Sisters too busy to see me

[OpalDreaming]

So, I live abroad and yes it was my choice but due to my husband's work. I've been living abroad for 5 years and my sisters have never visited me due to financial reasons (they each go on modest family holidays with their nucelar unit and perceive time spent visiting me as taking away from time with their nuclear family something like, if they visited me then they wouldn't have enough time to spend with their own family). They have two girls each, my nieces, and I have one girl, their niece. The girls are between 4-8 yo. My siblings still live near my hometown so our parents do a lot of childcare (after school etc) and the girls (except mine of course) spend time together there. A few weeks ago, I had a unique opportunity to visit my hometown on my own without my partner or daughter for a weekend which meant I was free on both Saturday and Sunday morning. I set this out in advance and said I hoped I'd be able to visit their homes and spend some time with my nieces, and them, whilst I was solo. However, and long story short, they said they are both busy (one siblign gave a reason something like, we have things to do and seeing you would mean we couldn't achieve the things we need to for our fmaily, and the other didn't give a reason and just say they coudn't do it after initially agreeing to it). I am absoilutely devastated. I told them both it was fine, and honestly, I can't imagine ever saying anythign differently because I think the fall out with be too damaging. From my perspective, I am just deeply hurt. I know this focusses on my wants, I wanted to see them (and I'm only talking 30 mins for a cuppa or someat), but I am just so upset. I can't understand why they would say no. I feel so hurt and rejected, I worry for my own daughter because she's a single child and I can't see either of her aunts seems to make an effort to see her. In contrast, I message a friend to see if she was free in one of the slots and she said something like, I'll make it free it'll be so great to see you. Am I being unreasonable to be so upset by my sisters?

Is there any underlying resentment to
yoh moving or something happened prior to
leaving. Or maybe a naturally standoffish family.

it’s a bit weird. Yes people are busy or have things going but odd they couldn’t find 30 minutes for you in their weekend.

i think your daughter will be fine, I assume you have friends and a circle you live?
make an effort to build community where you are, she won’t miss what’s she never had. Create a chosen family for her.

I get you OP. I would feel hurt too. I think it's clear they don't care about you and contact with you the way you care about them.
It's rubbish. You could say something to them or just accept the reality and stop making all the effort. I would probably tell them how hurt you feel first.

You will need to make close friends near where you are and make them your family.

Them not visiting your country is one thing, its a huge cost and use if annual leave. Do you have space for them to stay with you as a family? If you do and they won't ever consider making their holiday to your country then uts a bit sad but understandable.. But making zero effort to see you when you are in the country for a weekend and offering to come to them is really shitty.
Did you have a good relationship before you left? Are they full siblings, raised by the same parents? Is there some backstory around your marriage, are you financially better off than them now? Do you keep in regular contact with messages and pictures etc?
It sounds like they are content to let your sibling relationship basically die off. Which is crap but I'd allow to happen, stop making an effort that isn't matched.

That's very sad to hear. Such a shame and I understand why you feel so deflated.

How was your relationship with your sisters growing up? Would it be something you could discuss with them. I think we all tend to downplay how hurt we feel, but it may easily be rectified by talking openly and honestly.

Sorry but if you move abroad you cannot expect much.

my sisters have never visited me due to financial reason & perceive time spent visiting me as taking away from time with their nuclear family

A few weeks ago, I had a unique opportunity to visit my hometown on my own without my partner or daughter for a weekend

Sounds like you don't visit them either?

Why?
My in laws moved abroad. We still make the effort to see them whenever possible, because we love them and want to spend time with them. And them us. They didn’t move to get away from us, it wasn’t personal.

Op, Some of the responses here are exactly why your sisters responded the way they did. Everyone has become so selfish and insular. Nobody wants to be flexible anymore.

Pressed send too quickly.
I moved away and was a flight away from my family. We came home 2-3 times a year and everyone would pile to my parents home (where we stayed) on the day that we arrived to greet us- every single time. Maybe they stayed for 5 minutes, maybe a few hours, but they always came. They also visited me, usually once a year/ 18months.

I'm Irish though and I think culturally people are more family orientated and less rigid.

No it doesn’t. The OP has said that she visits in school holidays. This was just unique in that it was a visit without her children in tow.

