Page 2 | How to deal with a partner that loves you more?

ReadingMum95 · 2025-02-02T21:40:33+00:00

I’m in a situation - I’ve been with someone nearly a year - but I know for a fact that they love me more and that can sometimes be quite intense and it’s making me feel quite suffocated. Examples - they constantly stare at me, even if we are watching tv or just chilling out on the sofa or in bed, I’ll catch them staring at me and when I call them out on it they say things like “you’re just so so beautiful” or “I just love you so so much”. It gets quite annoying because I feel like I can never fully relax because I feel watched all of the time. They tell me about 5 times an hour that they love me - I then feel like I have to say it back each time and it just feels like a lot. They also tell me they miss me all the time - even if it’s an hour after they’ve left and gone home sort of thing. They also can be quite clingy and wants to spend a lot of time with me, and when we are together, they are quite touchy and always wants cuddles etc - whereas I quite like my own personal space at times. I don’t have any concerns about abusive behaviour - as it doesn’t come across that way - I think they are just quite clingy and needy at times but it’s making me feel a little bit suffocated. At first, it felt quite nice with someone being so attentive but now it’s starting to put me off slightly. AIBU? How to handle this? They are such a lovely person in so many ways but can a relationship move past this?

Ladyof2025 · 03/02/2025 00:39

Why do you call this person "they"?

LeafofLorien · 03/02/2025 00:43

Ladyof2025 · 03/02/2025 00:39

Why do you call this person "they"?

Probably because they want to keep the post ambiguous as to whether OP is male or female or they are non binary and preferred pronoun is they/them. Doesn't really matter does it? Not the point of the post.

batt3nb3rg · 03/02/2025 01:07

myotherusernamesarebetter · 02/02/2025 23:28

No, you just imagine you would. You’re not being remotely helpful. This isn’t love - it’s smothering.

Show quote history

Surely unless you're commenting with experience of a similar relationship, you're also not being remotely helpful. My husband is pretty similar to what OP describes in their post - he is effusively affectionate, both verbally and physically, and is forever coming up behind me while I'm washing up or cooking to kiss and cuddle me, jumps into bed for ten minutes for a snuggle on the way past the bedroom if I end up tucked in to read a book ages before his bed time. He regularly turns the lamp on when we're cuddling in bed so he can look at me and tell me how beautiful he thinks I am. He's very complimentary and thankful whenever I do the simplest of things for him, like cooking a meal or making an experimental cocktail or returning something to a shop for him, even though I am a housewife and all of those things fall under the umbrella of my responsibilities. We both say "I love you" pretty much every time we see each other, or leave the room, or leave the house, and if we're sitting together in a room doing different things we will usually average a few out of the blue every hour. And both of us certainly put on big displays when we've been reunited after a couple of hours out, but then he works from home so we're both used to being at home together or out together most of the time. We keep a chair in the hallway outside the bathroom so I can sit and talk to him while he showers.

We have been together for nearly ten years (since I was fourteen), lived together for five, and married for three, so not in the honeymoon phase by any account. I understand how someone might not like to have the kind of marriage I do, but that's just a compatibility issue - it doesn't mean those who are very affectionate by nature don't actually feel love.

CaptainBeanThief · 03/02/2025 01:20

batt3nb3rg · 03/02/2025 01:07

Surely unless you're commenting with experience of a similar relationship, you're also not being remotely helpful. My husband is pretty similar to what OP describes in their post - he is effusively affectionate, both verbally and physically, and is forever coming up behind me while I'm washing up or cooking to kiss and cuddle me, jumps into bed for ten minutes for a snuggle on the way past the bedroom if I end up tucked in to read a book ages before his bed time. He regularly turns the lamp on when we're cuddling in bed so he can look at me and tell me how beautiful he thinks I am. He's very complimentary and thankful whenever I do the simplest of things for him, like cooking a meal or making an experimental cocktail or returning something to a shop for him, even though I am a housewife and all of those things fall under the umbrella of my responsibilities. We both say "I love you" pretty much every time we see each other, or leave the room, or leave the house, and if we're sitting together in a room doing different things we will usually average a few out of the blue every hour. And both of us certainly put on big displays when we've been reunited after a couple of hours out, but then he works from home so we're both used to being at home together or out together most of the time. We keep a chair in the hallway outside the bathroom so I can sit and talk to him while he showers.

We have been together for nearly ten years (since I was fourteen), lived together for five, and married for three, so not in the honeymoon phase by any account. I understand how someone might not like to have the kind of marriage I do, but that's just a compatibility issue - it doesn't mean those who are very affectionate by nature don't actually feel love.

