My mum doesn’t like one of my DC

[Shugarhound]

I have 4 DC. My mum is very close to my oldest(adult) DC. The younger 2 she will ask after and will spend time on bet own with them(not much or often) but she really doesn’t like my 12 year old. This DC has ADHD so behaviour can be challenging. She pulls a face whenever they’re around and can be very abrupt and a bit mean to them.
I think they realise this now as we very rarely visit her. I visit with my youngest(age 3) and sometimes the next oldest, but she simply cannot deal with the 12 year old.
it breaks my heart a bit that I have to ‘shield’ them from their own grandmother.
how would you handle this? Just continue to keep them separate from each other?

Whilst I agree to a degree with what you’re saying… her mum is an adult and should be able to hide her feelings in front of the child!

I think there's a difference between a grandparent struggling with a child or group of children because they don't like them and struggling with challenging behaviour.

Many kids who have challenging behaviour are bloody hard work to be around. I have one with adhd and she regularly reduces me to tears so I can quite see why someone who isn't mum doesn't want to deal with unpleasant and challenging behaviour.

I wouldn't visit her with any of my children if she made it clear that she disliked one of my kids. Visiting without him means that she is getting her own way and you are accepting her right to exclude him.

I find it so interesting how parents seem
oblivious how behavioural challenges in their children can effect them building relationships with wider family.

of course you as parents can weather and manage “robust” behaviour. Others cannot. It’s really bloody hard especially if left to babysit/care for said children.

however your mum making remarks or faces towards your DC is out of order and you should keep her away from the child as well as pull up her behaviour every time when it happens. Not after the fact until she gets it.

she might not even realise, she could just be auto responding but that’s still not ok.

Dh’s nephew is bloody hard work. So we harshly avoid them mostly. I’m sure my face isn’t always a great poker face. But then the parents parenting always seems lacking so adds to the lack of wanting to be near.

His other nephew is lovely which makes it extra hard. Abit like your mum not coping with one and being great with the other. So we just pulled away from both. A bit unfair on the nice one but yeah.

She didn't like your 12 year old from the moment he was born? How can you be OK with that? You seem pretty laid back about her excluding him due to his learning disability. Most parents wouldn't be OK with that.

You still haven’t said what you are doing about his challenging behaviours. If he is spoiling visits and getting people upset it’s unacceptable full stop.

You've both decided the best way to tackle this is to prevent the middle child spending time with their grandmother to make it fair to the 12 year old. The fact you feel it’s the child’s job to sacrifice a relationship out of “fairness “ to their sibling is absolutely ridiculous. Is there a reason their needs come second to the 12 year olds? It’s not their fault their sibling is challenging. Why should they miss out?

You’ve described a mother who’s been very supportive to you when you became a young mum, and a grandmother who is supportive to your other children. She’s told you she can’t cope with him which must have been hard. All children make silly noises and tease each other, your mum will be used to that so something else is going on.

Is he your favourite op? Because you seem to blame your mum instead of acknowledging that his challenging behaviour is having negative consequences for the rest of the family.

Does your mum believe he has a medical reason for his challenging behaviour or dies she think you're an ineffectual parent. And is she right? No offence. Just asking as I know parents who have given up trying to patent properly and it's annoying when their kids damage my furniture.

Can you explain more about how she is “mean and abrupt”? Are you confusing having boundaries with being mean?

Lots of replies… thank you.
no he isn’t my favourite. I love all my children equally.
she’s in her 70s. I don’t know if that generation ‘believe’ in adhd. I think she’s in the mindset of a good telling off will do the trick, whereas I know better.
he is medicated, but only during school time. I think it’s unfair to ‘drug’ him unless it’s for his own benefit.
if he’s being disruptive, of course I will tell him off, but once he’s got to the silly stage, there’s little I or anyone else can do about it, other than remove him from the situation, which means we all bee to go

Yep it’s bloody awful. Especially when it’s constant bad behaviour and rudeness and any attempt to pull up the child or parent is seen as criticism.

you can’t win for trying. So you just pull back.

My DM is like this and for more or less exactly the same reason. My DS is 13 and has ADHD and she doesn't even try to understand how we parent him.

