Sisters too busy to see me

[OpalDreaming]

So, I live abroad and yes it was my choice but due to my husband's work. I've been living abroad for 5 years and my sisters have never visited me due to financial reasons (they each go on modest family holidays with their nucelar unit and perceive time spent visiting me as taking away from time with their nuclear family something like, if they visited me then they wouldn't have enough time to spend with their own family). They have two girls each, my nieces, and I have one girl, their niece. The girls are between 4-8 yo. My siblings still live near my hometown so our parents do a lot of childcare (after school etc) and the girls (except mine of course) spend time together there. A few weeks ago, I had a unique opportunity to visit my hometown on my own without my partner or daughter for a weekend which meant I was free on both Saturday and Sunday morning. I set this out in advance and said I hoped I'd be able to visit their homes and spend some time with my nieces, and them, whilst I was solo. However, and long story short, they said they are both busy (one siblign gave a reason something like, we have things to do and seeing you would mean we couldn't achieve the things we need to for our fmaily, and the other didn't give a reason and just say they coudn't do it after initially agreeing to it). I am absoilutely devastated. I told them both it was fine, and honestly, I can't imagine ever saying anythign differently because I think the fall out with be too damaging. From my perspective, I am just deeply hurt. I know this focusses on my wants, I wanted to see them (and I'm only talking 30 mins for a cuppa or someat), but I am just so upset. I can't understand why they would say no. I feel so hurt and rejected, I worry for my own daughter because she's a single child and I can't see either of her aunts seems to make an effort to see her. In contrast, I message a friend to see if she was free in one of the slots and she said something like, I'll make it free it'll be so great to see you. Am I being unreasonable to be so upset by my sisters?

You moved away.

You put your nuclear family over extended family.

You can't criticise them for doing the same.

Weekend mornings for a busy family isnt very convenient for most. It also sounds very prescriptive.

If you want a closer relationship you have to be closer & make more effort.

When does it suit to catch up? is what you could have said.

Can you not all meet at a playground for a picnic?

That is hurtful to not even make half an hour effort to catch up.

@unmemorableusername Thanks for your persepctive, I appreciate it. I believe I am making an effort.

@user1492757084 Thank you for sharing. I will keep that sentence in mind for next time.

@Tradersinsnow I appreacite your persepctive, thank you. Yah it's the brew that hurts - tother stuff I get

I can understand your Sisters not being happy at giving up their free time to a certain extent. It sounds like they lead busy lives and value their routines. Why not make arrangements to meet each of them at your parent’s home, when they pick up their children? It’s you who has all the free time in the week, so if you want to see them, make the effort to fit in with their commitments?

I think if you want your Sisters to be more involved in your life, you are going to have to build some bridges in different ways, perhaps via a Zoom/video call every so often, let the neice’s say hello, see if they want to communicate. Five years without a great deal of contact is going to need some rebuilding, time and patience. It may not actually happen in your generation, but it might happen for your neice’s hopefully.

I don't think you're unreasonable at all. I'd be very hurt by this. I couldn't imagine not carving put a small bit of time to see my DSis who was visiting for a weekend if my sister lived abroad. I wonder if there's resentment that you moved away?

I can’t see how much notice you gave them?

I think fits pretty off. Unless they had some prearranged thing they could t get out of, for instance a sport they coach or had offered lifts to other families for something I can’t see why they couldn’t have found time.

Were you completely open with availability or was it 10am or nothing?

I’ve been let down y someone recently. I do t blame them, but know I know where I stand.

Where do you live? Is it somewhere tourists would visit? Why can’t the sisters come out together one weekend?

perceive time spent visiting me as taking away from time with their nuclear family something like, if they visited me then they wouldn't have enough time to spend with their own family)

I assume that if they took annual leave to visit you they wouldn't have enough left to have their own holiday and other family activities. You sound really dismissive of this. The onus needs to be on you to visit if you want to see them.

My sister lives in Peterborough uk i live in Thailand not seen her in almost 17 year.
She calls may be once twice a month tbh i cant be bothered with it.
I went low contact for a reason.
My choice to leave best thing i done.

Were you flexible with times that you could go and visit them during the 2 days? If my sister came home I’d definitely make time for her. In a whole 48 hours most people can find half hour spare. Just depends what they prioritise that bit of spare time on though.
They are not wrong for prioritising their existing plans and choosing their immediate family, you chose yours when you moved away. So your not being unreasonable to be upset but equally they are also not being unreasonable

Yes, this. And ‘I want to spend some time at your homes to spend time seeing my nieces’ sounds like a completely different, and much more open-ended proposition than ‘I’d like to see you for half an hour for a cup of tea’.

People tend to be busy on weekend mornings. Lots of people with young children are dropping them to sports/swimming lessons etc. Maybe you’d have had a better response if you’d offered to join them on the sideline of their daughters’ football game or sit in the viewing are at the pool or whatever.

Why were you only available for 30 mins for a cuppa one morning. Generally kids are doing clubs or something at weekends. You seem like you were just popping in fir a duty visit. If you were available you should have said. I'm back sat and Sunday. Let me know what suits you to call and see you. If time is limited I'll just come for a brew .

