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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask DH to be home by 11 during the week

58 replies

coverp · 06/02/2025 09:12

DH has a hobby. He likes to do this hobby as often as possible. He does it around 1 weekend day per month, plus another day a week during school holidays (he's a teacher). He also does on average one evening a week - more in the spring/summer when it's light and less in the winter. This works ok for me, although it is far more "me time" than I get.

We have 3 children under 5, including an 8mo baby. We have a great bedtime routine with them - they're usually all asleep/settled in their rooms by 7.30. The baby still sleeps downstairs with us (in a pram) until I go up to bed - she's usually quite unsettled until around 10/10.30 then sleeps well the rest of the night after a final feed.

I work 2 days in the office and 2 days at home. My 2 office days involve a 2-3hr commute each way, and I have to leave the house by 5.30am. I'm very tired at the end of these days.

DH has started "asking" to do his hobby on the evenings before my early start. He often doesn't get home until midnight or later, which means that either he wakes us up coming in (9/10 times) or I wait up until he gets back to head to bed.

I've asked that on the nights before I have an early start, that if he wants to go out, that he's back for 11. My preference would be that he chooses one of the other 5 nights to do the hobby, but hey ho, I thought this was a good compromise. He's begrudgingly agreed but given it all the eye rolling and muttering "not sure it's even worth going then".

Am I really being so unreasonable here?

OP posts:
Quercus3 · 06/02/2025 09:15

You are being beyond reasonable!

JustWantsSomeSleep · 06/02/2025 09:19

…what’s the hobby?

soarklyknobs · 06/02/2025 09:19

You have a 2-3hr commute EACH WAY, have to be out at 5:30am and he wants to wake you and three small DC up at midnight?

I take it you're the main breadwinner OP and you're not just working for fun money 🙄

Tell him you've realised that he's right, having to come home by 11pm doesn't make it worth it for him and you're looking forward to having him home to share the parenting duties with you on those nights instead.

CF doesn't know how good he's got it.

Glorybox2025 · 06/02/2025 09:21

Which 4 people think you're being unreasonable?? What a selfish dick he is.

Dishwashersaurous · 06/02/2025 09:23

Is there any way he can get back in without waking you up?

So you just go to bed.

If not, then obviously he has to be home.

Dishwashersaurous · 06/02/2025 09:24

But more fundamentally your set up and commute is not sustainable.

Can you get a new job, or move so you don't have a six hour round trip commute?

wlv12 · 06/02/2025 09:24

I’m genuinely baffled that people have voted that you’re unreasonable!

Doggymummar · 06/02/2025 09:26

That commute is mad! What hobby goes on till midnight? Sounds like you are too accommodating to me

tarheelbaby · 06/02/2025 09:27

You are being very reasonable. He has lots of time for his hobby during the week. He has three DCs, including an 8mos old and you have an early start. He should not be going out to his hobby that evening much less coming home late.

Tell him you've realised that he's right, having to come home by 11pm doesn't make it worth it for him and you're looking forward to having him home to LOOK AFTER HIS OWN DCs with you on those nights instead.

It sounds like he's trying to skip out on bedtime. This is a sad comment on him and also a relationship killer. Show him all the MN threads about men who swan off for their hobbies, leaving the women to wrangle the chidlren and the household, but still want sex every night.

As a teacher, I can't see how he can do his hobby all afternoon/evening, come home at gone midnight and still be up in time for work the next day!

TheAzureSwan · 06/02/2025 09:27

Sounds like you are more than reasonable with accommodating his hobby, especially when you have 3 very young children.

Why does this hobby involve staying out after midnight? Where is he until that time?

He sounds very selfish.

Notgoodatpoetrybutgreatatlit · 06/02/2025 09:27

Can't he sleep somewhere else? Sofa? Shed outside? Honestly why is he so committed to not being in his family home being an actual parent.
And I agree you simply can't keep on this pattern it will ruin you. Physical and mental tiredness and the stress it brings is so bad for our health.

Isittimeformynapyet · 06/02/2025 09:29

Do people vote on the title alone?!

Once I'd read the whole OP it was a clear cut case of YANBU.

soarklyknobs · 06/02/2025 09:30

He has 3 small children; three!!

If he wanted to do his hobbies unhindered by parenting, he should have kept his dick in his pants.