Edited

Show quote history

Me and my DH are pretty much the same, together for ten years, living together for 9 and married for 6.
If he stared at me and vice versa I would tell him to f off with that but everything else you describe we are the same.
We will be a minority of clingy needy women though 👀

Blusterylimp · 03/02/2025 01:48

batt3nb3rg · 03/02/2025 01:07

Surely unless you're commenting with experience of a similar relationship, you're also not being remotely helpful. My husband is pretty similar to what OP describes in their post - he is effusively affectionate, both verbally and physically, and is forever coming up behind me while I'm washing up or cooking to kiss and cuddle me, jumps into bed for ten minutes for a snuggle on the way past the bedroom if I end up tucked in to read a book ages before his bed time. He regularly turns the lamp on when we're cuddling in bed so he can look at me and tell me how beautiful he thinks I am. He's very complimentary and thankful whenever I do the simplest of things for him, like cooking a meal or making an experimental cocktail or returning something to a shop for him, even though I am a housewife and all of those things fall under the umbrella of my responsibilities. We both say "I love you" pretty much every time we see each other, or leave the room, or leave the house, and if we're sitting together in a room doing different things we will usually average a few out of the blue every hour. And both of us certainly put on big displays when we've been reunited after a couple of hours out, but then he works from home so we're both used to being at home together or out together most of the time. We keep a chair in the hallway outside the bathroom so I can sit and talk to him while he showers.

We have been together for nearly ten years (since I was fourteen), lived together for five, and married for three, so not in the honeymoon phase by any account. I understand how someone might not like to have the kind of marriage I do, but that's just a compatibility issue - it doesn't mean those who are very affectionate by nature don't actually feel love.

Edited

Show quote history

That’s lovely @batt3nb3rg

DorothyStorm · 03/02/2025 01:55

ReadingMum95 · 03/02/2025 00:28

No I haven’t because I feel awkward… he is constantly going on about how happy I make him, and how he feels so comfortable and chilled out and happy around me… that I feel like I can’t turn around and say anything and ‘ruin it’ for him if that makes sense?

Show quote history

I dont think the relationship is going anywhere if you feel like you cannot speak to him. So he gets to continue to make you uncomfortable.

SaltyPig · 03/02/2025 02:05

DH loves me. We've been together over thirty years and he'll tell me he loves me every day.
What you're describing would feel suffocating. The only ones I've ever been even vaguely similar with are DC as babies or my dogs.

MyProudHare · 03/02/2025 04:42

CaptainBeanThief · 03/02/2025 01:20

Me and my DH are pretty much the same, together for ten years, living together for 9 and married for 6.
If he stared at me and vice versa I would tell him to f off with that but everything else you describe we are the same.
We will be a minority of clingy needy women though 👀

Show quote history

Me and my DH are like this, too.

I guess the difference is, it's mutual so it doesn't feel suffocating... it's actually lovely.

The problem for OP is that it feels too much, which is totally reasonable as we're all different. OP, if you feel you can't talk to him about this, that's a problem in itself I'm afraid.

alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 03/02/2025 04:57

'We keep a chair in the hallway outside the bathroom so I can sit and talk to him while he showers.'

I know its different strokes and all that but this actually made me shudder! I just can't imagine my husband hovering outside the bathroom door trying to talk to me when I am trying to have a bath or shower in peace! We have been together 32 years though, and I love him to bits but that would be a very hard pass.

WaitingForDucks · 03/02/2025 05:12

ReadingMum95 my ex started off like this & he did actually turn out to be extremely abusive, I just couldn't see it.

I'm not saying that yours will, & of course none of us on here know 'yours' because you are the one dating them.
I will echo others & say that it's worrying that you feel like you can't discuss if with them.

In my case, I became really self conscious when we were eating, in particular, I found it difficult to enjoy my meal or a snack on the sofa with him right beside me, staring at me. I told him a few times in a jokey way eg 'Can you stop looking at me, I don't know weather to look at you or the film!' & he'd say 'Yeah, sorry! I'll try, you are just so beautiful!' & he'd stop for a few minutes then start again.

I had a proper talk with him & told him how the staring in particular was making me really self conscious, & the saying 'I love you' this often doesn't feel special, anymore, after a while, & he did stop then. But as I say, he was abusive in the end so please be careful.

bifurCAT · 03/02/2025 05:18

Horses for courses. Some would love someone who dotes on them, others would find it creepy and/or suffocating.

It's really up to you. Until people get stalkerish or call you a million times , get controlling, etc, I'd probably enjoy it while it lasts. Most guys start off quite intense and it doesn't take long until they're forgetting your birthday, so...

