To try to stop my adult daughter from seeing a plastic surgeon?

[Easipeelerie]

For context, she is 18 and about to go to university. She is autistic, a little immature for her age and has had anorexia. She is very pretty but is obsessed with minor imperfections in her face. There is very little reason to anyone’s eye other than her own that she would need to alter her face.
I’ve discovered that she has made an initial appt with a plastic surgeon for facial liposuction. This is about £300. I guess the treatment would be several thousands and would take all her savings given to her by her grandmother for her future.
I haven’t spoken to her yet but I’m horrified. If I do speak to her, I will show her that I understand her motivations but I will also say that I firmly believe the appointment should be cancelled, and I don’t know if she would then cancel it.
As she’s over 18, is there anything I can do to stop the surgeon seeing her? He doesn’t know about her autism and previous anorexia. Thanks

I’d do this too. She is unlikely to be honest, and he needs her medical history in order to come up with a safe treatment plan. They can keep your contact confidential, it’s in their interest to know.

if she’s got a psychiatrist or CPN I’d tell them too.

Yes, I assumed that they’d do this @AliceThroughtheLookingGlasses , but the issue is that she may minimize or fail to mention her ED and MH issued if she thinks that they may deter the plastic surgeon from doing the procedure.

Any reputable plastic surgeon will refuse to operate on an 18year olds face for cosmetic reasons. She is still growing until age 25, changes may occur that will mean her surgical result will be less than optimal. Fingers crossed she's chosen someone with ethics.

This is all external stuff though. Who is to say who's actually got a more fulfilling life? It's all bystander judging their lives. "Happy" shouldn't be thrown around so easily like that. Plus they could have a real difference in skills and intelligence.

Of course they have a real difference in skills and intelligence - one's parents developed, through coercion, one cousin's skills and intelligence and the other's parents let it slide. Genius people apart, usual people's intelligence can be developed, the radiologist guy was not born with x-ray vision, he learnt it all.

Making poor choices is not the same as not having capacity

The trouble is that there is nothing a parent can do once they turn 18 unless you can prove lack of mental capacity and you won't be able to do that. The law is mostly on the side of adults to make their own decisions even if they are bad decisions. I have an adult daughter with asd and another one with a mld so I do understand. Too late now but if concerned about decision making, best not to let them inherit directly (saying that for anyone reading this with younger vulnerable kids).

It's too little what we know about these two individuals. And initially I thought you were talking about two cousins with the same parents. If they're two cousins from different parents, they're really almost just strangers aren't they? Well then, it's a matter of how parenting influences life outcomes. That's a distinct area of study on its own!

By skills and intelligence I'm talking about natural aptitudes, including the inclination to study and be disciplined. Personality definitely matters as well!

Let's say that parental influence has 100% impact on people's life outcomes. Are you suggesting that coercion (your word) is therefore justified? And if so, till what age? Some profession requires training to over 25+. How about expanding it to whom to marry, where to live, etc. all by coercion, just because the parents know better?

Just email the clinic OP. Explain your dd has had anorexia - which is a mental health condition. If they go ahead after that they are leaving themselves liable for further action regarding consent.

You just hit the nail on the head, without probably realising it. The cousins in question were from a distinct ethnic background, where parents choose not only the speciality after graduation, but a spouse as well.

Haahaha. Oh well. I'm all too familiar with this kind of story. To dig further into this would almost be like questioning entire nations' policies and cultural practices. I do not have the adequate means to do this. At this point it all boils down to cultural and personal values.

@madroid ED’s can also damage the heart so it’s essential that any surgeon is aware of the anorexia before administering an anesthetic.

It's unlikely the surgeon will offer her a procedure. Is this for buccal fat removal? Facial liposuction is dangerous so it's rarely done other than double chin liposuction and buccal fat removal (cheek fat removed from an incision inside the mouth). I've had plastic surgery and the surgeons assess for body dysmorphia and other signs of mental illness. They don't want to be sued so they won't want to operate on people who aren't in the right stand of mind and who are likely to be unhappy with the result because they have unrealistic expectations. Anyway, I expect they will tell her to wait until her baby fat is gone before have anything done.

