Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think I might be a GOW: arrangements with friend

72 replies

niadainud · 07/02/2025 19:45

Exchanged messages last weekend with a friend re. meeting tomorrow for lunch. I suggested a particular restaurant as they currently have a promotion on, it's a convenient location and nice food. I would be going straight from work so I calculated my journey and proposed a time. I didn't get a confirmation from her so booked a table anyway, planning to go on my own if she couldn't make it.

She's just been in touch to say she'd still like to meet up, but might not make it by that time. I'm a bit annoyed by this as a) I don't want to have to change the booking at this point when I was trying to finalise arrangements last weekend, and b) if she can't make it by that time my only options are to twiddle my thumbs before leaving work or wait for her at the restaurant - my finishing time is fixed and I can't go home in between as it's too far to be worth it.

I do realise it's not a particularly big deal (at all) and I'm certainly not going to fall out with her about it. I'm mildly peeved rather than furious, but is my slight annoyance justified, or am I being ridiculously inflexible? NB She isn't working tomorrow and has the whole morning to do whatever it is she needs to do which as far as I know is just a few odd jobs, not anything that ties her to a particular time. Also there's no issue about her not being able to afford to eat out or anything like that.

OP posts:
Original poster
niadainud · 07/02/2025 19:46

In summary: my friend kept me waiting a long time to confirm and now wants to keep me waiting before meeting as well.

OP posts:
DaDaDaDaa · 07/02/2025 19:47

What does GOW mean please?

Original poster
niadainud · 07/02/2025 19:47

DaDaDaDaa · 07/02/2025 19:47

What does GOW mean please?

Grumpy Old Woman.

OP posts:
GoldVermillion · 07/02/2025 19:49

I think you are being mildly unreasonable. Friend sounds rather flakey, which is annoying, but you took it upon yourself to book anyway. She neither asked nor expected you to do that - does she even know you did?

Amba1998 · 07/02/2025 19:51

Yeh I’m also in the YABU camp. You booked it without her confirmation re timings and you’ve chosen a time that’s convenient for you, not necessarily for her. Think you need to compromise

Original poster
niadainud · 07/02/2025 19:54

GoldVermillion · 07/02/2025 19:49

I think you are being mildly unreasonable. Friend sounds rather flakey, which is annoying, but you took it upon yourself to book anyway. She neither asked nor expected you to do that - does she even know you did?

True, but as I said I booked it because I was intending to go either way, so I had to settle on a time in order to do that.

No, to be fair she didn't know I had booked before saying she might not make it for then (although she did know the time I had in mind). I didn't want to feel I was nagging her which I why I didn't tell her I'd make the booking once she had gone quiet.

OP posts:
DaDaDaDaa · 07/02/2025 19:54

That’s annoying and you are not being unreasonable to feel annoyed but does friend know how you calculated the timings from when you finish work? It might simply not work with her schedule for that day. Suggest a compromise time? Do you work in a town centre? Surely there’s something to occupy your time once you’ve finished work - museum, art gallery, clothes shop, make up counter, park….and if not in town, catch up on texts/emails, personal admin, call family... twiddling thumbs as your only option feels a bit GOW, sorry!

Original poster
niadainud · 07/02/2025 19:56

Amba1998 · 07/02/2025 19:51

Yeh I’m also in the YABU camp. You booked it without her confirmation re timings and you’ve chosen a time that’s convenient for you, not necessarily for her. Think you need to compromise

Yes, I accept that. I suppose I feel if she wanted me to compromise it would have been better if she'd not kept me waiting all week to confirm, particularly since it would entail me hanging around.

OP posts:
Original poster
niadainud · 07/02/2025 19:58

DaDaDaDaa · 07/02/2025 19:54

That’s annoying and you are not being unreasonable to feel annoyed but does friend know how you calculated the timings from when you finish work? It might simply not work with her schedule for that day. Suggest a compromise time? Do you work in a town centre? Surely there’s something to occupy your time once you’ve finished work - museum, art gallery, clothes shop, make up counter, park….and if not in town, catch up on texts/emails, personal admin, call family... twiddling thumbs as your only option feels a bit GOW, sorry!

It doesn't really matter how I calculated the timings, does it? But yes, she knows the time I had in mind.

No, there isn't really anything to do in that particular area - plus I will be starving (not that that is my friend's fault!). I could of course do phone-based admin, but it would still really be killing time.

OP posts:
PullTheBricksDown · 07/02/2025 19:58

If you're happy to just go alone if needs be, then no, you don't have to compromise. Message and say 'ah, I'm tied into going at X time so if you can make it then great, if not we'll meet up another time'. You may find she'd prefer to go later, but will agree to your time if you stick with it.

grumpygrape · 07/02/2025 19:58

I am very old and often grumpy. Why don't people just phone and speak to each other nowadays?

Original poster
niadainud · 07/02/2025 20:01

PullTheBricksDown · 07/02/2025 19:58

If you're happy to just go alone if needs be, then no, you don't have to compromise. Message and say 'ah, I'm tied into going at X time so if you can make it then great, if not we'll meet up another time'. You may find she'd prefer to go later, but will agree to your time if you stick with it.

