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AIBU?

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Original poster

Friend earns as much as me on benefits

343 replies

NattyFinch · 04/02/2025 20:21

I felt really shocked and conflicted after a discussion with a friend recently that revealed that she receives over £2000 a month on benefits for 2 children while I work full time as a single parent with one child for a similar amount (once I’ve paid all my taxes, ni etc). It stemmed from her saying she was going for ivf treatment at 48 at a total cost of £8000. I’m supportive as a friend and try not to be a judgmental person but this just seems unjust when I’ve worked so hard to stay in employment and raise my son single-handedly for 12 years. She doesn’t want to move to England because if the ivf is successful she will get more money to stay in Scotland. AIBU to think this is all bonkers ?!

OP posts:
Mielikki · 04/02/2025 23:02

Worriedmotheroftwo · 04/02/2025 21:16

How do you KNOW though? I have a disabled child - he's autistic and we get a substantial DLA every month. Nobody knows we get this, and hardly any of our friends even know he's autistic (just think he's a bit quirky). They don't see the tough stuff, just easy playdates (which we carefully engineer to ensure he can cope, or whisk him away at the first sign of not coping). No doubt all my friends would laugh and say 'of course he's not disabled' if anyone even suggested that we received disability benefits.

Show quote history

My DS is diagnosed autistic and has the full spectrum of ADHD, OCD and anxiety. He has an EHCP and is heavily medicated. He is very clearly ND, not ‘a bit quirky’. It never even occurred to me that it might be possible to claim benefits for this. What exactly would it pay for?

I thought DLA was for people with severe disabilities who required expensive care and adaptations.

Whateveritsallmadnow · 04/02/2025 23:02

cadburyegg · 04/02/2025 22:55

Yes exactly so landlords charge going rate for area, benefits will only cover a going rate, so landlords generally if wanting to attract renters have to match rate or similar

Benefits will only cover the local housing allowance. The landlord will charge the market rent which is usually much higher. We have a housing crisis in this country, landlords do not need to do much to "attract renters" other than put their house on the renters market. There's no incentive for a landlord to offer their house for market at a cheaper rate to benefit claimants.

If you look at the post quoted by the poster you are quoting, I gave an example of the discrepancy, which in my area is over £400 pcm.

Yes I get that but think it's harsh blaming the private landlords which are the ones keeping people in homes due to selling off of other options. Market rent is actually the rent. Landlords just match rent to area and their mortgage payments which aren't cheap.

threelittlescones · 04/02/2025 23:15

Mielikki · 04/02/2025 23:02

My DS is diagnosed autistic and has the full spectrum of ADHD, OCD and anxiety. He has an EHCP and is heavily medicated. He is very clearly ND, not ‘a bit quirky’. It never even occurred to me that it might be possible to claim benefits for this. What exactly would it pay for?

I thought DLA was for people with severe disabilities who required expensive care and adaptations.

Show quote history

It's entirely up to you what you use the payment for. It depends on care needs and anything else which would benefit the child and their quality of life. It isn't limited to those who need physical adaptations to their home or outside carers etc. It can be used for equipment like toys or gadgets, classes/therapy sessions, trips or activities the child might enjoy. If your child requires overnight care from yourself, they could very likely qualify for high rate DLA and this can open the door to more financial assistance. It's worth applying but I would advise getting help to fill in the forms. There are many charities and organisations who can help with this.

Whateveritsallmadnow · 04/02/2025 23:17

Whateveritsallmadnow · 04/02/2025 23:02

Yes I get that but think it's harsh blaming the private landlords which are the ones keeping people in homes due to selling off of other options. Market rent is actually the rent. Landlords just match rent to area and their mortgage payments which aren't cheap.

Show quote history

And often that means there is a shortfall the tenant needs to make up dependant on area of choice or living. Agree very unfortunate for those living in expensive areas, I am hit with this problem

Katbum · 04/02/2025 23:18

If this is true and your friend is in the same or similar circs to you (no disabled kids, no additional needs etc) the answer is for you to move onto benefits yourself. Then you’ll see who’ll have it easier.

TempestTost · 04/02/2025 23:23

InDogweRust · 04/02/2025 21:11

Whilst I understand your frustration you can progress with your career, go for promotions, better paid jobs as you gain experience, build up a pension.

Another issue - many jobs no longer offer this progression potential. You can be offered a "promotion" and find it pays little more - after tax it is barely noticeable.

Ye, especially by the time they are in their late 40s, a lot of people have maxed out their career progression.

I feel like there are an awful lot of people who are in certain sorts of corporate business jobs who have no clue how most sectors actually are.

