Mismatched sex drives issues

[Pops5]

Dh and I are currently working through a bad patch. We have been married 10y and we have two young kids under 6. I have a low sex drive, him high. It has always been a bit of a contentious issue but now exacerbated by being knackered all the time. About 3m ago we were on the verge of separation but we have both been in therapy and managed to bring things round. Dh agreed to lower expectations / reduce pressure. Things have been better.

Lately he has been complaining that he is often frustrated and never has time to relieve himself (something his therapist suggested he needs to do more often) then last week he asked me if I would mind if he did it in bed! to which I replied an expletive and he got the message. He then mentioned it again and said he thought it would bring us closer together and I could possibly join in and help him!?

I explained that the frustration was nothing to do with me and it was his problem to solve himself.

Explained again that if this is going to work I need to feel - no pressure whatsoever - to be intimate with him. I am feeling particularly shit right now, completely burnt out and waiting to go on antidepressants. Not feeling sexy at all.

Now he has said can I please stop making sexual jokes or innuendos and can I stop looking when he is getting changed as this is apparently mixed messages and confusing for him.

Feels very cut your nose off to spite your face. Aibu to be outraged?

yes of course as it would clearly be on your mind ?

If you're not interested in sex with him then yes, i think you're being unfair with the sexual innuendos and jokes

Alright, Im happy to be told I’m wrong here. Perhaps I have been too harsh. We have had problems in the past with coercive control (him) so perhaps why I’m a bit jumpy at him initiating more intimacy that I’m comfortable with.

The issue isn't with saying no. This issue is with swearing at him when he suggests it.

No one is required to do anything they don't want, and he asked if she was ok with this. Her response is the issue.
It is not a lot of effort to say:
"I don't want that as I feel like it is putting more pressure on me."
Than:
"WTF, no go somewhere else."

And in the long term the second is going to generate more problems down the line.

I get that your sex drive is low right now, but your husband telling you he fancies you so much he literally dreams about you shouldn't be offputting, IMO. Lots of people would be thrilled to still have that level of desire in their marriage. You can't force your sex drive nor do I think anyone should have sex they don't want at all, but I think it might be useful for you to try and tackle the level of disgust and irritation you seem to have with him: it's normal to fancy your wife, it's normal to want to have sex with her, it's normal to feel rejected and sexually frustrated if you're no longer having sex. It doesn't sound (to me, although ofc there's plenty of context missing) as though he's being awful - he's gone to therapy, he's doing what the therapist suggested. I think even the wanting to get off in the bedroom with you there is his way of a middle ground - less expectation for you, but still a sexual experience with his wife?

You don't have to have sex with him right now, but I do think you should try and have a bit more care for how he feels too.

I think you sound quite self-centred on this, everything is about what YOU want and need. You don’t want any sort of pressure, and perceive all sorts of things as pressure to have sex. You have asked him not to do these things and expect that to be stuck to completely- fair enough. But that does both ways- if you are asking him to respect your wishes and needs, then you need to do the same for him. He would rather you don’t do them, so if you respect his feelings then just do as he asks. why wouldn’t you?

As it happens, I think your response to him re masturbation/being involved was pretty harsh. You act as though any sexual contact is disgusting to you, unless on your terms, It is fine to say no, it is not fine to be unkind/ridiculing/trying to make him ashamed (which is how I would interpret that). What he is suggesting is something that many couples do, it’s not shameful or disgusting to everyone and maybe something he thought would be ok. Your style of rejection is deeply problematic, imho. It is absolutely your right to not have sex or any form of sexual contact that you do not want, and he absolutely has to be respect that. But there are ways to go about it. I think he is not the only one who needs to think about their behaviour.

Thank you for this.

You need to divorce. Depression and low drive notwithstanding - you have no empathy for how he is feeling.

He is doing his bit - and trying to deal with your low drive. But you won't let him wank in the bed? As his therapist suggested??? And in general - to release the frustration?
You think that you should be allowed to make references to sex because "you are human", but him mentioning he dreamed about it is "pressure"?

I have been where you are - not wanting sex with small children. I totally get it. And you feel how you feel about it.
But - if you love your H and don't want the marriage to break up - you need to come down from your pedestal (where only your feelings matter) and realise that you can't simply ignore his feelings. And you need to work on yourself too, not just wait for the issue to resolve itself magically.

