To try to stop my adult daughter from seeing a plastic surgeon?

[Easipeelerie]

For context, she is 18 and about to go to university. She is autistic, a little immature for her age and has had anorexia. She is very pretty but is obsessed with minor imperfections in her face. There is very little reason to anyone’s eye other than her own that she would need to alter her face.
I’ve discovered that she has made an initial appt with a plastic surgeon for facial liposuction. This is about £300. I guess the treatment would be several thousands and would take all her savings given to her by her grandmother for her future.
I haven’t spoken to her yet but I’m horrified. If I do speak to her, I will show her that I understand her motivations but I will also say that I firmly believe the appointment should be cancelled, and I don’t know if she would then cancel it.
As she’s over 18, is there anything I can do to stop the surgeon seeing her? He doesn’t know about her autism and previous anorexia. Thanks

OMG op you must be frantic. I have a dd with ASD, formerly with ARFID, and I completely understand how helpless you must feel and how tempting it might be to respond with trying to gain control over the situation whereas I think the reverse would probably be better strategically speaking.

Calm and gentle discussion.

Maintain the relationship and keep communication open.

Use the ASD brain to your advantage and provide her with lots of research and sources of info after trying to get her to agree that if she is going ahead, she needs to examine the issue from all sides. So approach it from the perspective of, I can see you want this, so let’s try and protect you and make sure you get the best treatment available pov.

I would engage in some philosophical discussion about different perspectives of beauty from the point of view of different cultures and historical perspectives?

And I would try showing her the NHS website (there’s a bit about plastic surgery) emphasising the importance of going to a surgeon who is reputable explaining how some surgeons just do it to make money and don’t care about the patient.

Then I would probably try and find other information from other reputable sources about how things can go wrong.
There must be a Facebook group?

Do you have any doctor or nurse friends who could advise?

I would probably try and find some on-line testimony from teens and young people about how they regret doing it. Tik-tok?

Find out where she is accessing her information from.

Try and show her a series of stills of a favourite celebrity where it went wrong in rl?
Michael Jackson springs to mind but it needs to be someone she relates to. Explain about how, if you unbalance the face by surgical means, you often end up having to go down the route of more and surgery.

I think you can be supportive whilst very clearly not supporting it ifyswim. Would she let you come to an appointment, if you promise not to say anything?

But before it gets to that stage I think I would try and negotiate a truce with her and say that although she is over eighteen and it’s her body and face to do with what she wants you love her so much and want to keep her safe; if she is going to have someone literally cut in to her face with a knife, as it’s such a significant step, could she hold back and wait and discuss it again in a year? Maybe phrase that differently!!

Another tactic, ask her to find twelve friends and acquaintances of her age and ask them if they thinks she needs plastic surgery?

You don’t want to risk alienating her and you obviously don’t want to use all of the above tactics all at once but maybe one or two might get through to her?

My mother had anorexia. Years later she attended a 'slimming clinic'. I asked her if she had told the doctor her history. 'He didn't ask' she said.

This is excellent advice!

It’s a shame the money is available to her now and not 25. Can you encourage her to buy a car and have driving lessons? I would be searching for an alternative, not criticising her idea as she might become defensive.

When I was your daughter's age I absolutely hated my "chubby cheeks" and couldn't wait to grow out of it. Now I'm here and I realise how ageing it is to lose that fullness in the cheeks. I'm a size 8 and I think I look older than my curvier friends because of my hollow cheeks. I bet I'd look a lot worse if I'd had buccal fat removal or liposuction in my face. I know many young people are obsessed with skincare and ageing so maybe it would help to explain this to her.

Please watch the video I posted above. The risks are horrendous.

Many celebrities have had it and none of them look the better for it.

www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-14044839/plastic-surgeon-celebrities-buccal-fat-removal-surgery.html

18yo going on 40 in the looks department....

thats exactly what will happen. Is she psychologically prepared for that and does she have enough money for corrective surgeries?

