Why doesn’t everyone sleep train?

[Goldstar88]

I know there’s always debate about the pros and cons of sleep training. I personally haven’t with my 13 month old (and they do still wake 1-2 times but sometimes sleep through). I often have friends telling me I just need to sleep train. My DC self settles, even in the night after a feed, so I have never thought it that necessary, albeit I’d like to have a reliable solid night’s sleep (wouldn’t everyone!).

I’m genuinely intrigued as to why if sleep training is the silver bullet it is touted to be by sleep experts and lots of parents, why doesn’t everyone do it? Surely it would be taught by every midwife etc and no one would ever face sleep deprivation after the newborn stage?

Am I, and lots of other parents, just being naive and missing out, making it hard for ourselves?

To be clear, I really don’t like the idea of leaving my DC to cry and I’m holding on to the hope they will eventually just sleep through as they get older…!

Because all babies are different, there's no magic bullet one size fits all and I can't imagine leaving them to cry until they give up calling for you, it's heartbreaking. But even saying that, one of our babies needed a few seconds to scream before settling to sleep, we only relaised when we were travelling and he'd have a big fuss in the car before settling every time. Tried it at home leaving him for just seconds before rushing back in and he was asleep. Youngest didn't sleep well ever, and we tried absolutely everything (other then leaving to cry), still doesn't and is nearly a teen - I suspect it's to do with how her brain is wired, imagine if we had put her through sleep training and it was something she just couldn't do.

Depends on the baby. At 4 months mine started waking up EVERY 40-60 MINUTES. ALL NIGHT. Not 2 or 3 times a night. But 10-12 times a night.

Cosleeping worked for a week and then he would require to actually be latched ON all night to be able to sleep. It was awful. We weren't functioning and baby was getting bags under his eyes! He was however self settling every once in a while, randomly, so we knew he was capable. And he had also randomly slept through the night when he was just shy of 4 months a few nights in a row.

25 minutes of crying in total on night no.1

5 minutes on night no.2

Then ZERO crying from night no.3.

I don't advocate people leave babies to cry for hours or until they're sick. You know your baby. But letting them cry for a bit is not the end of the world.

And my mother in law and my mum both said "sleep training" was not in their vocabulary. But they would put baby in a room and close the door and let them cry a bit. Same thing but no need for a label.

There also isn’t one way to sleep train, I also wouldn’t leave mine to cry indefinitely. I got lucky, brilliant sleeper always then one night around 18 months he wouldn’t go to bed. Point blank refusal, screaming. Got more and more tired and more and more agitated. Settled on me so I did an asleep transfer. Each night it got worse till they weren’t going down till 9.30 so each morning they were tired and sad, it was doing them harm. I did what I still think was a kind technique, left them for one minute went in and patted, then 2 mins, then 3 mins. Got to 4 mins for two nights and then it never happened again. I can’t see what’s cruel in that but I’m aware there are other techniques too

Because I will never ignore my babies cries.

We have full time jobs to attend to without being fired from, cars we need to drive safely, a relationship we wish to preserve without being tired and snappy, two children, one more elderly mum on one side who we need to look out for…we need sleep. It took a couple of days. Now we are all happy. Settled and secure children, rested parents. All good.

What a load of judgemental OTT bollocks.

We sleep trained at 8 months after our son was waking up every hour. No crying involved. Gradual retreat done over three weeks. At the end of it I had a baby who slept at night and had naps in his cot at predictable times. It changed our lives.

'because they put their needs above their child's'. Lord above.

With mine it felt like they were just crying as they were tired and needed to sleep. So picking them up would be counterproductive. I was using my instinct rather than something I'd read in a parenting book. It certainly wasn't leaving them to cry for long periods when they needed comforting.

The advice on timings and natural sleep patterns were invaluable and from a lot of research.
We noticed our boys fell in line with those exactly so we simply followed them. Putting what they needed to the forefront.
Each to their own.

