To think it’s not that easy to leave a marriage

[Mbluebird]

I have seen a few threads along the lines of, “DH didn’t make me tea when I was feeling poorly,” and there are a handful of posters that come out with, “he doesn’t respect you. If it was me, I would leave.”

I don’t think people understand just how financially difficult is it to leave a DH/DW. Unless you’re mid 50s with the mortgage paid off and a fat final salary pension, it’s too difficult to leave an unhappy marriage. Most people I know, wouldn’t have the financial means to rent or start over.

Which is why I always say to young women their financial independence is the most important thing they should focus on in early adulthood.

But there is always a choice.

I had to be really poor for several years to leave but I did leave.

Your example is daft and unhelpful to your argument.

Of course it’s easier to type LTB than it is to break up a marriage and a family, split finances, move house. But sometimes it’s right to do it anyway and the thing that prompted someone to post turns out to be the tip of a bad iceberg.

That's a gross exaggeration of how threads on bad DH behaviour go and I don't think we should be minimising the disrespectful behaviour of some of the men mentioned.

Sometimes it starts off with him "not making tea" and then it turns out he's not lifted a finger with the kids for a decade and fucks off to football 4 times a week.

Completely agree. Even if your mortgage was paid off, someone would still be the worse off as they have to buy the other out. Happened to my colleague only recently. He's got his new, much younger girlfriend and all this money. While she's blindsided and now, instead of retiring in the next 5 years as planned, is having to continue to work to pay for all this.

...but you are right, it is really hard to leave a marriage, especially when you have children. Took me 15 years. But so well worth it.

But are people not allowed to share their own experience?

It was easy for me to leave my marriage. It hasn't affected us financially nor has it effected my children negatively.

Am I not allowed to respond?

I think if people have a shit husband problem they a want to talk about it might be helpful to include in the op 'I know I should leave but I unfortunately can't because I have no money' then people could respond accordingly.

YABU. Firstly because your example is ridiculous. Nobody ever, ever says LTB over a cup of tea. Secondly because a poster saying someone should LTB because of their partner's behaviour does not necessarily mean that the poster thinks it will be easy or immediate. It's basically a comment meaning 'the behaviour you are posting about (which often proves to be the tip of the iceberg) is definitely worth leaving your partner over', not 'Why the hell haven't you packed a bag already and just walked out - surely it's simple?!'.

Took me 20 years to leave my revolting 'DH', during which time I waited for my kids to grow up while also training for a profession so that I could be self-sufficient. No it is not easy, but it is often a complete necessity to spilt up.

By the way, I really enjoyed my kids when they were children, so it is not like I resented them but it meant leaving my DH was complicated for a good few years.

Also, the tone is often difficult to read online. For example 'why haven't you left?' Is often asked as a neutral question inviting the op to respond 'because he's actually wonderful all the time except today.' But the op reads it as ''WHY on Earth haven't you left yet you idiot. I absolutely would have ltb straight away.'

Also, I agree with other posters, it is never just about he didn't make me a cup of tea.

I mean yes sometimes the LTB posts can be a bit extreme but I have read so many threads on MN where they really should leave. It is difficult when you have little to no financial means. When I left I was only able to because my mum had a spare sofa, otherwise I really literally had nowhere else to go (we weren't in physical danger but because of his drinking it was no longer tolerable to stay with young children).

It's not easy, but it's often not insurmountable. Very difficult if you don't have access to finances or any support, but still doable, it really depends on how much you want/need to leave and what sacrifices you are prepared to make. We have a very good benefits system which can support women leaving. I had a very few lan years relying on the state and my family, but 7 years down the line I'm in a much better position, and far happier than I would've been if I'd stayed.

So no, it's not easy, but if it's necessary then it's definitely doable, in most circumstances

It really depends on how desperate you are to leave. I left with two kids, a bag of clothes and very little money to support us. We went into temporary accommodation miles from home, I made it work and we were taken seriously by some very kind people at the council who housed us in our forever home 4 months later. That was two years ago.. I'm sitting here now in my dressing gown sipping coffee in my lovely home completely renovated by me from a shell..! Everything bought/built by me. I left because I was left no choice, years of coercive control and fed up of his endless lies and affairs. I left behind a detached cottage the chocolate box kind on a farm.. it's now derelict with him in it and he's is welcome to keep the fucking lot. Life lessons come in the most beautiful ways.

It isn't easy at all. If you are on a low income, older , renting it is very difficult finance wise. Which is why getting your ducks in a row is a saying . It is all very well saying that you'd be better off living in a hovel than staying but it really and truly isn't. Unless there is DV women are better off trying to stay in the family home . And it takes time to sort out the money , CM and visitation.

No matter how stable your relationship is now women should always have some of their own savings , best paying job you enjoy and never give up your financial independence.
Nobody thinks they will have to leave their marriage but unfortunately as we see so many times here on MN partners can change and make separating the best option.

Generally speaking no, it's not easy.

But it's one of the reasons why women are told not to sacrifice their careers and their income. There are multiple threads a week on here from women who have gone part-time or become SAHM's and who are now utterly fucked financially because they're totally reliant on their partner for even the most basic needs.

Always keep your independence and always have a "fuck off" fund.

Of course it's hard to leave. It's not the easy option, but having your own freedom is priceless.

I will probably struggle financially for a long time, but I appreciate every small thing I have and my life is so much better now.
I work hard to provide a good life for my daughter and I'm a different person to the one I was when I left 10 years ago.

Sometimes though what you think is going to be horrendous isn't. I didn't leave for years and years in a really unhappy marriage precisely because I thought I'd be so much worse off, couldn't cope etc. In the end he left me for someone else. I never would have left. As it turned out, yes it was hard for a while, my self and my daughter lived with my mum and dad for 3 months then lived in a flat for a year while the money was sorted. Turned out to be the happiest time of my life, gaining freedom and independence. I worked which made it easier and I would always always advocate that now, keep some means to fend for yourself. If you were to say to my past self if you split up you'll move back in with your mum and dad and live in a rented flat, I would have thought that was awful. It wasn't! It was uplifting, amazing, and i now have my own house with a garden, independence and I want to tell my story to others. My only regret is I didn't do it myself years ago.

On the threads where women are asked if they regret leaving, there is one oft repeated response 'I only regret not leaving sooner.'
So on the unhappy relationship threads, responders see themselves in the op, and the ltb response is one of overwhelming encouragement and support that the op can do it. Like the responder wishes they'd done sooner.

Ps I always say i now have a house ' with a garden' because it was the one thing my daughter and I missed in our flat, and when we moved in to our house we danced around the garden with our dog singing 'our house. In the middle of our street' which is something my exhusband would have thought was embarrassing!

One of the many reasons why women (as it usually is women) need to retain financial independence. No one said splitting up was easy - I agree it’s not - but if you have a job and money coming in it’s defo easier.

This is why (young) women need to be financially independent, so they're not trapped with someone who doesn't give a fuck about them apart from having a cook and cleaner around.

We also see on here situations where the ex gets 50/50 custody and kids are stuck with an appalling parent (and new 'step mum' who resents their existence) for half of the time. I know someone who lost custody of her daughter to her awful ex who alleged parental alienation in the family courts. Losing my DC is my worst nightmare.

I would never become financially dependent in the first place. Have always prioritized having options.

Were they married?

I left 3 years ago. Well he left. I was skint for ages and I earnt most money. I had to buy him out. I worked 7 days per week for 1 year to enable my salary to be higher to buy him out I did wfh though I was knackered I really was. But it was worth it. It's not easy at all. Everything falls to me main thing is insure everything ensure you have home emergency with 0 excess as part of home insurance and good family.