Sick of the constant comments- should I stoop to his level?

[MsRollersk8er]

nc for this. I am so worn down by DPs constant running commentary around the house. Its so petty and mind numbing that I have ignored it for as long as I can but its really getting me down. For example if I was sitting down with a cup of tea then I went to the toilet on coming back in the room he is there with the empty cup saying - what’s this? Have you finished with it? Ect. If I put empty the shopping on the side and fold the bag up to go back out to the car he picks it up waggles it at me again whats this ect ect. But me to him - if he leaves a cup and i am walking past i pick it up and take it. I don’t mention it. Plates on the side - I put in the dishwasher without comment. Shoes on the floor - I put in the shoe rack. I think that’s what we should do just have each others back? Yet yesterday I left my wet shoes to dry by the garage door and came back an hour later to find the shoes had been thrown 5 metres to the otherside of the garage. My toothbrush if I don’t put it in the pot gets thrown in the bathroom bin. Ect. He doesn’t work outside the house he is a sahd we have a 5 and 7 yr old I work full time 80 hours a week so yes I know sometimes am overwhelmed with work and all the mental load so can at times be absent minded. But I think his comments and reactions are extreme and unkind especially as I pick up after him without any reaction. My question is - should I start being like him to prove a point? Stoop to his level?
YABU - stoop to his level
YANBU - two wrongs don’t make a right

He throws your toothbrush in the bin??!
What a nasty man he is. No respect or consideration for you.
Your kids are at school. Why doesn't he work?

Your load sounds insaneOP. Your DP sounds angry and resentful. You need to talk about your life, roles, how you want to be in the next few years. It sounds horrible for you. Also your DC will hear him speaking horribly to you which is unsettling for them.

So what exactly does he do if you have to do all that? He sounds like an utter asshole. Don't stoop to his level. Tell him to fuck off.

Also the kids are now 5 and 7.

Time for a revaluation of the set up. He needs to get a job.

He hates you. He hates his life. He's bored. He's lazy.

Find alternative childcare, then throw him out. I suggest you do this with witnesses present once you've all your ducks in a row.

There's benefits out there if you have to reduce your hours.

I do all the mental load, food shopping meal planning batch cooking school activity organising party planning holiday planning childrens clothes buying sorting out ect. I clean and tidy as I go -and at the weekends my jobs are things like washing and ironing the weeks laundry changing the beds ect so I feel like I do more than pull my weight.

So what the fuck does this prince of a 'SAHD' do all day???

You're being taken for a mug OP (and not one you left out earlier!!). Tell him to get his arse in gear and get a job. And yes, stoop to his level.

I wouldn’t stoop to his level but I would comment on things he’s likely to be a twat over.

Eg, ‘ I’m leaving my cup here for the moment because I’m a grown ass women and can do that in my own home without being policed’

You need couples counselling as he clearly has lost the plot on how to behave like a decent human being… or get your ducks in a row ….

sorry op

Can’t vote on this because I don’t like the choices, sorry!

Throw his toothbrush in the toilet? I’d stuff it up his arse!

You do 60 hours, the cooking, shopping and cleaning and just about everything else and all he’s got to do is turn out twice a day for the school run. Then he’s got the cheek to say “What’s this” like you’re a rather silly child who forgot their school bag?

Tell him to either get a job or get out. You can do without that kind of undermining and expect you could find some other system for childcare that doesn’t involve being spoken to like that by a lazy bastard.

Get rid, OP. Unless he brings fabulous sex to the table he’s just a waste of space.

I don’t often see red, but your post has me fuming! The bloody cheek.!

I haven't voted because neither option will fix things. He's abusive. Whatever caused him to be like this, he's abusing you, and being a terrible role model for your children.
It's good that you're planning your exit. I'd be interacting with him as little as possible in the meantime.

Why are you doing laundry and food shopping/meal planning? What does he do all day while your children are at school?? He sounds like a controlling pig to be honest. I can't imagine my DH telling me off for such petty things. I'm forever finding my DHs empty mugs all over the house, it's one of his annoying habits! But I just pick them up and put them in the sink - I'm sure I have annoying habits too!

I come from a working class background where "taking care of the breadwinner" was a thing, because if the breadwinner falls, you all fall (into the workhouse back then) The partnership involved in this was far more equal than the set up you have, ie, the breadwinner would not do anywhere near as much at home as the person not working, because time, energy and fact they are there all day and breadwinner isn't.

This is wisdom and survival from the bloody 19th century

He is not contributing as a stay at home person should and eventually it will break you.

