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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How to deal with a partner that loves you more?

61 replies

ReadingMum95 · 02/02/2025 21:40

I’m in a situation - I’ve been with someone nearly a year - but I know for a fact that they love me more and that can sometimes be quite intense and it’s making me feel quite suffocated.

Examples - they constantly stare at me, even if we are watching tv or just chilling out on the sofa or in bed, I’ll catch them staring at me and when I call them out on it they say things like “you’re just so so beautiful” or “I just love you so so much”. It gets quite annoying because I feel like I can never fully relax because I feel watched all of the time.

They tell me about 5 times an hour that they love me - I then feel like I have to say it back each time and it just feels like a lot. They also tell me they miss me all the time - even if it’s an hour after they’ve left and gone home sort of thing.

They also can be quite clingy and wants to spend a lot of time with me, and when we are together, they are quite touchy and always wants cuddles etc - whereas I quite like my own personal space at times.

I don’t have any concerns about abusive behaviour - as it doesn’t come across that way - I think they are just quite clingy and needy at times but it’s making me feel a little bit suffocated. At first, it felt quite nice with someone being so attentive but now it’s starting to put me off slightly.

AIBU? How to handle this? They are such a lovely person in so many ways but can a relationship move past this?

OP posts:
Agix · 02/02/2025 21:46

Its only been a year. Theyll more than likely settle and simmer down - practically every relationship does. You might miss it then. As long as the neediness isnt controlling etc then I wouldnt worry. Might want to voice that you need space now and then though.

barstar · 02/02/2025 21:47

I would be pulling back from that relationship tbh

TartanTrewses · 02/02/2025 21:50

I think my parentner found me a bit like that at the beginning and told me to try and branch out and find other hobbies. Then I did and he got annoyed because I was really into my other friends. I think getting a balance right can be quite fiddly.

MidnightMeltdown · 02/02/2025 22:08

YANBU

Men like this give me the ick. It's not about 'loving someone more', it's desperation and neediness. I think it comes from a place of insecurity, but they don't realise how off putting it is to the other person

No advice, sorry. I personally couldn't handle a relationship like this.

Endofyear · 02/02/2025 22:26

Oh God no, I couldn't deal with that level of clingy and needy. I doubt you'll be able to change it so I guess you have to decide whether you can deal with it or not? It would give me the massive ick!

Newnamehiwhodis · 02/02/2025 22:29

Ugh no. I was with someone like this, and he did wind up being a controlling, abusive creep.

the clinginess, even if it doesn’t come with eventual abuse, is a huge red flag.

SwingTheMonkey · 02/02/2025 22:54

This sounds like a 15 year olds relationship. Do they really tell you, literally 5 times an hour, that they love you? Because that sounds like an exaggeration.
There’s a simple solution though - you haven’t been with them for that long so it will be reasonably easy, just break things off if you’re not feeling it. Which you’re clearly not.

MeganM3 · 02/02/2025 23:05

I wouldn't like this.
Sounds either manipulative or pathetic..

The first one - run.
Second one - not sexy.

Fidgety31 · 02/02/2025 23:07

Ugh sounds like you’ve got a puppy not a boyfriend !

SereneCapybara · 02/02/2025 23:13

MidnightMeltdown · 02/02/2025 22:08

YANBU

Men like this give me the ick. It's not about 'loving someone more', it's desperation and neediness. I think it comes from a place of insecurity, but they don't realise how off putting it is to the other person

No advice, sorry. I personally couldn't handle a relationship like this.

I feel the same. It's not about loving you more, it's about expressing love in quite a needy and attention-seeking way. This would drive me nuts and eventually put me off someone.

An adult, however much they love someone, should be able to cope for a few hours without missing the other person. And being told they love you 5 times an hour is actually very demanding, as you feel obliged to say it back when you're not in the mood.

If you otherwise love them too, have a word. Say you find the constant comments and stares a bit stifling and would feel more comfortable if he calmed it down a bit. Explain that being watched or feeling you have to declare love several times an hour just makes you uncomfortable, and not wanting this doesn;t mean you feel less, it just means you don't feel the need to announce and prove it all the time.

MrsClatterbuck · 02/02/2025 23:13

That would totally give me a serious ick. The more someone did this the more I would back away. Tbh they wouldn't get to 6 months let alone a year before I would finish with them. Very smothering.

