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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My mum doesn’t like one of my DC

63 replies

Shugarhound · 04/02/2025 17:08

I have 4 DC. My mum is very close to my oldest(adult) DC. The younger 2 she will ask after and will spend time on bet own with them(not much or often) but she really doesn’t like my 12 year old. This DC has ADHD so behaviour can be challenging. She pulls a face whenever they’re around and can be very abrupt and a bit mean to them.
I think they realise this now as we very rarely visit her. I visit with my youngest(age 3) and sometimes the next oldest, but she simply cannot deal with the 12 year old.
it breaks my heart a bit that I have to ‘shield’ them from their own grandmother.
how would you handle this? Just continue to keep them separate from each other?

OP posts:
Crazycatlady79 · 04/02/2025 17:10

Have you spoken to her about this?

Original poster
Shugarhound · 04/02/2025 17:12

Crazycatlady79 · 04/02/2025 17:10

Have you spoken to her about this?

Sort of. But she just says she finds it hard to engage with him. Then she’ll throw a Valium down her neck

OP posts:
Weyohweyoh · 04/02/2025 17:13

I would have a very frank conversation with her about her appalling behaviour and if she didn’t do something about it, she’d be nowhere near any of my kids ever again. Your 12 year old is not stupid and deserves better, protect them.

Lavender14 · 04/02/2025 17:14

I think it can be really different for some people to understand that a child isn't simply being naughty etc, and that they need to adapt their expectations of that child.

I think it's tricky because on one hand I can see why as someone gets older, they may struggle more with a child who requires more energy input than a child who can be more independent or sit and play quietly. But equally, it's not OK to make faces/ put them down/ be abrupt with them and make an obvious distinction.

I personally would call her out at a time when the children aren't with you and just say that it's at the point where your child notices they are being treated differently and it's hurtful to them. So either she stops it or you will have to visit less. You'll need to be prepared to follow through.

We have a similar issue in that my mum struggles with my nephew and it got to the point where he really didn't want to see her for a while but my sister was completely dependent on my mum for childcare so couldn't cut her out.

I think if you have the means to avoid seeing your mum then I'd be very honest, give her the opportunity to adjust her behaviour and then step back.

Your priority is protecting your child and their resilience and self esteem - not prioritising your mums feelings as harsh as that may sound. Often our family members are the first bullies our children encounter and as adults we should all be held accountable for our actions.

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 04/02/2025 17:14

I would stop visiting her with any of my children rather than give one of my children the impression I accepted their grandmother's treatment of them

Not saying you do. But that's how it could well seem to them.

Nationsss · 04/02/2025 17:14

Weyohweyoh · 04/02/2025 17:13

I would have a very frank conversation with her about her appalling behaviour and if she didn’t do something about it, she’d be nowhere near any of my kids ever again. Your 12 year old is not stupid and deserves better, protect them.

This.
No way would I tolerate that.

nutbrownhare15 · 04/02/2025 17:15

Unfortunately you can't shield your 12 year old by avoiding taking them. If she can't treat them equally I'd have to stop the contact with any of the kids. Otherwise it will be damaging your child.

Dror · 04/02/2025 17:18

nutbrownhare15 · 04/02/2025 17:15

Unfortunately you can't shield your 12 year old by avoiding taking them. If she can't treat them equally I'd have to stop the contact with any of the kids. Otherwise it will be damaging your child.

This. How do you even go about dividing them up? 'you stay home, granny only wants to see the grandkids that she likes.'

Visiting a woman who plays favourites and drugs herself to handle being near her grandchild is not in anyone's best interests.

Vertigo2851 · 04/02/2025 17:25

What is the challenging behaviour, and how do you manage that behaviour?

What sort of things does she do that are mean?

Nanny0gg · 04/02/2025 17:30

Shugarhound · 04/02/2025 17:08

I have 4 DC. My mum is very close to my oldest(adult) DC. The younger 2 she will ask after and will spend time on bet own with them(not much or often) but she really doesn’t like my 12 year old. This DC has ADHD so behaviour can be challenging. She pulls a face whenever they’re around and can be very abrupt and a bit mean to them.
I think they realise this now as we very rarely visit her. I visit with my youngest(age 3) and sometimes the next oldest, but she simply cannot deal with the 12 year old.
it breaks my heart a bit that I have to ‘shield’ them from their own grandmother.
how would you handle this? Just continue to keep them separate from each other?

I wouldn't see her.

But that's me

DKaspre · 04/02/2025 17:38

Everyone will say YANBU but I wouldn’t want to spend much time around a family member with challenging behaviour either. How does this behaviour manifest?

UndermyShoeJoe · 04/02/2025 17:41

It depends on what the behaviour is surely and how it’s managed.

Even as a parent you can find challenging behaviour hard to cope with.

DemonicCaveMaggot · 04/02/2025 17:46

You don't want to expose your DC to obvious unfairness from a grandparent.

Can you do activities with the DC and your mother where your 12 year old's ADHD won't be so much of an issue for her? Can you give her a book or video on ADHD so she knows what her expectations should be, or how to help him be less 'challenging', or how to act when he is challenging to help him calm down?

