How to make your vulva clamp shut: a tinder story

[stayawayyyyyfromdatingapps]

Hi ladies!

I'm after your funny / horror / tinder or date stories or something that made your vulva clamp shut from men. Fucking men. I want to stay away from men and dating apps and in seeking to be completely put off for life!

I'll go first.. I got an absolute shiner off of tinder say to me 'I really want you to be my girlfriend, so you can see to my trouser cannon every day.

Fucking TROUSER CANNON.

Another: got to an organised drinks first date, and the guy had those white stringy bits all around his crusty lips. I kept licking my lips in the hope he'd do the same and kept thinking fuck me if he kisses me im going to have to see the hygienist.

Another took screenshots off of my social media, and told me that im wearing 'too much makeup' and he likes his 'girls' (yes girls) to dress modestly and be more natural. The photo he picked was me at a concert, covered in glitter.
Note: this bloke has botox. But told me off for wearing glitter.

Lastly: met a bloke in the supermarket of all places. Asked me out for a drink and I agreed. Exchanged numbers. (I was 18 at this point). He said that he was Russell brands cousin and he had RB and katy Perry coming round that evening for drinks and would I like to join? I was SO EXCITED. Funnily enough, I'd just seen her on tour the week before and knew for a fine fact she wasn't in the country. But anyhoo I thought I'd play along. Anyway, he said he would pick me up at X time on the back of his motorbike. (I wouldn't have gone.) when he told me he was on his way, apparently in the 10 minute journey his Nan died, and he also got pulled over for speeding and immediately lost his license and asked if he could come to mine.

I am so happy to be out of relationships. Men can fuck off. Posting for traffic.

I'm pretty old now, but there are a couple that stick in my mind...

The bloke that my sister brought back to my mum's after a night out, that stripped completely naked in the kitchen - and then when she went in to make coffee, gestured to his cock and said "look at that and tell me you don't want it" 🙄

The two blokes that me and my mate met on a 'chatline' (remember those?!), one of them PISSED on my friends mums front wall when he picked her up...

The bloke that showed me a picture of his cock on his phone when I came back from the loo on a first date...

There are so many. Men are proper dicks.

The country style singer and Nicole Kidman. I put £20 on. Any other bets!? 😁

First ever date the guy turned up wearing a cape, like a full on floor length blue velvet cape

His name was Basil, boom boom! (ask your gran)

Be still my beating heart! God. What I wouldn't give for a party of three there...! ❤💓😛

I met a guy through OLD who, when he was late to meet me, explained that he had come via the pub he had been in the previous night as he had to collect the prize he had won in a raffle. Apparently the prize was a bottle of champagne which he felt obliged to open and drink before coming to meet me.

The date was okay, he told me he'd been in a band (they were real - I googled them) and he'd taken a particular singer out while they toured together - I was unable to check that fact.

We ended up in a pub full of his workmates, it was odd so I made my excuses and left. He texted the next day and I declined the offer of a second date. He was fine about it then after about a month sent me a dick pic out of nowhere in case it would encourage me to go out with him again!

I very briefly dated a guy in my late teens (he was early twenties), who was v clearly trying to look like Eminem. He used to follow any vaguely nice comment etc. with 'and stuffs'... "I just think you're really cute and stuffs"... He definitely thought it was cute. I was nearly sick in my mouth each time he said it. I ended things speedily when I went from feeling a bit nauseous to wanting to punch him.

Before I got the internet so not a tinder one..

Took a date back to my place, Started kissing in bed then he suddenly stopped me to announce he really needed a drink, I went downstairs to get him something to drink, Got back upstairs and he was gone.

Was a bit confused but got on with my night, Went to bed later that night and discovered he had c*m all over my bed (under my duvet), I had to buy a new mattress. I was so pissed off at the time.

Of course, only white men are mediocre on MN!

😂😂😂

Another guy I met off tinder had used old photos. He’d put a lot of weight on since they were taken but I don’t really care about weight etc so didn’t mention it. He wanted to take me to an expensive place, and insisted he was paying for dinner. So when we got there I said I’d get the drinks first. He ordered several expensive cocktails on me, then took me to Nando’s to eat 😂. As the evening wore on I noticed he was giving off very strong BO. He told the most obviously bullshit stories about how his uni lecturer masturbated at the start of a sexual psychology lecturer, and how he’d flown to surprise his ex at Harvard and walked in on her being bent over a desk by the college dean 😅😅😅 Anyway, I stayed politely and tried to walk to the bus stop alone. He took his jacket off and kept trying to put it on me until I was practically running from him. Then at the bus stop, tried to get a kiss by pouting suggestively until I’d said no several times.
I text to let him down gently and he said he knew it was because he was fat and accused me and all women of only caring about looks! Nothing to do with the bullshit, the cheapness, the BO or the not taking no for an answer of course!
I came off the apps at that point, not putting myself through it 😂

I once had the partner of a friend who had just given birth come round, drop a roll of banknotes on the table and say ''I'd give a woman this just to get my end away''...

He was a good looking man, but I was genuinely shocked.

I most definitely didn't take him up on his offer. - he later had an affair .

This was before online dating though- 1999 era.

Interesting. I was more envisaging the whole lot sort of folding in on itself in horror and refusing to emerge again. As that is how reading a lot of these stories is making me feel.

I've told this story on here before but back when I was 22, in the early days of MSN messenger etc, through mutual friends, I thought I had secured a date with a mega hot bloke 'James' who worked in a local phone shop.

