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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My mum doesn’t like one of my DC

63 replies

Shugarhound · 04/02/2025 17:08

I have 4 DC. My mum is very close to my oldest(adult) DC. The younger 2 she will ask after and will spend time on bet own with them(not much or often) but she really doesn’t like my 12 year old. This DC has ADHD so behaviour can be challenging. She pulls a face whenever they’re around and can be very abrupt and a bit mean to them.
I think they realise this now as we very rarely visit her. I visit with my youngest(age 3) and sometimes the next oldest, but she simply cannot deal with the 12 year old.
it breaks my heart a bit that I have to ‘shield’ them from their own grandmother.
how would you handle this? Just continue to keep them separate from each other?

OP posts:
TanginaBarrons · 05/02/2025 04:43

TanginaBarrons · 05/02/2025 04:41

This just isn't medically accurate. Most ADHD meds work either in a short release or longer acting formula but the slow release still is metabolised within an average school day. They don't "build up" in your system and prescribers often recommend the child taking them when they need them. For example, my son doesn't take them at the weekend when he plays sport because he feels they dull his performance. He was recommended not to take them if he felt like this. They still work brilliantly during the week at school.

Lots of shady advice - people should do more research before offering it.

Also plenty of abelism about 'disciplining' and ND child - you sound like a good mum who has worked out what works for you. We use non-violent resistance and it has been a game changer for the relationship with our son and subsequently his very challenging behaviour (he has a hugely opposition defiant profile of adhd). 90% of the time he is lovely now (there is a strong evidence base to NVR).

I'm really fortunate in that my parents have taken the time to work with him and respect our methods so they are incredibly loving and patient with him which means he adores them and would do anything for him. I also have 4 kids and they show non favouritism. I'm so sorry your mum can't do the same.

Show quote history

I should say I am talking about stumulant meds.

hazelnutvanillalatte · 05/02/2025 06:31

TanginaBarrons · 05/02/2025 04:43

I should say I am talking about stumulant meds.

Show quote history

Yes, lots of misinformation on the thread - stimulant ADHD meds don't work like SSRIs or other meds that 'build up.' It's like saying you have to drink coffee every day so the caffeine builds up in your system. ADHD meds do not need to be taken every day to be effective.

AmusedGoose · 05/02/2025 06:46

I would suggest that she sees the kids together on neutral territory. A child with ADHD is going to be happier in a park or play area anyway. I would never visit her house with the children. It's probably rather stressful for everyone. Remember you can't change other people but you can change how you react to them.

andyouwillknowusbythetrailofdead · 05/02/2025 06:48

Then she’ll throw a Valium down her neck
You mean she'll take the medication she's been prescribed to help her with her mental health? Or is it only you and your children who are allowed to struggle with that?

Oaktree1952 · 05/02/2025 07:02

I would wonder where your child's ND came from. If you have a look at parents/grandparents there is usually non diagnosed ND there. Maybe she is struggling with her own ND and his behaviour is a trigger for her. I absolutely agree that she should not be unkind and rude to him but equally your son's ND is not an excuse for rude behaviour towards his siblings. That must be very hard to witnesses.

My youngest has ADHD and my mother really struggles with that relationship so I understand where you are coming from. However, my mother clearly has ASD that was never diagnosed and therefore she is really triggered by the noises and behaviour of my dc. I talk a lot about excepting each other for who we are, for making allowance for adaptations that have to be made. Just has we have to accept my dc for who they are, equally we have to accept dm for who she is.

StMarie4me · 05/02/2025 07:25

WTF does she get Valium from these days?! I'd be very worried that this is contributing to her static behaviour. I wouldn't have any of my kids near her tbh.

NestaArcheron · 05/02/2025 07:28

DKaspre · 04/02/2025 17:38

Everyone will say YANBU but I wouldn’t want to spend much time around a family member with challenging behaviour either. How does this behaviour manifest?

You realise that he can't help it, right?

NestaArcheron · 05/02/2025 07:32

The amount of the ignorance toward neurodivergent children in this thread is absolutely astounding.

UndermyShoeJoe · 05/02/2025 08:12

Happy to learn and be corrected re the meds. Just most of the time when prescribed things doctors always say it needs to build up. Everyday is a school day.

user1492757084 · 05/02/2025 08:27

Find your mother some reading materials about your child's condition. She won't be meaning to upset him.

Reality is that she is not equipped to cope with his behaviour.
I would not use your mother's poor abilities at caring for a child with excessive needs as a reason to stop all contact. That is not fair to your other children nor to your mother. You would also miss out on a useful babysitter.

Sit down alone with your Mum and ask her to please not show when she finds DC2 taxing. Remind her that it would hurt DC2 if he detected that she found him a challenge.

In the meantime, Op, you need to be there in the back ground making each family visit work. Predict when your DS2 will need a new game, outside time, more food (pack things he eats), and help direct your mother to know more about caring for him.

It might be that your mother will always feel nervous and uncomfortable; it will not be out of malice.

drspouse · 05/02/2025 08:53

Shugarhound · 05/02/2025 04:01

The reason we don’t medicate him out of school, is because of the side effects. He becomes very zoned-out(just sort of stares ahead) and it makes him nauseous and no appetite. It feels unfair to do that when not absolutely necessary. I don’t think asthma inhalers are the same in this case

That sounds like you should think about a different stimulant.

The non stimulant we have is Intuniv but there are several types.

Whattodo1610 · 05/02/2025 11:39

Shugarhound · 05/02/2025 04:01

The reason we don’t medicate him out of school, is because of the side effects. He becomes very zoned-out(just sort of stares ahead) and it makes him nauseous and no appetite. It feels unfair to do that when not absolutely necessary. I don’t think asthma inhalers are the same in this case

You really need to get him back to GP/paediatrician to sort his medication out. It’s not fair on him to not have something that may be helping him and how he feels.

CaptainFuture · 05/02/2025 12:48

So many posts being derogatory about the DM and her mental health while berating her for not understanding re the DS behaviour!
From the OP 'throwing valium down her neck' to the delightful 'WTF does she get Valium from these days?! I'd be very worried that this is contributing to her static behaviour. I wouldn't have any of my kids near her tbh.'

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