Page 3 | New partner and sleeping issues - AIBU or are they being selfish?

Horlicks21 · 2025-02-08T13:56:00+00:00

I’ve been with my new partner for around 6 months - 3 of them exclusively/officially. New partner suffers from night terrors from a previous experience (DV based but don’t want to be too outing). They often thrash around, cry out, cry when they finally wake up and takes a long time to settle back down afterwards. At first, I was really sympathetic about it when they stayed over and it happened, would sit up with them afterwards and make sure they were okay etc. It disrupts my own sleep quite a lot especially because I have a chronic illness which causes a lot of fatigue and the demands of an SEN child from day to day, so even one night of bad sleep can really set me back. I’ve explained to them about all of this, and they keep saying they know they need to seek help about it but then never do. Am I just being a cow over it and not being sympathetic enough or are they being selfish by not getting any help when it’s disruptive to me aswell (I know it has been to previous partners too because they’ve stated how previous partners used to get really annoyed about it). I’m not saying they are making it up - because they seem genuinely distressed when it happens - but I’ve ignored it a couple of times (because once I’m fully awake I can’t go back to sleep, and I’ve been exhausted those couple of times I’ve just let them sort themselves out instead) and I’ve noticed that once they realise I’m not getting up to help, it seems to magically stop and not get any worse? Does anyone have any experience with this or can offer some advice? TIA! X

ThatAgileGoldMoose · 10/02/2025 00:44

Even if it is genuine (and it sounds like there's reasonable doubt), you having chronic health problems and an SEN child are the factors that are most important to me. Restful sleep absolutely needs to be a priority for you to be able to function. Absolutely stop sleepovers, your rest is the biggest priority.

JudgeBread · 10/02/2025 00:44

ItGhoul · 08/02/2025 15:39

OP, I suffer from night terrors. And I’ll be very honest here: I am not entirely convinced that your partner is actually having them. Of course, I might be totally wrong, but generally, someone who has had a night terror doesn’t actually remember much/anything about it afterwards and they don’t typically actually need to be consoled or calmed down, for that reason. Sometimes they hallucinate and ‘see’ something in the room or on the bed (for me it’s always a figure standing in the room or a spider on the bed). Usually, that hallucination and is the only thing the person remembers. A night terror isn’t the same as a nightmare, which is a vividly awful dream but which is highly unlikely to be accompanied by thrashing around (Hollywood always gets this wrong). They usually during the first two or three hours of sleep and are mostly brief.

Are your partner’s eyes closed when they have these episodes? Typically people experiencing night terrors will have their eyes open throughout.

People (like me!) who have night terrors can’t help having them. But they shouldn’t be needing to be consoled and fussed over afterwards because night terrors aren’t really like that. When I have them I generally leap out of bed or lash out and maybe scream. Then I think ‘Christ, that was weird’ and go back to sleep.

I was going to say basically this. I've suffered from trauma based night terrors related to PTSD since teenagerhood, far less frequent as an adult mercifully but they still happen. Obviously my experience isn't universal, but if my husband tried to comfort me in the throes of one he'd risk losing an eye, and afterwards I tend to just flump back in bed and go back to sleep with little memory of what just happened. I'd probably get all annoyed at my husband for keeping me awake if he tried to sit with me and comfort me (bless his endlessly patient heart). I certainly wouldn't be peering over to check he'd noticed I was having one.

Not necessarily saying they're faking entirely but it does sound a bit performative, alongside the theatrics over minor things like a dog jumping on them or a glasses prod. They sound hard work at best and potentially really in need of psychiatric help at worst. Either way not an ideal partner when you also have a child to consider!

RoastDinnerSmellsNice · 10/02/2025 00:55

From your follow up about the dog and the glasses incidents, I think you know in your own mind that this is not going to work out OP, so in your shoes I'd put an end to it sooner rather than later, as no one wants to waste their time and emotions on someone who is showing signs of being manipulative, and a drama llama.

Snorlaxo · 10/02/2025 01:06

I have a son who has night terrors and there isn’t a cure for it.

However based on your updates, I’m not so sure that these are Night Terrors. When my son has one, he doesn’t have a clue who I am so can’t be consoled in the same way if he was having a nightmare. He doesn’t remember having them the next day either and is always surprised when I bring it up. I check on him so he doesn’t hurt himself. He’s an adult but I worry that he could potentially do something like fall down the stairs.

Onlyhereforthebatshitneighbours · 10/02/2025 01:32

Dump him.

they started doing the thrashing around and crying out .... I could feel them kind of looking over for me to see if I was awake, and then they stopped and was magically fine

Weird as fuck & pathetic behaviour. As is the overreacting you mention in your other posts.

Fwiw I've experienced both night terrors and intense nightmares (the latter of which cause me to scream out loud 🤦🏻‍♀️) .

