Mismatched sex drives issues

[Pops5]

Dh and I are currently working through a bad patch. We have been married 10y and we have two young kids under 6. I have a low sex drive, him high. It has always been a bit of a contentious issue but now exacerbated by being knackered all the time. About 3m ago we were on the verge of separation but we have both been in therapy and managed to bring things round. Dh agreed to lower expectations / reduce pressure. Things have been better.

Lately he has been complaining that he is often frustrated and never has time to relieve himself (something his therapist suggested he needs to do more often) then last week he asked me if I would mind if he did it in bed! to which I replied an expletive and he got the message. He then mentioned it again and said he thought it would bring us closer together and I could possibly join in and help him!?

I explained that the frustration was nothing to do with me and it was his problem to solve himself.

Explained again that if this is going to work I need to feel - no pressure whatsoever - to be intimate with him. I am feeling particularly shit right now, completely burnt out and waiting to go on antidepressants. Not feeling sexy at all.

Now he has said can I please stop making sexual jokes or innuendos and can I stop looking when he is getting changed as this is apparently mixed messages and confusing for him.

Feels very cut your nose off to spite your face. Aibu to be outraged?

Why are you making sexual jokes and innuendos?

because i'm a human adult?

What would you like his reaction to the innuendoes to be?

i mean I know what it feels like to go off sex, and for a period of time when we had young kids we had Tuesday and Saturday scheduled sex. But I don't get why you make suggestions and then moan when he picks up on them

Does sound like mixed messages.

Check deadbedrooms on reddit to have some insight into how your husband might be feeling.

Hang on then… so if say, I make a joke about a banana looking like a willy that is mixed messages saying “i am up for it!!” ?

I 100% see his POV.

You want to have your cake and eat it too. You have a low sex drive, and he is struggling with that. He is now trying to back off a bit (not pressuring you), and finding alternatives (masturbation). If he is doing this, the least you could do is not make any sexual comments/innuendos, which are definitely mixed messages.

Think about it... you don't want him to comment, which puts pressure on you, but you're not willing to stop your own comments, which gives him hope for more.

Erm… “oh my depressed wife is making lighthearted fun, doesnt mean she wants to go here and now?”

I dont make suggestions.

I think you are fundamentally incompatible and have completely different attitudes to sex and its importance.

I’m sure people will be on this thread saying that your DH is a disgusting sex fiend who just wants to be serviced etc but I actually have some sympathy with him here. It sounds as if it isn’t just low libido that’s your issue, but that you’re actively repulsed by the fact that he has sexual urges.

Currently, being able to masturbate is presumably pretty much his only sexual outlet and I strongly suspect he is finding that lonely and miserable. It’s clearly not just the physical release that he’s missing, and it sounds to me as if he wants some kind of closeness and intimacy rather than just an orgasm. I can see why he has wondered if there might be a way of having that kind of intimacy without full sex.

Of course, if you’re not up for that, that is totally your choice and you don’t have to do it. You’re completely entitled not to want to. Nobody should be doing anything they don’t want or like. But I think your reaction of complete revulsion and ‘wtf’ was a bit extreme. What he asked wasn’t really anything outlandish or gross or abnormal. Plenty of people do like to watch their partner and get turned on by it. Fine to say no, but I think you could perhaps have said no without implying that he was being weird/disgusting to ask.

You can’t help your low libido; that isn’t your fault. But I don’t think acting as if your husband is some kind of pig just for making a suggestion is especially fair.

The sexual jokes thing seems odd to me. How many are you making, for this to be an issue?

Maybe not, but what he's hearing is 'my wife is thinking about penises and sex'.

It's like talking about alcohol around someone who is a recovering alcoholic. No, you're not waving bottles in his face, but you're not exactly helping him keep his mind off it.

But heres the thing, I do want it… but the constant pressure (things like saying “oh i had so many rude dreams about you last night”) is really offputting.
We cuddle, kiss, touch a lot. Its not like we have no intimacy.

I think your reaction to his suggestion of wanking in bed was pretty unkind actually. He's literally suggesting what the therapist did.

It does read like you find him disgusting.

He's trying really hard and I feel a bit sorry for him. Obviously you shouldn't have to do anything you don't want to but it does feel like he's making an effort and you don't mention how you are making an effort?

Honestly? It sounds like you hate him and resent the fact that he has a sex drive at all. You sound very angry, not just with your husband but with people replying to you here too. I also suffer from depression, and I’m wondering whether your reactions are driven by that, or whether you just dislike your husband and want out of your marriage.

Poor bloke.

Poor man, having to live with someone who is repulsed by him.

Why don’t you just split up?

No you sound like a 14 year old boy

If he has time to wank in bed he has time to go in to the bathroom or wherever and do it there. By suggesting he do it in bed beside you he is involving you when you have been clear you don't want that. You don't say how often you have sex or how often he wants it (and you don't have to) so it's difficult to say if he is unreasonable in wanting it more often, but you certainly can't help it if the urge isn't there.

How long is the wait for antidepressants? Could you chase your GP?

I've been in that place where I was so angry with my dh that I regarded sex as something he demanded from me and just felt relieved every day I got away with not having it. Ultimately he really isn't your enemy.

YANBU.
Happy to have a husband who is 75 and therefore doesn't pester anymore.
You would be better off without sex being mentioned as constantly the "problem" at the back of your mind.
Ugh. After years and years....😐

Sounds like you have some quite deep issues and building resentment on both sides in your relationship. There's a lot to resolve with both of you before you are going to be able to comfortably be intimate with one another. It sounds like neither of your behaviour is helping at the moment.

OK, so you have a low libido and he has a high one.
You both knew this when you got married - well that is a risk.
Things got more severe after children - predictable.
You are uncomfortable if he initiates sex or discusses it - perfectly fine.
He feels distant and/or rejected by lack of sex – perfectly normal.
He has adjusted to your request to lower expectations – all good.
He struggles to find time to relieve himself – predictable with family and work.
He want to relieve himself in bed, you swear at him – Errrrr. Right we have an issue.
He suggested some sort of intimacy short of sex – normal suggestion.
You tell him it is his problem – really building on the rejection thing here aren’t we.
You make sexual jokes and innuendos around him after repeatedly rejecting him – this is starting to sound weird.
He find your communication “mixed messages” and wants things to change – sounds like a reasonable request.
You are “outraged” – about what?

To be honest you sounds like you are not interested in him at all and frankly don’t like him. If you are in therapy and he is adjusting his expectations, exactly what are you doing? Is the therapy just how you manage him or ate you trying to learn anything about your behaviour and how to adjust? Saying you don’t want him relieving him self in the bed or that you don’t want to increase non-sexual intimacy are both fine, but swearing at him. The refusing to see his issues when he raises your communication?

You would be better off without sex being mentioned as constantly the "problem" at the back of your mind.

But it sounds like she keeps mentioning it….

men have a word/s for this

You do come across here as really angry op. Just an observation. It does also sound like you are giving mixed messages which must be really difficult for your DH. You both need to talk and agree boundaries etc, without anger or resentment - presumably you both want to fix this and stay married? Or do you?

Reading this, trying to keep up. You do seem to be giving mixed messages. I feel rather sorry for him. He's lowered his expectations and you don't seemed to have given any ground?