We completely blank out some milder behaviour because it makes him escalate if we tell him off. But she just thinks this means it's up to her to tell him off. Guess what... he escalates.

DD on the other hand can do no wrong and if I try to discipline her I am evil and abusing her.

We minimise contact and try to do days out or very short stays. I make sure I'm updating her on what both of the DCs are doing equally but even doing that she catastrophises and makes really unhelpful suggestions.

Medical reasons or neurodivergence don’t stop behaviour from being challenging or unbearable to other people around you.

lots of anti social behaviour has a reason, that doesn’t stop it from being objectively awful to put with.

if he’s being disruptive, of course I will tell him off, but once he’s got to the silly stage, there’s little I or anyone else can do about it, other than remove him from the situation, which means we all bee to go

How does school manage his behaviour?

@Shugarhound there is good evidence that ADHD meds are needed every day because to have a calm and relaxed home life and take part in out of school activities is good for DCs who have ADHD, and meds help with impulse control and planning what to do in those types of situations too.

If you are struggling with mornings and after school as we were then you could ask about a non stimulant background drug - it has helped us a lot.

We give his long acting stimulant every day too and the non stimulant you give daily and it acts all day every day.

His adhd medication is not “ drugging “ him it’s giving him his medication that he is prescribed and needs to take for his benefit , in this case making a relationship work

you would not restrict astma medication for school time only , or think twice about any other form of medication for any other medical condition so why do it with ADHD, I’m not have a pop at you , it seems a lot of parents don’t like giving their kids adhd meds

maybe your mum needs some bonding time alone with the 12 year old ( whilst he is medicated) and they might get on?

What does she take Valium for? She's in her 70's, she's allowed to not be able to cope with a 12 year old being challenging and silly. I'd let her have the other two and see it as an opportunity to have time with him.

If he’s on medication OP, you can’t really pick and choose when he has that - it doesn’t work that way for his body or brain! Give him his medication correctly! You’re not drugging him ffs 🤦‍♀️

If you’re not giving him his med regularly they won’t actually be working to their full potential.

Think of it like taking the pill. You skip a weekend you won’t be protected from pregnancy (you may also get your period).

He won’t have built up enough in his system to feel Zen or calm and you risk the outbursts and behaviour he can’t easily control.

Take it full time and you are 99% protected.

I agree with this.

She wouldn’t be seeing any of my kids until she could treat them equally.

To be fair, I have had to educate my parents a bit about ADHD and ways of approaching things with my son who has it (youngest of two). But to be fair to them in turn, they were very receptive to it as they have always loved him even when they didn’t quite understand or know how to respond to him.

My DS isn’t medicated at the moment (I’m looking into it but it’s very borderline with him whether it’s needed) but I think from what you say it might be in your DS’s interests to medicate at home too.

I don’t think it’s “drugging” him any more than giving a daily preventative inhaler is drugging an asthmatic child (my other child has asthma so that was the first thing that came to mind!)

This

non stimulant background drug - it has helped us a lot.

can I ask what this is called please?

The reason we don’t medicate him out of school, is because of the side effects. He becomes very zoned-out(just sort of stares ahead) and it makes him nauseous and no appetite. It feels unfair to do that when not absolutely necessary. I don’t think asthma inhalers are the same in this case

This just isn't medically accurate. Most ADHD meds work either in a short release or longer acting formula but the slow release still is metabolised within an average school day. They don't "build up" in your system and prescribers often recommend the child taking them when they need them. For example, my son doesn't take them at the weekend when he plays sport because he feels they dull his performance. He was recommended not to take them if he felt like this. They still work brilliantly during the week at school.

Lots of shady advice - people should do more research before offering it.

Also plenty of abelism about 'disciplining' and ND child - you sound like a good mum who has worked out what works for you. We use non-violent resistance and it has been a game changer for the relationship with our son and subsequently his very challenging behaviour (he has a hugely opposition defiant profile of adhd). 90% of the time he is lovely now (there is a strong evidence base to NVR).

I'm really fortunate in that my parents have taken the time to work with him and respect our methods so they are incredibly loving and patient with him which means he adores them and would do anything for him. I also have 4 kids and they show non favouritism. I'm so sorry your mum can't do the same.