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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To forgive someone - that won’t apologise?

59 replies

Sunandpeace · 07/02/2025 14:49

I will give the backstory. I lived in Europe for a while and returned to Scotland about 10 years ago. On return I reconnected with three friends who I’ve now known about 25 years.
I found it harder to make friends being back and once again we became close, doing a lot of things together.

1.5 years ago following a conversation, one of the friends accused me of doing something I didn’t do - then text the group that. I was devastated as I take treating people very seriously and did not. She told me not to contact her. That was also v hard as my natural inclination would be to resolve right away. To be honest, I suffered with this everyday as I thought she was such a good friend. She also never messaged again in the group.

I left it over 9 months and wrote an email saying I was sorry on my side for anything I might have done or misunderstood (even though I don’t believe I did anything wrong.) I expected her to apologise for wrongly accusing me. But she did not.

A couple of months ago and she reached out asking if I wanted to come to an event with the group of friends. I was shocked she was in touch and considered for a while what to do. I decided to be honest (which was more effort, but I am sincere and would like to resolve) so I said I’ve realised why I still feel badly - because she has not apologised. And whilst it may not resolve after all this time, it might help. She said that ‘what happened, happened’ and didn’t ask for an apology and wouldn’t be giving one.

Her final comments were me not agreeing to meet up is effecting the group.. and she feels sorry for the other friends.. 🤦‍♀️ I don’t know if she was trying to make me feel badly, but if so, it worked.

Essentially she accused me of something, had a very long tantrum and now she has finished, wants me to meet up without an apology.

I have tried to forgive her without an apology, but I simply do not feel ok. My only other alterative is to try to forget her. Unfortunately we have to meet at group events sometimes. All this time, I would have loved to have resolved, bar it doesn’t seem possible.

You may ask what she accused me of. She was pregnant and had decided not to come to our wedding. I was upset by this, but had accepted it. She said I was trying to make her feel guilty, which I definitely was not. Separately, I have since had a daughter myself, and would definitely still be there for someone at that time, but that’s irrelevant.

My question:

AIBU: to not find a way to forgive?
If so, I would be glad of any techniques to do so.

YANBU: to still feel badly and probably best to try to forget her and move on.

OP posts:
username299 · 07/02/2025 14:54

I expected her to have done far worse given the drama. She accused you of making her feel guilty and didn't come up to your wedding. If you didn't mind her not coming, that's fine. Her saying you made her feel guilty is just something people say.

I would move on. Meet up.

Hoppinggreen · 07/02/2025 14:55

An apology would be meaningless anyway, she's not sorry.
I would not forgive or move on either BUT if it was the only way I wouldn't be excluded from group events I would find a way to tolerate her presence

Original poster
Sunandpeace · 07/02/2025 14:56

My husband has suggested I take up new interests.. there are lots of outdoor things to do where we live in Scotland.

It has been very hard to loose the group of friends as it was. But perhaps as you get older, it is more realistic to have individual friends, rather than a group anyway?

OP posts:
Idontjetwashthefucker · 07/02/2025 14:57

Why does she feel you made her feel guilty, how did you react when she declined?

Gemmawemma9 · 07/02/2025 14:57

I was totally with you up until you said what the allegation was.
What an absolute mountain out of a molehill. You are both being ridiculous.

Justkeepingplatesspinning · 07/02/2025 14:58

You're never going to able to move past this as she will bear a grudge and quite possibly throw back in your face that you expected an apology for lying about you. She's happy to try to guilt you about it too, trying to drag others into it.
I'd decide to accept that she isn't going to apologise, and drop her completely. Why would you want her as an acquaintance, let alone a friend?

Snackler · 07/02/2025 15:00

Yeah this is pretty minor. If you need to be around her because of the group stuff, just be moderately friendly and polite and move on.

In general though, forgiving someone is something you do privately, and you may or may not decide to tell them about it. It only benefits you, not them, and is a process where you work on your feelings about the event and get to a place where you no longer feel angry/bitter. You don't have to be friends with them again or trust them again or pretend it didn't happen. Forgiving is about your own feelings. So if it would help you (hint: it usually does) then work on forgiving the person. But you don't need to tell them if you don't want to.

Redsound · 07/02/2025 15:01

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Gemmawemma9 · 07/02/2025 15:02

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Agreed! You definitely did guilt her!!

Redsound · 07/02/2025 15:03

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twoshedsjackson · 07/02/2025 15:03

For your own sake, you should try to forgive, so that it does not eat you up, but I appreciate that will be very hard for you. My natural inclination is to hold grudges!
However, it is something you will never forget, and you would be quite justified in being cautious about her in future. Your disinclination to be a doormat shows that you have appropriate boundaries; you know that you deserve an apology, but you have other matters to merit your intention - especially the baby - congratulations!
As for other friends being affected; they will hold whatever opinion they choose to hold, and it seems to me that her attempt at guilt-tripping you would suggest that, deep down, she knows that she owes you an apology.
If group meetings crop up, it should be perfectly possible to tactfully avoid her, whilst remaining civil.