ItGhoul · 04/02/2025 17:46

Shugarhound · 04/02/2025 17:12

Sort of. But she just says she finds it hard to engage with him. Then she’ll throw a Valium down her neck

Show quote history

It doesn't sound you actually like your mum, so you clearly understand the concept of finding certain relatives difficult. Why is it difficult to see that if your child's behaviour is particularly challenging/exhausting/stressful, it might be difficult for your mum to cope with it?

I'm assuming that if she's been prescribed Valium she struggles with her mental health. I'd cut her some slack. Your child is 12 and it does get to a point where 'challenging' behaviour at that age is something adults really don't have to put up with, whether the child has ADHD or not.

Dillythedallyduck · 04/02/2025 17:49

Hmm this does sound absolutely heartbreaking for your 12 year old. However, I can't help but wonder what her side of this is?
You make reference to her taking Valium, is she unwell in some way?
Also, how does 12 year old's behaviour manifest or how has it in the past?
Has he hurt or been unkind to her or broken something precious?
Do you always intervene when he is challenging? Taking him out or redirecting him when she seems to be stressed or upset?
Every child deserves to be unconditionally loved by their extended family and from your account she does sound unkind however I wonder if it's worth reflecting on whether there are bridges to be built rather than simply walking away?
Just a thought...

nellythe · 04/02/2025 17:50

How does your child’s behaviour present itself?
Depending on this, I could possibly see both sides here.
There is, however, no excusing her allowing anybody other than herself to be aware of this. I would consider dropping all contact with the grandchildren - you can’t allow one to be the black sheep, regardless of reason.

CulturalNomad · 04/02/2025 17:54

I have 4 DC. My mum is very close to my oldest(adult) DC. The younger 2 she will ask after and will spend time on bet own with them(not much or often)

It sounds like your mum doesn't do well with younger children in general and finds it easier to interact with a young adult. This is actually really common. If you think back to your own childhood you'll probably see some evidence of this as she's likely always been this way.

To the problem at hand..Is there an activity that your 12 year old really enjoys that you could possibly involve your mother in? Could the three of you go somewhere or do something on your own? Let your mother see another side of the child; it's not all about just difficult behaviour. Let her be a part of something that the child really is enthusiastic about.

Completely breaking contact with you mum should be a last resort as it's likely going to cause a rift involving your oldest child. If they are close to your mum they'll likely feel like they're being asked to choose sides.

Whattodo1610 · 04/02/2025 17:59

I wouldn’t take any dc to see her. You’re allowing your 12yo to be bullied. My in laws preferred one set of grandchildren to another set .. the other set (mine) saw it from approx age 11/12 and commented it to me. That was bad enough, so to have that ‘in house’ with actual siblings rather than ‘just’ cousins is horrendous. Protect your dc OP.

Notgivenuphope · 04/02/2025 18:01

How does the behaviour manifest? One thing is not sitting still and engaging in sensible conversation, and another is running round her house, trashing her things and being rude and obnoxious (I am sure your 12 year old doesn't do this)

SpringBunnyHopHop · 04/02/2025 18:02

My mum doesn’t like some of her grandkids, tolerates some and favours one. These are her own words but she makes it very obvious.

Then she wonders why now they’re old enough they never want to see her.

Original poster
Shugarhound · 04/02/2025 18:10

As it stands, my 12 year old has very little contact with her, so it’s not an issue as such. But I would like to visit her/her visit us when he’s around.
I find him quite hard work at times, but he’s my child and I adore him, no matter what.
he will tease his siblings, can say some inappropriate things, make silly noises etc.
mum and I have, in the past, have a strained relationship, but as I got older, we’re really close now. I only visit her when it’s just me and the youngest now. I know my middle DC wants to spend time with her, but mum realises that it’s unfair to spend time with one and not the other, but she just can’t cope with the one who has the more challenging behaviour

OP posts:
Original poster
Shugarhound · 04/02/2025 18:14

She will have my youngest on their own for a few hours, it out much issue. Will have the 11 year old, too. She’s never really warmed to my 12 year old since they were born. I often feel like she presents them because they came along in different circumstances to my oldest. I was older, wiser and more capable by then. I was very young when I had my oldest so relied on her quoted a bit. Not so much when the others came along

OP posts:
Weyohweyoh · 04/02/2025 18:16

It’s understandable that she’s finding his behaviour difficult to cope with. It’s this part that is unacceptable and needs to be addressed. 👇
”She pulls a face whenever they’re around and can be very abrupt and a bit mean to them.”

Soonenough · 04/02/2025 18:26

It's disappointing your mother feels this way . But she is entitled to her feelings . Your own maternal instincts mean that you love him unconditionally . Unfortunately other people , even his grandmother may not . Assuming she is an older woman and has her own mental health issues she may be too overwhelmed.
You say you even find him hard work. The only way you can see him with her is if you are totally on board with managing his behaviour and cut visits short if it gets out of control. Asking her to have him alone is probably unrealistic don't keep asking because it will upset you when she refuses. Be thankful that she does try to give you a break by having the others.

lizzyBennet08 · 04/02/2025 18:32

Honestly I think that in many families it's not unusual for some grandkids to have a closer bond to their grandparents than others. It can be down to personality or distance or whatever it mirrors life later on where you will get on better with some people than others.
I think many of the older generation can be fairly intolerant of what they see as 'naughty' behaviour regardless of the reason or diagnosis' and you admit yourself that even you as his mother find him challenging to be around at times .
Having said all that mean behaviour from an adult to a child should never be tolerated . It's completely wrong.