PandoraSox · 04/02/2025 23:24

Ziggy30 · 04/02/2025 21:05

Don’t get me started! My SIL has 3 children to 2 different fathers. Claims almost £6000 because each child has ‘some sort of additional need’ - they really don’t! I don’t make half of that, nor do DH and myself make that combined! She complains about her 3 bedroom house and is entitled to a 4 bed house, according to her. Belittled me for ‘only spending £150ish on my DC at Christmas because she had spent £2500 on one child alone! Never worked a single day in her life.

Maybe a little bitter but I can’t wait until the kids are older and she gets next to nothing!

I think it’s about time we stop and give out naff all to those who play the system. They should be house in a hotel like structure with a studio apartment with bunk beds and necessities. A canteen to cater for them. No need to give them any money whatsoever. Why should people who don’t work be able to afford multiple holiday, £1000’s on Christmas pressies, new cars, etc! They might actually be inclined to get off their lazy arse and do something. And not just reproduce for the money!

This way people who genuinely need help because they are going through a rough patch; in between jobs, unforeseen medical conditions/sickness, etc, can actually get the help they need.

Rant over!

What about the two fathers of the three children, where are they in this scenario? Did they abandon your SiL?

Worriedmotheroftwo · 04/02/2025 23:26

threelittlescones · 04/02/2025 23:15

It's entirely up to you what you use the payment for. It depends on care needs and anything else which would benefit the child and their quality of life. It isn't limited to those who need physical adaptations to their home or outside carers etc. It can be used for equipment like toys or gadgets, classes/therapy sessions, trips or activities the child might enjoy. If your child requires overnight care from yourself, they could very likely qualify for high rate DLA and this can open the door to more financial assistance. It's worth applying but I would advise getting help to fill in the forms. There are many charities and organisations who can help with this.

Show quote history

This. There are different levels for DLA. And you can choose what you spent it on. My son's pays for things like a clinical psychaitrist for instance.

Kiwi83 · 04/02/2025 23:26

How can she afford the IVF, there's no way the NHS would fund a 48 especially when they're single and already a parent.

drspouse · 04/02/2025 23:29

Plaided · 04/02/2025 20:47

Also, no ivf place will take on a 48yr old for that little money. It’s not worth their stats. Either she or you are fibbing a little.

That was my thought. She'd be looking at donor eggs, probably abroad.

Worriedmotheroftwo · 04/02/2025 23:33

Mielikki · 04/02/2025 23:02

My DS is diagnosed autistic and has the full spectrum of ADHD, OCD and anxiety. He has an EHCP and is heavily medicated. He is very clearly ND, not ‘a bit quirky’. It never even occurred to me that it might be possible to claim benefits for this. What exactly would it pay for?

I thought DLA was for people with severe disabilities who required expensive care and adaptations.

Show quote history

Oh and to clarify, my son also has an EHCP (he is in a private school as wouldn't cope in large state sector classes), has diagnoses coming out of his ears, and is also medicated. I did not say he's just a bit quirky - he is a disabled child. However, to many of my friends, they don't see the disability - they just think he's a bit quirky. The point I'm making is that the OP has no idea if one of her friend's children is disabled and is therefore getting DLA. My own friends likely have no idea that we do, or even that my son has a disability.

SchrodingersTwat2 · 04/02/2025 23:36

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

"Most jobs are taken by migrants"

Any evidence for that?

MiseryIn · 04/02/2025 23:39

I hear you. I was seriously comfortable on benefits. I then went back to work and there was a stretch where I took home less. (Complicated by buying a flat in the meantime).

Single parents who rent and don't work are better off than single parents who own and work full time.

MiseryIn · 04/02/2025 23:40

Oh and where we live, 2k is about the standard for what you'll be topped up to. It's equivalent to around £30k full time salary.

MiseryIn · 04/02/2025 23:43

But, as already said on this thread - the wheels come off the gravy train. The kids grow up and the benefits dry up.

Offwegotomarket · 05/02/2025 00:03

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Well said.

The fact so many women on here are judging most probably very vulnerable and unfortunate people speaks volumes.

So many out of touch people on here showing their privilege.

Disgusting.

Offwegotomarket · 05/02/2025 00:16

Whateveritsallmadnow · 04/02/2025 23:02

Yes I get that but think it's harsh blaming the private landlords which are the ones keeping people in homes due to selling off of other options. Market rent is actually the rent. Landlords just match rent to area and their mortgage payments which aren't cheap.

Show quote history

A-lot of the private rentals a squalor were the landlords do sfa because they know how desperate people are for a roof over their head.

