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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To try to stop my adult daughter from seeing a plastic surgeon?

97 replies

Easipeelerie · 02/02/2025 14:24

For context, she is 18 and about to go to university. She is autistic, a little immature for her age and has had anorexia. She is very pretty but is obsessed with minor imperfections in her face. There is very little reason to anyone’s eye other than her own that she would need to alter her face.
I’ve discovered that she has made an initial appt with a plastic surgeon for facial liposuction. This is about £300. I guess the treatment would be several thousands and would take all her savings given to her by her grandmother for her future.
I haven’t spoken to her yet but I’m horrified. If I do speak to her, I will show her that I understand her motivations but I will also say that I firmly believe the appointment should be cancelled, and I don’t know if she would then cancel it.
As she’s over 18, is there anything I can do to stop the surgeon seeing her? He doesn’t know about her autism and previous anorexia. Thanks

OP posts:
betterchoices · 02/02/2025 14:26

shes 18 there’s little you can do at this point. Let her go for the consultation and hopefully he is ethical and will refuse to go ahead. If not then you probably can report him to someone but for now you have to just wait.

Do you feel you could speak to her about it ?

Ffpafwt · 02/02/2025 14:27

Easipeelerie · 02/02/2025 14:24

For context, she is 18 and about to go to university. She is autistic, a little immature for her age and has had anorexia. She is very pretty but is obsessed with minor imperfections in her face. There is very little reason to anyone’s eye other than her own that she would need to alter her face.
I’ve discovered that she has made an initial appt with a plastic surgeon for facial liposuction. This is about £300. I guess the treatment would be several thousands and would take all her savings given to her by her grandmother for her future.
I haven’t spoken to her yet but I’m horrified. If I do speak to her, I will show her that I understand her motivations but I will also say that I firmly believe the appointment should be cancelled, and I don’t know if she would then cancel it.
As she’s over 18, is there anything I can do to stop the surgeon seeing her? He doesn’t know about her autism and previous anorexia. Thanks

Perhaps highlight that your DD's isn't in the correct mental state to make this decision as she has anorexia

Original poster
Easipeelerie · 02/02/2025 14:27

betterchoices · 02/02/2025 14:26

shes 18 there’s little you can do at this point. Let her go for the consultation and hopefully he is ethical and will refuse to go ahead. If not then you probably can report him to someone but for now you have to just wait.

Do you feel you could speak to her about it ?

Yes I’m going to speak to her later this evening. My concern is that she will spend her life in a mission to reconstruct her face.

OP posts:
betterchoices · 02/02/2025 14:27

Whatever you do , do NOT contact him and give your daughters private medical info as you will destroy your relationship totally . Try to chat with her and reason but dont demand. Offer to support her and go to the consultation with her if needs be.

Findacleverusername · 02/02/2025 14:28

This is very sad.
If it is a reputable surgeon surely professional etiquette requires him.to advise her against the procedure if it is obviously not needed and if he knows about her body image issues and anorexia?

Original poster
Easipeelerie · 02/02/2025 14:29

Findacleverusername · 02/02/2025 14:28

This is very sad.
If it is a reputable surgeon surely professional etiquette requires him.to advise her against the procedure if it is obviously not needed and if he knows about her body image issues and anorexia?

Edited

The problem is he won’t know about her previous issues as he’s not asked her. If she has to fill in forms she’ll likely lie about anything that would prevent the treatment.

OP posts:
FumingTRex · 02/02/2025 14:30

Personally i would write to the surgeon, you dont need to give details but you could say you do not feel she is in the right state of mind to make this decision.

Notimeforaname · 02/02/2025 14:33

I’ve discovered that she has made an initial appt with a plastic surgeon for facial liposuction

When you say discovered, did you go through her stuff to find out or did she come to you to talk about it ?

MissAndrey · 02/02/2025 14:34

Being autistic doesn't mean she's incapable of giving informed consent ffs. No mother wants to think of her daughter doing this but it's her prerogative as an adult and there's little you can do.

Findacleverusername · 02/02/2025 14:35

Easipeelerie · 02/02/2025 14:29

The problem is he won’t know about her previous issues as he’s not asked her. If she has to fill in forms she’ll likely lie about anything that would prevent the treatment.

Show quote history

I know the cosmetic surgery industry is a minefield but surely at the consultation medical history would be taken in to account and their should be some honesty on the part of the surgeon as to whether the procedure is necessary and suitable for her? Or is it a real cowboy clinic she is going to?
It makes me really angry the number of women, especially those as young as your daughter, are been duped into thinking their natural.looks just aren't good enough.

Iknjtjumpers · 02/02/2025 14:35

In my line of work I have a lot to do with doctors, it’s the only staff group I work with. This surgeon MUST be registered with the General Medical Council and have a 7 figure number. He or she must also be on the specialist register for plastic and reconstructive surgery. A fully trained consultant will be.