Poppins2016 · 10/02/2025 01:43

Trust your instincts. Your partner sounds manipulative/attention seeking (whether they consciously intend to be or not...) and it all sounds very demanding and stressful in what's supposed to be the easiest (honeymoon) phase of your relationship... I'd reevaluate.

StrikeAlways · 10/02/2025 01:47

OpenFox · 08/02/2025 14:02

I'd stop all sleep overs until they seek help.

If they genuinely want to move forward they'll get the help they need.

This 👆 the obvious answer is don’t do any ‘sleeping over’. Each of you go home to your own beds/homes at the end of the evenings. It’s not essential to stay over at each others homes, or to move in together. There are even some married couples who keep their own homes. Your new girlfriend/boyfriend can change things for the future if they decide to address their problem in the future.

oakleaffy · 10/02/2025 01:49

@Horlicks21 He oughtn't be sleeping at your house.
It's not fair on you or your child.

With the DV...when men say they suffer from DV I am wondering if it's 50% or one and 50% of the other..he might be violent to you, too.

🚩

oakleaffy · 10/02/2025 01:52

StrikeAlways · 10/02/2025 01:47

This 👆 the obvious answer is don’t do any ‘sleeping over’. Each of you go home to your own beds/homes at the end of the evenings. It’s not essential to stay over at each others homes, or to move in together. There are even some married couples who keep their own homes. Your new girlfriend/boyfriend can change things for the future if they decide to address their problem in the future.

Show quote history

The happiest married couples we knew/know live in their separate houses.

GiddyRobin · 10/02/2025 01:54

DH and I both get night terrors/nightmares. Mine I've had for yonks, DH is from PTSD from a near fatal accident. Neither of us try to wake the other. If I can see him struggling, of course I help and vice versa. But it is never like this. We try to not disturb each other if it happens, we both know a bad night's sleep is going to be rough. Neither of us would inflict that on the other.

I get sleep paralysis, and I've taught myself how to get out of it. I then get up, go downstairs, and make a cuppa. DH has flashback style nightmares so he wakes up and goes to sit by the window for a bit. Quietly.

What your partner is doing isn't this. They sound really selfish.

oakleaffy · 10/02/2025 01:54

Onlyhereforthebatshitneighbours · 10/02/2025 01:32

Dump him.

they started doing the thrashing around and crying out .... I could feel them kind of looking over for me to see if I was awake, and then they stopped and was magically fine

Weird as fuck & pathetic behaviour. As is the overreacting you mention in your other posts.

Fwiw I've experienced both night terrors and intense nightmares (the latter of which cause me to scream out loud 🤦🏻‍♀️) .

A sibling {younger} has suffered intense intermittent might terrors since a toddler, usually when there is stress in his life.

However... as an adult, he doesn't act like this!
I think @Horlicks21 's ''night terror'' man is playing up for attention...

oakleaffy · 10/02/2025 02:00

Snorlaxo · 10/02/2025 01:06

I have a son who has night terrors and there isn’t a cure for it.

However based on your updates, I’m not so sure that these are Night Terrors. When my son has one, he doesn’t have a clue who I am so can’t be consoled in the same way if he was having a nightmare. He doesn’t remember having them the next day either and is always surprised when I bring it up. I check on him so he doesn’t hurt himself. He’s an adult but I worry that he could potentially do something like fall down the stairs.

My brother when he had them as a child literally wouldn't recognise mum and dad, or me or his other brother.
It was like he was caught in a bad trip.

Now he's an adult, if stressed, he sleep walks but doesn't hurt anyone or disturb his partner.

I asked him what he could see, as a child, and he said in the midst of a night terror, it was like as if mum and dad were monsters.
It sounded really scary.

GiddyRobin · 10/02/2025 02:05

oakleaffy · 10/02/2025 02:00

My brother when he had them as a child literally wouldn't recognise mum and dad, or me or his other brother.
It was like he was caught in a bad trip.

Now he's an adult, if stressed, he sleep walks but doesn't hurt anyone or disturb his partner.

I asked him what he could see, as a child, and he said in the midst of a night terror, it was like as if mum and dad were monsters.
It sounded really scary.

Show quote history

Yes, this is how I had it as a child too. It's now descended into sleep paralysis for me, which is scary but it's easier thankfully as I can choose to keep eyes closed (blocking out at least the images) and work on "waking".

Genuinely is petrifying. I definitely agree that OP's partner is playing it up! I stopped screaming and crying when I was in my teens, probably before actually. I knew I couldn't be doing that to other people!

Monty27 · 10/02/2025 02:06

@Horlicks21 you need help and get him gone.
Unbelievable.

PyongyangKipperbang · 10/02/2025 02:12

Its all about her, always will be because even when it isnt, she will make sure that it is.

Throw this one back.