If you are not willing to do your bit to try to help him and you as a family get through it - then just end it now. Life is too short to live in misery. And relationships without sex do not work - only accumulate resentments and become more and more unhappy.

Err, what?

Would anyone really be happy with their husband suggesting having a wank laid in bed next to them?

We do. Regularly. Sex drives currently also mis matched. Feels like the least I can do honestly.

Do you find him attractive, was sex ever good? I don't think anyone should force themselves to have a sexual relationship but nor do I believe someone should have to accept a sexless relationship.

You need to compromise or split, it sounds a very miserable situation. Did you really say that a banana looks like a 'willy'?

You sound really contemptuous of him, and contempt is poison in a relationship.

I think if you'd mentioned this in your op you might have got more understanding.

I have been in a relationship with someone who was controlling and passive aggressive and I recognised the suggestion to take care of himself in the bed with you next to him as a boundary crossing move.

I don't understand all the sympathy for the man. He knows she doesn't want to feel pressured or expected to do anything right now.

As for not looking at him when he's getting changed, that's just pathetic but if that's what he's asking then fine, don't look at him.

But his attitude of not trying to understand or take care of your boundaries is not going to help this relationship survive.

It's just not going to work is it? You are flogging a dead horse. You are incompatible and obviously have big issues beyond sex. Instead of both being miserable, end it amicably while you still can be, figure out your co-parenting and move on. It's such a waste of time.

In this circumstance I wouldn't mind at all. I'd probably lend a hand in all honestly.

As part of our sex life absolutely bring it on, but if sex was off the table for us as a couple for some reason and we had set down boundaries, then no I wouldn't like it.

Well, yes. Plenty of women like watching their partner touch himself. Men masturbating alone is one of the most popular subjects in porn watched/listened to by women. It’s fine if it isn’t your thing, and it’s fine if it isn’t the OP’s thing, but it’s not unusual or outlandish. Everyone likes different things.

When you don't want sex then having your partner masturbate next to you would he incredibly grim. YANBU there.

I also know how hard it is when your partner goes off sex. My ex did when I was pregnant. It never came back and we split.

Same. Not even from mis-matched drive, more from timing/inclination not always being aligned. I don't find it remotely disgusting, sometimes I'd just rather snooze and leave him to it and I understand it's much pleasanter to wank in a bed than a bathroom - I certainly prefer bed to bathroom wanks. And if I didn't want to be there while he was sorting himself out, there's no particular reason he'd have to go to the bathroom rather than me take myself elsewhere. There can be a default reaction (that perhaps OP was expecting) that men are sex-mad pervs who should hide their filthy business, whereas I think a lot of couples are more balanced across a marriage with some understanding/give and take. Obviously nothing should be forced or non-consensual but that's why clear communication is key so there's less risk of mixed messages, shame and blame.

You've had some strange replies on this thread. YANBU at all.

I would recommend separation tbh, you don't ever need to have sex that you don't want to. You are overworked and exhausted, he is not. I think that is usually the issue.

I don't know how a relationship can ever come back from sexual coercion, therapy or not. Should you even try to muster up desire to someone that has previously sexually abused you? It stays with you forever.

If you're still cuddling and kissing then 100% I would be up for him having a wank at the same time. It's just an extension of that intimacy surely? Sex IMO takes up more headspace and requires you to be much more involved mentally and physically where as this is a way to keep the intimacy and sex going without you having to be particularly involved. You're going to need clear boundaries though if you do it ie whether you'll have any involvement at all or not, where he's going to orgasm - on you? himself?

It sounds a bit like you have come to hate sex and anything to do with it, do you think that may have become the case? It also sounds like there might be a lot going on here that you haven't told us - what do you mean when you say there's been problems with coercive control?

Oh FFS, that’s quite the drip feed. Probably should have mentioned the coercive control at the start, because clearly that’s relevant.

Coercive control is a criminal offence and I’m not really sure why you’d be trying to work things out in those circumstances, rather than leaving.

But if you are determined to work things out, then as I said in my first post, this isn’t about the fact that you didn’t want to watch him have a wank. It’s about the fact that you reacted as if he was disgusting for even suggesting it.

I don’t think the OP said the previous coercion was actually sexual. I assumed non-sexual. If he has ever coerced her into sex he’s a rapist and she needs to leave. That would be a very different scenario to the one the OP has outlined.

I couldn't live in a sexless marriage. It sounds like he has made an effort since the therapy but how long do you expect him to wait?