Catza · 02/02/2025 23:15

I am assuming I love you 5 times an hour is an exaggeration. If someone is touchy and you are not, there isn't really anything you can do to move past it. You have different needs, and I wouldn't be happy with someone like you. Touch is important to me.
I wouldn't describe myself as clingy, but I found myself checking my partner out a lot. Like, if he were to come into a room, I'd always look at him. I realised after a few years that he never looked at me. It felt a bit like the mum from Bridget Jones - I could literally walk in with knickers on my head and he wouldn't notice. I took the hint and I left him. I suggest you save them the hassle and do the same. You are clearly not interested.

Blusterylimp · 02/02/2025 23:19

I’d quite like to be adored like that. Don’t knock it as there are plenty of people treated with indifference or even contempt by their partners.
Have you spoken to him to ask him to rein it back in a bit?

Saphire123 · 02/02/2025 23:25

How you describe it, he is acting way too intense, bordering on creepy.
Everyone likes to be told they are beautiful and loved by their partners, but not stared at and suffocated with adoration.

Can't you tell him (in a kind way) he is coming on too strong?

myotherusernamesarebetter · 02/02/2025 23:28

Blusterylimp · 02/02/2025 23:19

I’d quite like to be adored like that. Don’t knock it as there are plenty of people treated with indifference or even contempt by their partners.
Have you spoken to him to ask him to rein it back in a bit?

No, you just imagine you would. You’re not being remotely helpful. This isn’t love - it’s smothering.

Circumferences · 02/02/2025 23:31

This is EXACTLY how I am with my cat 😲

Does he have a hundred nick-names for you?
Does he also try and pick you up all the time and rub his face into your tummy?

Are you sure you're not a cat?

whynotwhatknot · 02/02/2025 23:33

no its too much its obsessive

i was with someone like this it was too much just after a few months

GiddyCrab · 02/02/2025 23:35

I had one like this. Unfortunately I felt pressurised into marrying them.
It did not work out. Huge mistake.
I'd consider ending this relationship.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 03/02/2025 00:03

You dump them because they're clingy as fuck!

NowThatYouSayIt · 03/02/2025 00:11

I’d find that profoundly unattractive and deal either way it by politely ending things.

Original poster
ReadingMum95 · 03/02/2025 00:21

Thank you for all the helpful replies and comments!

With the saying I love you so many times - unfortunately it’s not an exaggeration at all. It’s usually around that many times when we are together in person because they’ll say it after giving me a kiss or cuddle or something like that - so probably 5 times an hour!

The people saying how nice it is to be adored like that and I’ll miss it when it’s gone sort of thing - that’s what puts me on the fence of thinking is this just really nice to have someone look at me that way/express their feelings for me so often or is it just too much sort of thing?

I don’t know if it’s worth pointing out that their family doesn’t really bother with them much (in the fact that they always have to reach out and contact them first) and they only have a couple of friends so I feel like they cling to me a bit more because I’m all they really have on a day to day basis sort of thing?

OP posts:
Blusterylimp · 03/02/2025 00:24

Have you spoken to him about it OP as he probably doesn’t realise that it is too much for you?

Original poster
ReadingMum95 · 03/02/2025 00:28

Blusterylimp · 03/02/2025 00:24

Have you spoken to him about it OP as he probably doesn’t realise that it is too much for you?

No I haven’t because I feel awkward… he is constantly going on about how happy I make him, and how he feels so comfortable and chilled out and happy around me… that I feel like I can’t turn around and say anything and ‘ruin it’ for him if that makes sense?

OP posts:
healthybychristmas · 03/02/2025 00:30

I wouldn't like this either. I'd be very unnerved if someone kept staring at me. I'd get really bored having to tell someone I loved him when I wasn't planning to tell him that.

Maybe you need to have a good conversation with him and tell him that the way he's behaving is really putting you off. It gives him the chance to make changes.

Blusterylimp · 03/02/2025 00:34

ReadingMum95 · 03/02/2025 00:28

No I haven’t because I feel awkward… he is constantly going on about how happy I make him, and how he feels so comfortable and chilled out and happy around me… that I feel like I can’t turn around and say anything and ‘ruin it’ for him if that makes sense?

Show quote history

Yes, it definitely needs to be handled sensitively but if he is really driving you away then the relationship is going to fall apart anyway if he doesn’t change.
Im useless at phrasing things properly but I’m sure some other posters on here will be able to suggest a way to raise it with him without upsetting him too much.
If he is so sensitive that you can’t have honest communication with him then the relationship is probably doomed unless you are going to walk on eggshells all the time for fear of upsetting him.
Good luck.