I've said we could meet later, but explained I can only achieve that by hanging around.

OP posts:
Hodge00079 · 07/02/2025 20:02

As you didn’t hear back not unreasonable to want to stick to just going on own.

Original poster
niadainud · 07/02/2025 20:02

grumpygrape · 07/02/2025 19:58

I am very old and often grumpy. Why don't people just phone and speak to each other nowadays?

She does quite often phone. I don't know why she didn't confirm when we were messaging last Saturday and Sunday, but I didn't want to bother her as I got the impression that she was either busy or preoccupied.

OP posts:
DaDaDaDaa · 07/02/2025 20:02

niadainud · 07/02/2025 19:58

It doesn't really matter how I calculated the timings, does it? But yes, she knows the time I had in mind.

No, there isn't really anything to do in that particular area - plus I will be starving (not that that is my friend's fault!). I could of course do phone-based admin, but it would still really be killing time.

Show quote history

It does when you say there’s no flexibility with your meeting time. Giving context always helps. If a friend suggested meeting at 1pm next to the train station as her train arrives 12.55 then I’d agree on 1pm if possible

Original poster
niadainud · 07/02/2025 20:04

Hodge00079 · 07/02/2025 20:02

As you didn’t hear back not unreasonable to want to stick to just going on own.

I'd rather go with her, but I suppose my willingness to compromise has been diminished by my slight annoyance that she's kept me waiting all week to confirm. Also because of the nature of my work I can't easily change bookings or respond to messages once I've started.

OP posts:
JustWantsSomeSleep · 07/02/2025 20:05

You shouldn’t have made the booking. But you did so either you tell your friend it needs to be the time you booked due to work / travelling commitments; or you rebook for later and hang around a bit / do some window shopping ahead of time. Or you didn’t really care to see the friend that much and could just cancel / enjoy a nice meal to yourself.

FallOfSloths · 07/02/2025 20:05

If you're happy to eat alone, why aren't you happy to have a drink for half an hour(at the same place or somewhere else) while you wait for a friend?

Original poster
niadainud · 07/02/2025 20:05

DaDaDaDaa · 07/02/2025 20:02

It does when you say there’s no flexibility with your meeting time. Giving context always helps. If a friend suggested meeting at 1pm next to the train station as her train arrives 12.55 then I’d agree on 1pm if possible

Show quote history

I see what you mean. Well she knows I'm coming straight from work and that I have to get the train, and that that's roughly how long it takes.

OP posts:
Noparticularplacetogo · 07/02/2025 20:06

Amba1998 · 07/02/2025 19:51

Yeh I’m also in the YABU camp. You booked it without her confirmation re timings and you’ve chosen a time that’s convenient for you, not necessarily for her. Think you need to compromise

Yup

Edited to respond to the post above mine. So train due to arrive 12.55 and you book table for 13.00? No, trains are delayed, it can take ages to queue to exit carriage, ditto getting through barriers etc.?

Is the venue so popular you need to book? If so, why book it until you have confirmation your friend can make it? If not, why book at all? just turn up.

Original poster
niadainud · 07/02/2025 20:07

JustWantsSomeSleep · 07/02/2025 20:05

You shouldn’t have made the booking. But you did so either you tell your friend it needs to be the time you booked due to work / travelling commitments; or you rebook for later and hang around a bit / do some window shopping ahead of time. Or you didn’t really care to see the friend that much and could just cancel / enjoy a nice meal to yourself.

As I said, I made the booking as I still wanted to go even if it was on my own. And the restaurant is usually busy on Saturday lunchtimes.

OP posts:
Original poster
niadainud · 07/02/2025 20:09

FallOfSloths · 07/02/2025 20:05

If you're happy to eat alone, why aren't you happy to have a drink for half an hour(at the same place or somewhere else) while you wait for a friend?

Because I don't think they will be happy for me to be using a table and not ordering food for half an hour - they say in the confirmation they will only keep the table for ten minutes. Plus I'll be very hungry!

OP posts:
Original poster
niadainud · 07/02/2025 20:12

She's just messaged to say she'll try to get there for the time I suggested. I said she could change the booking if she gets caught up and can't make it for then (as I won't be able to do it myself during work).

Thanks for everyone's thoughts.

P.S. The table is booked for a standard lunch time, not absurdly early or anything.

OP posts:
RoastDinnerSmellsNice · 07/02/2025 20:13

I actually think your friend was in the wrong OP, she should have made up her mind sooner, and as she couldn't be bothered to get herself organised and respond, she should be the one who puts herself out. I would just tell her the truth, you booked the table for the time that suited you, and that you had suggested to her, thinking that if she didn't get back to you, you'd go on your own, and it won't work for you to move the booking, so if she's still up for it, she comes at the right time, and if not, you'll make arrangements to meet up another time.

Springflowersmakeforbetterhours · 07/02/2025 20:15

Get a drink and a starter... Friend can catch up and order mains together...