People are different aren’t they? Those that prioritise wider family and seeing each other can’t understand the perspective of the people that don’t. Some people just aren’t as bothered, or it doesn’t occur to them or come naturally because they’re focussed on other things. OP if your relationship with your sisters is important to you, keep going at it and trying, don’t give up but try and manage your expectations and how hurt you feel when it doesn’t pan out - that’s the bit you can control. As an added extra here - if they’re close to each other they have that relationship, they’re not missing out. I get that you feel like you are, but I don’t think you’d ever be as close as they are given you live so far away. It’s a shame but that’s the situation you’re in.

I completely understand how you feel, @OpalDreaming . My sisters are really lovely, but they are also busy with their jobs, relationships, and children. I often feel like I'm last on their list of 'things to do', and it hurts, quite a lot. I know that they have more pressing priorities than hanging out with me, but I'm always there for them. I will drive for hours to see one, fly to another country to see the other. 10 times in the space of a year (not great for my carbon footprint), but spending time with them and their children is just so important to me.

They don't seem to think the same about spending time with me.

The financial side of not visiting France is fair enough. The not making an hour to see you, dreadful. I have two sisters who now live in the same area. They are closer to each other but they’d make time to see us if we visited. What does your mum think?

God you poor thing! That's absolutely terrible. I think you have to find a way to let them know how it's made you feel. I don't see why you should have to pretend you are cool with it, that's not very honest is it?

I would be hurt if my siblings couldn't meet up for a coffee when I'm in the country.

But there is something so odd in the way you write. You had a "unique opportunity" to visit your hometown but your sister said that "seeing you would mean we couldn't achieve the things we need to for our family". Who talks like that? People say "Sorry, Jimmy has a karate exam". And "I set this out in advance and said I hoped I'd be able to visit their homes" is odd too, because normally you would just say "the wedding is at 2pm so can we meet for coffee in the morning? Maybe at yours?" It is all so robotic sounding.

Anyway, I have also moved away from where I grew up, and sometimes it is hurtful when I fly back and people basically can't be arsed to meet up (friends rather than family) but sadly I think it is a cost of moving away. People's lives fill up in our absence and some people keep a space for us but some don't.

Now you say France I do think it’s off that they can’t come to visit you it’s not like it’s Australia it’s a place you can visit in a weekend or bank holiday

also considering you gave 3 weeks notice it’s rather telling neither of them could not spare the time

what do you think us the issue ?

Rubbish - my family are spread out all over, we never pass up an opportunity to see each other. I cannot understand the mindset that if people move away they are no longer worth knowing!

Not coming to visit you in France is understandable.

Not finding a spare hour after being given three weeks notice, to see your sister after so long, is really shitty and can completely understand why you’d be upset.

Try not to worry about your DD. Mine has lots of cousins she doesn’t see because of distance and is an only child, she has lots of very close, lovely friends that are like brothers and sisters to her and she’s very happy and has a busy social life.

I agree with all of this. I can't imagine a close relative coming over from abroad after I'd not seen them for a while, and not making every effort to see them (other than in rare circumstances like family emergencies or other large events such as if I had already committed to going to a wedding). Do you know what they were actually doing?

What did your mum think about it?

Agree with all of this.

I'd be very hurt too OP. But do you really know what's going on in their lives - do you keep in close contact via online usually?

Weekend mornings are often hectic with classes with kids at that age so not a great time to drop in for coffee and it wouldn't be a quality visit anyway. I think seeing your whole family for a meal or something makes more sense, but they may still be too busy. We've just had Xmas and people are back into the weekly routine now so even if they were positive at the prospect the reality is it's just another thing to fit in and they don't want to see you enough. Which is sad but you did move away so that's how it tends to go. Just because you're back doesn't make them want to drop things in a royal visit way. It's nice your friend was more accommodating but then friends get to choose you while sibling dynamics are more complicated especially with sisters. They may resent the feeling of obligation/imposition more than a friend ever would even if they still love you.

I can’t imagine my in laws coming to visit from abroad and us not making the effort to shift things around to see them, because we love them and we miss them and we want to spend time with them. I have 3 kids with 3 sets of weekend activities and we would (and do) drop them all when we have out family to visit from abroad. So many people seem to resent people for moving away and see it as a rejection of them. The OP moved for her husband’s job.

It sounds like you guys just don’t really have a relationship. How was it before you left?

I mean it’s pretty rude to not even spare a half hour but yeah if you are not and we’re not close as siblings it’s just one of those things.

We see dh’s sibling and their children maybe twice a year and we live in the same city they are not overly close, the cousins are definitely not close and don’t ask after each set to make that a reason to meet up either.

Totally agree with all of this.