New partner and sleeping issues - AIBU or are they being selfish?

[Horlicks21]

I’ve been with my new partner for around 6 months - 3 of them exclusively/officially.

New partner suffers from night terrors from a previous experience (DV based but don’t want to be too outing). They often thrash around, cry out, cry when they finally wake up and takes a long time to settle back down afterwards.

At first, I was really sympathetic about it when they stayed over and it happened, would sit up with them afterwards and make sure they were okay etc. It disrupts my own sleep quite a lot especially because I have a chronic illness which causes a lot of fatigue and the demands of an SEN child from day to day, so even one night of bad sleep can really set me back. I’ve explained to them about all of this, and they keep saying they know they need to seek help about it but then never do.

Am I just being a cow over it and not being sympathetic enough or are they being selfish by not getting any help when it’s disruptive to me aswell (I know it has been to previous partners too because they’ve stated how previous partners used to get really annoyed about it).

I’m not saying they are making it up - because they seem genuinely distressed when it happens - but I’ve ignored it a couple of times (because once I’m fully awake I can’t go back to sleep, and I’ve been exhausted those couple of times I’ve just let them sort themselves out instead) and I’ve noticed that once they realise I’m not getting up to help, it seems to magically stop and not get any worse?

Does anyone have any experience with this or can offer some advice?

TIA! X

Are you out of your mind taking this on?

Beyond selfish to disturb your sleep.
Words mean nothing.
Actions count.
Their actions are selfish.

Why would you tolerate this when you have health issues yourself?
Most people wouldn't dream of allowing their sleep to be impacted by this, without health issues.
Yet you persist?

Are you vulnerable?
Because you must be to tolerate this.

No more sleep overs.
Your health is too precious.
Find your self worth and behave like you value it.

Best of luck.

I'd stop all sleep overs until they seek help.

If they genuinely want to move forward they'll get the help they need.

so you think they are making it up / exaggerating ? If you really believe this you need to get rid - it’s Manipulative

otherwise sleep overs stop until
they sort themselves out . You cant function without good sleep

Totally agree with this.
You've only been with this person such a short period. Don't be in the same position years down the line...

I’m not sure… I didn’t at first… but the last time they stayed over a couple of days ago, they started doing the thrashing around and crying out and as bad as it sounds, I ignored it. I’ve been utterly burnt out recently and I just couldn’t respond to it so I pretended I was still asleep, and I could feel them kind of looking over for me to see if I was awake, and then they stopped and was magically fine - they wasn’t distressed like they normally are or anything, like it never just stops like that which kind of made me feel like they was seeing if I was going to react/offer them comfort/make a fuss of them sort of thing?

I wouldn't let them stay over at all and if that meant the end of the relationship, so be it. They seem manipulative and taking absolutely no notice of your own needs.

Honestly If there's already problems this soon I'd cut and run. The fact that you have doubts that these night terrors are real is a red flag in itself. I'm not saying you're wrong to suspect, in fact, if you have doubts listen to them.

Either they're night terrors are real. In which case do you really want to take this on given your illness and SEN child. I mean you've enough on your plate without taking on someone else's problems which are already having a negative effect on your life.

Or, they are making them up for attention. In which case this person has serious mental health problems. Run like the wind.

I used to get awful night terrors, I was told there was nothing that could be done. They just stopped in time, when children came along etc, I'm not sure what triggered them or what stopped them, but they were horrific and very dramatic.

I'm sure they were horrible for now DH to experience, but it genuinely was t something I or anyone else could control.

So your options are limited I guess if theirs are anything like mine...no sleepovers maybe?

What on earth are you doing? Just throw this one back

And you're doing that slightly tiresome 'they' thing so this is a woman is it? Not that it makes much difference but I'd be stopping sleepovers

She's manipulating you and you're allowing it

So they are unhinged and manipulative too?

You must be out of your mind.

Dump asap.

I would say therefore that this person is a drama queen and because you didn’t respond in your usual way, they stopped! My dh used to have night terrors, not as dramatic as you describe your dp having but terrifying. He has stopped now, hasn’t had them for years but he’d be horrified to disturb me.

