Sisters too busy to see me

[OpalDreaming]

So, I live abroad and yes it was my choice but due to my husband's work. I've been living abroad for 5 years and my sisters have never visited me due to financial reasons (they each go on modest family holidays with their nucelar unit and perceive time spent visiting me as taking away from time with their nuclear family something like, if they visited me then they wouldn't have enough time to spend with their own family). They have two girls each, my nieces, and I have one girl, their niece. The girls are between 4-8 yo. My siblings still live near my hometown so our parents do a lot of childcare (after school etc) and the girls (except mine of course) spend time together there. A few weeks ago, I had a unique opportunity to visit my hometown on my own without my partner or daughter for a weekend which meant I was free on both Saturday and Sunday morning. I set this out in advance and said I hoped I'd be able to visit their homes and spend some time with my nieces, and them, whilst I was solo. However, and long story short, they said they are both busy (one siblign gave a reason something like, we have things to do and seeing you would mean we couldn't achieve the things we need to for our fmaily, and the other didn't give a reason and just say they coudn't do it after initially agreeing to it). I am absoilutely devastated. I told them both it was fine, and honestly, I can't imagine ever saying anythign differently because I think the fall out with be too damaging. From my perspective, I am just deeply hurt. I know this focusses on my wants, I wanted to see them (and I'm only talking 30 mins for a cuppa or someat), but I am just so upset. I can't understand why they would say no. I feel so hurt and rejected, I worry for my own daughter because she's a single child and I can't see either of her aunts seems to make an effort to see her. In contrast, I message a friend to see if she was free in one of the slots and she said something like, I'll make it free it'll be so great to see you. Am I being unreasonable to be so upset by my sisters?

Sounds like they’re pissed off with you for some reason. Maybe just be blunt and ask them if you’ve done something to upset them!

I can't think of anything I wouldn't move or miss on a morning, especially on a weekend where I'd miss the chance to see you. I'm sorry, I think all of my siblings, who are many (7) and live all over would do the same.

It depends on what they do at the weekends.

I have weekends that if someone asked to come I could say "sure, what time suits".
And weekends where I would be in the position of "I should be back about 6pm on Saturday night, but I must leave again by 7 and Sunday only before 10am or after 7pm.
And weekends where I'd have to say that I couldn't meet up at all.

And some of the booked up weekends are booked up months in advance. I can tell you now that the last example I can give you a weekend next December where that would be the case
Me pulling out would mean not just me inconvenienced but others too.

For whatever reason your siblings don’t care to be an “aunt” to your child and they clearly don’t have the same sentimental idea about the cousins being close. Look at how anxiously you tried to create space to “focus” on your nieces—as though your own child is seen as tacked on and not really family snd your role as mother is seen as distracting from your duty as sister/aunt.

Anyone outside your family ever observed that your family treats you as the scapegoat or forgotten child? Do they dislike your partner? Think you have “gotten above yourself” by living “abroad?” Resent you for having more disposable income?

Your post is sad—I would be sad too if my own dd’s were so unloving and cold to each other. But I suspect this is down to some cery old to ic family patterns that predate the move.

I live in France too and have to accept that no-one will visit me either.
I do go back to the UK once a year and see family, but they do make time to see me though.
For me, the issue is keeping in touch as it always seems one way traffic from me. People seem to think because I'm not in the UK I've fell off a cliff 🙃.

What were you doing the rest of your visit? If this was me and someone said I'm only free in the mornings and I was busy, I probably wouldn't prioritise seeing them either, as they're clearly not prioritising seeing me by arranging a mutually convenient time.

I think since you gave 3 weeks notice, at least a short get together could have been arranged and I understand you being upset about that. Were you close before you moved away?

The thing is, weekend mornings with kids can be challenging, especially if they're younger or have scheduled activities they don't want to miss. That would be the worst time for a visit for me (but I would make time even if I had to hire a sitter for an hour or two).

You're at a distance both physically and emotionally. Their daily lives are intertwined in a way you aren't a part of and you're feeling excluded. This is part of the cost of moving away. Your daughter is not going to have built in companions because she's got cousins and aunts in another country.

You restricted the time you were available to mornings only

If you were so keen to see your family, surely you'd be available 24/7?

I'm sorry you've found replies difficult.

I dont think anyone wants to hurt you.

It sounds like you had good intentions wanting to spend qualities with DNs

Whether your DSIS's were genuinely too busy or it was a rejection all anyone here can do is speculate.

Families can be tough.

It's no lost cause though!

If, for example, the reason she’s in the country is because she’s attending a wedding on the Saturday afternoon, then she’s only going to be available in the morning.

Absolutely

There remains Sunday afternoon, though