get it..

He wasn’t always like this. He used to be so kind. As he gets older he gets grumpier and, frankly, more selfish. We have 3 children with special needs so I didn’t work for years so, naturally I took on the lions share then. But now I also work full time.

OP posts:
NewHeaven · 09/02/2025 20:12

Do nothing for him again, no cooking, washing, cleaning or sex until he changes his selfish ways.

Oodlesandoodlesofnoodles · 09/02/2025 20:12

Time to go on strike.

Dymaxion · 09/02/2025 20:15

@failingrocks if you happen to know of any nice single Scandinavian men, I think they could be easily matched up with some nice put upon British women Grin

Dymaxion · 09/02/2025 20:17

I don't mind the cold, just saying Wink

failingrocks · 09/02/2025 20:18

LoveSandbanks · 09/02/2025 20:12

He wasn’t always like this. He used to be so kind. As he gets older he gets grumpier and, frankly, more selfish. We have 3 children with special needs so I didn’t work for years so, naturally I took on the lions share then. But now I also work full time.

Show quote history

It sounds like a hard life. Wake him up to your reality, whatever it takes. Before you give up, at least.

TimeForTeaAndG · 09/02/2025 20:19

LoveSandbanks · 09/02/2025 19:08

No it was MY woollens!

Show quote history

Oh, apologies I misread!

Well, he replaces each and every item then and not from house money!

failingrocks · 09/02/2025 20:24

WisePearlPoet · 09/02/2025 20:10

How did I end up like what?. We are both retired and apart from his domestic failings we are very happy and my bar is much higher than you seem to think. Not that I need to justify it

Show quote history

No, no need. If this is the way you want to live, and you think 95% of all men are like this then it’s your little bubble and I will not burst it. Your choice. I couldn’t imagine having a partner like yours, most people couldn’t. Good luck.

WisePearlPoet · Today 19:53

I've come to the conclusion that 95% of men are just shit. On the rare occasion DH ventures near the washing machine he throws black things in with white, the rationale being that black is apparently colourfast. The resulting dirty grey that emerges would suggest otherwise. He breaks something every single day but writes it off as an accident. It isn't, he's just a blundering fool. Hasn't cleaned a bathroom in years and wanders right through the house in muddy boots. It makes me murderous that men are still like this and do not see an issue..

Laszlomydarling · 09/02/2025 20:24

If you tell him how you feel this is the end of your marriage, do you think it might be the wake up call he needs and maybe he will change his ways? Or would you even want to keep trying? Does he do anything housework related at all?

user2848502016 · 09/02/2025 20:24

Yeah it's annoying

BUT if he never does laundry would he know about woollens in the dryer?
Maybe he genuinely didn't know, and was trying to be helpful after you were annoyed about him just washing his own stuff?

How are the rest of the household tasks split? Because tbh DH hardly ever does laundry, just occasional loads of his own stuff after he's been running. And sometimes he will do weird stuff like use washing machine cleaning tabs instead of detergent....

But other stuff is pretty evenly split, and he always does the bins and recycling and mows the lawn.
So I don't really mind about doing all the laundry.

failingrocks · 09/02/2025 20:33

user2848502016 · 09/02/2025 20:24

Yeah it's annoying

BUT if he never does laundry would he know about woollens in the dryer?
Maybe he genuinely didn't know, and was trying to be helpful after you were annoyed about him just washing his own stuff?

How are the rest of the household tasks split? Because tbh DH hardly ever does laundry, just occasional loads of his own stuff after he's been running. And sometimes he will do weird stuff like use washing machine cleaning tabs instead of detergent....

But other stuff is pretty evenly split, and he always does the bins and recycling and mows the lawn.
So I don't really mind about doing all the laundry.

He takes out the bins and mows the lawn (for 3-4 months). Yeah, equality! What grown adult does not know the difference between dishwasher tablets or detergent!?

Dontlletmedownbruce · 09/02/2025 20:41

YANBU but you need to sit down and really drill it in that your marriage is genuinely at risk over this stuff. Draw up a rota if necessary. Go on strike for a while. It sounds like there is a lot of stress in your home already and he just isn't thinking about you. Maybe make a list of things you do and things he does for a visual aid. Like a selfish teenager he may genuinely not realise what is being done in the background all the time.

ThriveIn2025 · 09/02/2025 20:42

I also think that once you’ve been together with someone for years and years resentment builds and annoyance grows and it doesn’t take much for you to think they are an absolute arsehole.

The doing his own washing would really piss me off. Just so selfish. My DH’s favourite trick is to put the washing on and then go to work knowing I’m the only one home. Same with the dishwasher. Now I just ignore it. Stuff sits there until he sorts it. If he asks me why I didn’t do it, I just say I was too busy.

Downing tools is effective in my experience.

Dymaxion · 09/02/2025 20:46

BUT if he never does laundry would he know about woollens in the dryer?
Maybe he genuinely didn't know, and was trying to be helpful after you were annoyed about him just washing his own stuff?

Or maybe he was being a Dick and did it on purpose ? we will probably never know because adults with bollocks are allowed to be hopeless at routine Adult tasks, until some nice female tells them how to do it, or does it for them, which lets be honest, is what they actually want to happen.

ARichtGoodDram · 09/02/2025 20:51

He will, he will tell everyone that I threw away our marriage because he washed his own clothes. But I don't give a shit. Anyone that believes that has got no business being around me.

He will say that, but you know what @LoveSandbanks people will see right through it.

In the same way every person (especially women) that my ex tells me "She ditched me because I put the ketchup in the fridge" knows instantly that a one off thing does not end a relationship unless it is the thing that snaps the straw that has been bending due to many many many other moments