FrauPaige · 10/02/2025 02:23

Doesn't sound like night terrors to me. DD has both experienced night terrors and sleepwalking. Her eyes are open, we guide her back to bed if she has gone walkies, or simply have minimal interaction if she has cried out due to a night terror. She then falls asleep straight away without assistance. If asked in the morning how she slept, the answer will always be a blissfully unaware "Fine thanks!"

This is way too early in a relationship for issues like this. Plenty more women out there. Exit stage left on this manipulator. Your health and the well-being of your child come first.

oakleaffy · 10/02/2025 02:29

@Horlicks21 Sorry for assuming your partner was a male {I know men can suffer DV of course}

But your partner definitely sounds like a drama king or queen and if they fuss over a little 8kg dog...or your glasses...
My own dog is 11 kg and doesn't hurt s 8kg is nothing.

It's not like a Wolfhound leaping up, is it.

You can probably find an easier partner.

oakleaffy · 10/02/2025 02:31

Monty27 · 10/02/2025 02:06

@Horlicks21 you need help and get him gone.
Unbelievable.

I assumed a he, but OP says she. {It's so easy to assume heterosexual relationships on here- I'm just as guilty of this assumption.}

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 10/02/2025 03:12

oakleaffy · 10/02/2025 02:31

I assumed a he, but OP says she. {It's so easy to assume heterosexual relationships on here- I'm just as guilty of this assumption.}

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No, OP said 'they'.

RawBloomers · 10/02/2025 03:14

Americano75 · 08/02/2025 15:54

Oh, please throw this one back. They sound the worst kind of tedious twat.

After your update, OP, ^^ This.

They’re manipulative and immature. How can you find them attractive? Just dump them and free up your life to find someone who treats you well and doesn’t try to play you.

Thepossibility · 10/02/2025 03:20

They sound like a dramatic attention seeking dickhead. Dump.

Iloveburgerswaymorethanishould · 10/02/2025 03:22

ItGhoul · 08/02/2025 15:39

OP, I suffer from night terrors. And I’ll be very honest here: I am not entirely convinced that your partner is actually having them. Of course, I might be totally wrong, but generally, someone who has had a night terror doesn’t actually remember much/anything about it afterwards and they don’t typically actually need to be consoled or calmed down, for that reason. Sometimes they hallucinate and ‘see’ something in the room or on the bed (for me it’s always a figure standing in the room or a spider on the bed). Usually, that hallucination and is the only thing the person remembers. A night terror isn’t the same as a nightmare, which is a vividly awful dream but which is highly unlikely to be accompanied by thrashing around (Hollywood always gets this wrong). They usually during the first two or three hours of sleep and are mostly brief.

Are your partner’s eyes closed when they have these episodes? Typically people experiencing night terrors will have their eyes open throughout.

People (like me!) who have night terrors can’t help having them. But they shouldn’t be needing to be consoled and fussed over afterwards because night terrors aren’t really like that. When I have them I generally leap out of bed or lash out and maybe scream. Then I think ‘Christ, that was weird’ and go back to sleep.

This, exactly this. I am someone also with a chronic health condition that gives me fatigue (SLE), has a SEN child and also suffers night terrors/lucid dreams. When I experience them I am literally screaming my head off during it…. Trying to wake my partner for help… but I’m paralysed… so nothing is coming out at all….. I vaguely remember it afterwards and defo don’t need comforting. My partner also has them and my 5 year old has had them. Even my 5 year old didn’t need comforting/settling after one. He’d literally be shouting at me with his eyes wide open but looking straight through me like I was a sheet of glass.Id just lay him back down and leave the room. No recollection of it afterwards. It is quite disturbing your “partner” could be making this up. Have you explained to them the importance of undisturbed sleep? Do they understand your health condition? I feel awful suggesting it but I’m wondering if they are doing this to either grind you down to make sure you are exhausted the day after, therefore vulnerable. Or to shift some attention onto them to make them the vulnerable one. Either way you must know your sleep is precious!! Stop sleepovers and prioritise you’re own health. You can’t pour from an empty cup!!! All the best.

Quiinkong · 10/02/2025 03:33

Horlicks21 · 08/02/2025 14:13

I’m not sure… I didn’t at first… but the last time they stayed over a couple of days ago, they started doing the thrashing around and crying out and as bad as it sounds, I ignored it. I’ve been utterly burnt out recently and I just couldn’t respond to it so I pretended I was still asleep, and I could feel them kind of looking over for me to see if I was awake, and then they stopped and was magically fine - they wasn’t distressed like they normally are or anything, like it never just stops like that which kind of made me feel like they was seeing if I was going to react/offer them comfort/make a fuss of them sort of thing?

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You need to be careful. I hope it's not a case of "i really wanna get help but i just don't have the money to do so, I'm sick of this as well, if only i had the money" expecting you to then offer them the money "I'll pay you back, don't worry" "i need more sessions, they said i need to travel to heal but i just don't have the funds"