Crispynoodle · 05/02/2025 00:17

This happened to me many years ago when I discovered colleagues were getting much more than me while they worked 16 hours a week to my full time hours not going to lie I was very cross!

user243245346 · 05/02/2025 00:25

Vertigo2851 · 04/02/2025 21:04

If you're over 25 you would be entitled to £393 then £575 for 2 kids (born after 2017. If they were born before it's slightly more)

This sounds grand. You should quit your job and go on uc op.

Plus housing element, plus child benefit, plus Scottish child payment. It all add up

Rhinohides · 05/02/2025 00:51

To the saying she will have to work when the kids grow up, no, she won’t, provided the IVF is successful. When the current two leave home, she will have two more to bring up and will be paid to.do so. I feel for you OP It can be hard to bear, Struggling and making ends meet but in such a way you are always above thresholds for any help and then seeing somebody having it handed to them on a plate.

Lovebirdslovetea · 05/02/2025 00:53

Rhinohides · 05/02/2025 00:51

To the saying she will have to work when the kids grow up, no, she won’t, provided the IVF is successful. When the current two leave home, she will have two more to bring up and will be paid to.do so. I feel for you OP It can be hard to bear, Struggling and making ends meet but in such a way you are always above thresholds for any help and then seeing somebody having it handed to them on a plate.

I’m just wondering what she did until she had children then. Cos she must have worked at some point

Iloveburgerswaymorethanishould · 05/02/2025 00:53

I get 2300 from UC, 560 from DLA, 430 from PIP, 340 from carers (average deducted from UC) and 200 CMS. Then I work and get 900 wage, which means I get about 300 deducted from UC. I feel better working than not. That wage deduction I don’t see as a deduction, just that I earned the 300 odd pound the deduct.. plus I’ve got my feet through the door with a prettt decent place to work. They are training me up to progress and I can’t wait. I once mentioned how much I get to a “friend” and she more or less turned on me… don’t be that person!! Be grateful your friend is getting the relevant financial help she’s entitled to. As that’s where the problem lies… if she wasn’t given it by the government she wouldn’t claim it if that makes sense! Half the people who moan about people on benefits don’t think about shouting at the people who give it….. I don’t need to work, signed off get LCWRA on my UC. But I choose to as it makes my (bipolar 1 and lupus with kidney problems) MH a lot better!!! Just be .her friend and ignore who gets what etc

Lovebirdslovetea · 05/02/2025 01:02

Iloveburgerswaymorethanishould · 05/02/2025 00:53

I get 2300 from UC, 560 from DLA, 430 from PIP, 340 from carers (average deducted from UC) and 200 CMS. Then I work and get 900 wage, which means I get about 300 deducted from UC. I feel better working than not. That wage deduction I don’t see as a deduction, just that I earned the 300 odd pound the deduct.. plus I’ve got my feet through the door with a prettt decent place to work. They are training me up to progress and I can’t wait. I once mentioned how much I get to a “friend” and she more or less turned on me… don’t be that person!! Be grateful your friend is getting the relevant financial help she’s entitled to. As that’s where the problem lies… if she wasn’t given it by the government she wouldn’t claim it if that makes sense! Half the people who moan about people on benefits don’t think about shouting at the people who give it….. I don’t need to work, signed off get LCWRA on my UC. But I choose to as it makes my (bipolar 1 and lupus with kidney problems) MH a lot better!!! Just be .her friend and ignore who gets what etc

Just tell her you’d trade the money you get in benefits for her health (to make a point)
I see benefits as compensation for health issues and disabilities you have acquired. I think they can be caused by things out of your control by environmental factors like pollution or heavy metals in food. If the government wanted you to work more or at all then they should’ve put the measures in place to ensure our physical and mental wellbeing but they didn’t, so they need to pay and if that means we don’t work a day in our lives I don’t think that’s our fault

shuggles · 05/02/2025 01:17

RandomMess · 04/02/2025 20:23

Does that £2k include rent contribution?

She isn't building a pension, what will happen when she has no DC and gets very little and has to be applying for jobs around the clock?

Longer term you will be much better off.

Why do you say she isn't building a pension? I mean, what is there to stop anyone from using their benefit money to pay their annual NI contributions, and putting their benefit money into a SIPP?

BlushDiamond · 05/02/2025 01:34

I just think it's amazing how much bullshit people are willing to believe if it fits in with their preconceived prejudices against benefits claimants. £2,000 a month. IVF at 48. Pull the other one, it's got teeny tiny little silvery
tinkle bells all over it.