To think it’s not that easy to leave a marriage

[Mbluebird]

I have seen a few threads along the lines of, “DH didn’t make me tea when I was feeling poorly,” and there are a handful of posters that come out with, “he doesn’t respect you. If it was me, I would leave.”

I don’t think people understand just how financially difficult is it to leave a DH/DW. Unless you’re mid 50s with the mortgage paid off and a fat final salary pension, it’s too difficult to leave an unhappy marriage. Most people I know, wouldn’t have the financial means to rent or start over.

It’s hard to leave a marriage. I did after nearly 30 years, my kids were both married, and I’ve never been happier.

But, it shouldn’t be underestimated how much stress and financial chaos it involves. And, never listen to LTB advice on the net - just listen to what your mind is telling you.😉

Stay with the abusive arsehole for financial security or leave and be worse off financially.

Personally I chose losing alot of money to dump the abusive arsehole.

I’m sorry but it is absolutely NOT a gross exaggeration. There are constant LTB comments for the most innocuous of situations all the time.

I had a feeling you were going to mention money and yes you are absolutely right. What do you do if you’re alone even with a job and a few grand in a ‘running away’ fund? Go in a houseshare with randoms spending £500 a month in rent (average price in my northern city?). It won’t be any easier with kids.

I have seen a lot of threads from women who don’t want to leave because they enjoy the lifestyle their DHs money gives them.

It’s not that they wouldn’t be able to leave, they would just need to budget more which many people aren’t willing to do.

As someone who lives alone on a low income, I will never understand this way of thinking, as I would rather be happy than have a wealthy lifestyle.

I think it’s so important to be financially independent.
No one should ever rely on another adult.

That being said I think some MNers jump to LTB too quickly sometimes.
They forget that this is someone’s life who needs to think about housing and childcare etc.

It has never been harder to have a decent quality of life on one income unless you have low or no mortgage / rent costs.

There are constant LTB comments for the most innocuous of situations all the time.

There really really aren't. And I feel very sorry for what kind or relationship anyone who thinks this is in. Every single time, it really isn't hard to read between the lines when you see an awful snapshot of someone's life.

I think the definition of "decent quality of life" has inflated astronomically n recent years.

I see more threads where I think the poster is minimising the problems.

I agree to an extent, but the prospect of paying half or more of your monthly take home on rent and utility bills for a one bedroom flat isn’t an attractive one for many in difficult relationships where there’s two incomes coming in.

Honestly, as someone just going through divorce in their 40s. I wish id never got married. It never made an ounce of difference to me. We both worked full time, similar wages. Both have pensions etc. we both kept separate money/wages. Its just a ball ache to ask permission from the judge/system to get divorced. Its a load of bollocks

what i would say is to anyone- be self sufficient and always stay that way. Plan for the unexpected

Sorry, no, it's very easy tomleave a marriage and relationship.

Open door, walk through door. Done.

Staying because of money is mortgaging your happiness and limited life on earth. No thank you.

Unless there's violence / abuse etc. no one should stay in an unhappy life / marriage.
I'd rather be on my arse and broke as fucknthat tolerate shit from some cunt.

This is why my financial independence is important to me. Admittedly I have no children so it's somewhat easier but I do feel for those trapped in awful relationships for financial reasons (and let's face it, with this economy I expect the statistics are quite high).

Of course it's hard to leave but leaving an abusive, toxic , unhappy marriage is always the best decision . Am here sitting in my home peacefully without the anxieties I used to experience in my marriage. Freedom is happiness. It may take longer . I have a daughter and I always advise her to work hard in life to ensure she has financial independence in the future .

I like my dh but I do think it would be hard to leave if I wanted to.

Dh and are are financially dependent on each other I think. Mumsnet seems full of people in couples whose essential bills could all come from either person so each person is independent. But we seem to need both our salaries.

The cost of housing is so high round here .A one bed flat is 1400 a month to rent. we are trapped in this locality due to an ehcp and a very unusual school.

I have multiple friends in their 50s who don’t leave as it would be too difficult. Financially I mean. They’re holding on and putting up with it to get their husbands pension. It’s awful. They had the audacity to want to look after their own children, and their careers took a hit. It’s harder the older you have kids too; they had onlys in late 30s/40s. They are utterly miserable but finances stop them living better lives.

Yes. For 30+ years.

I have seen a few threads along the lines of, “DH didn’t make me tea when I was feeling poorly,” and there are a handful of posters that come out with, “he doesn’t respect you. If it was me, I would leave.”

No, you didn’t. Why concoct such a daft, exaggerated example straight out the gate to bolster an otherwise valid point? It completely undermines what you’re trying to say.

It won't change unless people break the cycle and stop having a child with unsuitable partners then ignore the signs and keep on having them, and showing the next generation of children how harmful the situation is so they go on to do the same, and the next generation and so on

All it shows children is how to stay trapped when they are older

Like everything else on Mumsnet, I think it’s all dependent on circumstances. Taking just the financial situation into consideration:

If you’re a low earner who is partnered to a low earner, then it might seem more straightforward to leave as state support will kick in to support you and your children.

If you are a medium to high earner then the situation is similar, as you can make a lifestyle adjustment but will be ok.

If you are a low earner partnered to a high earner then not only do you face the largest adjustment but it is quite likely that your STBexH will use their substantial resources to make your life very difficult during the process.

It is not always possible to ‘earn more’ as many sectors are badly paid and, once you get past a certain age, your chances of switching to a higher paying job begin to dwindle.

In many parts of the country there is very little availability of rented accommodation.

Even ‘going back to your parents’ is lucky in some ways as many women do not have living or local parents.

Posters like to surge onto relationship threads and say ‘money or lifestyle doesn’t matter’ but I think it must do, or why does everyone ordinarily work towards financial security for themselves and their children? A decision to leave a long term relationship is fundamentally a huge blow to financial security, as generally all assets then need to be split into two.

It’s a difficult situation and I do understand why many women may choose to wait until their children are fully grown before leaving.

Edited to add: I forgot to say that I don’t think MN posters often take into account the impact at different ages. Becoming single in your thirties (when you are young, pretty and the chances of finding a new partner are high) is likely to be quite a different prospect to becoming single in your later forties or fifties. The dating threads are eye-opening to read!

Sorry but that's also a sweeping generalisation. Not everyone who has an unhappy marriage has children and people change. This has been argued out frequently on here but it is absolutely true that a spouse can be genuinely great and a good fit and then the experience of parenting completely changes the dynamic. None of us have a crystal ball. I know several women who were in years long relationships before having children with good solid guys but 3-5 years later were on their own because domestic life was dull, hard, the focus had changed.
It is hard of course, but as a pp said, I never see a thread on here where someone regrets it.

And how many threads on here do people post about the endless redflags before they have children but still go on to have them

OK buying the fact a man is a perfect saint with no red flags at all before a child is born does not explain the 1 or 2+ more that are born

And no not all partnerships have children

But when they do the cycle continues to the next generation going by the adults on here telling stories of their own parents and their children have very similar lives

This is so true.

Why people aren't more discriminating in their choice of their offspring's other parent is beyond me.

So tired of the social consequences of random reproduction. Animals do a better job than half the humans out there.

Well dine @icantgetnosheep1 you're amazing 👏👏👏

I guess you do it when you're ready ☺️