I think I might be a GOW: arrangements with friend

[niadainud]

Exchanged messages last weekend with a friend re. meeting tomorrow for lunch. I suggested a particular restaurant as they currently have a promotion on, it's a convenient location and nice food. I would be going straight from work so I calculated my journey and proposed a time. I didn't get a confirmation from her so booked a table anyway, planning to go on my own if she couldn't make it.

She's just been in touch to say she'd still like to meet up, but might not make it by that time. I'm a bit annoyed by this as a) I don't want to have to change the booking at this point when I was trying to finalise arrangements last weekend, and b) if she can't make it by that time my only options are to twiddle my thumbs before leaving work or wait for her at the restaurant - my finishing time is fixed and I can't go home in between as it's too far to be worth it.

I do realise it's not a particularly big deal (at all) and I'm certainly not going to fall out with her about it. I'm mildly peeved rather than furious, but is my slight annoyance justified, or am I being ridiculously inflexible? NB She isn't working tomorrow and has the whole morning to do whatever it is she needs to do which as far as I know is just a few odd jobs, not anything that ties her to a particular time. Also there's no issue about her not being able to afford to eat out or anything like that.

Yes, that's precisely why I booked - popular location, popular time, last day of 50% off promotion so I feared it might be full if I just did a walk-in.

It’s half an hour! What a fuss over 30 minutes. You could easily wander around the shops, do a chore, sit and have a cuppa etc.

Yeah, that's sort of how I felt. I know it looks like I'm being inflexible, but I can't adjust my work timings so my hands are a bit tied.

"which as far as I know is just a few odd jobs, not anything that ties her to a particular time."
That's the whole point though, you don't know why she can't make it by that time. Perhaps she has a valid reason!
If she had suggested meeting an hour earlier and you couldn't make it (because you'd still be in working/travelling) presumably you wouldn't think it fair if she was annoyed with you for that? Particularly given that it doesn't seem that you've actually told her why you've gone for that time, for all she knows you've just picked a time at random and half an hour later would be equally convenient.

If you'd said "Any later than 2pm is really inconvenient for me because I'll be hanging around for ages on my own" and she said "Well I want a lie in so cba to come any earlier" then you might have cause to be slightly annoyed, but it seems a bit unfair to be annoyed at her for something you haven't told her about!
And tbh even then for me it would probably be a "we have different priorities so let's mutually agree to just leave it" rather than a "She is BU because my reasons for going that time to avoid inconvenience to me should take precedence over hers."

Given you are happy to eat there alone anyway if she couldn't make it, it seems like a bit of a mountain out of a molehill. Just message her saying 'Sorry just checked with the restaurant and they can't move the time. Let me know if you can make it, or if you want to meet for a drink/coffee/wander round the park after." Obvs if you cba to hang around don't add the last part. If she comes she comes, if she doesn't she doesn't.

I don't know where you got half an hour from - no time was specified by my friend. There aren't any shops nearby, apart from crappy ones at the station.

I don't understand your reasoning... You said you'd booked as you would go on your own regardless. Why aren't you just going by yourself? And then arranging to see your friend another time.

I understand the frustration that she couldn't just make a plan.

But I would tell her that you are eating there at your chosen time - and either she can make it or she can't.

is the subtext here really you just needing a rant "why can't people just be organised?"

If so, I do understand that. i didn't know what a GOW was either. But now I do and I don't think you're being one.

I'd have let her know on booking: It's X time and place, I'll be there until Y, love for you to join me if you can.

Given you're happy to go on your own, and she's still unsure (if) when she'll be there, I'd reframe it that way, to set her expectations, and free you from waiting around.

(I have zero tolerance for friends messing around arrangements drama. Perfectly happy to be solitary!)

Im 50 50 on this op. You can't be grumpy if you booked before she agreed the time

BUT.

I have a few flakey friends.your friend is flakey.

There's a way you have to just be with flakey people. How i do it is:

• if offering to meet, just present your terms and leave it at that eg

"I'm booked to go the pizza restaurant at 7.30 on Saturday. It would be lovely if you can join me/ Perhaps I'll see you there". Or "Sam and I have bought tickets for the comedy night at the Blue Moon on Friday. If you want to come along as well , here's the link for buying a ticket - they usually sell out by wednesday before, or its 20% more on the door. We'll be there from 9pm."

