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AIBU?

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Original poster

Husband thinks spending time with kids is caregiving

62 replies

Justlivelovelaugheat · 07/02/2025 19:58

I am seriously considering a divorce. I’m a SAHM and when I say I do everything involving the kids I’m not exaggerating. My DH has only ever changed our 1 year old like twice (never a soiled nappy), I do the cooking, very rarely does he do the cleaning but he definitely keeps score when he does, which leads me to to today. We were having a conversation about women deserving 50/50 in a marriage. As he owns a business, he is the sole financial provider in our family but I am do 99% of the caregiving. Well somehow he believes he does more than me because and I quote “he has to work and look after the kids?” Seeing as I’ve not had a day off in 3 years and his never cooked a single meal nor done any laundry, I was baffled to how he worked that one out. And he, again word for word, said “he HELPS out with the kids all the time. He was playing with them earlier for 5 minutes and had to strap them into their car seat.” Like what? Are these not just tasks fathers do? In my opinion he should be doing more. If I wasn’t looking after the kids while he worked we would be spending loads on childcare. I don’t think he understands that interacting with your kids is not helping out the mom. I hate comments like that.

OP posts:
Nothatgingerpirate · 08/02/2025 10:12

Justlivelovelaugheat · 08/02/2025 09:53

Yes actually.

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Oh dear 🤢

FasilBalti · 08/02/2025 10:26

cadburyegg · 07/02/2025 20:46

Nails it.

As soon as he gets home he should be doing 50%.

Show quote history

Disclaimer: I come in peace. I am neither a man or a misogynist.😁 I just have a thought about this and wonder if it sheds some light on the struggle with the division of labour in the home.

Of course there are blokes happily getting stuck in to the domestic stuff but there are plenty who don't. I think we overlook something in general.

The core issue is that it's not men that are pushing to change their role in the home. It's women. Many don't want change and don't wish to facilitate it by making their life harder. These men are happy with the traditional role and have no desire to accept what women now want them to be.

It doesn't matter what we think a man should be doing or what is fair, you really can't make a grown adult do anything. You might make some progress but if he doesn't want this he'll end up resentful, unhappy or just leave to go and live in a pigsty in peace.

If you want a man who does 50% and doesn't consider children to be the woman's hobby, then make sure that's what you've got before you get in too deep. The ones who aren't like this are going to be an uphill struggle.

JustWantsSomeSleep · 08/02/2025 13:55

@CheekyHobson / @2025willbemytime saying it's a shame she didn't know does not mean there was an expectation she should have known...

StormingNorman · 08/02/2025 15:22

Uberella · 08/02/2025 09:45

Seems to often be a thing either the self employed men do;they always seem to use it as an excuse to hide at work and check out of the practicalities of behaving like a normal adult who parents and does stuff like clean the home.

If you were no longer together who'd do the cooking/cleaning etc in his house?

Was he one of these men who moved straight in with you from his mother's house.

He’d probably get a cleaner.

Pickled21 · 08/02/2025 18:26

Your mistake was not establishing boundaries in the first place. So he earns a living and you manage your child and home. As soon as he gets in from work that's where it should all be equal in my view. Working full time does not in my view at least mean a parent can't do night wakeups with a baby (unless hes a surgeon, drives for a living or a lack of concentration on his part could lead to catastrophe). Also why has he changed so few nappies?

He isn't doing you a favour by playing with his own children. You both do your core hours of a working day then anything outside that should be shared. The fact that he sees your kids as a chore is telling in my eyes. My dh would miss ours when he went to work, as soon as he stepped over the threshold that was him in dad mode and I wouldn't have accepted anything less. It is much harder to set boundaries after the fact rather than on the beginning but it seems that is where you have found yourself. You either carry on as you are and have the occasional outburst as the resentment builds or you sit down with him and explain that this set up isn't working and outline steps to improve things. You could also leave him.

DoloresODonovan · 08/02/2025 18:31

JustWantsSomeSleep · 07/02/2025 20:08

TL;DR husband is a waste of space

It’s a shame you didn’t realise before having children. You’ve every right to feel angry and to expect him to step up.

Edited

oooohhhhhh

DoloresODonovan · 08/02/2025 18:32

JustWantsSomeSleep · 08/02/2025 13:55

@CheekyHobson / @2025willbemytime saying it's a shame she didn't know does not mean there was an expectation she should have known...

nevertheless, this remark was unnecessary for obvious reasons

bifurCAT · 08/02/2025 18:47

He doesn't care. His genetics have been passed on, his job is done.

Grum way of seeing it, but still.

Original poster
Justlivelovelaugheat · 08/02/2025 21:58

Pickled21 · 08/02/2025 18:26

Your mistake was not establishing boundaries in the first place. So he earns a living and you manage your child and home. As soon as he gets in from work that's where it should all be equal in my view. Working full time does not in my view at least mean a parent can't do night wakeups with a baby (unless hes a surgeon, drives for a living or a lack of concentration on his part could lead to catastrophe). Also why has he changed so few nappies?

He isn't doing you a favour by playing with his own children. You both do your core hours of a working day then anything outside that should be shared. The fact that he sees your kids as a chore is telling in my eyes. My dh would miss ours when he went to work, as soon as he stepped over the threshold that was him in dad mode and I wouldn't have accepted anything less. It is much harder to set boundaries after the fact rather than on the beginning but it seems that is where you have found yourself. You either carry on as you are and have the occasional outburst as the resentment builds or you sit down with him and explain that this set up isn't working and outline steps to improve things. You could also leave him.

Edited

His last business before he sold it was extremely dangerous and he used to drive a lot, work very late, and work from extreme heights. Needless to say, concentration was needed.

OP posts:
Pickled21 · 09/02/2025 11:03

@Justlivelovelaugheat you've focused on one aspect of what I've said and ignored everything else. It's your life and if you want to ignore the advice others have given you, fair enough. You choose your own boundaries.

Gravitasdepleted · 09/02/2025 13:23

Start figuring out how to earn your own money and put a plan in action. You can't be free from his condescension and control until you aren't financially dependent on him. Having his own business means in a divorce scenario he can (and will) hide assets and income. So if you do want to be free from this it will require foresight and planning. Get as good an understanding of business & family finances as possible. Use his attitude against him, ie it's important that you start to really contribute to the family (by earning money), it's worth him paying for childcare & cleaning to enable this, need to think about the family long term etc. He'll probably fight you every step of the way though, once these types of men get in this position of control they hang on to it. All while feeding themselves a self serving narrative of how very important they are.

I2amonlyhereforTheBeer · 09/02/2025 13:23

SharonEllis · 08/02/2025 07:23

This. I will never understand why women put up with any other arrangement. Apart from anything else, you are bringing up your boys and girls to think its womens job to do all the domestic work. Thats how you end up with a new generation of entitled men.

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Exactly this. I don't get it either. You make a rod for your back. Those around you can see the rod on your back but don't care. You all get used to it, then if you suddenly try to change the status quo, people think you're mad. Prevention so much better than cure.

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