Stop the sleepovers and maybe stop the relationship completely. My dad kicks out in his sleep and snores really bad, yet my mum puts up with it and hardly sleeps because it would be weird to not sleep in the same bed as her husband, I don't feel sorry for her at all as she is putting up with it and not making any changes.

My brother has suffered from night terrors his whole life. They can be debilitating to him and you'd be a lunatic to make it up.

You can stop seeing your boyfriend for whatever reason you choose if it's not working for you, but please don't think he's being selfish or choosing this.

There is a lot that can be done for PTSD, but the sufferer has to want to get better. It doesn't sound as if your partner cares enough about you to get out of their comfort zone and do the work of getting better. That would be a deal-breaker for me.

I don’t think your boyfriend is faking the night terrors or trying to manipulate you, but he may be using them as a way of asking for comfort.

Either way, there are some mental health problems that he needs to focus on, for himself not for you. People who need to work on their mental health are unlikely to be motivated to do it for anyone else - like losing weight or giving up alcohol. It has to be something you want to do for yourself.

Sleep separately until they get help.

they started doing the thrashing around and crying out .... I could feel them kind of looking over for me to see if I was awake, and then they stopped and was magically fine

What the actual fk?

This is psychotic behaviour. I'd dump them immediately. Don't look back.

OP, I suffer from night terrors. And I’ll be very honest here: I am not entirely convinced that your partner is actually having them. Of course, I might be totally wrong, but generally, someone who has had a night terror doesn’t actually remember much/anything about it afterwards and they don’t typically actually need to be consoled or calmed down, for that reason. Sometimes they hallucinate and ‘see’ something in the room or on the bed (for me it’s always a figure standing in the room or a spider on the bed). Usually, that hallucination and is the only thing the person remembers. A night terror isn’t the same as a nightmare, which is a vividly awful dream but which is highly unlikely to be accompanied by thrashing around (Hollywood always gets this wrong). They usually during the first two or three hours of sleep and are mostly brief.

Are your partner’s eyes closed when they have these episodes? Typically people experiencing night terrors will have their eyes open throughout.

People (like me!) who have night terrors can’t help having them. But they shouldn’t be needing to be consoled and fussed over afterwards because night terrors aren’t really like that. When I have them I generally leap out of bed or lash out and maybe scream. Then I think ‘Christ, that was weird’ and go back to sleep.

Couldn't cope with that. In my.relationships i have always retired to the spare room when I have started snoring as didn't want to disturb partner. Your boyfriend does not have to seek help if he doesn't want to but in this situation I would not have sleepovers.

Obviously they can’t help what has happened this them, and deserve love as much as anyone etc

But equally you deserve a good night’s sleep!

I would just say without any judgment that you can’t sleep together in the same room anymore until they’ve had some help and have got past this. You can still have a very full relationship without sleeping together (in the literal sense) , and active sex life etc

They or you just have to go home at the end of the night.

Sorry hadn’t fully read this til after I posted. If you think this might be the case, I’d end the relationship.

You don't need this stress, either finish it or no sleepovers... ever or u till they've actually sought help and found something that works.

You have a child and you’re inviting someone you’ve known for 6 months to sleep over? Have I got that right?
And they may be mentally unwell?

Thank you for everyone’s comments so far - there’s definitely some really interesting points that I’ll take onboard and have a think about, especially from people that have similar issues with their sleeping.

I’ve really been analysing their other behaviours since that night and I think someone mentioned in their comments about being a bit of a drama queen? And even if these episodes are legitimate and in that case, really awful for them, I’m starting to think that being a bit of a drama queen is true. For example, if my (very small 8kg) dog jumps up on them, they’ll start saying “ow, ow” and there’s been a couple of times where my glasses have caught their face, say during a kiss, they’ll proper throw their head back and start holding their nose etc, and that’s been irritating me quite a lot to the point where I’ve said “oh come off it, that can’t have even hurt” sort of thing - but I’m only now piecing it all together.

(P.S. we are both part of the LGBTQ community hence the they/them pronouns)

They only sleep over when my child isn’t here, of course!