He is behaving agressively, he's petty, and apart from very basic parenting - bringing the kids to and from school - it sounds as if he is contributing nothing to your life, and is a very poor role model for your kids.

I think you need to focus on your exit, don't get involved in tit-for-tat actions with him, it's a distraction, and he could get nasty. See a solicitor asap and get everything sorted re leaving.

Present him with a fait accompli - it's over, he's out, or you're leaving with the kids, you don't want couples counselling, but you should agree to mediation to sort of access, family home etc. He might want a second chance, as he's losing his cushy lifestyle, but as a pp said, he's treated you with contempt, and I don't think there's any coming back from that.

And while people may be saying that he's so great to look after his kids, I'd say at least 90% are thinking 'what does he do all day? He has it so easy!', but feel they have to say something nice to cover up their judging.

Just as I suspected, yet another lazy arsed man, who thinks he's hard done by, doing a few things for the kids, whilst his wife works full time, and picks up everything that doesn't even enter his brain!! Doesn't matter whether it's 80 hours or 60 OP, you're still working more than the average working week, and then still expected to do what most men consider to be 'women's work' when you get home. Your husband, sounds like an absolute arsehole, and I really hope you meant what you said about fighting dirty while planning your exit.

You could communicate like adults. Or you could stop moving his stuff for him AND take photos of all of the things he’s left lying around then text to them to him in one barrage when he next has a whinge. I personally would 100% do the latter. Sometimes pettiness has more impact 😄

I would get him back to work before planning your exit so he does not have a claim of spousal support, rp etc

The kids are 5 and 7 so will be at school. He's not wrestling a baby and toddler. A woman who was a SAHM while her kids are at school while the dh was working 80 hours I can assure you would be roasted if she complained about her dh leaving his shoes to dry and said she flung them across the garage. Or complained about him leaving his cup of tea while he went to the loo. Especially if he was tidying up after her as OP is doing for him.

Dear God, I don't know how you put with him!
No, I wouldn't stoop to his level, but I'd make it crystal clear I wasn't taking anymore of his disrespectful, condescending crap either.

Not through angry words or tears but by fixing him with a "F*. Off " facial expression. Be sure to narrow your eyes as if contemplating whether to skewer him and roast him for dinner and be done with it. (Well, meat is expensive.) And I wouldn't be rushing to the sink to wash the cup or to the car with the carrier bag either. No, No, No. 60 hours at work and everything else you're doing, what exactly does he do? And what does he want for his efforts, a gold star? Honestly, I'm furious on your behalf!

In light of your drip feed update, I take it back.

I wouldn't stoop to his level of commentary but I would stop picking his stuff up for him.

"Throw his toothbrush in the toilet? I’d stuff it up his arse!"

😂

Don't bother wasting your energy in a tit for tat. Use it constructively and end this relationship. If you are working flat out at work and at home, what exactly is his contribution?

You say DP so presumably you’re not married and it won’t cost you anything to get rid of him. Do that asap and choose peace and harmony over his aggressive bullshit. He’s a weight around your neck. Life will be a million times easier without him in it.

Where do you put your toothbrush if not in the toothbrush pot? I'd assume a toothbrush left lying around was destined for the bin tbh.

Otherwise bin him too. But take care of your toothbrush. Get an electric one actually.

If he asks you "what's this" you should sarcastically reply - "I don't know, you tell me?" Would love to know what he says to that... some men think they are so clever 🙄🙄
This shit annoyed me by just reading it 😅

I do all the mental load, food shopping meal planning batch cooking school activity organising party planning holiday planning childrens clothes buying sorting out ect. I clean and tidy as I go -and at the weekends my jobs are things like washing and ironing the weeks laundry changing the beds ect
Why on earth isn't he doing any of that? You doing a week's worth of washing at the weekend is nuts.

He doesn't like you OP. He really doesn't like you. To throw someone's shoes across the garage is something I'd do if I hated that person. Not the shoes of someone I love.
You pay for everything in that house the cheeky bastard! Lock him out

I'm outraged in your behalf, OP!

You don't sound nearly as angry as you should be.

The cheek of this lazy prick!

It seems like he resents and hates you. For what, God only knows. Where TF would he be without you?! You literally do everything except the school runs!

I would see red if I heard people saying what a great dad he was. But I suppose they have no idea what's happening in your home.

I don't know how you do it all OP. I'd have had a nervous breakdown.

Because he doesn't do a lot, I don't think there you'd notice if he no longer lived there, except you'd have a bit more money...