Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sick of the constant comments- should I stoop to his level?

52 replies

MsRollersk8er · 03/02/2025 21:19

nc for this. I am so worn down by DPs constant running commentary around the house. Its so petty and mind numbing that I have ignored it for as long as I can but its really getting me down. For example if I was sitting down with a cup of tea then I went to the toilet on coming back in the room he is there with the empty cup saying - what’s this? Have you finished with it? Ect. If I put empty the shopping on the side and fold the bag up to go back out to the car he picks it up waggles it at me again whats this ect ect. But me to him - if he leaves a cup and i am walking past i pick it up and take it. I don’t mention it. Plates on the side - I put in the dishwasher without comment. Shoes on the floor - I put in the shoe rack. I think that’s what we should do just have each others back? Yet yesterday I left my wet shoes to dry by the garage door and came back an hour later to find the shoes had been thrown 5 metres to the otherside of the garage. My toothbrush if I don’t put it in the pot gets thrown in the bathroom bin. Ect. He doesn’t work outside the house he is a sahd we have a 5 and 7 yr old I work full time 80 hours a week so yes I know sometimes am overwhelmed with work and all the mental load so can at times be absent minded. But I think his comments and reactions are extreme and unkind especially as I pick up after him without any reaction. My question is - should I start being like him to prove a point? Stoop to his level?
YABU - stoop to his level
YANBU - two wrongs don’t make a right

OP posts:
RoastDinnerSmellsNice · 03/02/2025 21:22

I would absolutely stoop to his level in this instance OP! You're the one working 80 hours a week, while he's at home, and yet you still pick up his stuff and put it away if it's there, and you're passing. If he can't do the same for you, then I don't think a bit of tit for tat, will do any harm in this situation, just to show him that he's not as perfect as HE obviously thinks he is!!

Fluffyowl00 · 03/02/2025 21:24

I’d stoop to his level for a week (every single thing). and then have a sit down and ask where we were going from there.

Youcanttakeanelephantonthebus · 03/02/2025 21:24

Yanbu, he sounds completely insane and abusive so I would just leave. He throws your toothbrush in the bin, wtaf is that about?

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 03/02/2025 21:27

Is it possible that DH is for some reason in a fury of irritation with you? It's as if he is grabbing any halfway legitimate excuse to pounce on you. Throwing your toothbrush away and chucking your shoes around sounds angry, not houseproud.
At a time when you're on better terms it might be more useful to ask him what's going on, rather than playing his game.

OnYerselfHen · 03/02/2025 21:27

I think your voting explanation is wrong? I think you're definitely not being unreasonable so you should stop to his level. Am I wrong?

I say either do exactly as he does, or completely leave it, don't pick it up so he has to.

MysteriousInspector · 03/02/2025 21:30

"What's this then?"
"A cup."
and so on...

RudbekiasAreSun · 03/02/2025 21:34

this shit would be out of my life the minute he threw my shoes once or my toothbrush

RickiRaccoon · 03/02/2025 21:38

I understand being annoyed when you're trying to keep the house tidy. (I get the shoes and cups but is there any reason not to immediately put the toothbrush in the pot when it's right there? Though you are working 80 hours so I'm surprised you can function!). However, your DH is having pretty extreme reactions to it. He's very stressed or just very unreasonable generally.

If your kids are 5 and 7, they are maybe both in school. DH should go back to work because he's clearly not coping mentally at home. And you are working far too much. 80 hours is not healthy. Hopefully, the work rebalance helps sort things out. In the meantime definitely point out everything he does too!

Donttellempike · 03/02/2025 21:40

This is the behavior of someone who is deeply resentful. He seems to hate you

I would, and did, leave a similar horror.

DorothyStorm · 03/02/2025 21:41

Why is he not working and you’re working 80hours a week? That’s crazy.

i would absolutely stoop to his level while I planned to leave.

PinkCandles · 03/02/2025 21:42

Is he patient with the kids? Flinging shoes across the garage and throwing your toothbrush in the bin makes me wonder how he is if they leave a toy out or leave their shoes in the wrong place.

Catza · 03/02/2025 21:46

It won't change anything. I would start with having a calm and constructive conversation. If that doesn't work, nothing will..
My ex made similar comments. He is an ex...

FrangipaniBlue · 03/02/2025 21:50

I would love to see the comments if the roles were reversed.....

