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Original poster

Husband thinks spending time with kids is caregiving

62 replies

Justlivelovelaugheat · 07/02/2025 19:58

I am seriously considering a divorce. I’m a SAHM and when I say I do everything involving the kids I’m not exaggerating. My DH has only ever changed our 1 year old like twice (never a soiled nappy), I do the cooking, very rarely does he do the cleaning but he definitely keeps score when he does, which leads me to to today. We were having a conversation about women deserving 50/50 in a marriage. As he owns a business, he is the sole financial provider in our family but I am do 99% of the caregiving. Well somehow he believes he does more than me because and I quote “he has to work and look after the kids?” Seeing as I’ve not had a day off in 3 years and his never cooked a single meal nor done any laundry, I was baffled to how he worked that one out. And he, again word for word, said “he HELPS out with the kids all the time. He was playing with them earlier for 5 minutes and had to strap them into their car seat.” Like what? Are these not just tasks fathers do? In my opinion he should be doing more. If I wasn’t looking after the kids while he worked we would be spending loads on childcare. I don’t think he understands that interacting with your kids is not helping out the mom. I hate comments like that.

OP posts:
JustWantsSomeSleep · 07/02/2025 20:08

TL;DR husband is a waste of space

It’s a shame you didn’t realise before having children. You’ve every right to feel angry and to expect him to step up.

SouthLondonMum22 · 07/02/2025 20:17

Yep. Divorce him.

To be fair, I would've divorced him the minute I realised that he believed he was above changing nappies.

I2amonlyhereforTheBeer · 07/02/2025 20:23

Well, you're right. He 'helps out'? Really?? You're his family. Surely it's not about helping out but being committed to his family, bearing his share of responsibility and being present. Helping out is what you might do for a neighbour or friend or local community group. Is helping out more like checking out?

Loveumagenta · 07/02/2025 20:26

I’d go now while you still have energy…

Boardingschoolmumoftwo · 07/02/2025 20:40

I am a SAHM and my husband has a very demanding career and outside of his meetings etc he is doing 50% of the housework and the childcare, as he should be while our children are not school aged. I am working all day taking care of the kids just as he is working all day in his paid role and outside of these hours we are equal parents, your husbands a dick

Cherrysoup · 07/02/2025 20:42

I’d be reminding him that he’s a parent and that you are not his fucking maid/nanny.

2025willbemytime · 07/02/2025 20:43

JustWantsSomeSleep · 07/02/2025 20:08

TL;DR husband is a waste of space

It’s a shame you didn’t realise before having children. You’ve every right to feel angry and to expect him to step up.

Edited

How was she supposed to know he would be a shit dad before they had kids?

TwentyTwentyFive · 07/02/2025 20:45

JustWantsSomeSleep · 07/02/2025 20:08

TL;DR husband is a waste of space

It’s a shame you didn’t realise before having children. You’ve every right to feel angry and to expect him to step up.

Edited

This sums it up.

Honestly I couldn't be with someone who was so shit with the children and I would leave. He's not bringing anything to the table that you'd miss.

cadburyegg · 07/02/2025 20:46

Boardingschoolmumoftwo · 07/02/2025 20:40

I am a SAHM and my husband has a very demanding career and outside of his meetings etc he is doing 50% of the housework and the childcare, as he should be while our children are not school aged. I am working all day taking care of the kids just as he is working all day in his paid role and outside of these hours we are equal parents, your husbands a dick

Nails it.

As soon as he gets home he should be doing 50%.

3WildOnes · 07/02/2025 20:48

He's never changed a soiled nappy? Have you never gone out for a coffee or to the gym or for dinner or drinks with your friends and left him home alone with the kids?? A bath? A lie in?

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 07/02/2025 20:49

I remember going to a funeral 20 odd years ago, when I got back my dp and I had a disagreement his mother piped up that I should be grateful he "babysat". Yes!! they were his own children😂
can't believe attitudes like this response still a thing .