Be totally ready for them to not turn up, especially the first few times you do this. Assume you're going alone/with other friends and dont plan things unless you're fine with flakey friend not turning up. If you arrive at the time you've mentioned and they aren't there, wait no more than 5 mins then simply go in and enjoy yourself without them.

Don't organise any social events with them except on this basis. Do not ever:

• let them plan timing
• rely on them for a lift or ticket where you might be left waiting/let down
• buy their ticket without money from them in advance

I guarantee within 6 months they will either start showing up per your plans OR simply not have seen you in months because you are no longer waiting around to accomodate them etc. If its the latter, you are not a friendship priority for them, they think their time matters more than yours - focus on other friends who treat you better.

Because while I'd rather go on my own than not go at all, I'd rather go with a friend than on my own.

I don't know, but she hasn't said there's anything involving being tied to a specific time, and she has form for getting up late on a Saturday and then turning up (slightly) late to meet me in the afternoon, so I am fairly confident that's what's on the cards this time.

And she does know exactly why I've gone for that time - she's well aware that I work on a Saturday morning as we fairly frequently meet for lunch, and she knows when I finish.

My point is that she can be more flexible as she's not working, and if she wanted me to wait around I'd have been more amenable if she'd mentioned this a week ago.

Yes, I guess that is exactly the subtext!!

You booked the table without finding out if it suited her. So you shouldn't be surprised if it's not convenient.
She clearly had something else to do that wasn't work. I'd sit in a pub with a drink and just read a book or my phone, then make my way there for a time a bit later if she definitely was not ready yet.
I'd rather that than eat on my own. Which you did say you'd be happy to do anyway.

Yes, in hindsight I should have told her when I made the booking. She's a reliable friend on the whole so I should have trusted I would hear from her sooner or later.

This is good advice.

I told her when I had in mind (totally standard time for lunch) last Saturday. She could have told me sooner if that time was going to be unsuitable.

@niadainud "I told her when I had in mind (totally standard time for lunch) last Saturday. She could have told me sooner if that time was going to be unsuitable."

you could just ring her and have this conversation. I understand why you might want to avoid the conflict and you say she's a reliable friend, but you also say she's frequently late.

It's very difficult. I would never advise anyone to fall out with a friend if it can be avoided, but I also feel that chronic lateness is disrespectful.

I would say op - 2/3 of flakey friends? You just aren't a priority for them so following my advice does mean a bit of a cull of friends who don't treat you well.

If you are ok with that, its rather freeing in my experience. You sort of realise Claire Super-popular Jones & Fun Amy are fun but actually have a billion and one friends hanging off them whom they've got used to treating badly. Meanwhile you've been wasting a lot of your time stretching your schedule around those people and have overlooked Reliable Robyn, who's actually also really funny & likes the same sport you follow, or Quiet Sophie who takes longer to warm up with a group but is actually a bloody brilliant companion for the watercolour class you love.

Find the decent people in your life and value them.

I get the impression that you're one of those "I'm so busy, my time is so much more important than anyone else's" people, and probably make sure people know that. Often.

She could have told me sooner if that time was going to be unsuitable.

Given you don't know why the time is unsuitable, how on earth can you be so sure she could've communicated that sooner? Oh, because you are working. And she's just flailing around doing something of little importance.

No, I don't think there's any chance we will fall out over it. I guess I didn't ring because she has a husband and a step daughter and a busy job, and I didn't know whether I would be interrupting.

No, that's not the case at all. I'm neither "so busy", nor do I think my time is more important than other people's, nor do I always expect people to fit around me.

My point, at the risk of repeating myself, is that my fixed work time reduced my capacity to be flexible on this occasion (not that it makes me more important) and that if she wanted to change the time I suggested last Saturday she could have let me know earlier than the following Friday evening. Perhaps it's something that has just come up, but on the balance of probabilities (and past experience of this friend) I think that's unlikely.

You are taking some of the shine off the meal by worrying about your friend.
Pretexting gave your friend time to consider the lunch engagement. She should have responded earlier. You could have spoken on the phone to hear that she wanted to join you before booking.

Once booked, you should have texted her the time and that you are looking forward to seeing her.

Go to the restaurant and order after a fifteen minutes of waiting. If she is not there, phone her and ask if you can order for her. If she will be too late tell her she can order a dessert and a coffee when she arrives.

With people who are always late just go ahead with reasonable times and they will get the message that they miss out if they are late.

YABU expecting us to mindread what you meant by GOW.

Ha! I thought it was a reasonably well-known acronym.

Never heard of it in my life.