JessiesJ99 · 02/02/2025 14:36

Maybe print off multiple pictures of Katie Price.

Put one under her bedroom door every night before you go to bed, that way it'll be the first thing she sees in the morning.
Plaster them all over the house - walls, doors, mirrors.

🤣🤣🤣 I'm sorry. But if she's determined, then I'm not sure what you can do. I do really feel for you.

Tell her once you start, it never ends. They'll always be something else.

So, she's paid and is going for a consultation? Maybe something she hears at the consultation might put her off...🙏🙏🙏🙏

Original poster
Easipeelerie · 02/02/2025 14:37

MissAndrey · 02/02/2025 14:34

Being autistic doesn't mean she's incapable of giving informed consent ffs. No mother wants to think of her daughter doing this but it's her prerogative as an adult and there's little you can do.

I don’t think she’s incapable of giving informed consent. Being autistic is contextual information.

OP posts:
CheezePleeze · 02/02/2025 14:38

I'd be very surprised if they cared about any of her issues if I'm honest.

You only have to look at some of the awful dribbling 'wrecks' some people have turned themselves into at the hands of 'professional' surgeons.

It's all about the money in many places.

betterchoices · 02/02/2025 14:39

Easipeelerie · 02/02/2025 14:37

I don’t think she’s incapable of giving informed consent. Being autistic is contextual information.

Show quote history

Unless she has been assessed and does not have capacity then she absolutely can make any decisions whether you agree with them or not. As long as she understands the procedure and risks then there is nothing you can legally do. You need to trust the checks and processes that the doctor she is seeing will have in place and if you still have concerns you need to speak to your dd

InWithThePlums · 02/02/2025 14:40

MissAndrey · 02/02/2025 14:34

Being autistic doesn't mean she's incapable of giving informed consent ffs. No mother wants to think of her daughter doing this but it's her prerogative as an adult and there's little you can do.

No, but that combined with the anorexia (its facial liposuction, this is surely related) and fact she is 18 should give the surgeon pause for thought.

betterchoices · 02/02/2025 14:41

CheezePleeze · 02/02/2025 14:38

I'd be very surprised if they cared about any of her issues if I'm honest.

You only have to look at some of the awful dribbling 'wrecks' some people have turned themselves into at the hands of 'professional' surgeons.

It's all about the money in many places.

This is definitely a concern but if OP is supportive to her dd and offers to go along for the consultation they will see she has someone with her and in all likelihood they are probably going to act ethically anyway but if not as you describe then if OP is with her dd they may be put off acting negligently.

Original poster
Easipeelerie · 02/02/2025 14:43

Iknjtjumpers · 02/02/2025 14:35

In my line of work I have a lot to do with doctors, it’s the only staff group I work with. This surgeon MUST be registered with the General Medical Council and have a 7 figure number. He or she must also be on the specialist register for plastic and reconstructive surgery. A fully trained consultant will be.

I’ve looked him up. He has a gmc number and is reputable. She’ll have spent all day researching absolutely thoroughly. So fingers crossed he’ll say it’s not a good idea.

OP posts:
Poppyseeds79 · 02/02/2025 14:47

Only thing you can do is offer to go to the appointment with her I guess.

Thewalrusandthecarpenter · 02/02/2025 14:47

Hi OP, my daughter (mid twenties) approached someone last year regarding a facial cosmetic treatment. She was told that she really didn't need anything done at all and was lucky with her skin and features. I was so relieved and grateful that it's not necessarily all about money. She's completely given up the idea. Fingers crossed that your daughter experiences the same.

Iknjtjumpers · 02/02/2025 14:49

Easipeelerie · 02/02/2025 14:43

I’ve looked him up. He has a gmc number and is reputable. She’ll have spent all day researching absolutely thoroughly. So fingers crossed he’ll say it’s not a good idea.

Show quote history

I’ve worked with doctors long enough to know that they do have pound signs in their eyes. However, above all they do have integrity and genuinely care for their patients.

Chuchoter · 02/02/2025 14:51

Given that she has previously had anorexia, I'm not surprised she's going for buccal fat removal as it's quite common to make the face look even more thinner. I say thinner, the end result is usually severely gaunt looking.

Look for YouTube videos that advise against it.

unmemorableusername · 02/02/2025 14:53

Play the 'her gran wanted to money to be used for x instead' card.

Show her how much more her life will improve using it as a house deposit or to buy a car/driving lessons or towards education.

Push the positives of other options rather than getting g into a fight over plastic surgery.

Devilgate · 02/02/2025 14:54

No I think making choices for her will do nothing to help her maturity

Chuchoter · 02/02/2025 14:54
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