"I'm a SAHM and do all the housework, parenting, childcare etc while DH is out the house for 80 hours a week. I try to keep things tidy but DH comes in and just leaves everything where it lands - empty cups, empty carrier bags after shopping is put away, he can't even put his toothbrush in the holder he just leaves it in the sink!"

Have a read of this OP.....

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sinkbb_9055288

SummerFeverVenice · 03/02/2025 21:58

I voted YABU, but really it’s because I don’t think it is an either/or situation.

I would have a serious talk with him about his behaviour and point out how you do tidy up and why isn’t he trusting that you will tidy up after yourself? If you do find you wander off and forget, can you set times to do a quick sweep together say after DC are in bed and both of you tidy everything up.

It does sound like he is resentful and some of his actions display that he may feel like you are a 3rd child. He may have a point on a few things, ie about the toothbrush…I mean how do you put it down somewhere other than the holder after using it? That seems deliberately provoking imho, which will influence how he sees other things- wet shoes in garage- that were not at all in the same category.

ttcat37 · 03/02/2025 22:00

If my DH threw my toothbrush in the bin, he would find his in the toilet bowl. If you’re going to play the game, make sure you win.
Oh, and LTB. Your husband is a controlling bully.

Original poster
MsRollersk8er · 03/02/2025 22:01

Thanks everyone for your comments. Just to clarify sorry its not 80 hours every week its 60 hours most weeks, with it being 80 hours if I need to to overtime at the weekend. I do all the mental load, food shopping meal planning batch cooking school activity organising party planning holiday planning childrens clothes buying sorting out ect. I clean and tidy as I go -and at the weekends my jobs are things like washing and ironing the weeks laundry changing the beds ect so I feel like I do more than pull my weight. Its just sometimes he gets to things before I have even finished eg the cup and the shopping bag. I am the breadwinner and I know that is our set up but I wish that I had a wife or my mum living with me as despite him being a sahd I feel like he puts in 20% what I would do but yet is treated like a hero for being a sahd. Meanwhile I constantly feel on the edge of a breakdown whilst being told what a good dad he is for taking and collecting the kids from school. Anyway I think based on your feedback I need to fight dirty whilst planning my exit.

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 03/02/2025 22:03

What on earth am I reading

This man is certainly abusive

It is not ok to throw your toothbrush out for the reasons described and i despair for your poor children!

Donttellempike · 03/02/2025 22:04

Does he do anything? God what an absolute prize. Not.

Emmie765 · 03/02/2025 22:04

I disagree. I don't think you will feel better by being horrible to someone. And I do think it is horrible to treat someone that way. If my OH threw my toothbrush in the bin, he would be in his car on the way to a hotel, no matter where I had left it. That isn't a relationship, at least not one I would want to be in.

rivalsbinge · 03/02/2025 22:08

Sorry I've just read your update?

He's not a SAHD he's a nasty cocklodger, you do what? The cooking, shopping mental load, cleaning working 80 hours.

Does he want you dead with exhaustion? Op this has to change, why isn't he working?

gamerchick · 03/02/2025 22:10

If you're putting that sort of time in and he's a SAHP then all you need to do is pick up after yourself OP.

I wouldn't be stooping to his level. I'd be reading him the riot act with swears.

Are you a machine? I feel tired just reading all of that. When I was on 52hr weeks my husband did more than his fair share and he works full time as well. Teamwork is everything.

I really hope you get some down time.

Pollyanna87 · 03/02/2025 22:11

Leave him. Abusive bastard.

Pollyanna87 · 03/02/2025 22:14

And I can’t believe you’re doing shopping, cooking and housework on top of working 60-80 hours a week, especially considering that he stays at home and your children are school-aged. You deserve better.

Honeycuresstuff · 03/02/2025 22:15

Donttellempike · 03/02/2025 21:40

This is the behavior of someone who is deeply resentful. He seems to hate you

I would, and did, leave a similar horror.

Exactly this, OP. He’s demonstrating behaviours of a horrible man, who views you with the upmost contempt. You don’t need to put up with feeling like this, for next 30/40 years??

Honeycuresstuff · 03/02/2025 22:16

Pollyanna87 · 03/02/2025 22:14

And I can’t believe you’re doing shopping, cooking and housework on top of working 60-80 hours a week, especially considering that he stays at home and your children are school-aged. You deserve better.

Yes 💯