I also live abroad my brother and family have never been to my house although they visit my country for holidays. I completely understand their holiday time is valuable and their children want to be at water parks on an all inclusive rather squashed in my apartment

This is becoming an increasingly common problem. You are not alone in this although it may definitely feels like it. We are living in a time where it is "OK" to be disjointed from families and we are seeing it filtered down into every day life.

But the OP is disjointed from her family because she lives in another country! I lived in another country to my whole family for years, and had DS overseas. We couldn’t resent other people for not visiting us with limited AL, or expect them to drop everything for us if we showed up at home at short notice with only two specific mornings free!

Yes, I'd be hurt too. I'd like to think I was more important in my sisters' lives than this suggests. It seems suprising then couldn't spare half an hour for what seems a rare chance to see you. I'd be tempted to ask if there was a bigger problem, though would also be nervous of the risk of making things work.

Unfortunately though, you just have to let them make their choices. Keep on making your own efforts to stay in closer touch as long as you want to and it is not too painful, and live with the fact that it is less important to them, perhaps because they are the ones still at home with all the family/friends circle that goes with that.

Were you close growing up and how did they react to you leaving the UK?

When you say you set out in advance, what does that actually mean? From their point of view you prioritised your own family, moved away and made it hard and expensive to keep in contact.

If you sent a message the week before saying I am back net week and want to visit on sat or Sunday morning I can see why they cant be bothered. Whereas if you said "lovely surprise for me I am in xx for work in three weeks time and have the weekend to enjoy, I'd love to catch up if there are any times that work for you?" then they are probably being a little unfair. It depends I guess on how much of a routine change you are expecting them to accommodate.

Absolute rubbish. Many, many people don’t live in the same place as their siblings/parents nowadays and manage to maintain a close relationship. Gone are the days where families all live in the same town and pop in and out of each other’s houses.
My in laws live abroad (PIL in one country, BIL and SIL in another). They moved, their choice. We have a close and loving relationship with them, and would always make time for them if they were visiting the UK.
My parents live 2.5 hours away within the UK. We have a close and loving relationship with them too.
YANBU OP.

You don't mention how frequently you normally see your parents and sisters?

Looking at this as a neutral party this sounds like
You : My sisters can never be bothered to come and see me

Sisters : Our sister can never be bothered to come and see us properly; but expects us just to drop everything when she happens to be in the area.

Organise a proper visit to see them with everyone agreeing in advance what is or isn't convenient.

There are several elements to your post.

That they haven’t been to visit you overseas, Money and free time are clearly limited and they want to spend it with their own nuclear family, and perhaps have PIL to fit in too, so I think YABU on this one.

That you wanted to be able to spend time with them, and gave them plenty of notice. It isn’t clear how definite your plans and time scales were, and what options you suggested. It sounds a bit as though you expect them to drop everything for your visit, without taking into account what may be going on in their lives. That may not be the case, but did it come across that way?

That they aren’t making even a small amount of time available to you. Here I think you do have a point. I would expect sisters who were on good terms to make some sort of effort to meet up, even if it meant a temporary disruption to existing plans. A half day off work, a weekend, you’d think those would be doable.

So I’m wondering if they resent your moving away, and are making a point. Do they think you’ve dumped them with caring for your parents? Are you financially a lot better off than them? Is meeting up likely to make them feel inadequate?

I think it’s worth a conversation, but I’m sorry to say I don’t think you are very welcome at the moment. However, you friend sounds lovely.

I'm really grateful to everyone that has taken the time to post. I am surprised to find that it's hurtful to be misunderstood on here, even though I can see that my original post is missing some details and misleading in respect of some other things. But, even so, I've found the range of responses to be really helpful. I wrote the post when I was really upset. I've been stewing over this for the weeks since it happened. To answer some questions and succinctly as possible:

this visit was unique in that I could come alone and we all seemed to agree that being able to spend time with the nieces as an aunt and not having to parent at the same time would allow more time to be spent on the nieces;

I gave three weeks notice that I would be visiting and that I would be available for anything that meant I could see them and when I would be available;

initially there was a positive response and so I made my travel plans on this basis;

I understand why they cannot visit me and don't resent it but occassionally it still hurts if I am honest for reasons I won't go into BUT this post was not about that (although I appreacite that I muddied the waters by mentioning it becasue I was upset), this post was about the time when I was able to visit alone;

I live in France and I always have returned to the UK with my family in school holidays and I prioritise matching school holidays, I never stay with them, I always make myself available, they rarely ask when I will visit and or ask to do things together when I do visit.

I am sure I have left some things out and that I certianly did not behave perfectly.

I’m sorry you’ve found responses hurtful OP, this is a very blunt place but remember we don’t know each other, so it’s never personal against you and will be coloured by people’s own perspectives.

I moved away from my home town at 19 and have never really been back. My sister also moved away. We didn’t visit each other even when we were on reasonable terms and have been nc for decades.

On the other hand when my DPs retired abroad we bent over backwards to visit them so that our DC could have a relationship with them. Some people are prepared to make the effort and some aren’t.