Original poster
Sunandpeace · 07/02/2025 15:04

@Hoppinggreen we still meet up as a group of three.

@Gemmawemma9 I didn’t do anything to make her feel guilty. I included all details, so need for people to ask later.

OP posts:
MsAnnFrope · 07/02/2025 15:04

Is there any truth in what she said about you guilting her? Although regardless of that I’d rather not be friends with someone emotionally manipulative which is how I think she is behaving.
can you see the others separately?

Original poster
Sunandpeace · 07/02/2025 15:06

@MsAnnFrope no, there isn’t any truth about her saying I made her feel guilty.

She later told one of the group her family member had made her feel that growing up, it had nothing to do with me..

OP posts:
twoshedsjackson · 07/02/2025 15:08

I hadn't realised it was only a group of three; that's a whole different dynamic to mingling with other folk in the group. I think the third party might end up feeling very awkward.......

BremeCrulee · 07/02/2025 15:08

You invited friend to wedding.
She declined as she was pregnant.
You let her know you were upset but accepted her decision.
She interpreted your response as you trying to make her feel guilty.
She messaged group that you were making her feel guilty.
You messaged group saying that was not your intention and left group.
9 months pass.
Friend has reached out for you to come to event.
You declined invite as you want an apology.

Is this correct?

To be fair you can't really say you didn't make her feel guilty if that's her interpretation? Perhaps it wasn't your intention but from her perspective that's how it may have felt? Especially when you factor in pregancy hormones.

This seems like a very insignificant misunderstanding and if you've struggled to reconcile in the intervening time either the friendship wasn't as strong as you think it was or everyone involved has too fragile an ego.

I think you either accept you want get an apology and moved forward in rekindling the friendship as best you can, or you part ways and continue to be civil on the rare occasion you need to endure each others company.

Mangoesintoapub · 07/02/2025 15:09

It’s perfectly possible that she believes you made her feel guilty even though you know you didn’t intend to.

But more importantly, this is a lot of fuss about nothing. Just move on and put it behind you.

paranoiaofpufflings · 07/02/2025 15:10

"You may ask what she accused me of. She was pregnant and had decided not to come to our wedding. I was upset by this, but had accepted it. She said I was trying to make her feel guilty, which I definitely was not. Separately, I have since had a daughter myself, and would definitely still be there for someone at that time, but that’s irrelevant."

"but that's irrelevant"

It's not irrelevant... it's very relevant.

She accused you of trying to make her feel guilty for not attending your wedding - very acceptable not to come to a wedding for any reason, but especially being pregnant.

You say you were not trying to make her feel guilty, but then immediately say you've since been pregnant and would never do what she did. You are clearly bitter about her choice and you probably did make her feel guilty, whether you intended to or not.

Can you forgive if she doesn't apologise? To be honest that's not really the question you need to consider. It's whether the two of you should bother with each other. It doesn't sound like either of you like or respect the other. You haven't been in touch with her for months. She's in touch now because it's convenient for "the group". It's hardly the foundation of a healthy and meaningful friendship.

If I were you I'd forget it and move on.

IroningBoardAgainstTheWall · 07/02/2025 15:13

Wow, here's me thinking she accused you if stealing money from her nan and using that money to buy drugs that you sold to her kids.

Such drama.

IroningBoardAgainstTheWall · 07/02/2025 15:14

Anyway,OP, why don't you apologise to her for making her feel guilty?

Or at least apologise for any upset you may have caused.

Theunamedcat · 07/02/2025 15:15

Just tell her you forgive her for lying about you but your preference is that you are no longer close friends

It will absolutely piss her off

Also her guilt is her issue unless you were hounding her and screaming dramatically banging her door down endless texts about how she needs to be supportive just telling someone your disappointed hurts no-one in fact it shows people that they are cared about 🤷‍♀️

ItGhoul · 07/02/2025 15:16

You may ask what she accused me of. She was pregnant and had decided not to come to our wedding. I was upset by this, but had accepted it. She said I was trying to make her feel guilty, which I definitely was not

Is... that all?

whitbywaves · 07/02/2025 15:16

Is this it? Like others I was expecting something far more serious.

If I was you (and of course I was not) I would apologise myself and move on.

By the way, my best friend did not come to my wedding. We laugh about it now.

nodramaplz · 07/02/2025 15:17

You must have said something to put across that you were upset.
She picked up on it, it wasn't just a good guess.

Jux · 07/02/2025 15:27

well, you haven't forgiven her have you? That much is clear.
You want an apology from someone who thinks they've done nothing to apologise for, so you ain't gonna get one.
Be a grown up. You're part of a bigger group, nod politely when you come face to face, avoid sitting next to each other and that'll be everyone happy.