I'd be astonished if a surgeon would agree to a facial procedure on an 18yo for something she absolutely doesn't need.

Also, he should probably see a mile off that she has severe body hangups that are based on no actual physical problem.

Is it buccal fat removal? Perhaps you can convince her to wait. I had terribly fat cheeks at 18 despite being extremely slim. At 19/20 they slimmed down, and around 24 they slimmed down even more. If I’d had something like buccal fat removal done then it would look really bizarre now because I have very defined cheekbones and a slim face.

Try going for the “you don’t have your mature face/features yet” angle. It’s true and if she starts messing with it now it might look strange as it changes.

perhaps someone on the medical field can answer this: Do plastic surgeons get the patient’s notes from their GP, or have access to them? She may not tell them everything, but if they see her notes, they’ll have the full picture.

If they see her medical history, I imagine they won’t do the procedure, especially as she’s only 18.

I would look into finding someone that offers make up lessons with a view to offering to pay for lessons to disguise the features she doesn't like and enhancing those she does, and treat her to the make up items she needs to match.

I know lots of autistic people who can’t give informed consent.

She also has mental health issues too.

OP wouldn’t be so worried if she felt her DD was making a sensible, informed decision.

Have you spoken to your 18yr old about funding for University?
PSHE has thousands in savings, is that for Uni? If she spends it on cosmetic treatment are you in effect laying for that surgery as you will make up her lost savings in giving her money for Uni?

If he's a reputable and ethical surgeon, he won't touch her face.

Some of my friends (in middle age) have been to very reputable cosmetic doctors for tweaks like fillers and Botox.

They had to complete a massive questionnaire first which was clearly designed to eliminate anyone who has MH issues from even having reversible treatments like Botox. Loads of questions about why they wanted it, self-image, confidence, self-esteem etc etc.

I doubt very much anyone would do surgery on an 18 year old unless they were disfigured through an accident or a genetic condition.

They should take a detailed medical history as part of the consultation.

Yes this is a very good approach.

I think teens in general who become too obsessed about details of their figure or facial features have too much time on their hands to ruminate, And that’s when they can lose objectivity. I include one of my own DDs in this. They need distracting and to get interested in their future, and in other things outside of themselves. Focus on others; maybe volunteering? Or animals? Outdoor activities?

I took my then 18 year old to a surgeon for breast reduction. He agreed that it needed doing but would not proceed until she'd had a psychological assessment by another practitioner due to her age. With any luck your DDs surgeon will do likewise.

Really good point. Happened with me too. Above is a good approach to go down to persuade her not to do it.
Also lipo is very brutal. I’ve had it on my thighs. The bruising is intense for about 2 - 3 weeks. I had great results once it was better although one thigh not as smooth as the other. Not that noticeable but would be on the face. I had a brilliant surgeon and amazing aftercare which was intense and daily.
There is NO WAY in a million years I would have it on my face. You would not be able to go out for weeks.
is she having the treatment that freezes fat? Or proper lipo where needles are inserted and fat sucked out under a general anaesthetic. Can’t imagine a reputable surgeon would do this.

She's her own person. There's nothing you can or should do.

^ This. Don't risk your relationship with her over this.

How very worrying for you.
If a full medical history is taken and DD is honest, then the anorexia should be a red flag; someone who is not eating enough may not be thinking clearly, and therefore be considered vulnerable. Apart from the fact that she probably doesn't have much fat to spare.

Might DD let you go with her to the appointment and ask some questions in her presence?

I would hope that you have experience of raising teens with ASD if you give that advice?

You're right, I don't. It's just that this is what it is on principle. Unless she has intellectual inability, she should make her own decisions.

Could you suggest before seeking surgery she looks into less expensive and drastic measures? If you find a highly rated nurse led aesthetics clinic they may be able to recommend subtle fillers (for example) that are less permanent. Giving your DD a little more time to mature before choosing something more permanent.

It's definitely relevant though.