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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To forgive someone - that won’t apologise?

59 replies

Sunandpeace · 07/02/2025 14:49

I will give the backstory. I lived in Europe for a while and returned to Scotland about 10 years ago. On return I reconnected with three friends who I’ve now known about 25 years.
I found it harder to make friends being back and once again we became close, doing a lot of things together.

1.5 years ago following a conversation, one of the friends accused me of doing something I didn’t do - then text the group that. I was devastated as I take treating people very seriously and did not. She told me not to contact her. That was also v hard as my natural inclination would be to resolve right away. To be honest, I suffered with this everyday as I thought she was such a good friend. She also never messaged again in the group.

I left it over 9 months and wrote an email saying I was sorry on my side for anything I might have done or misunderstood (even though I don’t believe I did anything wrong.) I expected her to apologise for wrongly accusing me. But she did not.

A couple of months ago and she reached out asking if I wanted to come to an event with the group of friends. I was shocked she was in touch and considered for a while what to do. I decided to be honest (which was more effort, but I am sincere and would like to resolve) so I said I’ve realised why I still feel badly - because she has not apologised. And whilst it may not resolve after all this time, it might help. She said that ‘what happened, happened’ and didn’t ask for an apology and wouldn’t be giving one.

Her final comments were me not agreeing to meet up is effecting the group.. and she feels sorry for the other friends.. 🤦‍♀️ I don’t know if she was trying to make me feel badly, but if so, it worked.

Essentially she accused me of something, had a very long tantrum and now she has finished, wants me to meet up without an apology.

I have tried to forgive her without an apology, but I simply do not feel ok. My only other alterative is to try to forget her. Unfortunately we have to meet at group events sometimes. All this time, I would have loved to have resolved, bar it doesn’t seem possible.

You may ask what she accused me of. She was pregnant and had decided not to come to our wedding. I was upset by this, but had accepted it. She said I was trying to make her feel guilty, which I definitely was not. Separately, I have since had a daughter myself, and would definitely still be there for someone at that time, but that’s irrelevant.

My question:

AIBU: to not find a way to forgive?
If so, I would be glad of any techniques to do so.

YANBU: to still feel badly and probably best to try to forget her and move on.

OP posts:
Herewegoagainandagainandagain · 07/02/2025 17:00

Sounds like you fell out competing over whether your wedding or her pregnancy warranted the more upset.

Really you should have understood her declining of her invitation without feeling "upset" and she shouldn't have been "upset" you were upset.

You are now trying to force an apology from her for because you are upset she was upset you were upset............see how ridiculous it is getting.

Accept it has gotten out of control, genuinely just draw line under it - no more conversation needed, meet up, hug and get on with life. Or leave the group and stop everything feeling awkward over nonsense. Up to you.

username299 · 07/02/2025 17:08

MellowCritic · 07/02/2025 16:58

I don't understand the point you're making, obviously she can ignore your advice if she wants 🙄 . If you can't handle being quoted don't post.

Show quote history

🙄

Furore · 07/02/2025 18:01

Friendship groups can only survive if people show tolerance and forgiveness.
She could have had alot on her plate psychologically and healthwise being pregnant. Most people think it was her choice to make to not to come to your wedding. I can also understand its not easy in a group of 4 to feel comfortable now so much time has elapsed since the original incident.

But, in any group or friendship people do and say annoying things from time to time. You wouldnt be friends with anyone over 25 years if you werent prepared to just overlook minor gripes, and comments.

In your situation. I think id say, thankyou for approaching to try and resolve this. Lets put it behind us and move on. I think that you shouldnt let anymore time elapse as this opportunity to sort it out wont exist forever.

Rachie1973 · 07/02/2025 20:18

Sunandpeace · 07/02/2025 14:49

I will give the backstory. I lived in Europe for a while and returned to Scotland about 10 years ago. On return I reconnected with three friends who I’ve now known about 25 years.
I found it harder to make friends being back and once again we became close, doing a lot of things together.

1.5 years ago following a conversation, one of the friends accused me of doing something I didn’t do - then text the group that. I was devastated as I take treating people very seriously and did not. She told me not to contact her. That was also v hard as my natural inclination would be to resolve right away. To be honest, I suffered with this everyday as I thought she was such a good friend. She also never messaged again in the group.

I left it over 9 months and wrote an email saying I was sorry on my side for anything I might have done or misunderstood (even though I don’t believe I did anything wrong.) I expected her to apologise for wrongly accusing me. But she did not.

A couple of months ago and she reached out asking if I wanted to come to an event with the group of friends. I was shocked she was in touch and considered for a while what to do. I decided to be honest (which was more effort, but I am sincere and would like to resolve) so I said I’ve realised why I still feel badly - because she has not apologised. And whilst it may not resolve after all this time, it might help. She said that ‘what happened, happened’ and didn’t ask for an apology and wouldn’t be giving one.

Her final comments were me not agreeing to meet up is effecting the group.. and she feels sorry for the other friends.. 🤦‍♀️ I don’t know if she was trying to make me feel badly, but if so, it worked.

Essentially she accused me of something, had a very long tantrum and now she has finished, wants me to meet up without an apology.

I have tried to forgive her without an apology, but I simply do not feel ok. My only other alterative is to try to forget her. Unfortunately we have to meet at group events sometimes. All this time, I would have loved to have resolved, bar it doesn’t seem possible.

You may ask what she accused me of. She was pregnant and had decided not to come to our wedding. I was upset by this, but had accepted it. She said I was trying to make her feel guilty, which I definitely was not. Separately, I have since had a daughter myself, and would definitely still be there for someone at that time, but that’s irrelevant.

My question:

AIBU: to not find a way to forgive?
If so, I would be glad of any techniques to do so.

YANBU: to still feel badly and probably best to try to forget her and move on.

Omg how old are you? This is so wet!

You both claim to have been made to feel bad by the other so shows how easy that happens.

Get over it and get on with it. Or cut off your nose to spite your face.

Errors · 07/02/2025 20:28

Why are the friend’s feelings relevant but not the OP’s?

Nationsss · 07/02/2025 20:39

See the other people separately.
I wouldn't want to meet her again.
Its over.

Thepossibility · 07/02/2025 20:59

So you want her to apologise for feeling a feeling or for expressing that she was feeling a feeling?
Gently, you are being silly.

WhateverEh · 07/02/2025 21:49

sounds like a storm in a teacup. Just let it go. Pointless holding lots of weight on something so small. She felt one way, you felt the other and that’s all.

Whatwouldyoudonext333 · 08/02/2025 10:09

I’d let it go.

but I understand how you’d be angry about the lack of apology. I get it.

I lost a friend after a minor argument - which in itself was minor. I just stopped bothering with her. But it really brought up how she didn’t treat me very well. She was one of those who dropped people when she had a boyfriend.

A year later, she got in touch but wanted to brush it under the carpet and not even say ‘sorry’ for her part in it. I wanted to let it go, but it wasn’t about the actual argument by that time, it was the total lack of respect for my feelings.

having said all that, I’d let it go if it’s a group friendship.just dont forget.

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