This is exactly what we did. It’s a process that starts straight away and not when it’s got to a point where there’s an issue.
All babies have a natural routine and If it’s followed from the beginning there’s no crying involved.

Beautifully put and I agree. I had the same experience with my three. Well, actually it took a bit longer, they started sleeping long stretches at 3 months old and consistently sleeping through the night (9pm to 8am) from 6-8 months.

I think not everyone does it simply because a lot of people think they have to jump the moment baby stirs - sometimes waking them up when they might have just gone back to sleep on their own. There is a window of opportunity to establish sleep patterns and if you miss it, you're potentially in for years of pain.

I want to add, babies need sleep even more than adults do. Their developping brains need it. I can't help but wonder if all these diagnoses (many of which are linked to sleep disorders) aren't related to this issue. Getting babies to sleep is important and not just for the convenience of parents.

Because it's cruel.

This x100!!! Almost exactly the same experience here with my first. My second never needed help and has always loved to sleep. They are all different but a rested caregiver and baby is the best recipe for a happy home!

But sleep training is more than just leaving a baby to cry.foe ages.

I'd put mine to bed , if they cried then I'd go in and comfort them by patting ,shushing etc but light wasn't switched on nor did I pick them up

Also found it helpful to have something that smelled of u nesrby

Agree...We lived next door to a woman who did ''controlled crying'' which basically meant her leaving the poor little thing to shred his lungs for hours.

This is where I’m at with exhaustion and whilst we haven’t sleep trained her yet (mostly because my DP is away with work a lot at the moment and if I’m in there all she wants is milk) there have been a few nights when I have to just put her down and walk away as she’s so worked up. She’ll either grizzle and fall asleep or after 3 minutes or so of crying immediately fall asleep if I pick her up, so I can see it probably would work for her.

Whats put me off is her waking her sister while we go through it, and the fact that we sleep trained my eldest who got unwell a week later and then slept worse for 7-8 months.

It's not.

Yeah, it's disgusting. He also says even if your child vomits from the distress of crying and believing themselves abandoned, just clean them up with no eye contact then carry on.

He's a paediatrician, not a psychologist, and it shows.

In the history of child rearing, that's a new fad.

Because sleep isn't something you can train.

You can train your child that you won't come if they're crying and upset though, which goes against every parenting instinct I have.

Hi, what was your approach please? Did you follow a specific book/ advice etc? I'm pregnant with my first and need to work out what to do!

The kids not stopped crying because they're no longer distressed. They've stopped crying because they've learned there's no hope, and their parents don't care. If this happens repeatedly, the childs distress levels increase as a baseline, even if the child doesn't cry anymore. This can result in mental health issues as the kid grows up, or being generally an over distressed kid (which can even lead to physical health problems).

Why people think leaving kids to cry is at all a good idea is beyond me. The reason a cry is piercing and gets our attention is because we're supposed to respond to it. It's natural to respond to a child's cry. It's natural and ingrained for a reason. Because ignoring the distress of a young child is a bad bloody idea, especially during the night.

I have a 6mth DS who doesn't even self soothes. If i leave him to cry, that boy can cry 10mins straight without sleeping, so, I'm only hurting myself. I wish i knew a better way to get him to sleep too because we're still up at 11pm sometimes and although majority of the time, he's asleep by 10, we have to walk him, rock him etc before he falls asleep. I wish he was a 9pm-9am baby. He doesn't sleep more than 10hrs at night and then has 1-2hrs nap 3x during the day.

I did it with my first and although there were two nights of hell it worked a treat and now 10 years on he’s still fab at sleeping

did exactly the same with my second. Just an awful experience for both of us and didn’t work. We co-slept for years but 8 years on and he still struggles to settle

some kids just don’t benefit from it at all. That said from where I’m sitting it’s definitely worth a shot

We did the same. Got our 2 in a routine during the day by week 3. They had good daytime naps in their moses basket and settled well at night.

I found babies a doddle, maybe it was my laid back babies but I think it was our consistent routines.