To not want to move baby to his own room yet?

[GingerBaby568]

Had a row with DH early this morning. Baby is 6 months. I am exclusively breastfeeding. Baby wakes 2x night for a feed (3x on a bad night). My bed is next to his crib. I get up, I feed, baby and I go back to sleep. Except after the 4am feed, I find it exceptionally hard to go back to sleep if baby gets up 4am. I don't mind it too much though as I do get just enough sleep to function well before that.

I feel like the move would make my life 100x harder. If I have to get up to a different room to feed, it will wake me up fully and won't be able to doze back off after the 1am feed. Plus baby will likely wake up fully by the time I hear him cry and get to him so he will take a while to settle back down. Which again, fucks me over.

DH has been sleeping in the spare bedroom (which has an ensuite and a king size bed with an expensive mattress, he's not exactly slumming it). But he wants back to our bed. He thinks baby will sleep better without me in the room.

I'd love a cuddle with my DH and for baby to sleep through at night. And a sense of normalcy.

But I feel the risk is huge for me. Until a month ago, baby was waking up every 2 hours, I have only just regained some sanity.

Do I just suck up the sleeplessness for DH's sake and very slim chance baby will sleep through? Any experiences anyone can share? I don't have any friends with babies sadly so the Internet is my only source of information.

@Mulledjuice but my baby is a lot younger and 1) always wakes up once before 3am and 2) DH dealing with him is not an option, I would be dealing with him.

At 11 months, a baby can be night weaned so either parent can go in to comfort him. At 6 months, we're just not quite there yet.

We probably will in a month or so but do I not deserve some sleep in the meantime?

It's nice for you that you are such a good sleeper that you can just change beds in the middle of the night. I'm not. And I don't think that's unusual.

No, but you can be angry at your DH for his lack of consideration. I would, in your place. Tell him if he wants to share a bed he can come and deal with baby being there. He doesn't even have to do anything ! He's getting undisturbed sleep, the only proper response from him is to say thank you and can I get you anything.

Where I come from, adults (parents, partners, husband and wife) came first, children right afterwards (if not sick etc).
I'm sure it's not like that now, but as a PP said,
I would try it.
Here I am, and whole generation of "babies" like myself.
😊

@MsPavlichenko I see, thank you. I did suggest he comes into our bedroom but he thinks WE (I) are waking baby up. His whole theory is that baby will sleep through the night in his own room. So my question is - is that realistic and worth the risk?

@Nothatgingerpirate it's adult vs adult here. I'm not questioning what's best for baby. I'm asking does my DH's wish to come back to the bedroom trump my wish to get a bit more sleep?

I mean, yes it's possible - I slept better when the kids were in their own room and so did they. But what infuriates me is that the person who's NOT having to wake up is having opinions on this. You're doing it, you get to decide when baby goes into their room. Tell him if he's that keen on baby going to their room he can bottle feed them during the night while you sleep.

Why don’t you give it a try for a week or so?

I would say no, not yet. You would definitely get less sleep, and in my opinion your DB will sleep better with you in the room for at least the next few months. Others will disagree I am sure!

Do what's best for you. My girl is 8 months and we still share a room. My partner also sleeps in the spare single bed.

I have the exact same logic as you, in that having to trek across the landing to feed baby will make me wide awake, as I'm a restless and sensitive sleeper as it is. I've personally got no intention of moving her until she no longer wants a night feed.

Can you move the crib into the room you would share with dh? We had baby in with us while she woke in the night to feed. We moved at her 1 yr ish, she suddenly started sleeping much better! I stopped feeding her at 14 months (hfmd... she rejected the boob and that was that 😢)

Your arrangement is fine. You wake when baby wakes and you feed him and both go back to sleep (unless it's 4 am). Why would anyone want to disrupt this dyad?
DH can come back to bed. He's not the one feeding the baby and he won't be the one traipsing around in the night to feed baby if you put it in another room, either. He is being unreasonable (and very lucky to have a spare room and an en suite to hide in all night).
You could suggest that if baby goes in own room DH is the one to go and fetch him to you in the middle of the night. This suggestion should stop him whingeing, I think.

My DCs were born in mid/late 1990s. Safety advice back then was to lie babies on their back to sleep, no cot bumpers, make sure they don't overheat and don't cosleep.
We put ours (both EBF) into their own room at a month old. Eldest slept right through the night at 7 weeks and the younger at 9 weeks. We had a double bed in their room which I used when feeding.
The elder DC only ever woke up during the night if ill, but the younger one would have a disturbed night maybe about once a month.