Devilsmommy · 03/02/2025 06:26

ReadingMum95 · 03/02/2025 00:28

No I haven’t because I feel awkward… he is constantly going on about how happy I make him, and how he feels so comfortable and chilled out and happy around me… that I feel like I can’t turn around and say anything and ‘ruin it’ for him if that makes sense?

Show quote history

So youre already hiding your feelings to keep him happy? Huge red flag there. Honestly I cringed reading your post, that's not lovely it's obsession and that's dangerous. Run, far and fast

Lowcarbonated · 03/02/2025 06:37

At best it's incredibly annoying, at worst I'd say it s major case of love bombing and obsessive controlling behaviour will follow. It would turn me off massively.

jeaux90 · 03/02/2025 06:56

We keep a chair in the hallway outside the bathroom so I can sit and talk to him while he showers.

Shudders

SirHissss · 03/02/2025 07:08

Are you certain he is sincere?

I was with someone who behaved like this - he would watch me with this simpering expression on his face, waiting for me to "catch" him looking then act surprised when I turned around. He was over the top with all the comments etc. too.
I could tell he was putting on a show but hadn't realised why to begin with. It gave me the ick but I was a young mum and didn't want to me on my own.

He turned out to be a massive whalloper who had lied through his teeth about everything and would have left us completely in the shit financially if I hadn't caught him in all his lies. His abusive side showed its face when I started to piece things together and pick holes in his stories.

The helpless romantic crap was an act to make himself look like a harmless good guy.

LostMyLanyard · 03/02/2025 07:11

Wow! I feel suffocated just reading your posts OP. That would be a hard pass from me...genuinely...I would be running in the opposite direction so fast!

@batt3nb3rg you keep a chair outside the bathroom so you can talk to each other whilst showering?? That's a whole extra layer of neediness...bordering (if not completely) co-dependent. Your whole post describes a very, very high level of neediness. You've been together since you were 14...it sounds like you haven't developed emotionally since then. This is how teenagers behave, not healthy, emotionally mature adults.

SpringBunnyHopHop · 03/02/2025 07:15

You need to tell him to back off. If he gives you a bad reaction then you might see a glimpse of the real person.

Hillrunning · 03/02/2025 08:15

Sounds like a compatability issue rather than your partner actually being 'wrong'. Just wrong for you. I had a relationship like this, I hated him staring at me lovingly, made me realise he wasn't for me. 14 years in with my dh and he does watch me and I adore it because I adore him. The same behaviour isn't necessarily annoying if it is from the right person.

Catza · 03/02/2025 08:34

ReadingMum95 · 03/02/2025 00:28

No I haven’t because I feel awkward… he is constantly going on about how happy I make him, and how he feels so comfortable and chilled out and happy around me… that I feel like I can’t turn around and say anything and ‘ruin it’ for him if that makes sense?

Show quote history

Not being able to communicate with them is a much much bigger problem.

Ilovr · 03/02/2025 08:35

LostMyLanyard · 03/02/2025 07:11

Wow! I feel suffocated just reading your posts OP. That would be a hard pass from me...genuinely...I would be running in the opposite direction so fast!

@batt3nb3rg you keep a chair outside the bathroom so you can talk to each other whilst showering?? That's a whole extra layer of neediness...bordering (if not completely) co-dependent. Your whole post describes a very, very high level of neediness. You've been together since you were 14...it sounds like you haven't developed emotionally since then. This is how teenagers behave, not healthy, emotionally mature adults.

Wow 🤨😭

Nationsss · 03/02/2025 08:37

I would get the ICK and would find it creepy and uncomfortable.
It would be a massive red flag of poor emotional regulation and I would be gone.

Lean into the discomfort you are feeling, don't ignore it.

Ace56 · 03/02/2025 08:37

Your partner sounds very emotionally immature OP. Is this really someone you want to be with? This whole thing would be a complete turn off for me.

HereBeWormholes · 03/02/2025 08:44

Wanting cuddles when you want personal space and sitting outside the shower like you're a prisoner about to abscond feels like invading your bodily autonomy to me - I call 'controlling'...

And you can't speak to him about it because it would awkward or upset him. Again, this is conditioning or 'training' you.

Honestly, his needs and wants and demands do not trump yours. I think you're right to be thinking about this.

Oblomov25 · 03/02/2025 09:10

No, you need to tell him it's too much. Or call it a day.

My friend says people like to be adored or ignored. I like to be adored, but only a tiny bit, as a kind of base courteously of the other person bring a good person and treating me nicely, as I am a naturally content myself already, so the spaniel love OTT you list would drive me potty.

Woodworm2020 · 03/02/2025 09:15

LTB….

Ok, seriously, it just sounds like you’re not matched well. Talk to him and explain how you’re feeling. Gauge his reaction to define your next move?