No good surgeon will touch her face.

Someone may have intellectual disability as you describe it, but unless they're subject to DOLs and the court of protection then no, no one has the right to exert control over her

Oh of course, I agree it is beneficial! Just historically,18 year old aren't fond of taking orders people's advice on something they have been waiting to turn 18 for.

Yeah I should think so, just laying caveats!

But some people on here seem to want to exert control, direct or otherwise, to their daughters/sons well into adulthood.

I have read that autistic girls can go on to be more driven to look ‘perfect’ than their counterparts as it helps them feel more accepted by wide society.
does she have a therapist or someone she speaks to about her autism?
I think my only advice for teens doing this sort of thing is to say ‘i won’t fight you on it, but please just wait a year and see how you feel then’ most young people are wildly different after 12 month periods

Any reputable plastic surgeon should access her medical records and only operate if they are happy to do so. If they aren't doing that, and she isn't telling them the truth, the discussion I'd be having with her is, it is incredibly dangerous to undergo a medical procedure if the surgeon doesn't know your full medical history. Ask why she isn't being honest with the surgeon, which is most likely because she knows they wouldn't do it then build on that issue.

Offer to find and fund a decent counsellor who can help with the issues she is having, and if after that she still wants to do it, she'll have your blessing. Support her to make the right decision for her, not the decision you want.

If she is adamant she wants to do it now, even if you disagree, there is nothing you can do to stop her. Don't go behind her back and send the clinic her details, that is a massive abuse of trust. She will find that out and your relationship will breakdown.

And of course there is a strong likelihood that she’ll remember those words when she’s 25 and start on the Botox and filler pronto!

OP if your DD is obsessed with minor imperfections on her face then it's very possible she has Body Dysmorphic Disorder. Researching cosmetic surgery obsessively, obsessive mirror checking of the "flaws" and seeking cosmetic surgery are all symptoms.

A good cosmetic surgeons should be well aware of BDD and be screening for it but of course people can lie and so pass any screening test.

I am not saying this to worry you but BDD is a serious mental health condition with a high suicide rate. And cosmetic surgery will worsen the condition. So plastic surgery is NOT recommended for people with BDD. And an attempt to seek plastic surgery needs to be taken very seriously. I've said this because there are a lot of answers on this thread telling you she's an adult and to leave her to it. Assuming she has BDD, this is not a simple case of a parent not liking an adult child's decisions. If she has BDD she.is not thinking straight. And knowing what that is like I would argue that her decision making capacity in this area is impaired (as evidenced by the fact that she would not be allowed to decide to have plastic surgery if a (reputable) surgeon knew she had BDD)

Have a look at the BDD Foundation website and perhaps give them a call for advice. I have BDD and if this were my child with BDD (assuming she has it, there is a screening tool on the BDD Foundation website) I'd be calling the plastic surgeon and telling them. Generally plastic surgeons do not like operating on people with BDD because there's a very high likelihood they will not be happy with the result and will complain. So even if they don't care about the mental health of the patient, they will likely care about themselves and their reputation and them and their staff having to deal with a hysterical patient.

Tbh a good surgeon should be able to weed out a BDD patient on the basis that the imperfection(s) is tiny or unnoticeable to others but I think plastic surgery and seeking "perfection" is becoming more normalised so it may be harder for them to notice.

As someone with BDD one thing that puts me off plastic surgery is the thought of what happens if it goes wrong. I could end up looking a lot worse So another tactic might be to discuss that with her and ask her if she's researched what can go wrong with that particular surgery and what she would look like if that happened. Not all plastic surgery failures are fixable.

The BDD foundation have loads of information about the condition on their website. They have a helpline to get more info and they run an excellent group "therapy" session. The challenge usually though is getting someone with BDD to realise that they have a mental health condition, to accept it and then that they need to seek help for it.

Best of luck. This must be really frightening for you.