Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think I might be a GOW: arrangements with friend

72 replies

niadainud · 07/02/2025 19:45

Exchanged messages last weekend with a friend re. meeting tomorrow for lunch. I suggested a particular restaurant as they currently have a promotion on, it's a convenient location and nice food. I would be going straight from work so I calculated my journey and proposed a time. I didn't get a confirmation from her so booked a table anyway, planning to go on my own if she couldn't make it.

She's just been in touch to say she'd still like to meet up, but might not make it by that time. I'm a bit annoyed by this as a) I don't want to have to change the booking at this point when I was trying to finalise arrangements last weekend, and b) if she can't make it by that time my only options are to twiddle my thumbs before leaving work or wait for her at the restaurant - my finishing time is fixed and I can't go home in between as it's too far to be worth it.

I do realise it's not a particularly big deal (at all) and I'm certainly not going to fall out with her about it. I'm mildly peeved rather than furious, but is my slight annoyance justified, or am I being ridiculously inflexible? NB She isn't working tomorrow and has the whole morning to do whatever it is she needs to do which as far as I know is just a few odd jobs, not anything that ties her to a particular time. Also there's no issue about her not being able to afford to eat out or anything like that.

OP posts:
roses2 · 07/02/2025 21:42

Is the restaurant now fully booked? If yes they probably have a table turnaround time of 1.5/2 hours so it wouldn't work if she joins you 30 minutes after the booking time.

IDontLikeMondays88 · 07/02/2025 21:53

What difference would it make if she had told you sooner though? She still can’t make it at the time you wanted so you either have to suck it up or cancel.

greengreyblue · 07/02/2025 21:57

Yabu because you booked at your own risk. I’d be mildly annoyed that she took so long to reply though. Maybe just meet up for a drink if too late to rebook or amend times.

ChanelBoucle · 07/02/2025 22:02

I do get you, op, but I think by setting fixed parameters here you kind of set either one of you up for failure. If her timings are too inconvenient for you, I would simply reply and say, “ah, sorry that’s too late for me, I’ve got to get on home to …” (whatever reason you can’t hang around for) and not make it too awkward for her to then pull out of the arrangement, agreeing to reschedule again when things can be mutually convenient.

Viviennemary · 07/02/2025 22:05

Why did you book it before you heard from her, That was a it daft

Branleuse · 07/02/2025 22:17

I think that id tell her that id actually already booked for a specific time and there's no more available later, and you hope she can make it

EmeraldRoulette · 07/02/2025 22:27

Viviennemary · 07/02/2025 22:05

Why did you book it before you heard from her, That was a it daft

OP she wanted to go this place and is okay going alone but prefers company.

katepilar · 07/02/2025 22:32

niadainud · 07/02/2025 19:56

Yes, I accept that. I suppose I feel if she wanted me to compromise it would have been better if she'd not kept me waiting all week to confirm, particularly since it would entail me hanging around.

Show quote history

When you go out with her, do you usually book a week in advance? I wonder whether she even could have had the idea that you might want to book ahead.

Anyway, I feel you had expectations that dont match hers. I dont think you should have booked without her confirming. I think its fair to be upset she didnt reply sooner but not because she cant make something she didnt say she would.
Would be different if she had the form for canceling.

BarneyRonson · 07/02/2025 23:06

Neither of you have done anything wrong, you’re probably both a bit disgruntled, from poor communication. If you like each other any GOW will dissolve as soon as you see each other. If you don’t really like each other much you’ll find out when you notice you’re holding a grudge.

Madgirl25 · 08/02/2025 02:49

niadainud · 07/02/2025 19:54

True, but as I said I booked it because I was intending to go either way, so I had to settle on a time in order to do that.

No, to be fair she didn't know I had booked before saying she might not make it for then (although she did know the time I had in mind). I didn't want to feel I was nagging her which I why I didn't tell her I'd make the booking once she had gone quiet.

Show quote history

Just take charge of the situation.

i leave work at X and so I booked table for X thinking I would go even if you can't go. Do you think you could make that? Happy to wait a bit for you if that helps?

crockofshite · 08/02/2025 04:15

grumpygrape · 07/02/2025 19:58

I am very old and often grumpy. Why don't people just phone and speak to each other nowadays?

You may as well query why people don't send each other telegrams or release a carrier pigeon or despatch a rider on horseback to deliver a message by bow and arrow.

Options.

mathanxiety · 08/02/2025 04:28

Amba1998 · 07/02/2025 19:51

Yeh I’m also in the YABU camp. You booked it without her confirmation re timings and you’ve chosen a time that’s convenient for you, not necessarily for her. Think you need to compromise

This.

