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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask DH to be home by 11 during the week

58 replies

coverp · 06/02/2025 09:12

DH has a hobby. He likes to do this hobby as often as possible. He does it around 1 weekend day per month, plus another day a week during school holidays (he's a teacher). He also does on average one evening a week - more in the spring/summer when it's light and less in the winter. This works ok for me, although it is far more "me time" than I get.

We have 3 children under 5, including an 8mo baby. We have a great bedtime routine with them - they're usually all asleep/settled in their rooms by 7.30. The baby still sleeps downstairs with us (in a pram) until I go up to bed - she's usually quite unsettled until around 10/10.30 then sleeps well the rest of the night after a final feed.

I work 2 days in the office and 2 days at home. My 2 office days involve a 2-3hr commute each way, and I have to leave the house by 5.30am. I'm very tired at the end of these days.

DH has started "asking" to do his hobby on the evenings before my early start. He often doesn't get home until midnight or later, which means that either he wakes us up coming in (9/10 times) or I wait up until he gets back to head to bed.

I've asked that on the nights before I have an early start, that if he wants to go out, that he's back for 11. My preference would be that he chooses one of the other 5 nights to do the hobby, but hey ho, I thought this was a good compromise. He's begrudgingly agreed but given it all the eye rolling and muttering "not sure it's even worth going then".

Am I really being so unreasonable here?

OP posts:
Comedycook · 06/02/2025 10:09

When I read your thread title I was thinking you sounded unreasonable and controlling but after reading the thread, yanbu!

Three small DC and leaving the house at 5.30am sounds hideous.

canyouletthedogoutplease · 06/02/2025 10:11

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

I don't think the issue here is being caused by the third child.

Chuchoter · 06/02/2025 10:24

'he wakes us up coming in (9/10 times) or I wait up until he gets back to head to bed'

Why can't he come in quietly and sleep in the spare room or on a sofa so as not to disturb any of you?

Why do you have to wait up? Just go to sleep!

VickyEadieofThigh · 06/02/2025 10:25

As a retired teacher, I'm astonished that he can manage one very late night per week, let alone more - and with 3 small children!

He's seriously unreasonable. Is it golf and he's on the piss afterwards?

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 06/02/2025 10:27

Your h is a horrible man.

Autumndayz77 · 06/02/2025 10:28

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

I had loads of hobbies and was out most evenings prior to having children... my DP and I can't be out the house at the same times so i either take my kids with me or take it in turns with DP - surely this is the norm!

SnoopysHoose · 06/02/2025 10:28

Wonder what the identifying hobby is? 5 asides? Warhammer? why is he out until midnight?
Anyhoo, he's a selfish dick.

ValentineValentineV · 06/02/2025 10:30

If he gets home really late then he needs to come in quietly and sleep on the sofa, your sleep trumps his hobby.

Gall10 · 06/02/2025 10:34

Doggymummar · 06/02/2025 09:26

That commute is mad! What hobby goes on till midnight? Sounds like you are too accommodating to me

I can imagine what ‘hobby’ this is!

JoyousPinkPeer · 06/02/2025 10:40

He's being totally unreasonable

Fizbosshoes · 06/02/2025 10:42

Chuchoter · 06/02/2025 10:24

'he wakes us up coming in (9/10 times) or I wait up until he gets back to head to bed'

Why can't he come in quietly and sleep in the spare room or on a sofa so as not to disturb any of you?

Why do you have to wait up? Just go to sleep!

I sleep very lightly, and a lot of mums with young babies would sleep "with one ear open" as it were because you're listening out for the baby/toddlers. It's almost impossible for my DH to come in the house, without waking me, (my kids are teens now) so I can see why you might wait up

RitaFromTheRanch · 06/02/2025 11:04

Cycling right?

outdooryone · 06/02/2025 11:12

You are being very reasonable. He needs to be more aware and accommodating, and it is not like you are stopping his hobby, just asking him to help with the family routine.
That said, your commute is unsustainable and I would be urgently looking for a new job with less of a commute, saving you time, energy and significant money.

Starlight1984 · 06/02/2025 11:36

RitaFromTheRanch · 06/02/2025 11:04

Cycling right?

Cycling??? Until gone midnight?!

(I mean, you might be right, I don't have a clue really! But that just sounds odd 😂)

RitaFromTheRanch · 06/02/2025 13:14

@Starlight1984 it's always that or golf and I thought it would be a bit hard to see the balls in the dark Grin

arethereanyleftatall · 06/02/2025 13:26

The two of you have made a decision to have 3 children very close coupled with both of you having very demanding jobs.

It isn't a decision which allows for either adult to continue with hobbies to any great extent.

The very small amount of disposable time you both have needs to be split square down the middle.

Spirallingdownwards · 06/02/2025 13:30

Fishing?

Is he going that night because he goes with others? If so why not compromise on trying and see what actually happens. If it doesn't work out then ask he switch days

Doggymummar · 06/02/2025 13:31

RitaFromTheRanch · 06/02/2025 13:14

@Starlight1984 it's always that or golf and I thought it would be a bit hard to see the balls in the dark Grin

It's got to be darts !

Goodadvice1980 · 06/02/2025 13:32

coverp · 06/02/2025 09:59

Thank you for the sense check.

I don't begrudge DH his hobby - he shares the load very equally with the kids and he does the lions share of childcare during school holidays. We have a good balance.

I had a lot of hobbies pre-children but have paused them. I may or may not go back to them once the kids are older. I have one or two spa days a year with friends, see friends for lunch often during my working day. I'm really not unhappy with my life. I could take annual leave in term time if I wanted more time to myself, but I prefer to keep it to use when we can be together as a family.

I just don't understand why it's so hard to see that this weeknight set up doesn't work. My commute is a drive, and if I'm shattered it becomes really dangerous. Before DC3 arrived I was doing 2 long days in the office with an overnight in between so that I only had to do the commute once, but I'm not willing to be away from the baby at this point.

I am the main earner and I'm not interested in moving job at the moment, there's not many roles as senior or well paid as mine that would allow a 4 day week or 2 days from home - those things are worth the commute. I just wish DH would be a bit less selfish on the hobby!

I guess he could be more considerate until you feel ready to leave the baby overnight again. Is he aware of how you feel about this? Would staying away a night in the week again be difficult for you?

Wordsmithery · 06/02/2025 13:38

Men are so brilliantly skilled at being selfish. All you're asking is for him to choose a different night if he wants to get back late. Sounds eminently reasonable.

TomatoSandwiches · 06/02/2025 13:38

He is being selfish to co soder this is the right time to up the amount of me time he has. I wouldn't agree to it at all.

AppleDumplingWithCustard · 06/02/2025 13:40

Whatever the hobby it obviously concludes with a leisurely few drinks meaning a midnight homecoming. Selfish sod.

Chillilounger · 06/02/2025 13:45

If he's not getting in until 11 how is he getting enough sleep before having to sort the kids in the morning? Hopefully you don't have to do anything on the days you leave at 5.30!

chelseahealyslips · 06/02/2025 13:55

Is it pool? Or poker league?
I imagine he'd be out until midnight if it was closing time in a pub.

I wouldn't be happy with this set up OP, he'd not being a very good father or husband.

jannier · 06/02/2025 13:59

Your being unreasonable by saying a hobby.....just tell us what it is .....is he into something kinky and you can't join him .....

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