Husband thinks spending time with kids is caregiving

[Justlivelovelaugheat]

I am seriously considering a divorce. I’m a SAHM and when I say I do everything involving the kids I’m not exaggerating. My DH has only ever changed our 1 year old like twice (never a soiled nappy), I do the cooking, very rarely does he do the cleaning but he definitely keeps score when he does, which leads me to to today. We were having a conversation about women deserving 50/50 in a marriage. As he owns a business, he is the sole financial provider in our family but I am do 99% of the caregiving. Well somehow he believes he does more than me because and I quote “he has to work and look after the kids?” Seeing as I’ve not had a day off in 3 years and his never cooked a single meal nor done any laundry, I was baffled to how he worked that one out. And he, again word for word, said “he HELPS out with the kids all the time. He was playing with them earlier for 5 minutes and had to strap them into their car seat.” Like what? Are these not just tasks fathers do? In my opinion he should be doing more. If I wasn’t looking after the kids while he worked we would be spending loads on childcare. I don’t think he understands that interacting with your kids is not helping out the mom. I hate comments like that.

This. Hate it when people say that!

Usually before kids arrive they’re all promises about how they’ll be a hands-on parent and partner. Then when the kid first arrived they fluctuate between making an effort and being less than average but with the first but you make allowances for the fact that you’re juggling a breadwinner/SAHM or part-time dynamic or “they’re finding their feet as a parent who doesn’t have as much time with them” etc.

And then when the next comes along they tap out even more and you have your hands so full with two kids and a household to run you barely have the energy for fights with someone who is more interested in arguing with and gaslighting you than pulling their weight.

This. I will never understand why women put up with any other arrangement. Apart from anything else, you are bringing up your boys and girls to think its womens job to do all the domestic work. Thats how you end up with a new generation of entitled men.

YANBU. Mine is the exact same I get ‘I helped you yesterday, I brought a towel when you were bathing the kids didn’t I?’ I nearly fainted. The bar is so so low for him. His family and he himself have convinced him so much that he is the best dad that ever lived - I do it all. On my own! I feel your frustration, I’m considering leaving as he won’t change.

I'm a sahm and DH changed pretty much all the nappies once he was home from work. He figured that would mean we did half each since I was doing all the changes while he was at work.

We have 2 dcs and we usually take turns having one to one time with each one, and we pull our weight with the chores in the evenings and weekends. He gets home from the office in time for dinner with the kids as we chose to live nearby rather than out in the suburbs, to ensure he could have a short commute.

Personally I wouldn't have had more than one unless I knew DH was going to parent equally and actually enjoy spending time with our dc (which was clear after dc1 was born). It's too much work being a solo parent to more than one child. Obviously you can't tell what kind of a parent a man is going to be before you have the first child, but it's clear once you've had dc1.

I'm sorry this is happening OP. His attitude really needs to change but it sounds like he's set in his ways. Would mediation help? It's exhausting being married to a man with outdated expectations. My ex husband was fixed in his attitude that all domestic chores and bringing up children was women's work. He was raised this way. Maybe it's time to sit down with your husband again and tell him how exhausted you are and that things have to change. Also, you know what time he finishes work. Ask him directly what time your working day ends. You can't do it all OP. Would he pay for a cleaner to take some of the weight off?

First of all, you are not being unreasonable at all. Secondly I think there are two ways of talking about this with him. One is to point out that whilst he is at work "working", you are at home "working", and then when you are both at home you can both then have chance to sometimes not be "working" and you should share that chance out equally between you. If he thinks it is too difficult for him to spend time outside "work" caring for the kids, then why does he think you should have to do that. If he thinks caring for the kids is easy, then why is it a problem to do it outside of work?

The other important thing to consider is that cleaning a house, cooking meals for the whole family, washing for the whole family etc is not childcare. They are jobs that need to be done anyway by any adult. I don't know if he helps with these but if he doesn't, why does he think he now doesn't need to do any of the things an adult does just to live?

Id suggest you might want to join a Facebook group called Bridging the gap.

Aw well 50% custody won’t be too difficult for him then will it as he’s used to doing most of it 🙄

Nailed it here. He will NEVER change, possibly only get worse.

Why does he not change nappies? What's his excuse?

It's not the 1950s!

The saddest thing is that he sees playing with his children as a chore. My DH works FT, has elderly parents who need him and he still helps out 50:50 with the kids because he enjoys being with them and loves watching them do their hobbies, as well as the painful stuff like getting homework done etc. He can annoyingly try to point score over empyting dishwasher or doing laundry but he never ever uses time with his kids as some kind of parenting top trump. In short your husband is not only a bad DH but he is bad Dad and you need to address this.

I don't know how you can bare to stay married to such a dickhead or even have sex with him. Divorce seems the obvious answer.

No doubt he got his mother round to actually look after the kids too!

More fool you for letting him get away with it, to be honest.

Man behaves badly, naturally though it’s the woman’s fault 🙄

God Harold. You’re very blunt aren’t you behind your keyboard. Let me guess, in real life you’re the most passive person ever and you wouldn’t call a fly a fool to their face let alone another human being.

Marriage isn't 50:50.

It is both people giving 100%.

Maybe not before the first but they’re now on their third

Yes, that's what 50:50 means, both people putting in an equal amount of effort.

Seems to often be a thing either the self employed men do;they always seem to use it as an excuse to hide at work and check out of the practicalities of behaving like a normal adult who parents and does stuff like clean the home.

If you were no longer together who'd do the cooking/cleaning etc in his house?

Was he one of these men who moved straight in with you from his mother's house.

Go back to work fulltime in preparation for financial independence.

Employ childcare and cleaners, cost shared with dh proportionate to salary earned.

When you are ready, leave him. He has no respect for you.

My point being that so many interpret it to putting into 50% effort thinking the other puts on the other 50.

U must know something I don’t! No where did I say I have 3 kids.

Yes actually.

It's about equal leisure time. You're soloing the kids while he's working but then do a second and third shift.

It's not about helping out. It's about doing. He's not exactly being a father, if he thinks his role is to help the odd time.

Go back to work or hire a nanny until you're ready to separate.

Maybe he needs a parenting class, regardless of what you decide to do