How to deal with a partner that loves you more?

[ReadingMum95]

I’m in a situation - I’ve been with someone nearly a year - but I know for a fact that they love me more and that can sometimes be quite intense and it’s making me feel quite suffocated.

Examples - they constantly stare at me, even if we are watching tv or just chilling out on the sofa or in bed, I’ll catch them staring at me and when I call them out on it they say things like “you’re just so so beautiful” or “I just love you so so much”. It gets quite annoying because I feel like I can never fully relax because I feel watched all of the time.

They tell me about 5 times an hour that they love me - I then feel like I have to say it back each time and it just feels like a lot. They also tell me they miss me all the time - even if it’s an hour after they’ve left and gone home sort of thing.

They also can be quite clingy and wants to spend a lot of time with me, and when we are together, they are quite touchy and always wants cuddles etc - whereas I quite like my own personal space at times.

I don’t have any concerns about abusive behaviour - as it doesn’t come across that way - I think they are just quite clingy and needy at times but it’s making me feel a little bit suffocated. At first, it felt quite nice with someone being so attentive but now it’s starting to put me off slightly.

AIBU? How to handle this? They are such a lovely person in so many ways but can a relationship move past this?

Noooo. I had a boyfriend like this in my early 20s. To be fair he was a nice enough lad and he wasn't controlling. But he was very clingy and needy and put me on a pedestal (I am very ordinary!). It also seemed to be an excuse for not doing other things in his life / hanging out with other people etc - I was his only focus. I don't think it was healthy really and among other things it led to the end of the relationship.

You say they love you more; but do you actually love them at all or do you just think you should?

Sometimes it feels like leaving a relationship is a failure, but if you don't love them move on

@ReadingMum95 So you’re already being controlled - you can’t ask for what you need because you have to prioritise their feelings and needs. Not ok.

The behaviour is intrusive. You are being used as a love object from a very selfish perspective. Utilised. A partner who truly cared about you, and noticed your ‘tells’, would have sensed long ago that you don’t like it. They just don’t care how you feel about it.

It would be unhealthy and detrimental to you to stay in this relationship.

I dated someone like that very briefly. I only lasted about 4-5 weeks and then I had to get out. He completely overwhelmed me and basically wouldn't let me have space from him as he probably realised if I did I would have time to reflect and realise he makes me too uncomfortable.

This level of overbearing affection is super selfish and it only happens because it makes him feel good. He isn't reading you at all, he doesn't care about how you respond or feel in this. It's manipulation and love bombing.

There is probably a reason why he has such a small life socially, and it's not because he is such a lovely person and everyone else is horrible. There is a reason why you feel uncomfortable and it's because you have a healthy mind and healthy level of attachment to people. Don't get sucked in to this dependent state that he is trying to involve you in.

If he had t shown any signs of being controlling, I’d just put it down to his way of expressing affection. My husband and I are like this. I think of it in my head as he’s a golden retriever and I’m a black cat. I don’t need constant affection and I’m very aloof with my compliments and show of love. He’s the exact opposite but we understand each others way of showing love and affection and have done a lot of self reflection on this. We are very happy and it works.

It's almost like he is trying to convince himself of his feelings.

Say it enough times ans it will be true kind of things!

I think I would let him go as it doesn't bode well for the future and could turn to jealousy and being controlling.

He sounds very insecure.

My DH is a bit like this although not as 'bad'. Sometimes he looks at me and says 'you're so beautiful' (spoiler alert, I am not 😁) But I just laugh and say 'you're a weirdo'.

Frankly, after an abusive marriage and another relationship where the person had nothing but contempt for me, it is refreshing in many ways. But yeah, if it is all the time and full of neediness it would get on my nerves quite quickly too.

I guess mid-way between indifference and overdoing it is about right. With a bit of being genuinely wowed by the wonderfulness that is you.

If you were both loves' young dream and mooning at each other constantly and it was mutual, then you might just be one of those couples, they are out there.

The issue here is that it is not mutual. Do not underestimate the insidious nature or the tenacity of a lovebomber. You're already being manipulated by his behaviour, yet can't see it, because you do not feel able to voice your feelings about his behaviour.

It's already begun. You have to talk to him about this straight. He will either deal with it like an healthy respectiful adult and and respect your feelings, or it will not go well. There you will have your answer.

The lack of relationship with friends or family also a flashing light for me. Not usually a brilliant sign.

We keep a chair in the hallway outside the bathroom so I can sit and talk to him while he showers.

I can't tag the poster, maybe deregistered?

Anyway, this is creepy and reeks of insecurity, I vent work out of it's on his part not trusting you while he takes a shower or you not trusting him to shower. Either way, very very weird. Do you not have anything else to do?

Not trusting each other to take a shower 😅 What is supposed to be happening in there for the other person to be supervising?

But it would have to bee not trusting him, he doesn’t often come for chats while I’m in the shower as my curly hair makes that an hour-long affair, and yes he certainly has better things to do than sit in the hallway for that long. But he showers for under 15 minutes, which is a nice amount of time for me to read him some outrageous news articles and for us to discuss them. I did say in my original comment that I don’t work, so anything better I do have to do can wait, I don’t need to iron or meal plan at any specific time.

I hope it doesn’t come across as rude if I say that it actually reeks of insecurity to me to feel like there’s something to pick apart or dissect about why a couple might like spending time talking to one another. My husband and I love to talk, sometimes about drama going on in his work chat, sometimes about something funny I’ve seen posted on Mumsnet, sometimes about a game he wants to play or a book I’m reading or something going on in his family or mine.

@LostMyLanyard , I completely understand if the way my marriage is doesn’t sound appealing to other people, that’s completely okay! Not everything is for everyone, however, it is great for me and I’m sure it would be for many others. Obviously I don’t have to justify anything, but I feel that it’s relevant that my husband and I both have autism, and are repulsed by closeness and physical touch with others, even in our immediate families. In each other, we have found someone who feels like a natural extension of ourselves, who understands us without the need for explanation and without us having to internalise feelings of “otherness”. There are many parts of other people’s marriages that do not sound appealing to me - like regular sex. For my husband and I, intimacy once a month or less is ideal, and the thought of more frequent encounters for anything other than reproduction is horrifying, but it doesn’t mean I can’t acknowledge that for many people, that’s an integral, sometimes daily, part of their relationship. It would be a bit offensive if I decided that made them sex-crazed loons, just as it’s a little offensive to me that you would presume to have a monopoly on deciding what constitutes an “adult relationship”.