Telling people they're powerless over alcohol/substances is dangerous

[FlyingMasticatedParticles]

Had a conversation with a friend recently (not an addict) where they got upset with me for saying that it's always a choice to use substances. I believe it is, while acknowledging the huge difficulty people face getting out of these habits.

Others are of the opinion that it isn't a choice and that it's not in the person's control. I think this view is completely disempowering, and possibly dangerous.

I speak from experience of poly-substance 'addiction' which I'm currently in. I make the choice to buy drugs and have a drink. It's easier than dealing with the underlying issues. Let's face it, it's the easy, familiar, comforting choice. It's very hard and humbling to admit that I just don't like being sober and facing reality.

Luckily I only hurt myself, however sometimes it's pretty bad and the shame that I feel afterwards is really justified (while also understanding that I'm human and allowing for a bit of self-compassion which I'm working on). If i was to accept that these actions were not my own responsibility, then I'd be even less likely to try and keep myself in check.

I'm starting to realise it's all on me, I can't make excuses because I know what I'm doing to myself and I do it anyway. I refuse to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. I have a lot of underlying trauma and mental health issues, a lot of character defects that have led me to this. Those things are not my fault but I made and continue to make shitty choices.

If I believed what AA told me, I'd believe I had an 'allergy' or that I'm just different to other people and I don't have power over it. I've friends who are terrified to miss a meeting because they've been told so many times that AA is what's keeping them sober. I think they WANT to be sober so they're abstaining and it's as simple as that, although of course a support network is always helpful.

AIBU to think that it's better to encourage self responsibility and accountability than helplessness?

I just don't see there's anything much different in 'recognising a character flaw' and making better choices in respect of it and 'recognising a physical drive for a substance' and making better choices in respect of it.

I have seen enough to come to believe that some people are just as "fated" to stay selfish or unempathetic or inconsiderate or even psychopathic as they are to stay substance-reliant.

There's always some back-story to negative qualities/a pattern of self-harmful or other-harmful behaviour. And there's always the possibility of choosing to change the behaviour or not change the behaviour.

Whether you put a person's continued failure to change down to having a certain type of personality or a certain type physical condition, when they keep being who they are and doing what they do, after a while it becomes easier to understand why the ancients attributed so much to fate.

I'm getting to realise that I'm the issue, it's not something I "can't help"

You are still misunderstanding the basic principle. People can't help having a predisposition to addiction. They can help themselves manage it through better choices, though it's a sliding scale. No addiction organisation sees addicts as completely helpless -- if they did, what would the point be in the organisation existing?

Some people have a predisposition to addiction that kicks in incredibly early and strongly, much moreso than for most people, and it results in rapid severe consequences.

Others have a predisposition to addiction that is not as immediately severe but becomes more ingrained and worsens through years of feeding the addiction, as addiction is progressive.

At a certain point, either type of person can reach a stage where their ability to help themselves is extremely limited due to the strength of the addiction.

Who's sober OP?

The ones in AA who believe this?
Or you who doesn't?

I also find aspects of AA flawed, after being in rehab and going to meetings in my early twenties. I’m not sure I agree that choosing not to start drinking moderately means you aren’t recovered. For someone who has caused a lot of destruction or health consequences from their alcohol or drug use, it could be quite a responsible and empowered choice…. Which would actually speak to their recovery more. To be honest, if I was like some of the other inpatients I met, I would never have walked into the same room as a substance.

I think the other thing rehab taught me was that substance abuse and dependency can look different in different people. For some people (myself included), their alcohol or drug use was functioning as a self-destructive behaviour and poor way of managing stress and trauma. For these people, the substance is quite secondary. Dealing with the underlying issues typically fixes the problem. The problem was never alcohol or drugs, so it doesn’t remain. On the other hand there seemed to being people who were highly physiologically dependent, and driven by physical symptoms such as cravings and obsessive thinking about drugs and alcohol. The substance would consume their thought, not just ‘I want to get wasted because I can’t cope with memories of abuse (as an example’. The battle seemed different for those people. It also makes sense if you think about how differently people’s brains respond to chemicals, or things like strong pain relief. I know people who get an absolute physical buzz from powerful painkillers and crave more opioid based ones after a day or so. They obviously don’t continue them, but they can generally appreciate how dependent they can become! For me, opioid painkillers do zero for me. They don’t usually even work for the bloody pain! Different biology and all that.