Strictlymad · 07/02/2025 20:49

I think we should make a line between household chores and caring for the kids. Yes if one parent stays at home their ‘job’ is to do the lions share of the laundry/cooking/shopping etc during the day (that does not mean the dh can leave dirty socks on the floor dishes on the side etc) but caring for the kids when both parents are home is joint- baths, bedtime routine etc, coats on, changes etc he should be doing 50pecent

Weddingbells6 · 07/02/2025 20:49

2025willbemytime · 07/02/2025 20:43

How was she supposed to know he would be a shit dad before they had kids?

Show quote history

There’s just horrible women on here that love to blame the person that’s being treated badly. They’re gross.

2025willbemytime · 07/02/2025 20:52

Strictlymad · 07/02/2025 20:49

I think we should make a line between household chores and caring for the kids. Yes if one parent stays at home their ‘job’ is to do the lions share of the laundry/cooking/shopping etc during the day (that does not mean the dh can leave dirty socks on the floor dishes on the side etc) but caring for the kids when both parents are home is joint- baths, bedtime routine etc, coats on, changes etc he should be doing 50pecent

That's what me and my now ex h did. I did all I wanted to in the day and as soon as he got in it was team work.

Itisbetter · 07/02/2025 20:52

No need to divorce, just get up early tomorrow and go out for a long leisurely breakfast and then have a mooch around town.

Original poster
Justlivelovelaugheat · 07/02/2025 20:54

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 07/02/2025 20:49

I remember going to a funeral 20 odd years ago, when I got back my dp and I had a disagreement his mother piped up that I should be grateful he "babysat". Yes!! they were his own children😂
can't believe attitudes like this response still a thing .

Absolutely awful.

OP posts:
StormingNorman · 07/02/2025 20:54

The saddest thing here is that he sees his children as a job rather than wanting to spend time with them and raise them.

OpenFox · 07/02/2025 20:56

So what did he say when you told him you were going out for the day and he could look after the kids?

I'm assuming you've had the conversation about needing some time to yourself? And what did he say?

If you're a SAHM then he probably thinks it's your role.

Why not tell him you're going back yo work and get a job so everything can be split 50/50?

Theunamedcat · 07/02/2025 20:57

Honestly I would give him a brief taste of ACTUAL care giving since he does it all the time go for a job interview no need to book childcare he is doing it all anyway

Redlorryyellowlorryblue · 07/02/2025 21:01

He will never change. You have a decision to make.

Endofyear · 07/02/2025 21:14

I was a SAHM for a number of years while our children were small. I did the vast majority of housework, shopping and cooking as DH worked away a lot and even when working nearer home, didn't get home until 7ish. But when he was home he was completely hands on with the kids, changing nappies, feeding, bathing, bedtime, playing with them etc. Weekends we took it in turns to get up with the kids so one of us had a lie in. This is not 'helping' it's just being a parent. Your husband needs to buck his ideas up!

Callipygion · 07/02/2025 21:22

Do these arseholes think their responsibility towards being a parent ended at their ejaculation?

BeeDavis · 07/02/2025 21:22

you lost me at him barely changing his child’s nappy.. which is absolutely fucking ridiculous and I cannot believe women put up with this shit.

JohnTheRevelator · 07/02/2025 21:34

Good grief. I have heard stuff like this so many times,I despair. What is with men that they have to keep a 'score' of every time they change a nappy,or wash up after dinner? My exH used to look after our DD once a fortnight so I could go out for the evening with my best friend. He was fine about it, never said that he was babysitting or 'helping' me. But OMFG his mother and his sister. To say they had traditional attitudes is an understatement.They could never resist having a dig about their darling son/brother being 'put upon' by me expecting him to look after our DD for 4 hours once a fortnight. Apparently,I was 'really lucky'. This is going back 40 years, mid 1980's. I had rather hoped that attitudes had changed. Apparently not!

Devilsmommy · 07/02/2025 21:46

Well obviously now you've got to wait for baby to have a poonami and make yourself scarce. How the hell has he only changed 1-2 nappies. I think you need to start going out more so he can actually parent

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