Day of the date comes, I live on my own in my own house at this point by the way, the date turns up on my doorstep....and he was very much NOT the James I thought I had signed up for.

He was excitable as he told me he was happy to drive into town, in his little Peugeot 106, which was his mums car he had borrowed.

He delighted in telling me 'I can't believe I've got a date with you, a much older woman!'....he was 19. My fanny was well and truly clamped shut by this stage, half because of his description of me as some old hag, the other because the idea of a teenager was just weird.

Anyway, to stop myself from being rude we went to a bar and he insisted on buying me a lemonade. I wanted wine, he said he couldn't afford that. No worries, I'll buy the wine and thanks for the lift.

An hour or so of chatting and he was just like so overly keen, talking about how he was going to take me to meet his mum etc. I was like woah, slow down!

Anyway, I feign that I'm so tried and he says he will drop me home. We pull up on my driveway and he hints at coming in. I was like 'sorry I've got an early start tomorrow, thanks for a nice night' with the intention of letting him down fully the next day....he then starts telling me how he can't go home now because his mum will have locked him out and will be cross if he wakes her up, no spare key etc. I was literally thinking oh my god!

Short version of what happened next - i suggest he thinks of a solution and go to the loo (to text my next door neighbour to say please knock in 5 mins as this situation is weird). I come back to the lounge and there he is, laying on the couch, cock out. I literally wish I was making this up, the thought still makes me cringe now. To add insult to injury his penis was honestly tiny. Poor bloke.

Fortunately my neighbour was round quite sharpish and we managed to feign an emergency and he would have to leave. He wasn't happy!

Next day he text me to say I owed him petrol money!

Ironically I did end up actually dating the James I thought I was seeing briefly a few years later, who confirmed the other James was indeed, a strange sort.

I had a guy tell me that just because I was ugly, it didn't mean that I didn't deserve someone good looking 🙄😂 (he wasn't actually that good looking either, and I had massive red flags as I thought he would end up abusive) so I didn't see him again. Had multiple abusive messages, then nice ones so my instinct was correct.

Another one asked me on a first message what size my boobs were, so I politely replied 'I've not decided yet as that's not yet on my sex change journey' - funnily enough, I never heard from him again! (This was a long time ago and I was born female and am female, and nothing against anyone that genuinely goes through this).

And the last one I can think of was a 'business man' (ahem scammer) who asked me to send him steam business cards as all his bank accounts had been frozen and he needed to close a business deal for millions of pounds... with a £20 steam gift card 😂🤣

I was chatting to a man online and we didn’t even arrange a date. We moved to WhatsApp and he sent me a video. I must admit I was worried it was going to be him wanking but it was worse - It was a video of him dad dancing in his living room looking straight into the camera 🤦‍♀️ and he looked so pleased with himself!

He messaged and asked what I thought - I literally had no words

Lord, grant me the confidence of a mediocre white man

😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣

🚩 🚩🚩

🏃‍♀️💨💨💨

Can someone please explain the ‘chad’ thing? I’ve seen it on here a few times, used in the same kinda way ‘Karen’ is used to stereotype a certain type of woman, but I’ve never met a Chad in real life and I’ve no idea what ‘type’ of bloke it is implied would be called Chad 🫣

google says :
WHAT DOES CHAD MEAN?
Chad is a usually disparaging internet slang term used for a popular, confident, sexually active young white male. Its female counterpart is Stacy, who is often portrayed as Chad‘s sexual partner.
Use of Chad is associated with the incel community and the website 4chan to refer stereotypical alpha males.

I come back to the lounge and there he is, laying on the couch, cock out. I literally wish I was making this up, the thought still makes me cringe now. To add insult to injury his penis was honestly tiny. Poor bloke.

I am literally agog at some of these. Im not particularly surprised but it is still shocking.

The audacity and ego of utterly crap to very average men never fails to astound me.

I've had a few
The guy who messaged me to say that it was a shame I didn't live closer cos he'd be on me like a bear.
The guy that cancelled our date because he didn't believe my IQ could possibly be higher than his. Needless to say, I unmatched with him. Then 3 months later he tried to ask me out again!
Another guy wanted to know what I was doing in Scotland when my profile said I lived in Wales. I was too freaked out to answer that one!
Special mentions also go to the guy who took me out and spent the whole night talking about his ex and the guy who asked me if I wanted to go swinging with him!
I don't do OLD any more!

My list

1. From a site where you couldn’t swap photos. Told me that people said he had a look of Jack Sugden from Emmerdale. Nice guy but he looked more like Percy Sugden
2. Nice looking guy on screen. Told me was 5’8”. I’m 5’4”. He turned up- smaller than me and wearing a hearing aid. Had to swap places so he could hear me
3. Nice pic, nice in real life until he opened his mouth with the biggest set of crooked yellow teeth 🤮
4. Looked nice, professional bloke. 5’8” again. Told me jokingly he wouldn’t expect sex on a first date (he wasn’t getting it anyway!) Like women to wear skirts/dresses. Turned up, same height as me again. We sat down in the pub, the he asked if he could sit closer as he couldn’t see me properly without his glasses!

Still happily single. I was in my late 40s/early 50s so they were all similar ages to me hence the disabilities!!

@stayawayyyyyfromdatingapps Another: got to an organised drinks first date, and the guy had those white stringy bits all around his crusty lips. I kept licking my lips in the hope he'd do the same and kept thinking fuck me if he kisses me im going to have to see the hygienist.

Ridiculing medical issues on an online forum. Lovely.

How is that medical?