She might have an appointment that she previously booked for her day off and can't be as flexible as you think she could be about timing.

Sparko99 · 08/02/2025 08:11

InDogweRust · 07/02/2025 21:09

I would say op - 2/3 of flakey friends? You just aren't a priority for them so following my advice does mean a bit of a cull of friends who don't treat you well.

If you are ok with that, its rather freeing in my experience. You sort of realise Claire Super-popular Jones & Fun Amy are fun but actually have a billion and one friends hanging off them whom they've got used to treating badly. Meanwhile you've been wasting a lot of your time stretching your schedule around those people and have overlooked Reliable Robyn, who's actually also really funny & likes the same sport you follow, or Quiet Sophie who takes longer to warm up with a group but is actually a bloody brilliant companion for the watercolour class you love.

Find the decent people in your life and value them.

This is so true.

I'm reliable Robyn. I still have super-fun Claire and co in my life but I don't prioritise them any more (e.g. I don't arrange things that are a bit inconvenient for me now) and I do anticipate they'll flake sometimes.

I focus more on reliable Robyn 2 and Quiet Sophie more and am much happier.

BettyBardMacDonald · 08/02/2025 08:26

PullTheBricksDown · 07/02/2025 19:58

If you're happy to just go alone if needs be, then no, you don't have to compromise. Message and say 'ah, I'm tied into going at X time so if you can make it then great, if not we'll meet up another time'. You may find she'd prefer to go later, but will agree to your time if you stick with it.

This.

"Afraid I've already booked for x time; let me know if you find you can make it."

Ankhmo · 08/02/2025 08:29

"Exchanged messages"

There's your problem.
Phones can also be used to make a call. Hth

SpringBunnyHopHop · 08/02/2025 08:30

Just tell her you can’t do later. She’s off work so she can be there, she just doesn’t want to bother by the sounds of it.

Coconutter24 · 08/02/2025 08:37

niadainud · 07/02/2025 19:46

In summary: my friend kept me waiting a long time to confirm and now wants to keep me waiting before meeting as well.

You are being a GOW, if someone doesn’t confirm you can’t go ahead and book what is convenient just for you and then expect everyone to be ok with it. She’s told you it’s not a convenient time, you’ve gone ahead and thought only about your needs and life and booked it Yabvu

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 09/02/2025 11:57

niadainud · 07/02/2025 20:09

Because I don't think they will be happy for me to be using a table and not ordering food for half an hour - they say in the confirmation they will only keep the table for ten minutes. Plus I'll be very hungry!

Show quote history

They'll only keep the table for 10 minutes for a no show. You'll be showing up and be entitled to have a drink while you wait for your friend to arrive

MasterBeth · 09/02/2025 12:05

niadainud · 07/02/2025 21:03

I told her when I had in mind (totally standard time for lunch) last Saturday. She could have told me sooner if that time was going to be unsuitable.

Show quote history

She may not have yet known or decided if that time was suitable for her. You should have given her a deadline to reply to if you were so desperate to know. You shouldn't assume everyone runs to such a tight timetable as you or is so inflexible that they're not able to amuse themselves for a short time.

I voted YABU because you seem to only be thinking of your own preferences.

Original poster
niadainud · 09/02/2025 14:45

roses2 · 07/02/2025 21:42

Is the restaurant now fully booked? If yes they probably have a table turnaround time of 1.5/2 hours so it wouldn't work if she joins you 30 minutes after the booking time.

Yes, it was totally full.

OP posts:
Original poster
niadainud · 09/02/2025 14:48

BarneyRonson · 07/02/2025 23:06

Neither of you have done anything wrong, you’re probably both a bit disgruntled, from poor communication. If you like each other any GOW will dissolve as soon as you see each other. If you don’t really like each other much you’ll find out when you notice you’re holding a grudge.

It was absolutely fine - we had a nice time (and she wasn't late). But I was right to book as it was rammed.

OP posts:
Original poster
niadainud · 09/02/2025 14:48

MasterBeth · 09/02/2025 12:05

She may not have yet known or decided if that time was suitable for her. You should have given her a deadline to reply to if you were so desperate to know. You shouldn't assume everyone runs to such a tight timetable as you or is so inflexible that they're not able to amuse themselves for a short time.

I voted YABU because you seem to only be thinking of your own preferences.

Show quote history

Yes, perhaps - I just didn't want to hassle her once she stopped replying.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread