New partner and sleeping issues - AIBU or are they being selfish?

[Horlicks21]

I’ve been with my new partner for around 6 months - 3 of them exclusively/officially.

New partner suffers from night terrors from a previous experience (DV based but don’t want to be too outing). They often thrash around, cry out, cry when they finally wake up and takes a long time to settle back down afterwards.

At first, I was really sympathetic about it when they stayed over and it happened, would sit up with them afterwards and make sure they were okay etc. It disrupts my own sleep quite a lot especially because I have a chronic illness which causes a lot of fatigue and the demands of an SEN child from day to day, so even one night of bad sleep can really set me back. I’ve explained to them about all of this, and they keep saying they know they need to seek help about it but then never do.

Am I just being a cow over it and not being sympathetic enough or are they being selfish by not getting any help when it’s disruptive to me aswell (I know it has been to previous partners too because they’ve stated how previous partners used to get really annoyed about it).

I’m not saying they are making it up - because they seem genuinely distressed when it happens - but I’ve ignored it a couple of times (because once I’m fully awake I can’t go back to sleep, and I’ve been exhausted those couple of times I’ve just let them sort themselves out instead) and I’ve noticed that once they realise I’m not getting up to help, it seems to magically stop and not get any worse?

Does anyone have any experience with this or can offer some advice?

TIA! X

This is a longer version of what i wanted to say but yeah... this.

I would just break up. Its been a few months and this issue plus his shitty attitude would be a hard no from me.

Oh, please throw this one back. They sound the worst kind of tedious twat.

I have CPTSD and night terrors. I had treatment for it early last year and they have hugely reduced.

I don't think I thrash about that much at all but sometimes I have hit out and kicked my partner, as in my dream I have been defending myself from my ex husband whose DV caused the CPTSD. I probably did that 2 or 3 times. My behaviour was more screaming and shouting and getting involved in full scale arguments. From what I am told the arguments go between coherence and nonsensical. I usually wake myself up doing it and immediately apologise. If I have gone to hit or kick I have immediately woken up.

I hardly do it at all now. Any of it. The therapy and just being happier, less stressed and in a settled relationship I would say have all contributed to that.

I've described what I understand my behaviour is like to perhaps help you figure out if your partner is actually putting it all on or if it is real, though I suppose everyone might be different.

They sound pathetic, no one needs that kind of mess around, they'll be the type to be jealous of a child op.

Oh god no. No way would I be dealing with this (I have complex health and a sen child too). They elsewhere permanently sleep elsewhere or off they pop.

I meant I couldn't be bothered with the drama. But if you want to stay with them, get some wax earugs, go on about how effective they are, and then ignore all the night time nonsense. You'll soon see if it stops x

Good grief, they sound like hard work. I can’t bear that sort of fuss and drama. Get rid.

Is your new partner a toddler? Because this sort of reminds me of my 2 year old. Although she’s less dramatic than what you’re describing.

They just sound incredibly dramatic and annoying. I would just get rid and live your life in peace.

I had an ex for 3 years who had night terrors and prob had them less than 10 times during this time

some of them were seeing things in the corner of the room (bit disturbing at first) some of them were running out of the bedroom. All resulted in him falling back to sleep within 2 mins with me looking at the corner of the room or freezing in bed with no duvet

i know every one is different but this does seem like attention seeking with all the comfort needed after an event

They sound like an enormous twat, dishonest and manipulative and I would be very wary, particularly as you have a child.

That type of character is not what you want around a child.

To be blunt, I would never get involved with someone like that. Especially if they refused to seek help.

Being that anyone can start getting night terrors at any stage in their life even after never experiencing them before I wonder what's going to happen to the people on this thread if they suddenly develop them. Their DPs of course will be following their own advice and throwing them all back and dumping them after all

From what you’ve said about them stopping when you didn’t react, it sounds like they are looking for someone to be a parent to them. Far too much work… especially when you have a real-life DC to look after.

Well if the night terrors are diminished by you not being attentive, then don’t react as you could find they go away altogether on their iwn

They sound mentally ill imho l am afraid .
I don't think you can afford to continue this relationship, given your own chronic illness and the needs of your SEN child tbh OP.

I would stop the relationship from what you've said with the dog and glasses example- they seem like a dramatic pain in the arse. If you want to continue, I'd be banning any sleepovers y til they e sorted themselves out with the night issues. Their trauma does not trump your illnesses.

Run for the hills

So either it’s genuine and they refuse to get any help or it’s fake. Neither one is good. Throw this one back.

He sounds extremely selfish!

It's one thing to deal with legitimate illness in a long-term loved one, with whom one shares family and history.

It's quite another to take on a near-stranger's issues, especially if they are
a manipulative creeper. No thanks!

First post nails it!

This.

They sound like a manipulative arse.

This is a new relationship- it should be your honeymoon period!! It shouldn't be this much hard work.

If you're willing to overlook the wider drama llama tendencies, then their reaction to you saying I think we'll put sleepovers on ice for a while will tell you a lot. If they accept it graciously then fine. If they kick off or suddenly start with "oh well I actually think it's been getting much better lately" then you'll know you're dealing with a manipulator who was either putting it on or is genuine but doesn't care about the impact its having on you. Either way, not someone you want around.

I have night terrors - I usually scream myself awake, then fall asleep almost instantly. They are more frightening for my DP than me, and tend to happen when I am really stressed with work. I can have it two or three times in a week, then not for six months.

My DP snores, so I figure we are even. I’m not sure I would cope well with either in a new relationship.