Oh, in that case, I don't think your husband's wish trumps yours in your situation!

I didn't move DD into her own room until she was only waking once a night for a feed. I initially tried around 8 months and she was still waking 2/3 times a night and it was hellish for all the reasons you describe. After a few nights she came back and I moved her again around 10 months. Her sleep did improve after we moved her at that age, and she began to sleep through occasionally, and then regularly by 12 months.

My DH is a heavy sleeper so just stayed in our bed the whole time so I didn't have your particular problem but if I did, I'd be telling him that he can either come back to the marital bed and deal with disturbed sleep, or he can stay where he is.

It's not forever, and you and your DC are the ones that will be negatively impacted by a move. This is not a time for him to be selfish!

Lol. I'm not a good sleeper at all. I'm permanently exhausted. And in my first reply to you (the 2nd reply of the thread) I told you that I didn't do this till 11 months. At 6 months my baby was waking at least as often as yours and I was cosleeping. My partner was unfortunately elsewhere for a couple of months so I was doing it solo.

Some women's husbands take them for a couple of hours in the morning so mum can lie in. I never managed that, once it was mornjng I was awake and that was that. But I did manage to get a bit more sleep if I went to bed earlier from time to time, as baby would typically do his longest stretch when he first went down. So sometimes I'd also go to bed at 7.30/8pm. Not every night but sometimes.

I don't have a solution for your baby's father being like (what sounds like) bit of an arse, sorry. I would prioritise what works for you and the baby and not feel /take any guilt about him being in the spare room. I wouldn't be wanting to shag him with his attitude anyway.

Probably not what you want to hear but just to give an alternative point of view...

Both my two went in their own rooms from 3-4 months and were sleeping through by 6-8 months - both breastfed but on 3 meals a day by 6 months.

As I say, this was 15 years ago so not what people seem to do these days but none of my friends were still up for multiple night wakings after 6-8 months and it worked for us!

@Pottedpalm that's what DH says too. But I have only just recovered from waking every 1-2 hours from when the baby was 10 weeks until he was 5 months. I finally have some energy to go for a walk or do a tiny bit of exercise. I'm feeling like a person again.

I'm terrified (yes, terrified) of going back to severe sleep deprivation. If I have to go to a different room to feed at 1am, I just know I won't be able to back to sleep fast enough to get decent sleep before the 4am feed as well.

I have to go back to work in 6 weeks. I would like to have a sliver of rest and sanity and enjoyment with my baby before I go back.

I kept my babies in with me until I stopped feeding them. No way would I be getting up and traipsing around in the middle of the night! My DH slept in our bed too, sometimes he would wake up when baby did and ask me if I wanted a drink but often he didn't wake at all. Your DH has chosen to remove himself to another room so he is not disturbed by his own child waking up (!) I would probably tell him to stay in there!

Do what gets you and baby most sleep. A move suits some but not others. I had to bottle feed my tongue tied boy and he still didn't go in own room as he was and is a terrible sleeper, my husband and I do night on night off with him with the other in the spare room...for 18 months! Yes we would love to sleep in the same bed again, but not for a few hours at a time and one person getting up and down and in and out. Your husbands lucky he doesn't have to do the night feeds and should be happy with his sleep even if it is on a spare bed.

It's impossible to know without trying. Baby may be woken by a parent snoring, coughing or turning in the night. Or may not be able to wake and resettle quietly if they realise they are alone.

That’s what I did, totally fine. Baby also started waking less when she was in her own room. Midwife said it helps if they can’t smell the milk 🤷🏻‍♀️
Mine woke at 4am for a feed and then I fell back asleep with her in spare room.

Do what works for you. We didn’t put our son in his own room until 7/8 months and I think I was actually disturbing him and making him wake up so he slept better in his own quiet room!

No, why would it? How is this even a question. Everyone knows that sleep is what's lacking for parents of babies, sleep is the priority.
And like you've said, he's getting his eight hours quite nicely.
He shouldn't even be putting you in this position!

@Mulledjuice that's DH's argument too.

But if it goes badly, I'm the one that will not be able to recover as I'll keep doing the night wakings. I don't have the luxury of trying and then getting an 8 hour sleep to recover the next night. He gets to do that, not me

But you are enabling him to think his sleep shouldn't be disrupted. He has a baby too. I don't understand this concept of men's sleep not being disturbed at all when they have a baby. Yes if he has a long working hours he should be getting enough sleep on those nights. But weekends night wakings should be more shared even if you're breastfeeding. I don't know how we got to this generation of men who expect to be getting their full 8 hours when they have a baby. You should all sleep together in one room at the weekends.