To forgive someone - that won’t apologise?

[Sunandpeace]

I will give the backstory. I lived in Europe for a while and returned to Scotland about 10 years ago. On return I reconnected with three friends who I’ve now known about 25 years.
I found it harder to make friends being back and once again we became close, doing a lot of things together.

1.5 years ago following a conversation, one of the friends accused me of doing something I didn’t do - then text the group that. I was devastated as I take treating people very seriously and did not. She told me not to contact her. That was also v hard as my natural inclination would be to resolve right away. To be honest, I suffered with this everyday as I thought she was such a good friend. She also never messaged again in the group.

I left it over 9 months and wrote an email saying I was sorry on my side for anything I might have done or misunderstood (even though I don’t believe I did anything wrong.) I expected her to apologise for wrongly accusing me. But she did not.

A couple of months ago and she reached out asking if I wanted to come to an event with the group of friends. I was shocked she was in touch and considered for a while what to do. I decided to be honest (which was more effort, but I am sincere and would like to resolve) so I said I’ve realised why I still feel badly - because she has not apologised. And whilst it may not resolve after all this time, it might help. She said that ‘what happened, happened’ and didn’t ask for an apology and wouldn’t be giving one.

Her final comments were me not agreeing to meet up is effecting the group.. and she feels sorry for the other friends.. 🤦‍♀️ I don’t know if she was trying to make me feel badly, but if so, it worked.

Essentially she accused me of something, had a very long tantrum and now she has finished, wants me to meet up without an apology.

I have tried to forgive her without an apology, but I simply do not feel ok. My only other alterative is to try to forget her. Unfortunately we have to meet at group events sometimes. All this time, I would have loved to have resolved, bar it doesn’t seem possible.

You may ask what she accused me of. She was pregnant and had decided not to come to our wedding. I was upset by this, but had accepted it. She said I was trying to make her feel guilty, which I definitely was not. Separately, I have since had a daughter myself, and would definitely still be there for someone at that time, but that’s irrelevant.

My question:

AIBU: to not find a way to forgive?
If so, I would be glad of any techniques to do so.

YANBU: to still feel badly and probably best to try to forget her and move on.

How childish this is.

She’s extended the olive branch, it’s up to you if you want to try and mend the friendship. It seems like a load of drama out of nothing and I tend to think she’s right - what happened happened. You both felt how you did even if you didn’t mean to make her feel guilty.

I thought you were going to say she accused you of sleeping with her husband or something.

I wouldn't be so stubborn about an apology. It's in the past. You both were at fault so just let it go. You hurt each others' feelings, whether you meant to or not, and she's managed to get over it. You should try to as well.

I think you’re being ridiculous. It’s not as black and white as her lying about you. She felt you made her feel guilty. You didn’t intend to make her feel bad. Whatever.
I thought it was going to be something awful and demonstrably true or false like saying you stole something.

I think you should do things as a 4 again rather than forcing the poor two bystanders to always choose between you. You don’t need to be besties but surely you can tolerate her in a group. I also feel sorry for your mutual friends.

This is needless drama but two stubborn people.

It's not a big enough issue for either of you to get over imo but you obviously think differently.

This.
To lose a whole group of friends because you won’t accept that her feelings are her feelings seems madness.

What you say is right but actually it's not easy to move on with someone who is this arrogant. She ignored op then reached out.. made a fuss then doesn't want a fuss.. honestly that's not easy to unsee for some ppl...

Then the OP can choose to ignore my advice.

I can't work out if you want an apology for her missing your wedding or an apology for her saying you made her feel guilty when you claim you didn't. News flash - even if you didn't mean to make her feel guilty she clearly did feel guilty so you should just say sorry to her as that wasn't your intention. You clearly have a bee in your bonnet that she missed your wedding for a reason you think is not good enough. Talk about making a mountain out of a mole hill.

It sounds like you're going to cut your nose off to spite your face.

You haven't forgiven her. She's not going to apologise (some people can never accept their part in things even in the most obvious of circumstances). It all sounds really immature on both sides.

Would I walk away from this group of friends just because she's in the cohort? No
Would I be wary of this woman on-going that she can twist stuff to make others seem bad. Absolutely.

Sounds like friends are hard to come by in your neck of the woods so I would probably go along but be circumspect when it come to her.

Same here. Absolutely ridiculous.

She is not sorry and doesn’t want your forgiveness. Nobody is perfect and everyone does annoying things. Her text to the group sounds dramatic and annoying. You wanting an apology so you can dole out forgiveness sounds patronising and annoying. It is all over something quite minor so maybe it is just that you get on each other's nerves. For the sake of the group I would let it go and just be polite to her.

Grow up, honestly.

She was pregnant and had decided not to come to our wedding.

I was upset by this, but had accepted it.

She said I was trying to make her feel guilty, which I definitely was not.

