To think it’s not that easy to leave a marriage

[Mbluebird]

I have seen a few threads along the lines of, “DH didn’t make me tea when I was feeling poorly,” and there are a handful of posters that come out with, “he doesn’t respect you. If it was me, I would leave.”

I don’t think people understand just how financially difficult is it to leave a DH/DW. Unless you’re mid 50s with the mortgage paid off and a fat final salary pension, it’s too difficult to leave an unhappy marriage. Most people I know, wouldn’t have the financial means to rent or start over.

You make quite sweeping generalisations OP. It's also very difficult to leave a marriage in mid 50s or older. It's not always just about finances, there are other pressures.

YANBU OP and it’s something I think about from time to time.

I’ve been married for 12 years (together for 14) and up until two years ago I worked full time and all was good.

However, I have a chronic, and serious health condition, which after 15 years of lying dormant came back 5 years ago and it’s turned my life upside down. I kept pushing on with work, knowing the damage it was doing to my health, but after ending upon a hospital bed 2 years ago my Consultant told me that if had to really consider what I was doing to myself and that I was putting myself at serious risk by continuing to work. I knew she was right and I gave up my job.

I retrained and do something much less demanding now and my health is so much better for it, but I only earn about £400 a month and nor is it a guarantee income. I also get £300 a month in benefits due to my health.

I’m very lucky that my DH earns enough to keep us going but I know I’m financially dependent on him. I have full access to the money and he always tells me that it’s “our money” but I know technically it isn’t.

I know that if he suddenly turned into arsehole and I found myself in a situation where I should LTB, it would be impossible to do it on what little money I earn.

So many threads start with "he won't make me tea" and then you unpick it and it's actually years of emotional abuse/ coercive control/ financial abuse. The posters often have 2 or 3 kids and are often pregnant. So very hard to leave but obviously people are going to tell them to get out of this awful situation.

Yep I know of two couples of my parents generation, so 60s and 70s, where there has been years of emotional abuse and they still haven't left.

Threads often start like that, and worse behaviour is revealed as the thread goes on. In that example, most posters would ask what the DH was like in other aspects of the marriage and if the apparently unsympathetic behaviour when OP was ill wasn't just a one-off, that's when the LTB comments would start appearing.

The OP of this thread has missed out some intermediate steps between 'he didn't make me a cup of tea' and 'LTB' but I get her point.

Your example is nonsense. In over 12 years on this board I have literally never seen anyone suggest someone leave a marriage because her partner didn't make tea.

The entire point about LTB is that everyone knows it's bloody hard to leave a marriage. That's exactly why sometimes the "permission" from peers is very liberating. Women are socially conditioned to think they can never leave a marriage so having people tell them it's OK is incredibly powerful. No one ever left a good marriage or even a moderately OK marriage because they were told to LTB.

But as PPs have said, it bears reiterating that women should not get themselves into this position in the first place. No one, with the exception of people who are chronically ill or disabled, should ever get themselves into a position where they rely on a man for all their money. It's economic suicide. If people reading Mumsnet take one thing away it should be this.

Saying any woman left her DH because he didn't make her tea is usually the Exdh's line_ he talks about the last straw that broke the marriage as if it were the sole reason. The woman knows it's the working full time but still being expected to do the childcare/housework/while he does nothing at home that came before the tea that did it

I don't think anyone has ever suggested it's easy. It's really hard, even when you have a good support network, but for those who don't it's near impossible. Yes there's the financial side but there's the emotional side too - my ex used to tell me that I needed him and that I couldn't possibly live on my own without him. Another friend's husband told her that she wouldn't get custody of the kids because she didn't earn enough to support them. There are far too many examples to list. Was leaving hard? Yes. But did I regret it - not for a second. But everyone is different.

@Mbluebird OP just wanted to check - if there's a reason you posted this, if you need help or support and you are in a difficult situation that you don't know how to get out of - just be aware that there is always a way out. There is a way to be happy again. Lots of stories here prove that.

If not and this is all hypothetical then of course that's ok too.

I kicked my husband out when I was 34. Financially I may never recover, I was lucky enough to be able to buy him out but I had to get a better job and my kids spend more time in childcare as a result. But you're wrong to say it's impossible for everyone.

You got lucky. I know people in my area still in temporary accommodation e.g. travel lodges, having been put there years earlier. The waitlist for a council place round here is 10+ years. It's all well and good saying move areas, but when children are at crucial stages of their education, moving them would be detrimental to that. I can understand why many are very stuck.

I am sorry you are in this position, but glad you have a good dh. I know of several in similar boats, though not in happy marriages, so when I hear people say on here oh, it's not easy but it's always possible, I have to think they have absolutely no clue. Sure, they may have done it, and it's been hard, but they will have had better options than some people who genuinely are absolutely stuck.

Absolutely my top advice to my children is to never be in a relationship they can't easily financially get out of. financial independence is essential. Sad but true.

Currently in this predicament

Married nearly 35 years. Husband had a stroke 3 years ago. Since then it's been awful. Gave up my job to care for him. Get carers allowance but that's a pittance
Since his stroke he's been aggressive, threatening, emotionally abusive. Not all the time and sometimes still has days where he's his old self
Attacked me last week for the first time. Not badly but pushed me over in temper and I called police
Police arrested him but didn't charge as he said he had no recollection. As soon as he came home, laughed at me and told me to get out.
I have nowhere to go. No money. I'm Fucked.
He's stonewalled me since he was released. And I'm stuck.

Do you own your house @RogerTaylorsdrumstool ? You absolutely should not be putting up with that.

@Checkhov

No we rent from a HA.
Joint tenancy though. Spoke to them this week and they basically said they couldn't help as they have thousands on waiting list.
So, I guess it's try to squirrel money away bit by bit until hopefully I can leave

And I'm still being completely stonewalled by him.