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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask DH to be home by 11 during the week

58 replies

coverp · 06/02/2025 09:12

DH has a hobby. He likes to do this hobby as often as possible. He does it around 1 weekend day per month, plus another day a week during school holidays (he's a teacher). He also does on average one evening a week - more in the spring/summer when it's light and less in the winter. This works ok for me, although it is far more "me time" than I get.

We have 3 children under 5, including an 8mo baby. We have a great bedtime routine with them - they're usually all asleep/settled in their rooms by 7.30. The baby still sleeps downstairs with us (in a pram) until I go up to bed - she's usually quite unsettled until around 10/10.30 then sleeps well the rest of the night after a final feed.

I work 2 days in the office and 2 days at home. My 2 office days involve a 2-3hr commute each way, and I have to leave the house by 5.30am. I'm very tired at the end of these days.

DH has started "asking" to do his hobby on the evenings before my early start. He often doesn't get home until midnight or later, which means that either he wakes us up coming in (9/10 times) or I wait up until he gets back to head to bed.

I've asked that on the nights before I have an early start, that if he wants to go out, that he's back for 11. My preference would be that he chooses one of the other 5 nights to do the hobby, but hey ho, I thought this was a good compromise. He's begrudgingly agreed but given it all the eye rolling and muttering "not sure it's even worth going then".

Am I really being so unreasonable here?

OP posts:
ManchesterGirl2 · 06/02/2025 14:09

Can he sleep on the sofa? Totally reasonable to not want to be woken up.

Summerhillsquare · 06/02/2025 14:14

soarklyknobs · 06/02/2025 09:30

He has 3 small children; three!!

If he wanted to do his hobbies unhindered by parenting, he should have kept his dick in his pants.

So much this

ERthree · 06/02/2025 14:15

Does this bloke realise he is a husband and father or does he still think he is single ! You need to have a break and he needs to is fair share.

Pickled21 · 06/02/2025 14:23

I don't think 3 children under 5 is compatible with a parent having hobbies that takes them away for a large proportion of the evening. I also don't think it's compatible with 2 people having demanding jobs either however you have made this choice. This wouldn't be something I would be happy with but I have very different boundaries to you. He isn't doing you a favour by taking care of his children in the Summer holidays when he is technically not in work (I appreciate many teachers will do some planning in the holidays). Downtime in my view at least should be equal for both parents whether you choose to spend that time outside the house on a particular hobby is irrelevant.

Crispynoodle · 06/02/2025 14:31

Tell him to fuck off

ItGhoul · 06/02/2025 15:07

If it's genuinely disruptive for him to get home late, then YANBU. I'm quite easy going about having my sleep disrupted, and I think I would just briefly open my eyes as he got into bed and then I'd be oblivious again, so the getting in late wouldn't be a big deal for me, but you must be exhausted if you've got three kids under five. If it really messes with your sleep, and even more so if it messes with your kids' sleep too, I can completely see why you're not happy about it.

What's the reason for him picking that particular day? Is it a club or a sports team or something with set meeting/training times or something? Because I really don't see why he wouldn't just do his hobby on literally any other night of the week than the one that comes before your 5.30am start.

TomatoSandwiches · 06/02/2025 15:44

Do you think he may be trying to undermine you being the main bread winner and all op, could there be an element of " let's see if she can manage to be top dog if I fuck her schedule up even more? " because he can't genuinely think asking for MORE time is appropriate with your family life and needs.

Ponderingwindow · 06/02/2025 15:54

He could be doing the last feed of the night so you could get to bed early and get a solid night’s sleep. 11 is too late even.

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