TheUndoing · 06/02/2025 09:31

He needs to get a grip and share some parenting. He can’t expect unlimited hobby time when he has three kids! You must be knackered OP.

Mulledjuice · 06/02/2025 09:35

I think you're being unreasonable to question yourself here!

Your response could have been "instead of <weekend day>? OK I'm willing to try it and see if I'm not too tired for the 5.30 start the next day.

And I think you should reclaim equal free time before you start resenting him and he starts taking you for granted, if that hasn't already happened.

canyouletthedogoutplease · 06/02/2025 09:36

More than reasonable. That he even wants to come in and midnight and wake you up before a 5:30 start is a twat's trick.

I'd also start matching his "me time" out of the house, so one weekend a month is now a spa day, and one evening a week you're doing dinner with a friend. Nip this shit in the bud OP or you'll end up wanting to put him under the patio by the time the kids are in high school.

LittleOwl153 · 06/02/2025 09:37

.I'd say on the nights you have to be up at 5.30am you do not agree to be the solo parent. His kids are his responsibility too. He needs to be home by 10pm so that he does not interupt his baby daughters sleep routine and enables you to do the job you are contracted to do. id also be making sure you get some time to yourself otherwise that load is going toncauae you to burn out pretty soon... then what will he do?

Yeah he's a selfish idiot who does not give a damn about you or his kids sadly.

AgnesX · 06/02/2025 09:38

Quercus3 · 06/02/2025 09:15

You are being beyond reasonable!

Deleted: having reread

rwalker · 06/02/2025 09:38

Why does he wake you all up I’d just tell him not to come up stairs sleep on sofa

not to that level but used to do a hobby mid week but couldn’t particularly choose the night as had it was with other people so it was ether that night or nothing .Can he go another night

as you said you both have your own time but I’d be looking at leveling that up

Rachmorr57 · 06/02/2025 09:40

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canyouletthedogoutplease · 06/02/2025 09:43

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By this logic any man with a hobby is an unsuitable father. No, just the ones who are selfish enough not to be able to put the hobby on the back burner to lean in and parent so their wife doesn't burn out.

It might be reasonable to expect that not just the woman make some significant changes to her lifestyle and re prioritise hobbies as a parent of three young children.

It's a hobby. Not a life's calling.

minipie · 06/02/2025 09:44

Not a fucking chance would I be ok with my DH going out doing hobbies on a weeknight when we had 3 small kids and I was working FT with a very long commute 2 days a weeks.

He shouldn’t be out AT ALL on those nights never mind out past 11. He should be back to do bedtime and dinner so he can see his kids and you can get an early night.

Sorry but I think you have been far too accommodating, he’s got the wrong idea about how having kids works (ie he wrongly thinks he can carry on with his pre kids life) and it’s time to set him straight.

Rachmorr57 · 06/02/2025 09:49

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

coverp · 06/02/2025 09:59

Thank you for the sense check.

I don't begrudge DH his hobby - he shares the load very equally with the kids and he does the lions share of childcare during school holidays. We have a good balance.

I had a lot of hobbies pre-children but have paused them. I may or may not go back to them once the kids are older. I have one or two spa days a year with friends, see friends for lunch often during my working day. I'm really not unhappy with my life. I could take annual leave in term time if I wanted more time to myself, but I prefer to keep it to use when we can be together as a family.

I just don't understand why it's so hard to see that this weeknight set up doesn't work. My commute is a drive, and if I'm shattered it becomes really dangerous. Before DC3 arrived I was doing 2 long days in the office with an overnight in between so that I only had to do the commute once, but I'm not willing to be away from the baby at this point.

I am the main earner and I'm not interested in moving job at the moment, there's not many roles as senior or well paid as mine that would allow a 4 day week or 2 days from home - those things are worth the commute. I just wish DH would be a bit less selfish on the hobby!

OP posts:
Haveyouanyjam · 06/02/2025 10:07

Show him the thread. It’s fine for him to be disappointed but it’s not fine for him to make you feel badly about what is a totally reasonable request. He doesn’t have to go, asking him to be back before 11 when you have to get up early is more than reasonable and he needs to recognise how kind you’re actually being about it. Life with small children means compromise. It’s hardly a major sacrifice and these years will fly by and he will still have his hobby.