I'm an ex-drinker and I believe problem drinking is an addiction i.e. a powerful and initially unconscious mechanism which, ironically, people adopt to protect themselves: from unregulated feelings, traumas, stress and so on. The 'solution', though, becomes the problem.

I'm not an advocate of AA but, to be fair, I think the idea of 'powerlessness' can be a way of explaining that you will need time, support and permanent changes to your life to become sober, not just 'willpower' or self-disgust. It highlights the illusion of simple control of addiction. The rate of lapse / relapse is high especially at first and I don't believe any addict recovered by being shamed, excluded, or villified. Only a minority of addicts are visible because they have become social problems, the rest are working, paying taxes, living in families and struggling along.

Of course addicts can make choices (physical addiction complicates this in that substances can't simply be stopped) and I'm a big believer in harm reduction - if you must drink, you mustn't drive, if you have to smoke or binge-eat you don't have to do it in front of children. You make a choice to remove yourself from situations which could harm others. Most problem drinkers who aren't physically addicted can hold off drinking on days when it's necessary - waiting for a Friday night reward, it's not a simple compulsion, but it's persistent and life-long.

Becoming free of all substance addiction - one addiction tends to be replaced by another - is a long, hard road, and while you could argue it's a duty to try, it is not a simple matter of making our minds up to stop using, not at all.

The powerless thing is about accepting that you are not the type of person who can just go out for one drink. I think that acknowledgment can be helpful for some people with addiction.

I've been sober 9 years - my issue with the AA approach is that it continues to make your life all about alcohol, thinking about it, talking about it, taking it one day at a time.

When I stopped drinking one of the things I found was called 'Rational Recovery' it was developed by someone who HATES AA - he comes across as a bit unhinged but I really liked the very straight forward approach - Just decide you are not going to drink and don't drink.

I obviously looked for other support too but that's basically the nub of it.

The thing about alcohol is, I know lots of people who are alcoholics and would have this exact discussion about control/ powerlessness/ I’ll stop when I really want to etc then it creeps up - the physical dependence. You start getting unwell when you try to stop. Getting the DTs. My dad used to shake so bad, have seizures. He couldn’t physically stop anymore. Had to go to hospital to detox.
Trying to convince yourself you’re in control, however you phrase it, is a symptom of being an addict. I think a part of it is needing to hold on to that bit of self hatred tbh - you need that to keep destroying yourself.

It's not an either/ or. People are rarely 'powerless,' but the whole empowerment message assumes that we all start from an equal footing and IME is usually spouted by those in a fairly privileged position and demonstrates their own ignorance more than anything.

Addiction usually stems from a desire/ need to escape from a situation or from oneself. Someone that hasn't had that need can't relate - they equate it to themselves turning down a drink or saying no to drugs. It's a bit like sharing diet tips with someone who's actually starving and expecting them to follow the same 'good' advice while ignoring their hunger.

I spent decades drinking too much and never managed to cut down. Started meds for adhd and the desire disappeared overnight. Now it's easy to turn down a drink, I make the decision whereas before it was a compulsion - the power it took me to turn down a drink was immense. I very rarely succeeded, cue a spiral of self loathing. Now there's nothing to it. We do not walk the same path in the same shoes, could be neurodivergence, mental health, trauma. It's not the drink or the drug but what it does for the person. Empowerment has fuck all to do with it.

I haven’t read the whole thread but how is this serving you @FlyingMasticatedParticles ?
You're clutching at straws to avoid addressing your polyaddictions.

If you’re using alcohol problematically on a regular basis, the fact that you can also sometimes “just have one” is nothing more than a delay mechanism for dealing with your alcohol problem.

Almost all people with addiction issues can control them some of the time.

When you say you have character defects OP what do you mean by that? It sounds like a pretty harsh thing to say about yourself.
Is drinking a form of self harm for you I wonder? You know it's damaging you but you don't think you deserve better. Just a thought.
I hope you find a way out to deal with the underlying issues, it sounds like you have had a very traumatic life.

In her book Quit Like a Woman, Holly Whitaker explains why she didn't find AA the right solution for her. Her words might resonate with you, OP. Definitely worth a read when you're mentally ready to give up. Similar approach to Alan Carr (whom she refers to quite a bit) but adds in working on yourself to heal the traumas that led you to booze in the first place.