Separately, I have since had a daughter myself, and would definitely still be there for someone at that time, but that’s irrelevant.

So the crux of this is that you believed that she "should have been there for you" when you got married, yet she was pregnant at the time and felt unable to.

Can you see that this is two people going round in a circle and really, not what friends do to each other? I hate to say it but it's no irrelevant that you feel that you would definitely still "be there" for someone at that time ie you'd have gone to her wedding when you were pregnant. It's actually the most relevant thing in the whole post and explans why you might have been giving off upset vibes, and in turn she felt guilty.

You need to just grow up , she is entitled to feel how she feels or felt and if you can’t accept that without an actual apology then that’s that . The fact that you said you didn’t make her feel guilty is irrelevant because she feels you did , be it perceived tone or whatever . The fact that you’ve gone on to say that you’ve now had a child and still would have attended just reinforces that she probably did feel judged .

She sounds childish and needy. You can’t make anyone feel anything, so saying ‘you made her feel guilty’ is clearly bollocks. To then try to bring others into her made up drama is pretty pathetic.

She’s clearly not going to apologise unless she makes it into a big thing with an audience present, so in your shoes, limit your interactions with her as far as possible to polite indifference.

Sometimes I feel bad that I don't really have any friends... then I read things like this and I realise that I really don't have time for such utter bullcrap

I think you are being unreasonable OP.

You can't tell people how to feel or not feel! Your attitude towards her is very belittling, saying she's been "tantrumming" for 9 months, when actually she just told you how you made her feel then when you refused to acknowledge it, she asked you not to contact her.. Then you saying you would 'support someone while you were pregnant' by going to their wedding means you think you had a right to be upset that she declined an invite to yours.. then demanding an apology from her.. it's all sounds very me me me on your part.

You said you were upset.. so how exactly did that manifest? There must have been something in it for the rest of the group to not intervene on your behalf? Whatever it was it made her feel guilty and she's had an issue of people guilting her for things since childhood.

She has offered to let it all go, but you are the one demanding an apology before you will consider letting it be water under the bridge.

From the information you have given, you aren't owed one, getting upset at someone for not coming to your wedding is never going to be received well, and if you made her feel guilty over it, then you were the one in the wrong.

Get over yourself OP.

Mountain out of a molehill springs to mind. Like other posters, I was with you until you said what the non event was.

The only people a wedding is of any real importance to is the couple getting married. Friends, relatives, neighbours, whoever is invited, all reserve the right to say 'no thanks' to the invitation.

You, as the invitee, should accept people declining the invitation with good grace. Pregnant or not, it's not compulsory to attend a wedding and you guilt tripping someone for not attending was not the right thing to do.

You don’t have to forgive her. She’s not asking for your forgiveness and it doesn’t sound like she’s interested in getting it.

You could just let it, and her, go. Whether that takes the form of meeting up as a four again, and being friendly but acquaintances rather than friends, or whether you just want to wish her well, tell her you don’t hold any ill wishes towards her, but that you don’t really have any interest in spending time together like you used to, only you can tell. But you get that relief from it still being a part of your life.

Hmmmm. Personally I wouldn't apologise if I thought i wasn't in the wrong, but equally wouldn't expect an apology either - sometimes as adults you just have to agree to disagree.

Being honest, what you've fallen out about seems really petty. You say you were fine with her not coming to your wedding but were upset - it's probably the being upset part that has been interpreted as making her feel bad and I wonder how you conveyed that.

All that aside, i think you are both guilty of being petty - its not a big deal to not come to your wedding but equally no one can make her feel guilty, if she felt that way maybe it's because she was just using the pregnancy as an excuse! You're both grown women, surely you both have more important things to focus on than this - just agree to disagree and put it to bed!

Hmmm....I read the beginning of your post and assumed she had accused you of something that is clearly to everybody factually not true, like stealing someone's purse or looking through their phone - either you did it or you didn't. But the actual thing you were accused of is a very subjective thing and she clearly has an opinion on whether you 'did it' or not. Clearly she felt that you wanted her to feel guilty and bad about her decision - you say you didn't, but if that's how she felt anyway, then it is not a situation where you can say 'I didn't do it so you must apologise'. Your later comment about 'I would have been there for a friend' when you were pregnant also speaks volumes about what you really felt about her non-attendance.

If you want to re-integrate into the group, you need to move on, because you're being quite unfair and very unrealistic insisting on an apology for something so individually subjective. I can imagine being in her situation and thinking why on earth should I apologise, that's how I felt, in part by the upset/displeasure my friend (you) communicated.

I think....move on, this isn't a clear cut situation and there is little to be gained by holding onto resentment over something so vague as how somebody felt all that time ago.

this just seems too much drama for grown ups

yes I have many times in life forgiven people for things they did not apologise for - it's very healing!

I don't understand the point you're making, obviously she can ignore your advice if she wants 🙄 . If you can't handle being quoted don't post.